Day343 Year2016

Mood:  Suicidal, depressed
Time:  1820hrs


Suicidal.
I dont think I've been this depressed before.
Eating non-stop at times or not eating at all.
I've skipped taking baths for 2-3 days onwards.
I'm even developing some dandruff. I dont have dandruff, EVER!

At one time during my birthday, I've seriously considered killing myself.
Sad that even though I know where my father's gun is, the magazine is not there and there's no bullets to be found. I've notified my parents of my intent to die but whenever I do tell them they don't care. How annoying that they are cautious at that point.

I wanna kill myself so bad.
I always keep a shiny, pointy knife beside my bed.
Planning on drinking pain relievers then stabbing myself in the heart.
The only problem is hesitation.
The pain will be much worse with hesitation.
You get hurt by hesitating.
I should do it when I've decided. Unhesitant. And sure.
Christmas is around the corner.
Father is growing old.
I'm still single and fat and alone.
No one cares about me.
I guess they'd care if I died.

No one cares about you until you become the topic of someone's gossip.
Why is it that people care more and appreciate you more when you're dead rather than when you were alive?
They compile regrets. Adding more and blaming themselves more after you're gone.
But i guess I'm not one to talk considering how much of a coward I am.
I have people I want to see.
People I wanna talk to.
People I wanna say thank you or hug more.
But I can't.
But at times when I have the courage, I do.
Not like them who care for themselves.
I care about the people around me more than I know they do about me.

How annoying life is....
No matter what I did, no matter how kind I become, life always gives me misery and pain.
I'm unlucky.
Useless. Empty.

Inside I'm empty.
How annoying.
I wanna die.
Thinking of how or when.
Right now would be good.
Maybe later in my sleep.
I got hold of 2 tablets of Risperidone.
I doubt it will do much to me since its not my medication but i dunno....
I'll take one in my sleep.
What will happen i wonder?
Will it give me more sleep or awaken me?
I dont know.

I just want to die.
Want to die.
Want to die.
want to die..........


God, if you won't give me relief in life, give me relief in death......
Im tired of this shit

Day283 Year2016

Mood:  Meh...
Time:  1355hrs


Too many things happening and at the same time none at all...
Last week, father's boss died. We just visited him on Sunday night on October 2nd at the hospital. He was old and frail and had suffered many complications. He was like a second father to my dad. He was a good person despite his nationality.

After Sunday, the next day he died. It was Monday noon time. Due to complications brought by fluids in his lungs. The day I saw him last, he was being transfused with blood. At the time, I had a feeling that that was the last time we'd saw him. I wanted them to have a commemorational picture but I was too shy to ask that of them. I regret that moment that will never be brought back. Therefore, I have promised myself to burn that moment in my memory as much as I could even though I new that moments like those burn fast in my mind.

We visited his wake on Tuesday night. We came back Thursday night again where a eulogy by his relatives ensued. It was a wonderful wake held in a luxurious funeral home known in our country. And on Friday last week, he was buried. Then did I learned that he was supposed to celebrate his birthday this coming Saturday. How unfortunate. Even so, he lived loving people and being kind and people loved him back. I hope he rests in peace.

I, on the other hand, am back to square one.
Longing, daydreaming and doing nothing here in the house.
So bored.
So annoyed.
So angry at the world and myself.
No matter how hard I try to find work, I can't.
It's been a year from now since I last had a job.
I don't know where my badluck emanates from.
Its just I have such bad luck searching for what I want.
I think I'll die like this.
Doing nothing and being no one of importance or worth.
I would just fade into everyone's mind as a distant memory. Someone not worth recollecting.
A vague shadow in the corner of their bright lives.
They are moving forward. Making babies and creating families of their own.
While here I am, getting old and fat, having no one to take care of when my parents die.
Therefore before and if that happens, I have made myself up to kill myself at that time.
How or when I won't know.
My life is useless anyway.
No one cares about someone like me.
Before I get hurt more, before I hurt others, its better to die by my hands.
Heaven or Hell.....life as of now is inferno.

Day75 Year2016

Mood:  Depressed
Time:   1206hrs


After some time of guessing which is my password out of the 3 or 4 major passwords I use in creating accounts, I've finally hit jackpot.

You do not know, but my computer's hard drive got damaged and it took 2weeks before I could send it for repairs. Which then took 3-4 days to be analyzed and repaired. So hard drive is destroyed/corrupted. All my files which I haven't backed up deleted. And my accounts which I save on my browser and passwords are history.

I have a storage in my brain and thankfully its still functioning.
Now I just lament at the fact that all my manga collection which I've rarely backed up is gone. The manga which I gathered 3years. The music collection, my pictures, my family photos, my important documents that I scanned. All destroyed.

Yes. Fuck.
That's what I said when my computer didn't open its windows. I prayed that the files are still intact, but LO! Praying did nothing and God did nothing of sorts. Yes. Fuck God as always.

I have a short term memory.
I forget the bad things and good things along with it almost instantly.
Its a sort of defense mechanism of my psychological and mental mind.
So that I won't get hurt anymore than I did.
I didn't post most of the pictures on facebook considering one of my family members is a wanted fugitive of the IR.So all those pictures that my family member is included is stored on the files of my previous hard drive/disk....well fuck....I've given up on life so with the occurance of such tragedy its only a matter of time before I walk out of this house and get myself killed or take my own life somewhere in a ditch out there.....

Getting tired of this life shit, you know?
Well, if you'd have only happy days, you wouldn't know, would you?
I know every one of us had our fair shares of trials and betrayals and regrets and such, but most people out there had "someone" they can rely on. That someone that will bear the pain with them. Those who will listen to them. But I, on the other hand, don't have those "someone".
All I do is bear my problems on my own, listen to my rants on my own, and get ignored and used by people who call themselves my "friend".
So yeah, you wouldn't know.

Anyway, I don't laugh as much.
All I do is whine and regret.
And wallow in self-pity and anger and depression......
Its my life, if you could call it that.
So understand my wish of killing myself.....
And that I be forgiven someday if I do succeed...

Day17 Year2016

Mood:    Downhearted
Time:  1525hours



For some reason, I've been having bad dreams only.
Its returned.
Bad dreams. Scary dreams.
But I'm used to it.

Last night I had a dream.
It was so realistic.
I like those kind of dreams.

This dream started somewhat with a woman.
She was hurt. A gush or wound on the stomach.
She's holding on to her stomach area.
She's dying. She's waiting for something. Someone maybe?
Someone is looking for her.
She's dead.
This one woman is looking for her frantically.
She's screaming.
She's like a detective or something.
SHe's looking for the wounded woman.
She/they find her. Dead.
She wails at the girl's death.
Then we point to the detective woman.
She's looking for the wounded one.
Scenes flicker here and there.
On a train.
The dead woman lies underneath a bridge or something.
Or like under a metallic ladder.
As the story progressed, it seems the wounded woman wasn;t alone.
They were kidnapped by terrorists or something. A group of them.
They died. They were found in some harbour or something. Dead. Poisoned.
There were two who weren't accounted for.
The wounded woman and another girl.
The detective goes here and there and looks for here. Scenes change.
Then she finds her dead.
She wails. She says that the wounded woman was kept as a sex-slave.
Raped for 5days. Tortured on a regular basis.
She cries. The detective woman was my ego. She is crying. Crying. Crying.....
Its so painful.
I can't see what happened to the woman in a more detailed image but all i could see was a dead woman lying down on the ground with the detective crying over her demise.
So sad. So sad. It was so sad.
Physically I wasn't crying but mentally I was.
So sad.

My life is so sad right now.
I want to die.
There is no meaning for me to live on.
But I can't.
I don't have the courage to take my own life.
Everyday life goes on. The same.
My world is getting smaller.
Noises annoy me.
I turn to a freaking paranoid.
I panic.
I have panic attacks.
My chest tightens and I can't breathe.
I wondered when it started that I've come to hate music.
Noise. SOunds. Utters. Tremors. Trembles.
They make me panic.
I want to run but i have nowhere to go.

I am awake but i am dreaming.
I fear the night.
My neighbors become noise monsters at night.
I hate it but I can't do anything.

Nothing goes right everyday.
I am dead.
I want to bury myself somewhere cool and quiet.
I want death.
But death doesn't want me.
NOr do the angels guide me or the devil want to make a contract with me.
His usual fervent contact with me in the past is nowhere to be found now.
Oh God, oh demon, kill me.
I can no longer function normally.
I am broken.
Completely broken.