Saturday, April 27, 2013

Day117 Year2013

Time: 1805hrs
Mood: Brooding



I have no drive for anything. I don't want to do anything.
Projects keep on piling up and I have yet to move or finish something.
I am waiting.
For that fiery heat that would make my soul shiver in happiness.
The wonderful feeling of chasing something because you know in your heart that it would lead somewhere.
That sensation that there is something better to do that would amount to something after.

But it is gone.
For the time being, it does not exist.
So I stay where I am.
Lost. Alone.
Yet again.

As I see it, the world around me continues to revolve.
People go on with their lives and do as they please.
And yet here I am, being reserved, thinking I don't deserve what others have.
I am limited by my negativity.
I shy away from what should be everyone else's because I'm not confident enough to even have it in the first place.

All I can do is retire to my bed and dream where I can have what I want and do what I want without anyone else's prejudices. There I can move things by my will. I can control the things I can't. I can be who I want.

The world does not care if I stop in the middle.
It will not notice me.
It will not care what I do.
It will not change for me.

Then the world should not involve me.
I don't care if the world does as it does.
But it has rules and customs that I am forced to obliged.
And that's what I hate most.
Something that shouldn't concern me involves me.
Just because I live in it.
How stupid.
I can't even live my life as I please in this so-called "REALITY".
You just end up going with the flow.

I hate it so, so, so, much.
So much that I want to sleep inside my room and live inside my dreams forever.
In this cold, cruel world, I'd rather dream my life away.....


Monday, April 22, 2013

Tarot Reading

Your Tarot reading consists of a spread of ten cards. Below are the cards and a description of their symbolism. Think about the descriptions and determine whether they offer some insights about your personal situation.


c74 Ten of Pentacles
The Ten of Pentacles stands for the ultimate in worldly and material success. An aura of prosperity surrounds you. Wealth and affluence are yours.
When we achieve material success, we naturally want it to last. This is the conservative, Establishment side of the Ten of Pentacles. Why rock the boat when life is fine just the way it is? This card often stands for convention - following established guidelines and maintaining the status quo. Fat cats are rarely radicals; they love tradition and the tried-and-true. Sometimes it is important to trust the known ways, but only when change is inadvisable.
The Ten of Pentacles is also concerned with permanence. Change is an unavoidable part of life, but constant change is uncomfortable. We need stability and the chance to work for a secure foundation in life. This card may be telling you to concentrate on the long-term. Work toward a lasting solution. Now may be the time to settle down and make the arrangements that will work for you far into the future.

c27 Five of Wands
The Five of Wands represents disorganization and chaos. Something is not the way it is supposed to be. Get some insights about what needs to be done by organizing a closet, a desk, or kitchen utensils. Can you help someone who needs to put things in order?
Don't litter. Do not throw things out of your car window. Dispose of trash properly.

c43 Seven of Cups
Look around the room right now and pay attention to what is out of place. Sometimes, we should take a break and not react to our environment. Letting everything go is what the Seven of Cups is all about.
It is easy to worship the gods of efficiency and neatness. We like trim lawns, alphabetized filing systems and time management - the world of the Emperor. We admire order in all its forms and want everything to be just right. The Seven of Cups provides the balance. This card stands for all that is sloppy, impractical and lax.
Look carefully at how disordered your situation is. Is everything too controlled and regular? Perhaps you need to let things fall apart a little. When a rigid system breaks up, there can be a tremendous release of creativity.
On the other hand, if you are in a chaotic situation, some tightening may be necessary. No one is happy and productive in a crazy environment. Regularity gives structure to life. Taken to an extreme, the looseness of the Seven of Cups can lead to harmful patterns of decadence, addiction and self-indulgence.
Sometimes the laziness applies to your thoughts and dreams. It is easy to wish for something, but not so easy to make that wish come true. When you see this card, make sure that you are backing up your plans with work and effort. Tighten up your life and commit yourself to doing what it takes to reach your goals ... even if it means cleaning house.

c11 Wheel of Fortune
The Wheel of Fortune represents unexpected encounters and twists of fate. We can never be certain when calamities or good fortune will cross our path. Sometimes we recognize that we could have avoided a misfortune, but too late to prevent it. Similarly, we chastise ourselves for not having had the foresight to make an investment that would have changed our life dramatically or for missing opportunities that in retrospect seem obvious.
Good luck is preparation plus opportunity. We have to understand what we want and when the opportunity comes our way, we have to take advantage of it.
Do not gamble your money away. Spending more than a few Dollars per week on lotteries, bingo and other kind of gambling has a greater chance of making you poor than of making you rich. Clearly, if you never play the lottery you are never going to win, but you could play all your life and still never win.
Don't overlook a reliable way to make a fortune: Invest in tax-deferred savings plans as much as you can. Pay off high-interest debt. Live within your means.

c72 Eight of Pentacles
The Eight of Pentacles implies a time of great diligence and focus. It advises you to take care of business, whether a work project, family difficulty, personal goal or unpleasant duty. Sometimes blessings fall into our laps to be enjoyed. Other times we must put out great effort to obtain them. The Eight of Pentacles represents moments when you need to exert extra effort. This kind of work is invigorating and leads to superb results. The labor of the Eight of Pentacles is deeply satisfying and productive.
The Eight of Pentacles can also symbolize the impulse to learn and to broaden horizons. Sometimes we need to develop new skills. We do research, dig out facts or search for expertise. The Hermit is looking for inner knowledge. You too must seek knowledge and try to understand the material world.
This card can also show the need for meticulous attention. People who are painstaking are often dismissed as nit-pickers, but their extra effort ensures everything is as it should be. It's a matter of caring - taking the time to check the little details. Now is not the time to be slipshod or casual. Look for errors, and tie up loose ends. The key to success is an extraordinary effort. Whatever your task, the Eight of Pentacles tells you to give it your all in every way.

c77 Queen of Pentacles
The personality of the Queen of Pentacles combines the positive earth energy of the Pentacles suit with the inward focus of a Queen. If you were to visit the Queen of Pentacles, the first thing she would say is, "Come in, come in. It's great to see you. Have a bowl of soup!" No one is more welcoming and nurturing than she. Her greatest pleasure is to care for others - making sure they are happy and secure. Her home is always overflowing with children, pets, plants and footloose friends. She is warm and generous to all. In day-to-day matters, she is sensible and practical. She doesn't have a lot of time for elaborate plans and other craziness. If something needs doing, she just takes care of it without a lot of fuss and bother. If necessary, she makes do with little and always comes through in a pinch. There is a down-to-earth, matter-of-factness about her. She is always loyal and steadfast. Because she is trusting by nature, others trust her completely. When you are hurting or in need, the Queen of Pentacles will calm your fears and share your troubles.
The Queen of Pentacles asks you to think and feel as she does. For example: Are you feeling warm and caring toward others? Are you being sensible? Have you been true to your word? Do you feel generous? Can you be counted on when times are tough? This Queen can also represent a man or woman who is like her, or an atmosphere of warmth, trust and security.

c21 Judgement
Judgement symbolizes evaluation. It is time to look at your life and decide whether you are doing what you would like to be doing. Are you satisfied with your life? If you are not happy with your job or with your relationships, think about what you need to do to change your life.
This card also reminds us about legal proceedings. Are your affairs in order? Are your debts paid? Have you met your commitments? Have you been fair to those around you? Have you been honest? Make sure that you meet all your pending obligations.

c52 Two of Swords
The Two of Swords represents the barriers we put up between ourselves and others as well as the barriers that we create for ourselves. Internally, we block off emotions and refuse to feel them. We avoid looking at the truth and pretend that everything's OK. We think one way, but feel another. In countless ways, we divide off parts of ourselves and try to maintain them even when we know they need to be reconciled.
The Two of Swords often appears when you are not willing to accept some truth about yourself or the situation. What are you really feeling? Are you resisting tender feelings because you might be hurt? Are you furious even though you're smiling? What are you refusing to look at? With blinfolds you can't look at the truth or even acknowledge that there is trouble.
The most common barrier is a closed heart. When we cut ourselves off emotionally, we sever the connection that allows our love to flow outward. Sometimes this action is necessary, but it always comes at a great price. Every time we close off our heart, we find it more difficult to open again. Another barrier between people is a deadlocked situation. When two parties are set in their positions - cut off from each other - there is a stalemate. To break it, the "opponents" must come out from behind their swords and listen to each other. The lesson of the Two of Swords is that barriers are not the answer. We must stay open if we are to find peace and wholeness.

c23 Ace of Wands
The Ace of Wands is a symbol of creativity, excitement, adventure, courage and personal power. Examine your creative ideas and the need to act boldly.
Determine how your confidence can work for you. Expand your limits. Be initiative. Be original. Explore your creative potential.

c7 Lovers
The Lovers represent love and sex. The purpose of life is procreation because without procreation there would be no life. However, there are so many people in the world that you as an individual do not have to worry about perpetuating the human race. You can aspire toward relationships where friendship and mutual trust are the foundation of love. Above all, be responsible and truthful. Say what you mean and do what you say. It is better to express your doubts about a relationship than to suppress your feelings. Any relationship built on false hopes eventually crumbles.

If you are thinking about having sex make sure that you understand what you are getting into. What do you know about birth control and sexually transmitted diseases?

What would you do if you got pregnant?

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Day100 Year2013

Time: 1702hrs
Mood: Tired




Last night, or rather, early in the morning, I had a dream. It was a scary dream. I was frightened. That for sure. But because it was exactly like that that I forced myself to forget. I woke up around 2 in the morning. I was so scared that I didn't want to remember anything related to it. Using the words "forget" and "don't remember", I was able to fall asleep again. I don't know what it is. I usually get dreams of death, blood and gore that I have grown accustomed to such sights,but to make myself forcefully forget something means it was something I won't be able to accept or carry.


Something frightful that I wished it gone instantly in my head.....
.....what could it be, I wonder?

Even so, the proceeding scenes of that night/day weren't exactly as delightful as it might seem. It's like I've said, I merely grew accustomed to such horrific sights that it is no longer petrifying as others may think. Nonetheless, this fragment of memory that I've thrown away is making a scenery and won't leave me. Knowingly setting aside a bitter image makes me wonder profusely. What could it be? And at the same time hoping deep inside that I won't remember.

Is it for the better to forget or to remember?
A question I've already heard in telenovelas and movies when someone gets amnesia.
Was it for the best interest that such a part was thrown away from that person's mind? Or was it something that the person would come to regret, seeing as how he can't have what was supposed to be his?
A memory.

No matter if it be a bitter past or a happy present, the person that lost it can't help but feel incomplete, knowing that something a part of him especially is missing. Because no matter what that memory may be, it is still what makes him the current "him".

Was it for the best? For me to forget what that could be?
Or will I regret eventually?
If it was something that I threw away immediately.
If it was something that I thought would be dangerous or frightening to me.
Then maybe I should just dig deeper in the realm of my mind and bury the thing completely.

I hope I won't remember.
If it was something that scared me, I hope I won't remember.
A scenery that would make me lose my sanity.......


Sunday, April 7, 2013

Day97 Year2013

Time: 2056hrs
Mood: Sickly



Broad shoulders.
Wide arms.
Warmth.

A warmth I've never known.
And will never have.

Words spun in the midst of a tryst.
Would seem like lies to me.
But there is none to meet with.
Since there's no one to see.
And no one to speak of such things.
No special words for me.

Life is lonely for me.
I live for the sake of existing, and not living.
Love is foreign to me.
Since there's no one waiting out there in the world for someone such as I.

Words that are easily spoken.
Gestures of some men.
The hidden message behind their gaze.
Something I'll never know.
The meaning behind their simple words.
The kind of quip they mention but not intending to say straight.
Leaves me questioning for the meaning.
But I'll never know.
I'll never know.
Unless someone tells me otherwise.
In which none would care to tell.
Sadly. None at all.

I have the face. I have the smile. I have the attitude. Or whatever it is.
I have these things but none would approach me instantly.
I could feel their gazes brought down upon me. Observing and learning me.
But none would bother to talk to me.
I don't have the courage to speak my mind instantly.
I weigh and analyze my actions and move upon the best options.
I try to be what others would want.
To be appreciated. To be kind. To be nice and friendly.
But none would stay by me.
None would seem to care.

I'm always abused. Used. Stepped on. Taken advantage of.
I'm always someone that others can rely but not forever.
I feel lonely. Unhappy. Desolate and despaired.
No one understands me.
And no one accepts me wholeheartedly.

Why?
I wonder why?
Why won't they?

Men.
I don't understand you.
You speak as if you can like a girl based on their attitude.
But in reality what you seek is one with the proportion.
The body.
The face.
Screw funny.
What you want is to screw someone with the hourglass curves.
The one with a robust bust.
All you do is lie.
And I fall for those lies.

Men. Women.
I can never understand them.
Just when I thought I can hold grasp of their gestures and their words, it slips away.
Because every one is a LIAR at heart.
You can never get what you want.
You have to use someone.
Manipulate someone.
I can never trust mankind.
I have lost faith in them.
Men. Women. Adult. Children.
I've grown to HATE them.

Because no one loves me then I can never love anyone as well.
Because no one can see me, I don't bother to see the real them.
Because all I get is coldness. There's no point to give warmth.
I hate things because no one taught me how to love.