Day194 Year2013 (murmurs of the heart)

I'm so lonely.
So lonely that I could die.....

....why won't I die?

No matter how much I scream, no one hears me.
There's no one who understands me.
Even if I threaten to kill myself in public, no one would bother to stop me.

Am I really that worthless to anybody?
Does no one really care about me?
Or are they just too busy caring for themselves that they forget?

I'm so lonely.
Why won't I die from this pain? This sorrow?
Even if a blade cuts me I can feel no pain.
Just this ache in my heart.
Its killing me.

It's so cold.
I want to feel cold.
I don't want any kind of warmth to pass through me.
I want to bathe in ice.
I want to drink freezing water. Eat snow.
If it would make me numb.
So that I may no longer feel the pain nor care for another.

Living alone is lonely.
I thought if I could gather enough people by my side then I won't be alone anymore.
But its still lonesome by my self.
More so knowing that the people around me doesn't care about me.

It's excruciating living like this.
Even if I pray, no God would hear me.
Even if I summon, no Demon would come near me.

Where is anybody?
I can't see them.
Why won't anyone hug me? Cherish me?
Treat me kindly? Think of me dearly....
Why isn't there like that in this world?

Where is the other ME?
My soul mate that should save me from this pain.
Where are you?
Have you died and left me already?
Even though you were supposed to be a part of me...
....you've left me? All Alone.

Day194 Year2013

Mood: Destitute
Time: 2055hrs


I'm at my usual place.
Trapped within the solace of this 4-walled room.
No one to talk to but myself and some pets.
I'm alone as I was born.

Earlier, I gazed upon my past logs in a blog somewhere.
There were notes like a journal log that I read.
It was just I was amazed at how well the sentences were formed despite claiming to be depressed.
Words were concise and understandable and the whole paragraph connected; like they made sense.

I always re-read my posts.
I try to make sure that I didn't leave any wrong words or misspelled them in any way.
Yet even so, the post, as a whole, was not complete.
It did not seem to point anywhere.
It did not make much sense.

That's when I figured that the current "me" was on the lowest of the low when it comes to morale.
I think this time, I'm 100% depressed and soon will be suicidal.
Or I already am, since just the other day, I challenged crossing the streets while the cars were moving fast and the back would almost hit me if I drew closer any further.
I just wanted to die now.
But I know such thing is not easy.
A suicidal-idiot may think that its easy to die, but its not.
Especially when every bone;every muscle; every fiber of your body senses that and tells you "you must live."
I know that feeling.
I am a coward when it comes to killing myself, but the times that I've encountered near-death experiences I've always ended up crying that I want to live.

*Sigh*
I never really get what I want.
Even in death, I can't take my own life whenever I want it.
This life. Just what is it in there that's worth living for?
If there are people in this world that many would mourn for; that many would cry over when they die; then why can't I give my useless life for their sake? At least some would be happy.
Every person is equal.
But my life is not.
It is always taken away from me.
If its really survival of the fittest, why don't they just let me die here and now?

I don't understand.
No one would understand me too.

So, why?
Why am I still alive?

For what?

Day191 Year2013

Mood: Pissed off
Time: 0040hrs



I hate this world.
There's nothing good to love.
I thought that if I were kind, I would be treated kindly.
I thought that if I were fair, I would be treated fairly.

This world is just corrupted.
It has so much garbage than treasure.
It is more useless than its real worth.
The world, the humans, the people living in this caged up life liiving under the pretense of being "good" because of RULES. These worthless rules that is implemented but never obeyed. If its worthless, why bother following it? Why be tied to it?

It was people who made these rules.
But it was them that don't follow.
If it were for everyone's sake; if it were for the equal treatment of mankind, then why is there people that roam the world unpunished? Why are there scum frolicking happily in my backyard? Why are my rights being stumped to the ground by insects that were supposed to be beneath me?

I hate this world.
This world of supposed "civility" that the rest of society want to implement while the many go about ignoring it. I hate this world. I hate this society bound by laws that can't help the helpless and needy. I hate seeing the usual facade of politicians smiling about making demands of us individuals. I hate this worthless system that they want to live by for the rest who are not robots but wild beasts. Going about on their regular rampage.

Why do I have to be bound to this?
Why do I have to follow this ridiculous rules when they were but guidelines anyway?
Why are the mistakes of some backfired to me, the innocent?

I hate it.
I don't think I can have anything to love about in this world ruled by men.
I don't want to live life being the "good citizen" any longer.
It does not profit me in any way.

I hate it.
I hate it.
I hate it so much.

I hate these invisible chains that bind me to my true potential.
I hate these rules.
I hate these steps.
I hate these cage I live in.

I want to break it.
I want to destroy this corrupt system so that I can build anew.
I want to cut these worthless ties to the living.
They that mean nothing but the wicked ghost of a past.

I hate it.
Someone, release me from my binds.
I want to scream from the top of my lungs.
I want to spread my wings.
To prove that I am living and alive.
I have no need of it.
The past, these regulations, anything.

I don't want this limited kind of living.
Release me already.

Free yourself.
Me.

The things I Love (Interlude)

I love the rain.
Because I can cry all I want without anyone complaining I'm loud.

I love this planet.
I just don't like the people that live in it.

I love animals.
Too bad they don't love me.

I love music.
It understands me better than anybody.

I love the wind.
If I spread my arms, I can feel like even a person like me could fly away somewhere far.

That's it for now.

(to be added continuously)

Day184 Year2013

Mood: Sickly
Time: 0730hrs



It's morning and it just started raining.
The usual bright view from the outside is turned to gray by the weather.
It was actually quite hot the past few days considering the season, so I've wondered when such rain would fall on over our heads.

Also, these past few days, things happened that was inevitable.
Circumstances and even maybe FATE made things progress the way it did.
However, I am still stuck in this "now" without the intention of moving forward.
No, rather, I have every intention to throw away the past, but "unseen" forces makes me lag behind everyone else. I am as always, TRAPPED without the reassuring sight of light.

Again, these past few days, I've come about some few conclusions.
That there is NO GOD. And if there is, then He's one fucked up sadist.
That "friendship" is just a word. It is the time when people come to you in their darkest hours then forget you in times of happiness. Yeah, its fucked up too.
That there is no one in this world that can help you but yourself. So again, companionship is for the weak. And yeah, camaraderie is fucked up again.
That TRUST is no longer for the trustworthy. Since there isn't in the world that is.
That possibilities exist when others give up. There pops up opportunities.
And that there isn't a sure road to the future.

And so, the following days to come, all I can do is trust myself, push myself forward and throw away the excess baggage that is my past. I don't think I'll be needing it if I am to move forward.

Yes, its tiring.
I've felt this pain and burden before.
I grew tired of it and threw it away.
I told myself I don't like it so I have no need for it.
How ironic that such events would come again in the future.

So this is what life is about?
To fight your way until you die?
So living is actually slowly dying....
...so what was I living for again?

Day181 Year2013

Mood: Sickly
Time: 0304hrs



Why does luck come swiftly to others and yet very rarely do it visit me?
They say just do your best and it will eventually lead to something....
How many times have I done something yet achieve nothing?
I don't know about the "doing your best" part, but I know I suffered doing it.
Results are everything.
No matter how much effort you exert, if you have no talent for it, then your effort is wasted on a useless thing. I tried walking a path that I thought would lead me somewhere, but all I faced are hundreds of dead-ends and no exit. I hate it.

[ Try and try until you succeed. ]

Would that include your wasted human years accumulating nothing but failures?
Surely, one should've learned a bit from their past mistakes, but if it is something one cannot possibly do, then one should not have tried in the first place. Its utter pointless.

Also, although people see, doesn't mean they know or understand.
It's something I've learned just recently.
A person I inquired about said to me that I shouldn't complain to my "Friends" if they don't comment or talk to me whenever I rant about regarding my life. That they "too" are facing a harsh world and they have their own lives to bother about. "I understand", I said to myself. I understand perfectly well the selfishness of individuals. How they prioritize their lives above all others. But I am not "anybody" to them. I am supposed to be a [ friend ]. And that certain "friend" is in need of moral help and support. Whence I, on the other hand, was there by their side when they needed me, I want them to be there at the time when I needed their help. Even if they don't understand me, if they really are a "TRUE FRIEND" then words aren't necessary.

Is that so much to ask for?
Is my concept of friendship WRONG?
Was I the only who taught that friends are people that stick together and support each other?
Was I the only one who acted as a FRIEND?

I don't understand.
I do not know their ways.
But I am certain it is selfish.

I've posted many times of how I wanted to kill myself.
But until now, none replied to care.
Where are they, my so-called FRIENDS?
Really,....oh how I HATE THIS WORLD I live in.
How I HATE this life I am living.
As before, kindness is unnecessary in this time.
I have no need for it anymore.