Mood: Elated
Time: 0202hrs
Since it is rare to be presented with the opportunity such as this, I want to take it as much as possible. I don't know what I should write about. This may be the last for a while. Life would be busy once the week starts again.
Truth be told, I am afraid. Of the major changes that would happen in my life. I don't think I'm ready or if I can handle such responsibility. But I want to change, even if a little at a time. I don't want to become stagnated at the same place and let time sweep me away from this land. I want to do something. Something that would change me inside that would end up changing someone in the future. I want to go places and not be bound in these chains any longer. I want to confront the reality of living outside the comfort of my home.
But I am afraid.
I am afraid since I am alone in this battle.
Though I may not look like it, I am weak.
I need people beside me, to reassure me that I am not alone in facing this dilemma and the problems of daily life. I want to feel warmth. Something that I have yearned for in the past until now. But why is it that whenever there are people willing to help, I shrug them away. I think I'm blind when it comes to people who truly cares for me. Setting aside those that really care. But I don't know. I guess it can't be helped since I don't feel anything when I'm with them. I just feel "EMPTY".
And then I started not to care whoever it is I'm with.
Just to fill that void in my heart. Just so I can have a bit of warmth and love even for a while. Even if it did not fill me completely. I accepted things and terms and friendships. I've really become NUMB.
Because in the end, people would only betray me. They would hurt me and make me think of things. As like before, people are selfish. Then I think I won't hold back and be selfish myself. But I can't. I just can't.
Don't know why, but I connect with people so easily. Talking to someone as if we've known each other decades ago. Then afterwards, they tend to forget. They start forgetting and they ignore me in the process. Since they are selfish, they won't remember me. Only when they are in need of something do they call out for me. Yes, I am nothing but a filler as well.
So once more, I am alone. Still alone in this journey through life.
Will I be able to find someone who truly respects me? Someone that would be beside me? Someone that would cherish and love me? I don't know. And it seems I've surrendered from the possibility.
I think I would die alone like this.
But that matter is on another note.
Since the cowardice inside of me reigns supreme, I still cannot end it all.
How weak of me to hate PAIN when living everyday is a real pain.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Day 287 Year 2012
Mood: crestfallen
Time: 1515hrs
Two months before christmas,and I am here trying all that I can to save up for myself. I don't know why, but money seems to hate me as it slips off of my hands. I don't want to be manipulated by money. I don't want to make it account to anything, but as long as I live in this current world and society, I think that it would make a big deal in my life. I hate it, but it can't be helped.
Time: 1515hrs
Two months before christmas,and I am here trying all that I can to save up for myself. I don't know why, but money seems to hate me as it slips off of my hands. I don't want to be manipulated by money. I don't want to make it account to anything, but as long as I live in this current world and society, I think that it would make a big deal in my life. I hate it, but it can't be helped.
Monday, September 17, 2012
Day260 Year2012
Mood: Tenacious
Time: 1852hrs
I'm scared....
The longer I spend my time repeatedly inside this cage-like house, the more I grow fearful of the world outside. I become frightened of mingling with people. I become hateful and spiteful of everything I see.
I'm scared.
I don't know what to do once I do return. In the midst of the noisy crowd, I fear that I will drown in a sea of beliefs. To be dragged along to a place I don't want to be. I'm scared. It's alright to be scared, right?
Why do I have to keep up this front?
That the very moment I face up with others, I put up this tough look like I'm not scared by anything around me. Why do I have to stand my ground and pretend not to sway along the gale force of life's current? Why is it not acceptable for me to show my weakness in front of many? Why do I have to be this "me"?
"Just because I have to." I tell myself very often.
Because there is no one who would be strong for me. Because there isn't anyone who would care for me and support me. Because my pride won't let me. Is it tenacity to not give up despite crashing force of everyday life? I don't want to give up because I don't want to be further disappointed at myself. But I want to have the courage to admit that just because my shell may look tough doesn't necessarily mean that its interior is hard as well. I just want to learn to be kind to myself and let it ease out on its own.
Simply being kind is weakness. Showing weakness is being weak. Yes, because I don't want others to step on me, I've hidden the obvious inside. Deep, deep, inside, that even I am fooled at times. I want to be weak. I want to show my weakness to somebody that I can depend on. But since there isn't any amongst my peers or friends or anybody, I pretend still.
I am weak. I am strong.
I am both.
But you wouldn't know unless you completely know me.
Time: 1852hrs
I'm scared....
The longer I spend my time repeatedly inside this cage-like house, the more I grow fearful of the world outside. I become frightened of mingling with people. I become hateful and spiteful of everything I see.
I'm scared.
I don't know what to do once I do return. In the midst of the noisy crowd, I fear that I will drown in a sea of beliefs. To be dragged along to a place I don't want to be. I'm scared. It's alright to be scared, right?
Why do I have to keep up this front?
That the very moment I face up with others, I put up this tough look like I'm not scared by anything around me. Why do I have to stand my ground and pretend not to sway along the gale force of life's current? Why is it not acceptable for me to show my weakness in front of many? Why do I have to be this "me"?
"Just because I have to." I tell myself very often.
Because there is no one who would be strong for me. Because there isn't anyone who would care for me and support me. Because my pride won't let me. Is it tenacity to not give up despite crashing force of everyday life? I don't want to give up because I don't want to be further disappointed at myself. But I want to have the courage to admit that just because my shell may look tough doesn't necessarily mean that its interior is hard as well. I just want to learn to be kind to myself and let it ease out on its own.
Simply being kind is weakness. Showing weakness is being weak. Yes, because I don't want others to step on me, I've hidden the obvious inside. Deep, deep, inside, that even I am fooled at times. I want to be weak. I want to show my weakness to somebody that I can depend on. But since there isn't any amongst my peers or friends or anybody, I pretend still.
I am weak. I am strong.
I am both.
But you wouldn't know unless you completely know me.
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Day259 Year2012
Mood: Furious
Time: 1640hrs
I am SOOOOO angry right now!
Who the fuck has the right to take my hard work and posts it online with a smile on their face and taking ALLLLLL the credit that was rightfully mine?!
Yes, leave it to the internet and the freedom therein to make ROBBERS out of lazy individuals. Fuck it! I really AM so mad! I've had past experiences in these kind of copyright infringement shit, and it did NOT do me good then. That was, instead of the culprit being reprimanded like taking down its account, it reported that "I" was the one that stole their post instead of the obvious fact that mine was posted waaaayyyy before theirs. Yeah, leave it to the IDIOTS that make the rules to not check the facts.
And to make matters worse, I was forced to sign a waver to be liable for false charges wherein my account would be "taken down" and shit.....for false pretense. As if I'd back off that allegation. Stupid sites and their stupidity. For stupid's sake, really..... eat shit and die you fucking stealers!
I await the time when your site/account is taken down for stealing you shit head!
Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die!
If I knew who you are and have you face-to-face with me right now, I"d so fucking murder you, you AHole!
Shit, shit, shit, shit, this is the biggest insult that could be put to my face. To even have that kind of reputation and credit using MY original creation,,,you piece of shit, you!
Freaking die already!
To think I'd have to make such adjustments just because of scum like you, do you know how inconvenient that is for me? Oh, right, trash like you could care shit,,,,,
So I hope you'd drop dead, ne?
Yes, die already.
To lessen the amount of trash in this world, die for future's sake.
Time: 1640hrs
I am SOOOOO angry right now!
Who the fuck has the right to take my hard work and posts it online with a smile on their face and taking ALLLLLL the credit that was rightfully mine?!
Yes, leave it to the internet and the freedom therein to make ROBBERS out of lazy individuals. Fuck it! I really AM so mad! I've had past experiences in these kind of copyright infringement shit, and it did NOT do me good then. That was, instead of the culprit being reprimanded like taking down its account, it reported that "I" was the one that stole their post instead of the obvious fact that mine was posted waaaayyyy before theirs. Yeah, leave it to the IDIOTS that make the rules to not check the facts.
And to make matters worse, I was forced to sign a waver to be liable for false charges wherein my account would be "taken down" and shit.....for false pretense. As if I'd back off that allegation. Stupid sites and their stupidity. For stupid's sake, really..... eat shit and die you fucking stealers!
I await the time when your site/account is taken down for stealing you shit head!
Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die!
If I knew who you are and have you face-to-face with me right now, I"d so fucking murder you, you AHole!
Shit, shit, shit, shit, this is the biggest insult that could be put to my face. To even have that kind of reputation and credit using MY original creation,,,you piece of shit, you!
Freaking die already!
To think I'd have to make such adjustments just because of scum like you, do you know how inconvenient that is for me? Oh, right, trash like you could care shit,,,,,
So I hope you'd drop dead, ne?
Yes, die already.
To lessen the amount of trash in this world, die for future's sake.
Monday, July 30, 2012
Day211 Year2012
Time: 1019hours
Mood: Zetsubou
I am lost.
If life is an adventure and the trail is laid before me, then in the midst of this jungle I am lost.
Where should my life head to? Where am I supposed to go? In my hands I have no map. The world is a big blank to me.
I am alone on my journey. In fact, everyone is. There is no tomorrow that is certain. That's why we can dream for the better. Even so, is tomorrow better than today or will it be another hell like yesterday? I wander, alone and lost. Where should my life head to?
Please someone tell me....
Mood: Zetsubou
I am lost.
If life is an adventure and the trail is laid before me, then in the midst of this jungle I am lost.
Where should my life head to? Where am I supposed to go? In my hands I have no map. The world is a big blank to me.
I am alone on my journey. In fact, everyone is. There is no tomorrow that is certain. That's why we can dream for the better. Even so, is tomorrow better than today or will it be another hell like yesterday? I wander, alone and lost. Where should my life head to?
Please someone tell me....
Friday, July 27, 2012
Day208 Year2012
Time: 2230hrs
Mood: SAD (seasonal affective disorder)
It's been raining nonstop for quite sometime these past few days/weeks now and I've been depending on the cold weather for my mood. More so, the fact that my remaining ounce of freedom in life is being taken by this one VERY persistent person that calls themselves my "Friend".
Is this how its supposed to be?
The position I was in the past that I've desperately tried to change is still recurring despite my pleas to escape. Why can't I escape? Why does people around treat me like slave and take me for granted? They mistake my kindness for submission and use me as a tool for their self-pleasure.
I want to be alone.
It's easier alone.
Being alone, I have free control of my life and the direction it goes to. I have the chance to be happy in my own twisted way. I can be myself and not pretend and continuously put up this fake smile that's tearing my face apart. I hate it. This current me. The way I am unable to break free. The rest are cowards that ran away on whim when in the first place it was them that surrounded "that person" and truly enjoy the company.
Where did I go wrong?
All I did was ask one question and I have a "master" for life?
I hate it. I hate this chain tied around my neck, slowly suffocating me. Or is it me that's trashing around trying to bind the chain tight so that I can die rather than be used like this.
I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
If everyone around "that person" really likes them, then why won't they trade places with me? And see for themselves the kind of person they really are.....
Mood: SAD (seasonal affective disorder)
It's been raining nonstop for quite sometime these past few days/weeks now and I've been depending on the cold weather for my mood. More so, the fact that my remaining ounce of freedom in life is being taken by this one VERY persistent person that calls themselves my "Friend".
Is this how its supposed to be?
The position I was in the past that I've desperately tried to change is still recurring despite my pleas to escape. Why can't I escape? Why does people around treat me like slave and take me for granted? They mistake my kindness for submission and use me as a tool for their self-pleasure.
I want to be alone.
It's easier alone.
Being alone, I have free control of my life and the direction it goes to. I have the chance to be happy in my own twisted way. I can be myself and not pretend and continuously put up this fake smile that's tearing my face apart. I hate it. This current me. The way I am unable to break free. The rest are cowards that ran away on whim when in the first place it was them that surrounded "that person" and truly enjoy the company.
Where did I go wrong?
All I did was ask one question and I have a "master" for life?
I hate it. I hate this chain tied around my neck, slowly suffocating me. Or is it me that's trashing around trying to bind the chain tight so that I can die rather than be used like this.
I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
If everyone around "that person" really likes them, then why won't they trade places with me? And see for themselves the kind of person they really are.....
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Day192 Year2012
Time: 1343hrs
Mood: Wee bit annoyed
I am a drifter. I float and get swayed by the current of the water or the flow of the wind. Just yesterday, my mind was blank and without a certain destination went up somewhere and spent most of my money for the travel. That was going out, going somewhere not particularly anywhere and then going home; in just a couple of hours. I hated the idea of coming to school and repeating the same old routine meeting the same old people that I obviously don't like. That's when I thought, "what the heck am I going to school for?" The "me" who was used to studying before and so enthusiastically dreamt of coming to class and answering recitation calls and talking all high and mighty was now diminished to being the vagabond, cutting classes type of person.
Just when I was aging did I start this rebellious phase of mine.
Maybe it's just a way of balancing out myself since from before when I started writing and learning was I such a good student that the very thought of being marked "absent" or even "late" was such a dread to me. And now here I am. Going to school late. Sleeping on some lessons. Not studying for exams at home. Cutting classes early. Even going sideways to the game station and computer shops and passing time just to make it look like I properly went to my classes.
I'm just too worn out from the usual norm of daily living from before that I wanted to experience what others do,even if it is out of curiosity. The loner me who is so accustomed to going "my way" is now being tamed and binded by a VERY demanding person and I cannot put a say to it out of "gratitude".
Sometimes, I just want to be left alone since I've always managed by my self. Being alone is what I have always been and then out of nowhere some pompous little prick enters my life and starts demanding and dragging me everywhere. What I don't understand is that of all the people that love and cherish that person (seriously, they adore you) is why such a person as "I" am the one you chose to drag along with you? I don't have the energy to last whole day. I can't hide the grimace on my face. My jaw and cheeck hurts from constantly having to force myself to put a smile. And the continuous listening to your problems even though the answer is just in front of you.....
Seriously, I am starting to fear school and studying because of YOU.
*sigh* *sigh* *verrrryyyy deeeepppp siiiiighhhhhhh*
How much longer must I endeavor and keep up with this?
Is the year over yet? Is it the next month already?
I wish I could just embrace my pillow and sleep quietly in bed forever.....
Mood: Wee bit annoyed
I am a drifter. I float and get swayed by the current of the water or the flow of the wind. Just yesterday, my mind was blank and without a certain destination went up somewhere and spent most of my money for the travel. That was going out, going somewhere not particularly anywhere and then going home; in just a couple of hours. I hated the idea of coming to school and repeating the same old routine meeting the same old people that I obviously don't like. That's when I thought, "what the heck am I going to school for?" The "me" who was used to studying before and so enthusiastically dreamt of coming to class and answering recitation calls and talking all high and mighty was now diminished to being the vagabond, cutting classes type of person.
Just when I was aging did I start this rebellious phase of mine.
Maybe it's just a way of balancing out myself since from before when I started writing and learning was I such a good student that the very thought of being marked "absent" or even "late" was such a dread to me. And now here I am. Going to school late. Sleeping on some lessons. Not studying for exams at home. Cutting classes early. Even going sideways to the game station and computer shops and passing time just to make it look like I properly went to my classes.
I'm just too worn out from the usual norm of daily living from before that I wanted to experience what others do,even if it is out of curiosity. The loner me who is so accustomed to going "my way" is now being tamed and binded by a VERY demanding person and I cannot put a say to it out of "gratitude".
Sometimes, I just want to be left alone since I've always managed by my self. Being alone is what I have always been and then out of nowhere some pompous little prick enters my life and starts demanding and dragging me everywhere. What I don't understand is that of all the people that love and cherish that person (seriously, they adore you) is why such a person as "I" am the one you chose to drag along with you? I don't have the energy to last whole day. I can't hide the grimace on my face. My jaw and cheeck hurts from constantly having to force myself to put a smile. And the continuous listening to your problems even though the answer is just in front of you.....
Seriously, I am starting to fear school and studying because of YOU.
*sigh* *sigh* *verrrryyyy deeeepppp siiiiighhhhhhh*
How much longer must I endeavor and keep up with this?
Is the year over yet? Is it the next month already?
I wish I could just embrace my pillow and sleep quietly in bed forever.....
Monday, July 9, 2012
Day188 Year2012
Mood: Loving
Time:
I've always been frustrated with love.
I so hate the shallowness of men and how they pick women based from their "category". At times, I've completely given up on the thought of love and falling in love. I wanted to become someone that can move forward without needing such romance. Even so, a deep loneliness, one that really gets to me, overcomes my heart. Because of that, I turn cold just so I can get the need for warmth out of my head.
But a person cannnot live a full life without love. That is one thing I've concliuded after living these past 25 years being alone. Over and over, you yearn for such feelings. Be it compassion, kindness, a gentle touch or a comforting smile; you crave for it. Without such love, you will only become empty inside. Though I am incomplete, I don't want to be rock-bottom empty.
I try to fill the void as much as possible. Eating food never fills me completely and by now slowly bores me. Around other people, I grow reluctant to ask for such things, shunning away from others because of my complexities. I cannot force people I like to like me back since forcing someone to do something they hate is the very definition of rape for me.
Yes, at times of loneliness, I go to reading materials and stories and such pertaining to love. Stories that can shake my heart and bring tears to my eyes. Stories that depict the very essence of love and loving and the joy of being loved. And also the heartaches and pain of falling in love. There is so much in those stories have that I can relate to; that I can grasp and get ahold of. Then I put on some music to add to the mood. Be it mellow or sweet or just plain lullaby music, it spices every sentence, every word and makes me somewhat whole again.
And as long as there are scenarios that captures the element of romance and of love. As long as there are drawings of lovers that seems like their very soul is united as one; I think that I can fall in love that way and believe in the word "love" as well. And until the next time I come up with such wonderful storylines, I won't grow cold at night. But rather, be inspired to love once more and believe in people the next morning. And embrace everything that the world has denied of me. It is because of love that I can love continously.
Time:
I've always been frustrated with love.
I so hate the shallowness of men and how they pick women based from their "category". At times, I've completely given up on the thought of love and falling in love. I wanted to become someone that can move forward without needing such romance. Even so, a deep loneliness, one that really gets to me, overcomes my heart. Because of that, I turn cold just so I can get the need for warmth out of my head.
But a person cannnot live a full life without love. That is one thing I've concliuded after living these past 25 years being alone. Over and over, you yearn for such feelings. Be it compassion, kindness, a gentle touch or a comforting smile; you crave for it. Without such love, you will only become empty inside. Though I am incomplete, I don't want to be rock-bottom empty.
I try to fill the void as much as possible. Eating food never fills me completely and by now slowly bores me. Around other people, I grow reluctant to ask for such things, shunning away from others because of my complexities. I cannot force people I like to like me back since forcing someone to do something they hate is the very definition of rape for me.
Yes, at times of loneliness, I go to reading materials and stories and such pertaining to love. Stories that can shake my heart and bring tears to my eyes. Stories that depict the very essence of love and loving and the joy of being loved. And also the heartaches and pain of falling in love. There is so much in those stories have that I can relate to; that I can grasp and get ahold of. Then I put on some music to add to the mood. Be it mellow or sweet or just plain lullaby music, it spices every sentence, every word and makes me somewhat whole again.
And as long as there are scenarios that captures the element of romance and of love. As long as there are drawings of lovers that seems like their very soul is united as one; I think that I can fall in love that way and believe in the word "love" as well. And until the next time I come up with such wonderful storylines, I won't grow cold at night. But rather, be inspired to love once more and believe in people the next morning. And embrace everything that the world has denied of me. It is because of love that I can love continously.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Day183 Year2012
Time: 1833hrs
Mood: Annoyed
Got connected with that useless piece of trash again.
Just when its worth was over for me, it rambles my continuing peaceful life once more.
And to think "it" has the nerve to get angry at me for notifying our other "friends" of "its" current situation....
Can I just blurt out "don't bother me you F*Cn' Retard??!"
I have too many things to think about. School and stuff and the path my life is heading towards to right now, I just can't handle these worthless little stuff all in all. Shit.
It's just that I can't go out to "it's" face and go all smiley-happy like I'm glad to hear from "it" again.
Yeah, okay, you've done some things for me in life. Yeah, we've been together as a gang for these years, but shit man, you don't level up to my necessities. You're just not worth my time and attention. Plain and simple.
And to add fuel to the fire that is burning inside of me, this freak'n BI!Ch at home continuously mocks me. More like asking to be killed right here and there. Shit. I try to keep my cool and such, but the people around me is just pushing me to the limit. Don't wonder one day if I get to be a criminal or something, cause I will fuck'n MASSACRE these freakshits. There are just too many worthless people in this world and I want to clean them up one day. Fuc* F*ck! F!Ck!!!
Mood: Annoyed
Got connected with that useless piece of trash again.
Just when its worth was over for me, it rambles my continuing peaceful life once more.
And to think "it" has the nerve to get angry at me for notifying our other "friends" of "its" current situation....
Can I just blurt out "don't bother me you F*Cn' Retard??!"
I have too many things to think about. School and stuff and the path my life is heading towards to right now, I just can't handle these worthless little stuff all in all. Shit.
It's just that I can't go out to "it's" face and go all smiley-happy like I'm glad to hear from "it" again.
Yeah, okay, you've done some things for me in life. Yeah, we've been together as a gang for these years, but shit man, you don't level up to my necessities. You're just not worth my time and attention. Plain and simple.
And to add fuel to the fire that is burning inside of me, this freak'n BI!Ch at home continuously mocks me. More like asking to be killed right here and there. Shit. I try to keep my cool and such, but the people around me is just pushing me to the limit. Don't wonder one day if I get to be a criminal or something, cause I will fuck'n MASSACRE these freakshits. There are just too many worthless people in this world and I want to clean them up one day. Fuc* F*ck! F!Ck!!!
Monday, June 25, 2012
Day176 Year2012
Mood: under the weather...
Time: 1315hrs
Went with family and relatives yesterday.
To my surprise, a few unexpected "visitors" were present.
According to my understanding, these f*ckD up freaks came to my granny's house after those past transgressions and atrocities those people and their B-tch mom did in to our side. I mean, who in their mud-faced kind would go back and act all nice and sweet without even offering up an apology for all these years? I mean, seriously??!!
Even if the people around me says that all is forgiven and forgiveness is sacred and all these crappy shits, I won't forget. Because up to now, who gets busy taking care of their trash? Whichever people can't sleep sound at night thinking of the problems that those fu*krs committed??! Huh?!
And they tell me you are not INVOLVED in any of these. WTF?! Seriously? Is it that easy to forget?! While the very person that is like Edward Dantes rots away somewhere asking himself where the f*$K did I go wrong and here you three are in our presence laughing those very problems away as if they never existed....
If blood is thicker than water and this very blood is the only reason I don't go haywire in your face, then tell me just how much blood is involved and I'd immediately undergo Blood Transfusion or Dialysis or whatever just to wash your freaking BAD BLOOD away....
Seriously shitsheads....
Can't you even read the atmosphere? And you go all nice and cutesy to my face talking to me like we're on "good terms", you fuc*@d up little B!Tches...
And what? What.....
You got nailed by your "who-knows-what" boyfriend and you come up to us all preggy and send invites to your lame-ass nuptial? Who in their right mind would bother going there you C*nt? Just to see your prostitute mother that goes here and there luring men with money and then throwing them aside. And what, Boohoo your mother is a freaking retard and a wh*#re and that other side of the family doesn't take much liking to you kids so you come over here for comforting? For some instant cash? What are we, charity??
B*@tch that's Karma to you.
If you'd rather went here and told us you got pregnant and the guy ran on you and you're thinking of abortion, I'd much be glad to assist and push you down the stairs for a "two-for-one-you-and-your-baby-dies" kind of ending. But, nooo....you have the f*ck'g nerve to "invite" us, that kind of shit.
B*$tch if you're reading this, and oh how I hope you are, I wish you'd know the pain and suffering you've inflicted on our side. All the problems that arise one-by-one and for how many years and future years we'll endure it and carry that very SAME SHAME just because of your stupid LIES!
And for you to know just how much I was holding back so as not to give you a knuckle sandwich yesterday....and just how much I used the Lord's name in vain just so I can have the strength to ignore you three.
You're dead to me.
I'd much rather say dead to us, but my senile grandmother (yes, mine, not yours) getting aged as she is with so much regret in her heart and wants to make things happy again and complete the family, getting ready for Death himself, still invites you there....
I want you walking pestilence, vermin, HIVs, to stop getting close to the children. They have such a bright future ahead of them unlike your sorry excuse for a life. I hate seeing them playing with your bastard little sister and thinking how she'll influence their feeble minds. I hate you acting all-so-cozy as if the house was your place. I hate how you even still freaking EXIST and destroys our peaceful, quiet lives with all your filth. I hate you! Don't even go back there like vampires that enter houses continuously once their invited in. You're no longer a child that can't distinguish right from wrong. And for f*ck's sake, you're sure to ruin another life here. If you're still on the verge of rebellion and self-destruction , please do so at the comfort of your own places. Bother your "new family" over there. There's no place for you around us anymore.
Oh,Gawd...
...if you can, please die already. Or I swear the next time I come face-to-face with your kind I will TOTALLY snap and put you out of your misery....
Time: 1315hrs
Went with family and relatives yesterday.
To my surprise, a few unexpected "visitors" were present.
According to my understanding, these f*ckD up freaks came to my granny's house after those past transgressions and atrocities those people and their B-tch mom did in to our side. I mean, who in their mud-faced kind would go back and act all nice and sweet without even offering up an apology for all these years? I mean, seriously??!!
Even if the people around me says that all is forgiven and forgiveness is sacred and all these crappy shits, I won't forget. Because up to now, who gets busy taking care of their trash? Whichever people can't sleep sound at night thinking of the problems that those fu*krs committed??! Huh?!
And they tell me you are not INVOLVED in any of these. WTF?! Seriously? Is it that easy to forget?! While the very person that is like Edward Dantes rots away somewhere asking himself where the f*$K did I go wrong and here you three are in our presence laughing those very problems away as if they never existed....
If blood is thicker than water and this very blood is the only reason I don't go haywire in your face, then tell me just how much blood is involved and I'd immediately undergo Blood Transfusion or Dialysis or whatever just to wash your freaking BAD BLOOD away....
Seriously shitsheads....
Can't you even read the atmosphere? And you go all nice and cutesy to my face talking to me like we're on "good terms", you fuc*@d up little B!Tches...
And what? What.....
You got nailed by your "who-knows-what" boyfriend and you come up to us all preggy and send invites to your lame-ass nuptial? Who in their right mind would bother going there you C*nt? Just to see your prostitute mother that goes here and there luring men with money and then throwing them aside. And what, Boohoo your mother is a freaking retard and a wh*#re and that other side of the family doesn't take much liking to you kids so you come over here for comforting? For some instant cash? What are we, charity??
B*@tch that's Karma to you.
If you'd rather went here and told us you got pregnant and the guy ran on you and you're thinking of abortion, I'd much be glad to assist and push you down the stairs for a "two-for-one-you-and-your-baby-dies" kind of ending. But, nooo....you have the f*ck'g nerve to "invite" us, that kind of shit.
B*$tch if you're reading this, and oh how I hope you are, I wish you'd know the pain and suffering you've inflicted on our side. All the problems that arise one-by-one and for how many years and future years we'll endure it and carry that very SAME SHAME just because of your stupid LIES!
And for you to know just how much I was holding back so as not to give you a knuckle sandwich yesterday....and just how much I used the Lord's name in vain just so I can have the strength to ignore you three.
You're dead to me.
I'd much rather say dead to us, but my senile grandmother (yes, mine, not yours) getting aged as she is with so much regret in her heart and wants to make things happy again and complete the family, getting ready for Death himself, still invites you there....
I want you walking pestilence, vermin, HIVs, to stop getting close to the children. They have such a bright future ahead of them unlike your sorry excuse for a life. I hate seeing them playing with your bastard little sister and thinking how she'll influence their feeble minds. I hate you acting all-so-cozy as if the house was your place. I hate how you even still freaking EXIST and destroys our peaceful, quiet lives with all your filth. I hate you! Don't even go back there like vampires that enter houses continuously once their invited in. You're no longer a child that can't distinguish right from wrong. And for f*ck's sake, you're sure to ruin another life here. If you're still on the verge of rebellion and self-destruction , please do so at the comfort of your own places. Bother your "new family" over there. There's no place for you around us anymore.
Oh,Gawd...
...if you can, please die already. Or I swear the next time I come face-to-face with your kind I will TOTALLY snap and put you out of your misery....
Friday, June 22, 2012
Day173 Year2012
Mood: Frantic
Time: 1812hrs
Have been under the weather lately.
A "FRIEND" forced their problems on me, though I may have, in a way, invoked it from their mouths. Even so, is it really in the hands of a friend to pull them through thick and thin even though the solution can mostly be solved by their own hands?
What is a friend anyway?
Are they the ones you come to in times of need? The people you put the blame when there's no one around? Those that listens to your every plea? Those you set aside whenever you don't have any need for them? These are the people that surrounds me. These are the worthless and weak-minded people that cling onto my side. And yet, as the manipulative freak that I am, I try to suck them for as much as I can. As long as they have some use for me, I will use them. Though I doubt that there's much equivalent trade there.
It's just so damn freaking irritating.
I'm no God that can do the impossible and pull out miracles on a whim. I'm just a mere human. Doing and going by as much as I possibly can. I am only a "friend" that is there to hear out your problems, not the entire solution to the equation. There is no reason for me to get bugged by these tiresome rantings and idiotic antics. How f**kng annoying....
If you want to die and kill yourself,,go ahead. It's a pain off my back.
Just don't try to reason it out and reach for my conscience cause you won't find it anywhere. I gave you choices, its in yours to take it. Just don't go crying later insisting that its "MY FAULT".
Geeezzz.....how fuc*ng annoying these so-called "friends" are.....
Time: 1812hrs
Have been under the weather lately.
A "FRIEND" forced their problems on me, though I may have, in a way, invoked it from their mouths. Even so, is it really in the hands of a friend to pull them through thick and thin even though the solution can mostly be solved by their own hands?
What is a friend anyway?
Are they the ones you come to in times of need? The people you put the blame when there's no one around? Those that listens to your every plea? Those you set aside whenever you don't have any need for them? These are the people that surrounds me. These are the worthless and weak-minded people that cling onto my side. And yet, as the manipulative freak that I am, I try to suck them for as much as I can. As long as they have some use for me, I will use them. Though I doubt that there's much equivalent trade there.
It's just so damn freaking irritating.
I'm no God that can do the impossible and pull out miracles on a whim. I'm just a mere human. Doing and going by as much as I possibly can. I am only a "friend" that is there to hear out your problems, not the entire solution to the equation. There is no reason for me to get bugged by these tiresome rantings and idiotic antics. How f**kng annoying....
If you want to die and kill yourself,,go ahead. It's a pain off my back.
Just don't try to reason it out and reach for my conscience cause you won't find it anywhere. I gave you choices, its in yours to take it. Just don't go crying later insisting that its "MY FAULT".
Geeezzz.....how fuc*ng annoying these so-called "friends" are.....
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Day163 Year2012
Mood: Confused
Time: 1729hours
I'm confused.
Well, I am only human. But I tend to think about things more. And right now, relationships confuse me. I am ignorant, and not innocent, with regards to human relations. Intimate ones confuse me even more and I dwell behind the reasons one might harbor and theorize on them on my own. "Why?" "why?" "why?", that is my most favorite phrase and wonder about the truth behind it. And once more I ask, "why?"
People confide their innermost secrets to me. To that I ask, WHY? Why me? Why ask? Why question when the answer is already there? Why make matters more worse when it was too shallow to begin with? Why are you such an idiot?
Stupid A asked me if their lover loves them. S.A's lover used to be so sweet and nice. They showered gifts over their feet and the love was definitely there. But situations change and love is never eternal (based on my observations) and there are things that A's lover sees about A. A is so sure that there is no longer warmth in their relationship. Therefore, I concluded, that there isn't. Even so, A is persistent on keeping the lover for pity's sake or for what you call "pinagsamahan." I don't understand. If you already feel that there is no love and the before isn't like the now, then leave the bastard. You have your answer and you don't need a reason to leave "it". You're just looking for a reason to stay still and not make waste all the years you've been through. Also, I don't have any real experience in love, so why ask me?
Stupid B gets pregnant and want to abort the baby.
Their parents doesn't know a thing and the father insists it is not theirs. As a pro-life (due to reasons i cannot tell though personally I'd say kill the bastard), B then calls me that they will keep the child though on their own.
Stupid C asks me if the person they like like them as well. They were already in a relationship and it was the first few weeks that they were lovers and to be specific, C's lover was just in front of them so why the heck point out to me the question? If your lover is right there in front of you then ask them yourself! I'm not psychic! I don't read minds! And besides, would they confess properly if they didn't? Dimwit!
Over and over and over again in my life have I been gone to long chats with people asking questions that could have been answered appropriately should they be directed towards the RIGHT person. And over and over and over again was I asked regarding relationships that I haven't even gone through myself.
And people. They talk to me and then end up ignoring me later on after using me. Yes, people are just like that, using individuals for their benefit. I hate it. If they weren't of some use to me as well I'd have thrown them and punched them all over.
What I don't understand most is the inner workings of a man in search of a relationship. Or rather, I already know of them but doesn't want to accept that they are all just that....?
Yes, they say they want someone that they can get with but in the end they'd still choose face value over smarts. Men are shallow that way. They'd choose a beautiful body over someone that cares especially for them. Yes. I know already. I know the answer as well but doesn't want to acknowledge it. Because when I do, that would mean I will be forced to change just for those shallow reasons in which I don't want to, really. And because of this, I've come to hate them. Hating their guts. Hating their feeble and worthless reasons and thinking. Yes, hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate.... it is all I can do. Hate. Though i would rather much get along with their kind than the backstabbing nature of women. Their faces are masks full of lies.
Hate.
I think I hate people.
Time: 1729hours
I'm confused.
Well, I am only human. But I tend to think about things more. And right now, relationships confuse me. I am ignorant, and not innocent, with regards to human relations. Intimate ones confuse me even more and I dwell behind the reasons one might harbor and theorize on them on my own. "Why?" "why?" "why?", that is my most favorite phrase and wonder about the truth behind it. And once more I ask, "why?"
People confide their innermost secrets to me. To that I ask, WHY? Why me? Why ask? Why question when the answer is already there? Why make matters more worse when it was too shallow to begin with? Why are you such an idiot?
Stupid A asked me if their lover loves them. S.A's lover used to be so sweet and nice. They showered gifts over their feet and the love was definitely there. But situations change and love is never eternal (based on my observations) and there are things that A's lover sees about A. A is so sure that there is no longer warmth in their relationship. Therefore, I concluded, that there isn't. Even so, A is persistent on keeping the lover for pity's sake or for what you call "pinagsamahan." I don't understand. If you already feel that there is no love and the before isn't like the now, then leave the bastard. You have your answer and you don't need a reason to leave "it". You're just looking for a reason to stay still and not make waste all the years you've been through. Also, I don't have any real experience in love, so why ask me?
Stupid B gets pregnant and want to abort the baby.
Their parents doesn't know a thing and the father insists it is not theirs. As a pro-life (due to reasons i cannot tell though personally I'd say kill the bastard), B then calls me that they will keep the child though on their own.
Stupid C asks me if the person they like like them as well. They were already in a relationship and it was the first few weeks that they were lovers and to be specific, C's lover was just in front of them so why the heck point out to me the question? If your lover is right there in front of you then ask them yourself! I'm not psychic! I don't read minds! And besides, would they confess properly if they didn't? Dimwit!
Over and over and over again in my life have I been gone to long chats with people asking questions that could have been answered appropriately should they be directed towards the RIGHT person. And over and over and over again was I asked regarding relationships that I haven't even gone through myself.
And people. They talk to me and then end up ignoring me later on after using me. Yes, people are just like that, using individuals for their benefit. I hate it. If they weren't of some use to me as well I'd have thrown them and punched them all over.
What I don't understand most is the inner workings of a man in search of a relationship. Or rather, I already know of them but doesn't want to accept that they are all just that....?
Yes, they say they want someone that they can get with but in the end they'd still choose face value over smarts. Men are shallow that way. They'd choose a beautiful body over someone that cares especially for them. Yes. I know already. I know the answer as well but doesn't want to acknowledge it. Because when I do, that would mean I will be forced to change just for those shallow reasons in which I don't want to, really. And because of this, I've come to hate them. Hating their guts. Hating their feeble and worthless reasons and thinking. Yes, hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate.... it is all I can do. Hate. Though i would rather much get along with their kind than the backstabbing nature of women. Their faces are masks full of lies.
Hate.
I think I hate people.
Friday, June 8, 2012
Day157 Year2012
Mood: Decadent
Time: 1504hrs
Time.
I have no need for it.
Every time I sleep in the night, I find myself waking up to the morning and wasting the rest of the day.
Boredom.
I find this fleeting moment boring.
With nothing to do and just sit and stare into nothingness, I ask the usual questions. "How long must I continue like this?" "How much more must I wait in futility?" "Why does the current me exist?" And so on that its tiring just the same.
Dead.
My heart is dead.
It does not beat to the usual activities since nothing in this 4 corners of the room brings me excitement. I am caged. Merely by the weakness that is inside of me and the limitations of my capabilities. I am this old and yet I have not grasped the freedom that I've longed for since childhood.
Decayed.
I am a rotting tree.
I have yet to bear fruits and already I am dying. Wild plants with their greed saps me of nutrition and have outgrown me enough to cover me away from the sun. I am enclosed in this darkness. Getting cold and dying. Is this what it means to live? To exist? Only to shred away from life even before coming to maturity?
My mind gets blank.
Nothing moves my heart. There is no beating in my chest. Darkness covers my eyes and blinds me. I reach out to the air and no one catches me. I am alone. Still. Like the moment I came to this world. Even so, death evades me. I long for him and still he has no reason to come for me. "Why is that?", I ask. But I could only ask and get no further reply. Nobody is kind enough to give me a straight answer.
In this room right now, I am surrounded by living things. Pets swarm around me and yet they can never give me the kind of affection I would like to have. The window to the outside world is barred shut not even allowing the rays of the sun to penetrate the inside of this cage. I can hear footsteps and voices that sound like they are enjoying the rest of their afternoon. At these times, if only I have the guts to yell out, I might scream for help. But I am a bird. I have lived my life in this cage. It gives me shelter and convenience. Though it doesn't give me warmth or happiness or love, it gives me security that there is someplace that I can go back to. Even if the people living here isn't the kind I want to go back to.
Moments more have elapsed. In my head I am building up a certain thought. A plan, if you will, for the coming moments more. I am having thoughts, doubts, double-thinking of the decisions and consequences afterwards. I want to do something. Something that would take this boredom away even though I am fully aware that it would cost me. Yes, money. Though I have always regarded and decided that money is to be used for my happiness and nothing more, it is that same money that is giving me problems. What if I'll need it in the future? What if something happens? To not have the necessary financial status at the time when I'll need it, I shudder to think. Even so, have I not been used to being penniless? Without a job and still relying on the comforts relatives provide, I am a certified leecher. A weak creature that sucks the blood out of the living. Yes, I am so weak. Too weak for my own good. Despite boasting at times that I am great, I guess up to now I am all talk afterall. How utterly disappointing....
Time: 1504hrs
Time.
I have no need for it.
Every time I sleep in the night, I find myself waking up to the morning and wasting the rest of the day.
Boredom.
I find this fleeting moment boring.
With nothing to do and just sit and stare into nothingness, I ask the usual questions. "How long must I continue like this?" "How much more must I wait in futility?" "Why does the current me exist?" And so on that its tiring just the same.
Dead.
My heart is dead.
It does not beat to the usual activities since nothing in this 4 corners of the room brings me excitement. I am caged. Merely by the weakness that is inside of me and the limitations of my capabilities. I am this old and yet I have not grasped the freedom that I've longed for since childhood.
Decayed.
I am a rotting tree.
I have yet to bear fruits and already I am dying. Wild plants with their greed saps me of nutrition and have outgrown me enough to cover me away from the sun. I am enclosed in this darkness. Getting cold and dying. Is this what it means to live? To exist? Only to shred away from life even before coming to maturity?
My mind gets blank.
Nothing moves my heart. There is no beating in my chest. Darkness covers my eyes and blinds me. I reach out to the air and no one catches me. I am alone. Still. Like the moment I came to this world. Even so, death evades me. I long for him and still he has no reason to come for me. "Why is that?", I ask. But I could only ask and get no further reply. Nobody is kind enough to give me a straight answer.
In this room right now, I am surrounded by living things. Pets swarm around me and yet they can never give me the kind of affection I would like to have. The window to the outside world is barred shut not even allowing the rays of the sun to penetrate the inside of this cage. I can hear footsteps and voices that sound like they are enjoying the rest of their afternoon. At these times, if only I have the guts to yell out, I might scream for help. But I am a bird. I have lived my life in this cage. It gives me shelter and convenience. Though it doesn't give me warmth or happiness or love, it gives me security that there is someplace that I can go back to. Even if the people living here isn't the kind I want to go back to.
Moments more have elapsed. In my head I am building up a certain thought. A plan, if you will, for the coming moments more. I am having thoughts, doubts, double-thinking of the decisions and consequences afterwards. I want to do something. Something that would take this boredom away even though I am fully aware that it would cost me. Yes, money. Though I have always regarded and decided that money is to be used for my happiness and nothing more, it is that same money that is giving me problems. What if I'll need it in the future? What if something happens? To not have the necessary financial status at the time when I'll need it, I shudder to think. Even so, have I not been used to being penniless? Without a job and still relying on the comforts relatives provide, I am a certified leecher. A weak creature that sucks the blood out of the living. Yes, I am so weak. Too weak for my own good. Despite boasting at times that I am great, I guess up to now I am all talk afterall. How utterly disappointing....
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Day 149 Year 2012
Mood: Tired, sleepy, even so restless
Time: 0211hrs
Slowly, I feel like something is breaking inside of me. All the anger and hatred I have accumulated these past years is trying to release itself from the vessel that is ME. I've tried to smile, be kind, and be just in every little thing that I do, but in the end, I am only human. When the time comes that I do break up this mask, will I regret again? I have so many things to regret. I don't want to be disappointed by the time these darkness of mine finally escapes. Besides, it is a part of me as well. This deep darkness I carry is another side of me and I intend to embrace it nonetheless. And at the moment that I do get tired of lying to myself, I expect to become the other me completely. The me that I've withdrawn from this world. The Me that is shunned by society and deemed "unfit" to exist. I think slowly, anticipate, delighted of the thought that I do finally break inside. Because by then, I won't have to lie to myself. I won't be tied down by standards that other people put up for the rest to follow. And I won't be bored looking at the same scenery everyday of my life.
So hurry up, shatter completely.
I look for reasons for this current me to be destroyed.
I only need one thing. One major thing that would make me move and convince me that CHANGE is inevitable. Just one reason is enough. Now, come. Give me one reason. Give me a reason to destroy myself.
Time: 0211hrs
Slowly, I feel like something is breaking inside of me. All the anger and hatred I have accumulated these past years is trying to release itself from the vessel that is ME. I've tried to smile, be kind, and be just in every little thing that I do, but in the end, I am only human. When the time comes that I do break up this mask, will I regret again? I have so many things to regret. I don't want to be disappointed by the time these darkness of mine finally escapes. Besides, it is a part of me as well. This deep darkness I carry is another side of me and I intend to embrace it nonetheless. And at the moment that I do get tired of lying to myself, I expect to become the other me completely. The me that I've withdrawn from this world. The Me that is shunned by society and deemed "unfit" to exist. I think slowly, anticipate, delighted of the thought that I do finally break inside. Because by then, I won't have to lie to myself. I won't be tied down by standards that other people put up for the rest to follow. And I won't be bored looking at the same scenery everyday of my life.
So hurry up, shatter completely.
I look for reasons for this current me to be destroyed.
I only need one thing. One major thing that would make me move and convince me that CHANGE is inevitable. Just one reason is enough. Now, come. Give me one reason. Give me a reason to destroy myself.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Day 123 Year 2012
Mood: Ennui
Time: 0935hrs
Have been too tired recently due to recent events that presided. The sun is blazing hot outside and the brightness of the light stings my eyes. I do not wish to go out anymore. I hate how the heat makes me sweat profusely and how the light brightly shines without due reason. As if the coldness of my heart could be thawed by the weather. As if.
I pass the days reading and logging on the net. Surfing it like the waves of the sea that runs continuously. In life, I've witnessed the coming start of another branch of life. The soon start of a family. I grow envious at the person that is giving their all for that certain goal. More envious am I of the fact that they are not like me; one without a destination and one that is constantly in craving for something that I know not.
By meeting people, I change. But only meeting them in life, I've learned that they are like ghosts that you see that pass through you and disappear afterwards. They mean nothing in the end. Just a speck of dust that clouds the eyes for a second. They can do nothing and change nothing more in the current "you". They are just there for the mere purpose of "being there" and simply existing. Why then, I ask, were we fated to meet? If in the end they would only put ripples in your waters and then sink to the bottom of the sea? Oh how the word "FATE" tests me dearly. My patience and questions pile up one-by-one. If only there were no people to torment you in such a way. If there were no people that would invade your life, making you confused and vanishing without a trace. Leaving you hopeless still and more lonely than before. That you would come to know the word LONELINESS than you've ever known before.
Time: 0935hrs
Have been too tired recently due to recent events that presided. The sun is blazing hot outside and the brightness of the light stings my eyes. I do not wish to go out anymore. I hate how the heat makes me sweat profusely and how the light brightly shines without due reason. As if the coldness of my heart could be thawed by the weather. As if.
I pass the days reading and logging on the net. Surfing it like the waves of the sea that runs continuously. In life, I've witnessed the coming start of another branch of life. The soon start of a family. I grow envious at the person that is giving their all for that certain goal. More envious am I of the fact that they are not like me; one without a destination and one that is constantly in craving for something that I know not.
By meeting people, I change. But only meeting them in life, I've learned that they are like ghosts that you see that pass through you and disappear afterwards. They mean nothing in the end. Just a speck of dust that clouds the eyes for a second. They can do nothing and change nothing more in the current "you". They are just there for the mere purpose of "being there" and simply existing. Why then, I ask, were we fated to meet? If in the end they would only put ripples in your waters and then sink to the bottom of the sea? Oh how the word "FATE" tests me dearly. My patience and questions pile up one-by-one. If only there were no people to torment you in such a way. If there were no people that would invade your life, making you confused and vanishing without a trace. Leaving you hopeless still and more lonely than before. That you would come to know the word LONELINESS than you've ever known before.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Day 54 Year 2012
Time: 0080hrs
The times of laughter and cheers are gone.
They are but a fleeting moment trapped in my memories; forever encased at the back of my mind.
I no longer have a reason to be happy. The people from my past are gone and the people I will meet in the future are heartless and cold. I HATE THEM. Try as I might to bring a smile out, in my heart I know that I am only kidding myself. I'm lying to my self again.
The nights are filled with passing time. Time is no longer important. I have no recollection of what I did yesterday that I didn't do today or won't happen tomorrow. Round and round it continues. This never-ending cycle of boredom, hatred and depression. I want to die but I'm not brave enough to face the pain that is incorporated with the separation of my being with my physical body. I am weak that way.
I no longer have anything to wish for. No matter how much I plead, wishes won't come true by simply praying to the Higher power. So I ignore trying to be what is written. I ignore being kind. I take people for granted and spread anger and hatred instead. This world doesn't care about me, so why should I? Even if I try to show kindness, the world only throws hatred at my face. Behind me there are kinds that stab me relentlessly. Everyone is a being full of envy and hatred.
At times when I do evil, I look here and there for some form of punishment but none comes back. I try to do good and I am faced with karma in an instant. This world never was fair to the good and more so gives a just example to the bad. You just live life as if there was no tomorrow regardless of how you live it. Every lives nowadays are running amok in a frenzy. The young die young and those that don't live at all die until they're really old and unhappy. Besides, who wants to live forever if you'll only experience bitter times at most? I hated this world. Even now I abhor the thought of being alive surrounded by lies,deceit,wrath,the madness of it all! I hate the people that whisper at my back. Talking about me as if they know me and what I've been through. I hate this world that speaks of peace and justice and never does practice it, or if they do only for the convenience of the wealthy. I hate the people that judge me and tell me they love me, because in the end they will be the ones who will hurt me the most. I hate you people.
"YOU" who come in here and read this and tell me things and shit that you don't really know about. You that will label me and such after reading this and You that will try to force your pitiful beliefs on me. For those people, I tell you now to STFU! Someone as dark and wounded as my freaking heart won't be able to understand the minds of idiots that claim the world is peaceful and kind. I hate this life!
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Day 4 Year2012
Time: 1634hrs
Mood: Depressed,morose
They say people are capable of affection regardless if they personally know them. At first glance, you can feel their warm-felt acceptance through a simple nod or a beautiful smile. Yet to me, those are just false pretense of a human's perception and PR. You don't know them so you assume that they can be kind, thus a smile shows. You don't know them and still you can at times converse with others normally though you barely know a thing about them. A "normal person" would be brought up with teachings on how to be "Kind" to one another, just to grow up learning through harsh experience how calculating and manipulative the inside of a "normal person" can be.
People are not kind. They are vindictive, jealous, greedy and selfish. I know because I am one of those "normal person" before. I've come to realize without anyone's help how sufferable living life like this. To be taught to show kindness while everyone else is not. To be told to act friendly when everyone around you is just there to use you. And the morale of the story? Karma. God's divine punishment. The fear of being vindicated by the all-powerful wrath of Him Almighty. And despite the on-going cruelty and malice of others, who gets punished? The ever-righteous believer. It eats me up inside. The fact. The reality that there is no punishment waiting for them. That even if they do all those things, no one is there to abhor them. Because everyone is told to LOVE them....and how idiotic this seems to me.
Even so, still. I cannot move on. I cannot tear my chains and fly freely. I'm such a coward. Always afraid of the consequences despite knowing the facts. I have spent almost half of my life on this world already. Isn't it time for me to be rid of these utterly pointless doubts? At times I just want to wake up and throw away everything and leave everything and everyone I know behind. They're all useless to me anyway, so why bother? I'm fed up of being used and forced to smile so happily while inside I'm not. HA-ha-ha....
this grin sometimes just falls off to the side. I can feel it. And I can sense that others know of it. The reason my grin is turning to a frown...
Hmm...yeah, sometime this year I'll just throw it all away....
It "is" the new year anyway...
Mood: Depressed,morose
They say people are capable of affection regardless if they personally know them. At first glance, you can feel their warm-felt acceptance through a simple nod or a beautiful smile. Yet to me, those are just false pretense of a human's perception and PR. You don't know them so you assume that they can be kind, thus a smile shows. You don't know them and still you can at times converse with others normally though you barely know a thing about them. A "normal person" would be brought up with teachings on how to be "Kind" to one another, just to grow up learning through harsh experience how calculating and manipulative the inside of a "normal person" can be.
People are not kind. They are vindictive, jealous, greedy and selfish. I know because I am one of those "normal person" before. I've come to realize without anyone's help how sufferable living life like this. To be taught to show kindness while everyone else is not. To be told to act friendly when everyone around you is just there to use you. And the morale of the story? Karma. God's divine punishment. The fear of being vindicated by the all-powerful wrath of Him Almighty. And despite the on-going cruelty and malice of others, who gets punished? The ever-righteous believer. It eats me up inside. The fact. The reality that there is no punishment waiting for them. That even if they do all those things, no one is there to abhor them. Because everyone is told to LOVE them....and how idiotic this seems to me.
Even so, still. I cannot move on. I cannot tear my chains and fly freely. I'm such a coward. Always afraid of the consequences despite knowing the facts. I have spent almost half of my life on this world already. Isn't it time for me to be rid of these utterly pointless doubts? At times I just want to wake up and throw away everything and leave everything and everyone I know behind. They're all useless to me anyway, so why bother? I'm fed up of being used and forced to smile so happily while inside I'm not. HA-ha-ha....
this grin sometimes just falls off to the side. I can feel it. And I can sense that others know of it. The reason my grin is turning to a frown...
Hmm...yeah, sometime this year I'll just throw it all away....
It "is" the new year anyway...
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