Day180 Year2015

Mood:  Suicidal as always
Time: 1516hrs


Suicidal as always.
More so, again, today.
The cycle of being treated as a useless being in the family.
To be looked down on in contempt.
To be told I'm worthless despite my continuous efforts to be otherwise.
I'm tired of it all.

The kindness and appreciation I so look forward to in this household is nowhere to be found.
I had hoped, knowing that they are family and thus, I should be loved unconditionally but not.

I hate this place.
I want to run away from it all.
But the fear binds me.

I would've loved to kill myself by gunshot to the head but the fear cripples me.
More so than I thought.

I wanted to be free but to actually grasp freedom and to do with it once its attained.
I don't know what I would do with it then.

I just wanted to be loved.
To be appreciated.
To be respected.
But it is nowhere in sight.

God. If you exist. Why did you create me?
Why did someone like me born into this kind of world?
I've always thought a being like God is a worthless being because all He ever does is look down on His creations and watch them burn themselves into oblivion.
But if He did exist, I had only that question in mind.
Why did you create someone like me?

I'm always hated even if I don't do anything wrong.
If I do something right, I'm envied and hated even more.
I try to get out of this cycle of misfortune but whatever I do, I end up more unfortunate and miserable than ever.
No one understands me.
Not even me.

God, if you exist, take pity and save me.
If the devil exists, give me what I want in exchange for my soul.
I'm tired of living.
I'm tired of this never-ending cycle.
The people that I know around me dies with their loved ones mourning their demise.
Why can't I die already?
No one will miss me.
No one will cry and be sad.
Kill me instead of them.
They are kind people. The type that everyone will miss.
No one will miss me.
Why can't I give my remaining years to them instead and take their place?
Why can't I....

Day157 Year2015

Time: 0005hrs
Mood:  Horny

"I'm horny!"
"So horny tonight~"

As the song goes, I am freaking horny as heck!

It's midnight and I'm watching porn all by my lonesome self.
It may be a physical need, but truthfully, I'm still a virgin.
I don't know how sex feels like.

I'm really envious of gays who can go all out and just pick someone up from nowhere.

I'm a little too shy around people, so I can't possibly do that sort of thing.

And the one thing that I don't have, money, is very important, it seems.

As I am aware, money = sex. Lols.

Anyway, back to my horniness...

Can't even find a freaking dildo in this conservative nation!

HIV is rampant but they prohibit sex toys? Hahahah!
It's the church that keeps on butting on everyone's business!
Telling the world what is and what is not right even though the government and the church should be separate matters and power.

I hate how the church of this nation preaches morality, when the priests are big perverts and pedophiles and most of them have families or children on the side.

They preach and preach with words and not action.
Just empty words as usual.

They even tried to excommunicate our President for approving the RH Law.

With the problem of overpopulation rampant and the deaths of pregnant mothers innumerable, they preach yet again. Unyielding and preaching only about things that were a fact 100 or 1000 years ago.

Back to my sexual needs...

I can't even imagine how people get their partners!
I see ugly people happily walking with someone in the streets.

I hear fatties talk about their lovers.

Considering how I'm normal, I ask myself, "what the fuck is wrong with me?!"

"Why won't anyone choose me?!"

Fuck!
I'm so horny!
I want to lose my virginity asap!

If this was a country somewhere in America, I can do it in a blink of the eye!
But no...this is the fucking country of the Philippines!

Or rather, I don't have the underground workings or knowledge or the right connections to get laid.

*sigh*

What does a dick taste like?
What does it feel to have cum inside of me?
Questions that I fear will remain as such, questions.

Maybe I wasn't meant to procreate so as to avoid another psychopathic lunatic like me in this world.

Or its just that money is everything that would even buy me all the happiness I will want (?).