Mood: Meh...
Time: 1355hrs
Too many things happening and at the same time none at all...
Last week, father's boss died. We just visited him on Sunday night on October 2nd at the hospital. He was old and frail and had suffered many complications. He was like a second father to my dad. He was a good person despite his nationality.
After Sunday, the next day he died. It was Monday noon time. Due to complications brought by fluids in his lungs. The day I saw him last, he was being transfused with blood. At the time, I had a feeling that that was the last time we'd saw him. I wanted them to have a commemorational picture but I was too shy to ask that of them. I regret that moment that will never be brought back. Therefore, I have promised myself to burn that moment in my memory as much as I could even though I new that moments like those burn fast in my mind.
We visited his wake on Tuesday night. We came back Thursday night again where a eulogy by his relatives ensued. It was a wonderful wake held in a luxurious funeral home known in our country. And on Friday last week, he was buried. Then did I learned that he was supposed to celebrate his birthday this coming Saturday. How unfortunate. Even so, he lived loving people and being kind and people loved him back. I hope he rests in peace.
I, on the other hand, am back to square one.
Longing, daydreaming and doing nothing here in the house.
So bored.
So annoyed.
So angry at the world and myself.
No matter how hard I try to find work, I can't.
It's been a year from now since I last had a job.
I don't know where my badluck emanates from.
Its just I have such bad luck searching for what I want.
I think I'll die like this.
Doing nothing and being no one of importance or worth.
I would just fade into everyone's mind as a distant memory. Someone not worth recollecting.
A vague shadow in the corner of their bright lives.
They are moving forward. Making babies and creating families of their own.
While here I am, getting old and fat, having no one to take care of when my parents die.
Therefore before and if that happens, I have made myself up to kill myself at that time.
How or when I won't know.
My life is useless anyway.
No one cares about someone like me.
Before I get hurt more, before I hurt others, its better to die by my hands.
Heaven or Hell.....life as of now is inferno.
