Day178 Year2013

Mood: Despair (Blasphemous)
Time: 1135hrs


God doesn't help people.
PEOPLE help people.

God doesn't save lives.
Its PEOPLE who save people's lives.

I've gradually come to this conclusion lately.
No matter how often you pray for something, you won't attain it if you don't do your best.
You can't have money if you don't work.
You can't have things if you don't work.

God doesn't help you with anything if you don't give out your best to achieve something.
If you study, you'll get good grades.
No amount of prayer would give you the results without handing some effort on your part.
Praying is worthless.
It doesn't give anything besides false hopes.

Yes. I know it quite well.
How many times have I followed useless rituals that others say would ensure a passing grade?
How many hours have I spent praying for some God that won't even answer back?
It's in faith. Its something unseen.
Its something that's felt that we are given such blessings.
Why should a person be thankful for having things that he worked so hard to have?
If you have time to pray, use that time to do something productive instead.
How many people are living in this country thinking that with enough church hours they could be given salvation from this cruel world?

Yes, I know.
It might seem blasphemous to the religious.
But being a Catholic is something that was forced on the many.
In this place where we are baptized in our birth, made to undergo a ritual and forced to follow a teaching that we had no idea what it was about.

Do that. Make that. Be that.
Rules are implemented without even knowing the reason behind them.
I didn't ask to be your follower.
So those rules shouldn't apply to me.
They limit people based on their beliefs only for the benefit of the few.
Its maddeningly outrageous.
Who decided that? You?
Why? Why should I follow it?
I won't have any benefit from it at all.
Its pointless. Its worthless!

"Thou shall not kill."
"Thou shall not steal."
"Love thy neighbor as you love thineselves."
Why should I do such things?

Should I love my trecherous neighbor?
Should I not steal back my stolen goods?
Should I not murder my father's murderer?
Should I be kind and love them all?

And all the while, all you can scare me with is my soul will burn in Hell??
What the fuck- I'm already in HELL!!
This kind of living is hellish.
Whatever things I do, no matter little, will earn me a ticket to hell.
The teachings of the church is screwed up.
Its so fucked up, its hilarious!
Even the priests that sermon about it are demons in disguise.
This country is fucked up.
So much that the more you a person goes to church, the more evil they truly are.
How stupid is that?
Thinking that with a few words of repentance and a simple "Holy Mary", could save their soul.

They really know how to manipulate others, don't they?
This so-called "HOLY CHURCH", that is so much screwed up inside.
Trying to run the world with a saint's face carrying a demon's heart all the while.
Yes, its totally -effng annoying.
This so called [ GOD ] and the people that spread his name and so-called TEACHINGS.

Day175 Year2013

Mood: Melancholy
Time: 1705hrs


Been feeling nostalgic lately.
I've rummaged past photo albums and I think in mental progress, I haven't passed the state of childhood as of yet. I'm still dreaming and yelling and throwing tantrums at how the world isn't kind or why things won't go my way. Even though others before me have endured and sacrificed to the standard of life and living they are enjoying now. Yes, all I do is whine about how I'm not blessed with material wealth when I don't go even bother working to get it. All I see is other people and not weigh my own. How pitiful being a child inside is. Despite having an adult's body, I still see my self as powerless and limit myself from the possibilities there are in this life.

I've started thinking this way.
After being in the dumps for so long, I think its about time to wake up and realize my true potential by battling out life head on. I'm always blaming others for my mistakes. Its because I'm alone and lonely that I feel helpless and left out. That I grow scared of going out and facing the world of grown-ups. Its hard having a child's way of thinking while being tossed to the real world. More so, since its been so long that I've come to get in term with such realization.

Looking around, I visited an acquaintance's page.
He's been dead for more than 40 days or so, but his memories still live on the people he's interacted with. If you know his page, you'd notice the countless posts of people with stories and pictures and you'd think he's still alive. I realized then how I'm living. What my page would look like when I'm dead. No one would bother cause I never really got to know that much people in my life. I never did that much things while I was alive. I won't be remembered for a long time even if I died. "How pitiful my life was," will be what others would see. I'm always lamenting life even before I've lived it. Always looking down instead of looking up.

I don't want such a scenery.
Even if I was who I am, I don't want to think that I lived my life in such a worthless way or spent the precious moments I had doing nothing. I don't want that. And yet, I am still powerless. Still shackled by my past and my weakness. I really should stop that. That kind of thinking. Even if everyone around looked down on me, I want to live life day-to-day with a smile on my face knowing that I enjoyed it without regrets.

I'm getting old.
Way past the limit I've set myself on.
Time won't wait for me to be ready. I should be ready even when I'm not. That's what I want and what I wish for right now. Since there's no one around I can rely on, I need only rely on myself. Yes. Just like I've always done. So please, if you exist, give me your blessing and help me get a job that I can work to.

Day174 Year2013B

Time: 1903hrs
Mood: Horrible, Betrayed



All I wanted was to live a quiet life.
Somewhere surrounded by greenery. Flowers. Trees.
Somewhere no human could disturb me.
Surrounded by animals and pets.
A peaceful life is what I want.
Where I could rest on the grass and look at the sky.
Where I can smell the air and cool off while dreaming.
I just wanted that place.
Even if I were alone.
By then, I won't feel the cold loneliness.
I won't hear the cruel lies.
I won't put up fake smiles.
Where I can be me without anyone's stares.
I wanted a place like that....
...from the bottom of my heart.
Truly.

And yet, reality is cruel.
It gives me cruel friends for companions.
It makes me enemies without a reason.
It turns life into HELL without asking for my opinion.

I hate it.
I don't want to hate, but I can't help it.
I love them but instead they betray that trust and that feeling.
My feelings were pure.
I just wanted people to stay by my side.
And yet they toss me aside.
They leave me alone.
They always do.

I want to kill myself.
That part that is kind and gentle.
It doesn't belong in this cruel,cruel world.
It would only make me a stepping stone for greedy individuals.
I have talents. I have strengths.
And yet I chose to use it for trash like them that doesn't even know how to appreciate me for me.

I want to die.
How can that "me" die?
I want to break.
This kind of false mask that is quietly hiding behind my smiles.

Kindness is weakness.
It makes people think that they can do what they like with you and expect you to smile despite that.
It makes even those truly weak individuals to think they can take you.
How pathetic.
Just because I have these lingering feelings.
Just because I don't want others to feel the kind of emotions I felt and still do.
Just because I didn't want to return to that darkness from before.
Without realizing that I'm still in the same kind of pit I was then.

How many people have I cried out for help?
How many times have I reopened my scars so that they may know this pain?
No one replied to my pleas.
No one looked back even though I fell in the dumps.
No one.
Not friends, not parents, not siblings, not relatives.
Not even a being called [ GOD ] came to comfort me.
No one noticed my pains.

I was alone as I was then.
I thought having friends would take the pain away.
I thought knowing love and falling in love would make me happy.
But no one felt my kind of love.
No one showed me kindness.
No one gave me happiness.
I only knew pain.
Even though I hated it so much.
It was the only thing that was presented to me in this life.
The pain of being alone and the pain of loneliness.
The pain of being left behind.
The pain of longing for warmth.
The pain of loving without being loved.
The pain of smiling despite being deeply scared.
The pain of not knowing why I was born.
And the pain of continually suffering in a life without meaning.

My wishes were simple.
It could be possible to grant.
For people to love and loved in return.
For them to stay by my side and not leave me.
To feel kindness in return.
To see a smile when I smile.
For them not to forget.
And to be appreciated.

They were simple wishes. Prayers if you want to call it that.
They could be granted easily.
They were free.
But....
....there's always a "but" in the end.

I want to give up now.

I think when I get a break from this current living condition and acquire a job, I can give up on these feelings.
I can throw away this kind of past and never let it repeat again.
My wish is the same as everyone else's.
I only wish for happiness.
And for that, I can throw away everything for a bright future.
What's to fear?
I have been alone all my life.
I made it so I can do everything on my own without relying on other people's help.
I'll be fine.

When that happens, you'll know.
I'll tell you my secret.
Because after that, I'll throw you away as you are part of the past I won't need.

Day 174 Year2013A

Time: 0040hrs

Mood: Sleepy, confused

Its night time.
Or to be exact, its early morning.
I'm awake since I don't want to sleep yet, although my body says otherwise.
I want to read some more. Something sweet to make me get through the sleeping phase.
To put it simply, so that I won't dream of bad things.

Last night, yes, about yesterday when I slept, I dreamt of something weird again.
It has a story so I made it through my sleep.
I don't remember the beginning, but just parts or it. Fragments, as you might say.
And in these fragments, a certain part took main theme.

[ AZALEA ]

As much as I like that word, it was a flower that got my attention in my dream.
I saw a flower being sold in the side. I was with someone running away from something.
I saw an azalea flower (but turned out not) because I kept saying it WAS Azalea, or someone is instilling that it is. Anyway, it was a blue flower, taking form more like a Chrysanthemum rather than the real azalea. I took it and got a petal. It was hard and full and I ate it. It seems that I was running around in search of a cure for some poison and then perchance someone said to take AZALEA petals and eat it.

Moving on, I was very much into language of flowers since reading about it in the past and looked it up. The flower AZALEA had a meaning "please take care of yourself" and it struck me as someone wishing for my well-being. As someone theorized (read somewhere) that we are all connected and the reception becomes clear during our sleeping phase. And now I'm stuck wondering if there is a possibility that someone, somewhere, is wishing for me from the bottom of their hearts, or some deceased family member wishing that I live my life better....hmm...

Again, I saw a picture of a blue chrysanthemum and it looked so much like the one in my dream and saw that chrysanthemums signify "the light in the darkness", though I doubt about the color significance since in roses blue rose is an unattainable love or hopeless love. Again, remembering something in the past, I looked up an anime title and found the flower ASTER more looking of that in the dream. And in the language of flowers it meant "always thinking of you". So either way, someone, somewhere really IS thinking of my well-fare....hmmm....

Also, I need to take down notes for my dreams.
I tend to repress them and my body won't listen.
I can remember only bits but not fully.
Damn.

Day171 Year2013

Time: 1004hrs
Mood: Clinically Depressed


Hindi ako bagay na tinatapon pag di kailangan o laruan na tinatabi sa kung saan. Hindi ako manikang paglalaruan at pinapagalaw sa anumang kagustuhan.

Hindi ako pusang dadamputin at aampunin, pag namatay magkukupkop muli. Tao akong hindi perpekto. Madaming kakulangan at ang isip ay magulo. Pero un ay dahil TAO ako. Isang COMPLEX na nilalang dahil evolved na ang utak ko.

I need love, affection, warmth and kindness. Not only the basic needs.
I need strength and courage.
I need people to fill the void, not expand it.

So if you think you can't do that but just sucks up to me when you need someone like me, then get out of my life. I have no need for you.

Damn this kind soul. Damn this weak mind.
Damn this forgiving nature.
I need to kill this part of me somehow....

Day162 Year2013

Mood: still dead inside
Time: 2001hrs


I hate change.
Or rather, I fear it.
You never know what you turn into or if you'd like it in the end.

But even if I don't want to, we change. Gradually, little-by-little, people do.
We age.
No one can run away from the natural flow of time.

Day 161 Year2013

Mood: Dead inside
Time: 1310hrs



I am clinically dead deep inside. I don't feel anything. Hiding here in my fort thinking it would give me peace and comfort. Days become weeks. Weeks become months. Before long, I soon realized that its been a few months since I've done anything fruitful or worthwhile in my life. I am a walking dead. Someone whose spirit has left yet body remains and continues to live. My heart is dead. Something so inevitable and so human.