Day337 Year2013

Mood: Dejected
Time: 2357hrs



Just finished watching this polish Movie titled "Suicide Room" and I wanna share some lines from the movie:

Actually, I don't understand people who kill themselves.
One's got to have courage to live. They are just cowards.
Narcissistic egoists who think the world revolves around them.
How can you give away the most precious gift you have?
How could you do it to yourself and your loved ones?
I don't understand that.
I don't want to.

You live to give to others as much as you can.

~Dominik, Suicide Room

Truth is (some spoilers), Dominik really didn't want to die.
If it weren't for his new found friend/love Sylvia, he wouldn't have the courage to get to school that time and flaunt his uniqueness around the people who mock him. They were just both lonely in their own way but even so, Dominik was much more full of life than Sylvia. I blame her for his death. Really, I do!

But even so, I understand.
I, too, am a shut-in.
I share Sylvia's pains and the real world scares me.
Even then, I have not given up on living reality.
I am sensitive, moreso than the normal person.
We both share a kindred heart.
And the same is true between her & Dominik and that is why they were attracted to each other.

Also, to rebuff his statements, here are some of mine:

Actually, I don't understand people who kill themselves.
[ You never will unless you have felt the same kind of pain we have.]
One's got to have courage to live. They are just cowards.
[If you were born into a world where the people around you treat you like you were never supposed to be born, I think you'll also want to kill yourself. And yes, we are cowards. Running away from the world and all the reality bullshit it entails. But have you thought how much "courage" it also takes to end one's life?]
Narcissistic egoists who think the world revolves around them.
[A bit, maybe. Cause all we can see is our pain. Cause we're bleeding. Inside.]
How can you give away the most precious gift you have?
[Because we never treated it like that. I thought you knew how selfish we are?]
How could you do it to yourself and your loved ones?
[If you really love them, you'd want to end their suffering as much as you do. So...
And I love myself enough to know how much I'm in pain so I need to end it.]
I don't understand that.
I don't want to.
[There you go! And you never will!]

I just don't like how that B*tch forcibly dragged Dominik in a corner.
If it were him, he had a much more fighting chance at life if only she said more encouraging words.
He was afraid, like she said. Afraid of the people he considered "friends" that have betrayed and hurt him deeply. He was looking for a guiding hand to point him in the right direction.

And this is why, people, you should CHOOSE your friends WISELY!

Coz crap like that ends up to the goodies that don't know shit!


Setting the movie aside, its been so long since I've jotted down anything, hasn't it?
I'm still living my life as a shut-in in this 4-walled room of ours (sharing it with sibling).
I've been in this house 24hrs/day, 7days/wk for months now.
Not seeing the sunlight nor breathing the fresh air.
It's been so long since I've talked with the opposite sex or felt the warmth of a touch.
I've grown to hate this world more.
I've also learned to hate crowds and people.
They irritate me.

I wanted to run away.
To escape from this prison called "HOME".
But where to? How?
I have no car nor money to travel.
I am growing old and feeble in this world.
The friends I've come to know are leaving me.
One-by-one, they build their own lives and family.
Soon, they will make offsprings and a new generation of them.
While I remain growing old, and rotting away from their memory.

I am dying.
The person I once were and the person I currently am is being erased from the people I've encountered.
They are becoming more focused with their lives and happy while I rot away in misery.
I don't know what I want.
Or rather, I know but I cannot.
I don't have that much courage with me.
I needed them to tell me if the things I am doing is wrong or right.
I needed people by my side to guide me.
To listen to me.
To understand me.

But in all my years of searching, NONE appeared before me.

Click to watch the Suicide Room

Day307 Year2013

Time:  1807hrs
Mood:  Melancholic



I know.
After a wonderful and delightful day yesterday, I know I shouldn't mope and be bitter today. Even so, I am.
I just realized that after all these years, the people that I've looked down with my prideful spite are now being industrious and making a name for themselves. They are moving forward, doing the things not particularly that they like, but because they have to in order to live.

They are fortunate.
They have a vision.
A goal.
A dream they want to achieve.

I have no such things.
Neither do I have something I want to protect.
I only have my self.

I don't want that.
I don't want to live only for my sake.
Such selfish deeds are not like me.
My wish is more noble and more simple.
So simple that I thought it could be achieved.

Years pass by and I look into the pictures of my former classmates.
They have made families. Built houses. Work daily and live lively and cheerful lives.
They are not stuck in the past or rotting somewhere in a corner.
They are living and doing their best no matter what comes to them.

I, on the other hand, cannot.

I don't have my family's support.
I have no one's love behind my back.
I am alone now than before.

Why is that?

Yet, I still live.

Why is that?

I have (almost) dies countless times in the past.
Near-death (accidental) ones, but not completely dead.

Why is that?

Who and for what purpose am I being kept alive?

All I want was someone's words to tell me that its all right.
That I'm not alone.
That when the time comes that I fall, they would be there to help me stand again.
|Such certainty.
Such reassuring words.

Why have I not heard them in this lifetime?

And yet, I still continue to live.
Just because of my stubbornness to submit.

For what do I cling on to this life?

Why?

Interlude: Reminiscing the Past

Time: 0243hrs
Mood: Tranquil



Its morning.
The air is cold and the people all around are sleeping.
The music is shuffled and it plays a nostalgic tune.
Then I remember....
...my past.


As a child, I was mature for my age.
We lived in a simple and small house, surrounded by relatives on my father's side.
I usually conversed and hang out with the older people.
Its not as if there weren't children.
There were children among the neighbors, but we weren't that close.
They were more fond of my older sister and younger brother.
When I think about it, the children my age in par to me weren't available so I ended up being close to the adults or those older than me in some years.

I was a beastly child, according to the people that watched me grow.
I fought  (physically) other children; I quarreled with them and mostly bullied those younger than me.
My family used to tease me and call me "Demonyita" or Demon-girl, they said, but I have no recollection of such things. Maybe because of my piercing stare and the unwillingness to bow down to anyone.

Now that I think about it, I've never been good associating with other people.
I never fully understood the laws of this world.
There was always a feeling of something "surreal" about everything.
Like its not really happening.
Like its not really my body.

Ever since I was a child, I felt like everyday was a dream.
That even if certain things happen, they won't matter much.
I don't know.
That's how it felt to me.

The only tranquility I could attain, that I could ascertain was the feeling of being surrounded by trees.
Beneath the trees, under the gentle rays of the sun, with the wind blowing the skirt off of me. Or at least enough to sway my thick hair over my shoulders.

Even now, I long for that kind of solace.
That kind of peace.
If I can't understand people, then there is no need to associate with them.
I want to live a life far from them.
Without the need to ask for the reasons as to "why" someone is what they are.
Without the need to understand the unreasonable.
Without the constant feeling of rejection.
I want to break away from this kind of world where man is the boss of this world.

......

Looking back once more, the reason why I act childish in this current form of mine is because of those repressed emotions back then.
I was forced to act accordingly, maturely, without the proper guidance from a mother.
Mother was strict and somewhat lazy on us.
Early mornings around 4, we wake up in bleak dawn.
I loved the feeling of the cold air damping my face and freezing my cheeks.
We were in grade 2 or 3 and mother won't wake up.
We siblings cook our own meal; frying eggs with a frightened and shaking hand.
Bathing ourselves.
Packing our stuff.
And around 5-5:30, wait for the guy (whose always LATE) to pick us up.
Flag ceremonies were held around 6am. 7 am our class starts.
Our school time is 6-12nn/12nn-6pm.

I wasn't in good terms with most of my classmates either.
I hate them, to be frank.
There were snobby and feeling all high & mighty children.
There were childish and idiotic children.
And there were quiet, and being child-like children.
I was among them.
But I usually spend the moments arguing for their sake and protecting them.
*sigh*
It really is in my nature, deshou?

There wasn't anyone in the past that would protect me, you see.
So I had to be strong.
Be independent.
Be understanding.
Ever since I was little...

Even though I couldn't understand them fully.
Even though I couldn't fathom why they do what they do.
Because no one will do it, you see...
...that I decided to carry that responsibility.
...that kind of burden.

But I am now tired.
I want to throw away my humanity.
I don't want to understand anyone anymore.
No one understands me.
So why should " I " have to care?

Day283 Year2013

Mood: Reminiscing
Time: 1911hrs

I remember the first time I saw a man's face in love.
It was my transfer student classmate.
We were lining in our Physical Education class and everyone was noisy and busy chatting with their friends when I saw it.

I saw how fixed his eyes were on her and her every movement.
How his eyes seemed to sparkle as he stared at her.
It was quite an enigma.

What could he have seen in her that made him so?
That "bitch" was all-around awful.

Her face is plain.
Her hair is pulled up in nanny style.
And her fucking personality plainly SUCKs since she's a BULLY!
Yeah, her team of bitches gang up on me thinking they're THAT great!
Fuck you bitch!!

That's why it was such a marvel to me.
How could THAT kind of human, or rather female specimen have guys falling for her??
She's freaking nasty!
Whichever angle you look.
That's why when I found out that that kind of look was that of a guy in love,
I swore I'd throw up when I see that kind of reaction towards another girl again...

Who'd have thought it would be on ME?(0_0)!!

Yes, I know.
I've known it for quite some time, but I am kind of a klutz when it comes to these things.
Well, you can't blame me.
In the span of my years living, no MAN has come up to my face and confess their feelings for me, so how was I supposed to know that that would be it?

I knew.
I saw how they change their attitude whenever they see me.
Not to boast but I DO have a nice face.
Just not blessed with the curves.

I knew how they come up trying to win my attention.
How their tone of voice softens whenever they talk to me.
I knew.
I saw.
I just ignored it.

I watched this one series where the girl watched how her classmate (guy) thought to be linked to her fell in love with her friend (girl). She was, of course, happy from the bottom of her heart. She wondered how it would feel like to have someone fall in love at first sight and probably confess to her even.

But due to circumstances, her life changed.
Her views with regards to life and love changed.
She had no time for such mundane things like falling in love.
So when a guy confessed to her, she could not respond accordingly.

I, too, wondered like her.
As her eyes glistened in amazement of such encounters to happen; mine glistened too, and happily awaited for such moment.

But unfortunately, I too like her, froze.
It was the first time I saw such a thing up close.
I didn't even know he existed.
He was incognito to me.
And yet, when I saw that expression on his face, I knew.
That like my classmate, he too, felt something.
Hopefully, for me.

He didn't confess.
I could see the changes in him whenever I'm around.
I knew deep down the meaning behind them.
But to avoid disappointment, I didn't ask.
I don't want to say anything.
Not as long as I still bear HATRED towards myself can I continue to not love.

And because I expect something that I can't be the first to ask.
Or say anything.

Please someone, tell me you love me.
All I see in myself are hateful things.
If you don't point out the things there is to love within me, then I won't see.

Please, love me.
Please, someone...
...love me.

Until I can still bear to live with myself.
Until I can still hope.

Love me.
Love me.

Because I can't LOVE myself anymore...

Day253 Year2013

Mood:  Sleepy
Time:  2137hrs


It's night time.
I spend most of my hours connected through the internet as much as possible.
Mother has (tried) to detain us and despoil us of our only means of entertainment from this world.
The internet.

Can't blame her,though.
We HAVE overstayed our welcome from this world and we are expected to live adult lives.
Go outside.
Roam around.
Earn money.
Help with the family.
To put it simply, WORK!

It IS our fault in some way. We don't do our best and grovel for opportunities like a normal adult should be. We don't grab openings when there is one or even TRY. I think we were too sheltered from reality that now living the rest of the days inside a confined household is much better than going outside to "socialize" and be normal. We (siblings) were not normal from the start. Our kind of normal was the opposite from those around us. And because I don't want to be normal, that I chose to be the kind of abnormal human being I am now. Just much more depressed and suicidal.

I have tried to get a decent paying job.
But everywhere I go, its always BPO here, BPO there. Oh, BPO means Business Process Outsourcing or the famously Call Center line. Heck, I applied "frivolously" in the past. Even came to the point where I was handed some requirements and those LAST INTERVIEW, kind of shit. I didn't see it through to the end then and all I could come up as a reason was that I was still "studying". Yeah, I'm such an A**....

My point is, when I finished College, I immediately and hopefully looked for a job. I was so confident at my spoken and written English that I imagined myself getting hired after one application. So, imagine my disappointment when I heard from those fu*kng interviewers that the problem lies in my "ENGLISH". What the f*ck? Seriously??

So, yeah, I gave it some thought.
It was my first interview.
I was nervous.
Probably blabbered around about some shit or so.
And I applied again in some company.
And what now? You don't hire me because of my choice of Course in College??!
My spoken English was perfect. Great, even, and you disregard this fact in fear of dropping out of your company in just two years after working?!
What The F*ck!!?
Seriously?!
As if you think your current employees plan to stay there for even a year, you freak'g CUnT!
HONESTY my Fuc*ng ass...
Yes, you should avoid being TOO HONEST during interviews.
Those interviewers are too STUPID to recognize useful from useless with HONESTY in your character.

So, yeah.
Fu*k, people.
I've never been the same since.
Whether it was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity or such.
I disregarded those things right away.
Also, I HATE sleeping in the morning and awake in the evening.
It's too bright and hot to sleep during the day and its too fuc*ng boring to do any work during the night. Graveshift hours is the most FU*cKED up schedule E-V-E-R !!

So, yeah, I complain a lot.
But its not you people who will be working there.
It's not your time you'll be wasting.
It won't be your fake smile you'll be faking around other people.
Hell, do you even know how tiring it is to smile around shitty people that talks behind your back that you want to punch, kick or even slaughter but can't?!
Yeah. It won't be you.
So Shut the FucK up!

*cough*
*cough*

To continue, life is just a piece of shitty thing.
Even those horoscopes won't be much use as everyday becomes an UNLUCKY DAY.
I want to continue with my profession but can't.
These fucking hospitals even make you take up an EXAM and push an insane number of requirements, just so you can work there as a VOLUNTEER.
What the fuck is that?
You'll be toiling, get lectured, be cleaning people's shits up; with the probability of being spat in the face, bitten by an enraged Rabies patient, get stabbed by an infected needle, be sued for malpractice and high chance of getting your license revoked with the most minute error and for what? A certificate for EXPERIENCE without so much as a fucking pay.

Ha-Ha!

What a laugh...

So what?
You chose to confine yourself within the comforts of home, waiting for time to pass by and hoping someday you get killed accidentally since you're such a weak suicidal maniac that you can't even take your pitiful life?

Um, yeah.
That sounds about right.

So, yeah.
Don't bug me about work.
I won't say it out loud, but well, there you go.
Read all about it!

Day215 Year2013

Mood: Malaise
Time: 1836hrs



I've fallen.
To the depths of despair.

I'm lost.
And yet to be found.

I've watched the people around me.
Those that I've helped and supported no have left me.
I'm alone.
More so than before.
No one remembers me.
Like I never existed in the first place.

Then why, I wonder, was I born?
If there are people who's name is the same as mine.
If there are people who can do better than I.
Why, dear God, have I been brought up into this world?

I don't have what it takes to take up the problems of life.
I have no reason to live.
There is none who loves me.
No one cares about me.
No one appreciates me.

......

How ironic.
I smirk as I pause while typing.
My randomized playlist of music turns on the song by Katy Perry.
The song was Fireworks.

Dear God,
Is this your answer to my questions?
How laughable.
I know music has always been my source of comfort even before, but this...
..its just...
nothing.

I know.
All I do is rant and complain about how life is unfair and unkind.
I know there are others out there that is far worse condition than I am.
But still.
There were people around that helped them.
There was someone they could go to for help.
There were those that would try to understand them and hear them out.
In my case, there were few or none at all.

Because people are selfish.
Because this life is unkind.
Because it is as it is.
That living is a continuous pain and only those with power and money get to enjoy it.
I know.
I know very well the conditions a person has to have to live an ideal and peaceful life.
I know because I have none of the qualifications.
Because I am this kind of person.
Because I am me.
That people ignore me, forget me, use me then toss me aside.
I hate it.
Being the person I am.
I hate how I feel like I can do nothing about it.
How hopeless my view of life is.
And how weak I am for not even trying.

I want others to depend on me, but really, its me who depends on them.
Without someone telling me what to do, I get lost.
Confused.

Again, my playlist mocks me.
It's playing Evanescence's song.
The title,
Missing.

It's something I've been feeling lately.
It expresses my thoughts and emotions very honestly.

And still, no matter how much I sing it from the bottom of my heart...
...no one's missing me.

How very unfortunate of me.
Unfortunate indeed.

Day194 Year2013 (murmurs of the heart)

I'm so lonely.
So lonely that I could die.....

....why won't I die?

No matter how much I scream, no one hears me.
There's no one who understands me.
Even if I threaten to kill myself in public, no one would bother to stop me.

Am I really that worthless to anybody?
Does no one really care about me?
Or are they just too busy caring for themselves that they forget?

I'm so lonely.
Why won't I die from this pain? This sorrow?
Even if a blade cuts me I can feel no pain.
Just this ache in my heart.
Its killing me.

It's so cold.
I want to feel cold.
I don't want any kind of warmth to pass through me.
I want to bathe in ice.
I want to drink freezing water. Eat snow.
If it would make me numb.
So that I may no longer feel the pain nor care for another.

Living alone is lonely.
I thought if I could gather enough people by my side then I won't be alone anymore.
But its still lonesome by my self.
More so knowing that the people around me doesn't care about me.

It's excruciating living like this.
Even if I pray, no God would hear me.
Even if I summon, no Demon would come near me.

Where is anybody?
I can't see them.
Why won't anyone hug me? Cherish me?
Treat me kindly? Think of me dearly....
Why isn't there like that in this world?

Where is the other ME?
My soul mate that should save me from this pain.
Where are you?
Have you died and left me already?
Even though you were supposed to be a part of me...
....you've left me? All Alone.

Day194 Year2013

Mood: Destitute
Time: 2055hrs


I'm at my usual place.
Trapped within the solace of this 4-walled room.
No one to talk to but myself and some pets.
I'm alone as I was born.

Earlier, I gazed upon my past logs in a blog somewhere.
There were notes like a journal log that I read.
It was just I was amazed at how well the sentences were formed despite claiming to be depressed.
Words were concise and understandable and the whole paragraph connected; like they made sense.

I always re-read my posts.
I try to make sure that I didn't leave any wrong words or misspelled them in any way.
Yet even so, the post, as a whole, was not complete.
It did not seem to point anywhere.
It did not make much sense.

That's when I figured that the current "me" was on the lowest of the low when it comes to morale.
I think this time, I'm 100% depressed and soon will be suicidal.
Or I already am, since just the other day, I challenged crossing the streets while the cars were moving fast and the back would almost hit me if I drew closer any further.
I just wanted to die now.
But I know such thing is not easy.
A suicidal-idiot may think that its easy to die, but its not.
Especially when every bone;every muscle; every fiber of your body senses that and tells you "you must live."
I know that feeling.
I am a coward when it comes to killing myself, but the times that I've encountered near-death experiences I've always ended up crying that I want to live.

*Sigh*
I never really get what I want.
Even in death, I can't take my own life whenever I want it.
This life. Just what is it in there that's worth living for?
If there are people in this world that many would mourn for; that many would cry over when they die; then why can't I give my useless life for their sake? At least some would be happy.
Every person is equal.
But my life is not.
It is always taken away from me.
If its really survival of the fittest, why don't they just let me die here and now?

I don't understand.
No one would understand me too.

So, why?
Why am I still alive?

For what?

Day191 Year2013

Mood: Pissed off
Time: 0040hrs



I hate this world.
There's nothing good to love.
I thought that if I were kind, I would be treated kindly.
I thought that if I were fair, I would be treated fairly.

This world is just corrupted.
It has so much garbage than treasure.
It is more useless than its real worth.
The world, the humans, the people living in this caged up life liiving under the pretense of being "good" because of RULES. These worthless rules that is implemented but never obeyed. If its worthless, why bother following it? Why be tied to it?

It was people who made these rules.
But it was them that don't follow.
If it were for everyone's sake; if it were for the equal treatment of mankind, then why is there people that roam the world unpunished? Why are there scum frolicking happily in my backyard? Why are my rights being stumped to the ground by insects that were supposed to be beneath me?

I hate this world.
This world of supposed "civility" that the rest of society want to implement while the many go about ignoring it. I hate this world. I hate this society bound by laws that can't help the helpless and needy. I hate seeing the usual facade of politicians smiling about making demands of us individuals. I hate this worthless system that they want to live by for the rest who are not robots but wild beasts. Going about on their regular rampage.

Why do I have to be bound to this?
Why do I have to follow this ridiculous rules when they were but guidelines anyway?
Why are the mistakes of some backfired to me, the innocent?

I hate it.
I don't think I can have anything to love about in this world ruled by men.
I don't want to live life being the "good citizen" any longer.
It does not profit me in any way.

I hate it.
I hate it.
I hate it so much.

I hate these invisible chains that bind me to my true potential.
I hate these rules.
I hate these steps.
I hate these cage I live in.

I want to break it.
I want to destroy this corrupt system so that I can build anew.
I want to cut these worthless ties to the living.
They that mean nothing but the wicked ghost of a past.

I hate it.
Someone, release me from my binds.
I want to scream from the top of my lungs.
I want to spread my wings.
To prove that I am living and alive.
I have no need of it.
The past, these regulations, anything.

I don't want this limited kind of living.
Release me already.

Free yourself.
Me.

The things I Love (Interlude)

I love the rain.
Because I can cry all I want without anyone complaining I'm loud.

I love this planet.
I just don't like the people that live in it.

I love animals.
Too bad they don't love me.

I love music.
It understands me better than anybody.

I love the wind.
If I spread my arms, I can feel like even a person like me could fly away somewhere far.

That's it for now.

(to be added continuously)

Day184 Year2013

Mood: Sickly
Time: 0730hrs



It's morning and it just started raining.
The usual bright view from the outside is turned to gray by the weather.
It was actually quite hot the past few days considering the season, so I've wondered when such rain would fall on over our heads.

Also, these past few days, things happened that was inevitable.
Circumstances and even maybe FATE made things progress the way it did.
However, I am still stuck in this "now" without the intention of moving forward.
No, rather, I have every intention to throw away the past, but "unseen" forces makes me lag behind everyone else. I am as always, TRAPPED without the reassuring sight of light.

Again, these past few days, I've come about some few conclusions.
That there is NO GOD. And if there is, then He's one fucked up sadist.
That "friendship" is just a word. It is the time when people come to you in their darkest hours then forget you in times of happiness. Yeah, its fucked up too.
That there is no one in this world that can help you but yourself. So again, companionship is for the weak. And yeah, camaraderie is fucked up again.
That TRUST is no longer for the trustworthy. Since there isn't in the world that is.
That possibilities exist when others give up. There pops up opportunities.
And that there isn't a sure road to the future.

And so, the following days to come, all I can do is trust myself, push myself forward and throw away the excess baggage that is my past. I don't think I'll be needing it if I am to move forward.

Yes, its tiring.
I've felt this pain and burden before.
I grew tired of it and threw it away.
I told myself I don't like it so I have no need for it.
How ironic that such events would come again in the future.

So this is what life is about?
To fight your way until you die?
So living is actually slowly dying....
...so what was I living for again?

Day181 Year2013

Mood: Sickly
Time: 0304hrs



Why does luck come swiftly to others and yet very rarely do it visit me?
They say just do your best and it will eventually lead to something....
How many times have I done something yet achieve nothing?
I don't know about the "doing your best" part, but I know I suffered doing it.
Results are everything.
No matter how much effort you exert, if you have no talent for it, then your effort is wasted on a useless thing. I tried walking a path that I thought would lead me somewhere, but all I faced are hundreds of dead-ends and no exit. I hate it.

[ Try and try until you succeed. ]

Would that include your wasted human years accumulating nothing but failures?
Surely, one should've learned a bit from their past mistakes, but if it is something one cannot possibly do, then one should not have tried in the first place. Its utter pointless.

Also, although people see, doesn't mean they know or understand.
It's something I've learned just recently.
A person I inquired about said to me that I shouldn't complain to my "Friends" if they don't comment or talk to me whenever I rant about regarding my life. That they "too" are facing a harsh world and they have their own lives to bother about. "I understand", I said to myself. I understand perfectly well the selfishness of individuals. How they prioritize their lives above all others. But I am not "anybody" to them. I am supposed to be a [ friend ]. And that certain "friend" is in need of moral help and support. Whence I, on the other hand, was there by their side when they needed me, I want them to be there at the time when I needed their help. Even if they don't understand me, if they really are a "TRUE FRIEND" then words aren't necessary.

Is that so much to ask for?
Is my concept of friendship WRONG?
Was I the only who taught that friends are people that stick together and support each other?
Was I the only one who acted as a FRIEND?

I don't understand.
I do not know their ways.
But I am certain it is selfish.

I've posted many times of how I wanted to kill myself.
But until now, none replied to care.
Where are they, my so-called FRIENDS?
Really,....oh how I HATE THIS WORLD I live in.
How I HATE this life I am living.
As before, kindness is unnecessary in this time.
I have no need for it anymore.

Day178 Year2013

Mood: Despair (Blasphemous)
Time: 1135hrs


God doesn't help people.
PEOPLE help people.

God doesn't save lives.
Its PEOPLE who save people's lives.

I've gradually come to this conclusion lately.
No matter how often you pray for something, you won't attain it if you don't do your best.
You can't have money if you don't work.
You can't have things if you don't work.

God doesn't help you with anything if you don't give out your best to achieve something.
If you study, you'll get good grades.
No amount of prayer would give you the results without handing some effort on your part.
Praying is worthless.
It doesn't give anything besides false hopes.

Yes. I know it quite well.
How many times have I followed useless rituals that others say would ensure a passing grade?
How many hours have I spent praying for some God that won't even answer back?
It's in faith. Its something unseen.
Its something that's felt that we are given such blessings.
Why should a person be thankful for having things that he worked so hard to have?
If you have time to pray, use that time to do something productive instead.
How many people are living in this country thinking that with enough church hours they could be given salvation from this cruel world?

Yes, I know.
It might seem blasphemous to the religious.
But being a Catholic is something that was forced on the many.
In this place where we are baptized in our birth, made to undergo a ritual and forced to follow a teaching that we had no idea what it was about.

Do that. Make that. Be that.
Rules are implemented without even knowing the reason behind them.
I didn't ask to be your follower.
So those rules shouldn't apply to me.
They limit people based on their beliefs only for the benefit of the few.
Its maddeningly outrageous.
Who decided that? You?
Why? Why should I follow it?
I won't have any benefit from it at all.
Its pointless. Its worthless!

"Thou shall not kill."
"Thou shall not steal."
"Love thy neighbor as you love thineselves."
Why should I do such things?

Should I love my trecherous neighbor?
Should I not steal back my stolen goods?
Should I not murder my father's murderer?
Should I be kind and love them all?

And all the while, all you can scare me with is my soul will burn in Hell??
What the fuck- I'm already in HELL!!
This kind of living is hellish.
Whatever things I do, no matter little, will earn me a ticket to hell.
The teachings of the church is screwed up.
Its so fucked up, its hilarious!
Even the priests that sermon about it are demons in disguise.
This country is fucked up.
So much that the more you a person goes to church, the more evil they truly are.
How stupid is that?
Thinking that with a few words of repentance and a simple "Holy Mary", could save their soul.

They really know how to manipulate others, don't they?
This so-called "HOLY CHURCH", that is so much screwed up inside.
Trying to run the world with a saint's face carrying a demon's heart all the while.
Yes, its totally -effng annoying.
This so called [ GOD ] and the people that spread his name and so-called TEACHINGS.

Day175 Year2013

Mood: Melancholy
Time: 1705hrs


Been feeling nostalgic lately.
I've rummaged past photo albums and I think in mental progress, I haven't passed the state of childhood as of yet. I'm still dreaming and yelling and throwing tantrums at how the world isn't kind or why things won't go my way. Even though others before me have endured and sacrificed to the standard of life and living they are enjoying now. Yes, all I do is whine about how I'm not blessed with material wealth when I don't go even bother working to get it. All I see is other people and not weigh my own. How pitiful being a child inside is. Despite having an adult's body, I still see my self as powerless and limit myself from the possibilities there are in this life.

I've started thinking this way.
After being in the dumps for so long, I think its about time to wake up and realize my true potential by battling out life head on. I'm always blaming others for my mistakes. Its because I'm alone and lonely that I feel helpless and left out. That I grow scared of going out and facing the world of grown-ups. Its hard having a child's way of thinking while being tossed to the real world. More so, since its been so long that I've come to get in term with such realization.

Looking around, I visited an acquaintance's page.
He's been dead for more than 40 days or so, but his memories still live on the people he's interacted with. If you know his page, you'd notice the countless posts of people with stories and pictures and you'd think he's still alive. I realized then how I'm living. What my page would look like when I'm dead. No one would bother cause I never really got to know that much people in my life. I never did that much things while I was alive. I won't be remembered for a long time even if I died. "How pitiful my life was," will be what others would see. I'm always lamenting life even before I've lived it. Always looking down instead of looking up.

I don't want such a scenery.
Even if I was who I am, I don't want to think that I lived my life in such a worthless way or spent the precious moments I had doing nothing. I don't want that. And yet, I am still powerless. Still shackled by my past and my weakness. I really should stop that. That kind of thinking. Even if everyone around looked down on me, I want to live life day-to-day with a smile on my face knowing that I enjoyed it without regrets.

I'm getting old.
Way past the limit I've set myself on.
Time won't wait for me to be ready. I should be ready even when I'm not. That's what I want and what I wish for right now. Since there's no one around I can rely on, I need only rely on myself. Yes. Just like I've always done. So please, if you exist, give me your blessing and help me get a job that I can work to.

Day174 Year2013B

Time: 1903hrs
Mood: Horrible, Betrayed



All I wanted was to live a quiet life.
Somewhere surrounded by greenery. Flowers. Trees.
Somewhere no human could disturb me.
Surrounded by animals and pets.
A peaceful life is what I want.
Where I could rest on the grass and look at the sky.
Where I can smell the air and cool off while dreaming.
I just wanted that place.
Even if I were alone.
By then, I won't feel the cold loneliness.
I won't hear the cruel lies.
I won't put up fake smiles.
Where I can be me without anyone's stares.
I wanted a place like that....
...from the bottom of my heart.
Truly.

And yet, reality is cruel.
It gives me cruel friends for companions.
It makes me enemies without a reason.
It turns life into HELL without asking for my opinion.

I hate it.
I don't want to hate, but I can't help it.
I love them but instead they betray that trust and that feeling.
My feelings were pure.
I just wanted people to stay by my side.
And yet they toss me aside.
They leave me alone.
They always do.

I want to kill myself.
That part that is kind and gentle.
It doesn't belong in this cruel,cruel world.
It would only make me a stepping stone for greedy individuals.
I have talents. I have strengths.
And yet I chose to use it for trash like them that doesn't even know how to appreciate me for me.

I want to die.
How can that "me" die?
I want to break.
This kind of false mask that is quietly hiding behind my smiles.

Kindness is weakness.
It makes people think that they can do what they like with you and expect you to smile despite that.
It makes even those truly weak individuals to think they can take you.
How pathetic.
Just because I have these lingering feelings.
Just because I don't want others to feel the kind of emotions I felt and still do.
Just because I didn't want to return to that darkness from before.
Without realizing that I'm still in the same kind of pit I was then.

How many people have I cried out for help?
How many times have I reopened my scars so that they may know this pain?
No one replied to my pleas.
No one looked back even though I fell in the dumps.
No one.
Not friends, not parents, not siblings, not relatives.
Not even a being called [ GOD ] came to comfort me.
No one noticed my pains.

I was alone as I was then.
I thought having friends would take the pain away.
I thought knowing love and falling in love would make me happy.
But no one felt my kind of love.
No one showed me kindness.
No one gave me happiness.
I only knew pain.
Even though I hated it so much.
It was the only thing that was presented to me in this life.
The pain of being alone and the pain of loneliness.
The pain of being left behind.
The pain of longing for warmth.
The pain of loving without being loved.
The pain of smiling despite being deeply scared.
The pain of not knowing why I was born.
And the pain of continually suffering in a life without meaning.

My wishes were simple.
It could be possible to grant.
For people to love and loved in return.
For them to stay by my side and not leave me.
To feel kindness in return.
To see a smile when I smile.
For them not to forget.
And to be appreciated.

They were simple wishes. Prayers if you want to call it that.
They could be granted easily.
They were free.
But....
....there's always a "but" in the end.

I want to give up now.

I think when I get a break from this current living condition and acquire a job, I can give up on these feelings.
I can throw away this kind of past and never let it repeat again.
My wish is the same as everyone else's.
I only wish for happiness.
And for that, I can throw away everything for a bright future.
What's to fear?
I have been alone all my life.
I made it so I can do everything on my own without relying on other people's help.
I'll be fine.

When that happens, you'll know.
I'll tell you my secret.
Because after that, I'll throw you away as you are part of the past I won't need.

Day 174 Year2013A

Time: 0040hrs

Mood: Sleepy, confused

Its night time.
Or to be exact, its early morning.
I'm awake since I don't want to sleep yet, although my body says otherwise.
I want to read some more. Something sweet to make me get through the sleeping phase.
To put it simply, so that I won't dream of bad things.

Last night, yes, about yesterday when I slept, I dreamt of something weird again.
It has a story so I made it through my sleep.
I don't remember the beginning, but just parts or it. Fragments, as you might say.
And in these fragments, a certain part took main theme.

[ AZALEA ]

As much as I like that word, it was a flower that got my attention in my dream.
I saw a flower being sold in the side. I was with someone running away from something.
I saw an azalea flower (but turned out not) because I kept saying it WAS Azalea, or someone is instilling that it is. Anyway, it was a blue flower, taking form more like a Chrysanthemum rather than the real azalea. I took it and got a petal. It was hard and full and I ate it. It seems that I was running around in search of a cure for some poison and then perchance someone said to take AZALEA petals and eat it.

Moving on, I was very much into language of flowers since reading about it in the past and looked it up. The flower AZALEA had a meaning "please take care of yourself" and it struck me as someone wishing for my well-being. As someone theorized (read somewhere) that we are all connected and the reception becomes clear during our sleeping phase. And now I'm stuck wondering if there is a possibility that someone, somewhere, is wishing for me from the bottom of their hearts, or some deceased family member wishing that I live my life better....hmm...

Again, I saw a picture of a blue chrysanthemum and it looked so much like the one in my dream and saw that chrysanthemums signify "the light in the darkness", though I doubt about the color significance since in roses blue rose is an unattainable love or hopeless love. Again, remembering something in the past, I looked up an anime title and found the flower ASTER more looking of that in the dream. And in the language of flowers it meant "always thinking of you". So either way, someone, somewhere really IS thinking of my well-fare....hmmm....

Also, I need to take down notes for my dreams.
I tend to repress them and my body won't listen.
I can remember only bits but not fully.
Damn.

Day171 Year2013

Time: 1004hrs
Mood: Clinically Depressed


Hindi ako bagay na tinatapon pag di kailangan o laruan na tinatabi sa kung saan. Hindi ako manikang paglalaruan at pinapagalaw sa anumang kagustuhan.

Hindi ako pusang dadamputin at aampunin, pag namatay magkukupkop muli. Tao akong hindi perpekto. Madaming kakulangan at ang isip ay magulo. Pero un ay dahil TAO ako. Isang COMPLEX na nilalang dahil evolved na ang utak ko.

I need love, affection, warmth and kindness. Not only the basic needs.
I need strength and courage.
I need people to fill the void, not expand it.

So if you think you can't do that but just sucks up to me when you need someone like me, then get out of my life. I have no need for you.

Damn this kind soul. Damn this weak mind.
Damn this forgiving nature.
I need to kill this part of me somehow....

Day162 Year2013

Mood: still dead inside
Time: 2001hrs


I hate change.
Or rather, I fear it.
You never know what you turn into or if you'd like it in the end.

But even if I don't want to, we change. Gradually, little-by-little, people do.
We age.
No one can run away from the natural flow of time.

Day 161 Year2013

Mood: Dead inside
Time: 1310hrs



I am clinically dead deep inside. I don't feel anything. Hiding here in my fort thinking it would give me peace and comfort. Days become weeks. Weeks become months. Before long, I soon realized that its been a few months since I've done anything fruitful or worthwhile in my life. I am a walking dead. Someone whose spirit has left yet body remains and continues to live. My heart is dead. Something so inevitable and so human.

Day 147 Year2013

Time: 2302hrs
Mood: I wanna hurl....


Yes, not because I'm pregnant or something but because of over-eating.
Was supposed to go to a "friend's" house but due to unforseen events, couldn't in the end.
Well, its not my fault so I don't have a heavy burden in me.
Just that I felt so fucked up earlier that all the rage burned out and I turned numb once more.

Reality is so full of shit, you know?
Whenever you feel like your dreams are so close that they seem true, you wake up from life's cruelty and realize that its just a dream. And just like how people give [  GOD ] credit for in times of good things, I would like to give [ GOD ] in times of bad things as well. Making me live up to now without even letting me do what I have to do or at least telling me my purpose in life. How [ God ] always closes a freaking door in my face whenever I can see the light of hope. And just like that, my endeavors in life becomes useless.

And where does that leave me?
Here at rock bottom.
No one to lend me a help.
Even if I stretch out my arms, there's no one.
So this [ God ] doesn't exist for me.
Letting me live just to die without accomplishing anything.
Letting me see another set of day just to do nothing.

Or what? I am at fault in all of this.
That HE just gives me time and day and whatever I do with those things depends on me; pointing out that I am to blame. Yes, I've swooned over that fact in the past. I've thought about it countless times over.

Without a light, I cannot see where I am going.
So I decided to stay where I stand. That way, I won't trip and fall or lose my way.
But just like that, there is no progress.

So give me a light.
If there is still hope, then I shall grab it.
A single ray of light amidst all these darkness that surrounds me.

And yet, there is none.

Day 126 Year2013

Time: 2139hrs
Mood: Deflated and dead tired


I - am - sooooo - tiredddd.....

I went outside and faced the fierce rays of the sun. My eyes practically BURNED in the heat.
I felt like dying.
It was too much to bear.
My throat was always dry and if that wasn't enough, it felt like someone was strangling me.
Again, that sensation continues even in this moment.

I'm so tired.
I want to sleep and relax tomorrow.
Lying in bed without any worries.

The wind blew gently and strongly earlier today.
It was during those times that I can be thankful for the weather especially when clouds are abundant in the sky.It made the day a little less insufferable.

I had to do many things today.
Job hunting, travelling, inquiring, and helping out a friend in need.
Even though friends could be so demanding and bossy whenever they need something from you, as a friend that truly cares you can't ignore their loud pleas. It's because its too noisy too ignore and the only way you can quiet them down is by going along with the flow. How ironic.

On another note, there is a person I am currently attracted to.This person was someone I used to hate.
Naturally, instinctively hate.
The first encounter we had was in a fierce fight over who gets to be the head.
I hated his noisy and loud nature.
I hated his stupid questions that mean almost nothing.
I simply hated him because at the time I barely know him.
So there was no harm in doing things like Hating him.

I never would have thought that the same person I used to abhor down to his core could be this endearing.
You really can never judge a book by its cover.
He is sweet, kind and gentle.
He is curious and paves his own way.
We have so many things alike.
We like so many things just the same.

It only took a single comment.
Simple words and a few seconds for me to appease my former hatred towards him.
At the time, I didn't care about the past.
His existence was so little and of no concern to me that talking forward and eventually finding out that he was the person I used to hate came as a surprise even to myself.
He was no one to begin with.
But he became "someone" right now.

How heart-wrenching it is to hear his name.
Even speaking of it and thinking of him makes me lose my breath.
More so knowing that this person will never be mine....
....but for now, I can have his smile and his kindness.
I want more but that's all I can have for now.
You can never be too greedy.

But knowing that I can't have more like his lips or his kisses....
....I wanted to at least try to ask for them.
So that I won't have more regrets.
So that I can throw away these feelings more freely afterwards.
So that I'll know first-hand before doubting and ending things with my self-conclusions and delusions.

I want to kiss you.
I want to have your kiss.
To taste your lips.
To feel your warmth.
To have you even for a little.
In reality and not in dreams.

I want to have you.
Even though I doubt you'll allow me to.
But even so....
....I can say that I tried.

Day117 Year2013

Time: 1805hrs
Mood: Brooding



I have no drive for anything. I don't want to do anything.
Projects keep on piling up and I have yet to move or finish something.
I am waiting.
For that fiery heat that would make my soul shiver in happiness.
The wonderful feeling of chasing something because you know in your heart that it would lead somewhere.
That sensation that there is something better to do that would amount to something after.

But it is gone.
For the time being, it does not exist.
So I stay where I am.
Lost. Alone.
Yet again.

As I see it, the world around me continues to revolve.
People go on with their lives and do as they please.
And yet here I am, being reserved, thinking I don't deserve what others have.
I am limited by my negativity.
I shy away from what should be everyone else's because I'm not confident enough to even have it in the first place.

All I can do is retire to my bed and dream where I can have what I want and do what I want without anyone else's prejudices. There I can move things by my will. I can control the things I can't. I can be who I want.

The world does not care if I stop in the middle.
It will not notice me.
It will not care what I do.
It will not change for me.

Then the world should not involve me.
I don't care if the world does as it does.
But it has rules and customs that I am forced to obliged.
And that's what I hate most.
Something that shouldn't concern me involves me.
Just because I live in it.
How stupid.
I can't even live my life as I please in this so-called "REALITY".
You just end up going with the flow.

I hate it so, so, so, much.
So much that I want to sleep inside my room and live inside my dreams forever.
In this cold, cruel world, I'd rather dream my life away.....

Tarot Reading

Your Tarot reading consists of a spread of ten cards. Below are the cards and a description of their symbolism. Think about the descriptions and determine whether they offer some insights about your personal situation.

 Ten of Pentacles

The Ten of Pentacles stands for the ultimate in worldly and material success. An aura of prosperity surrounds you. Wealth and affluence are yours.

When we achieve material success, we naturally want it to last. This is the conservative, Establishment side of the Ten of Pentacles. Why rock the boat when life is fine just the way it is? This card often stands for convention - following established guidelines and maintaining the status quo. Fat cats are rarely radicals; they love tradition and the tried-and-true. Sometimes it is important to trust the known ways, but only when change is inadvisable.

The Ten of Pentacles is also concerned with permanence. Change is an unavoidable part of life, but constant change is uncomfortable. We need stability and the chance to work for a secure foundation in life. This card may be telling you to concentrate on the long-term. Work toward a lasting solution. Now may be the time to settle down and make the arrangements that will work for you far into the future.

 Five of Wands

The Five of Wands represents disorganization and chaos. Something is not the way it is supposed to be. Get some insights about what needs to be done by organizing a closet, a desk, or kitchen utensils. Can you help someone who needs to put things in order?

Don't litter. Do not throw things out of your car window. Dispose of trash properly.

 Seven of Cups

Look around the room right now and pay attention to what is out of place. Sometimes, we should take a break and not react to our environment. Letting everything go is what the Seven of Cups is all about.

It is easy to worship the gods of efficiency and neatness. We like trim lawns, alphabetized filing systems and time management - the world of the Emperor. We admire order in all its forms and want everything to be just right. The Seven of Cups provides the balance. This card stands for all that is sloppy, impractical and lax.

Look carefully at how disordered your situation is. Is everything too controlled and regular? Perhaps you need to let things fall apart a little. When a rigid system breaks up, there can be a tremendous release of creativity.

On the other hand, if you are in a chaotic situation, some tightening may be necessary. No one is happy and productive in a crazy environment. Regularity gives structure to life. Taken to an extreme, the looseness of the Seven of Cups can lead to harmful patterns of decadence, addiction and self-indulgence.

Sometimes the laziness applies to your thoughts and dreams. It is easy to wish for something, but not so easy to make that wish come true. When you see this card, make sure that you are backing up your plans with work and effort. Tighten up your life and commit yourself to doing what it takes to reach your goals ... even if it means cleaning house.

 Wheel of Fortune

The Wheel of Fortune represents unexpected encounters and twists of fate. We can never be certain when calamities or good fortune will cross our path. Sometimes we recognize that we could have avoided a misfortune, but too late to prevent it. Similarly, we chastise ourselves for not having had the foresight to make an investment that would have changed our life dramatically or for missing opportunities that in retrospect seem obvious.

Good luck is preparation plus opportunity. We have to understand what we want and when the opportunity comes our way, we have to take advantage of it.

Do not gamble your money away. Spending more than a few Dollars per week on lotteries, bingo and other kind of gambling has a greater chance of making you poor than of making you rich. Clearly, if you never play the lottery you are never going to win, but you could play all your life and still never win.

Don't overlook a reliable way to make a fortune: Invest in tax-deferred savings plans as much as you can. Pay off high-interest debt. Live within your means.

 Eight of Pentacles

The Eight of Pentacles implies a time of great diligence and focus. It advises you to take care of business, whether a work project, family difficulty, personal goal or unpleasant duty. Sometimes blessings fall into our laps to be enjoyed. Other times we must put out great effort to obtain them. The Eight of Pentacles represents moments when you need to exert extra effort. This kind of work is invigorating and leads to superb results. The labor of the Eight of Pentacles is deeply satisfying and productive.

The Eight of Pentacles can also symbolize the impulse to learn and to broaden horizons. Sometimes we need to develop new skills. We do research, dig out facts or search for expertise. The Hermit is looking for inner knowledge. You too must seek knowledge and try to understand the material world.

This card can also show the need for meticulous attention. People who are painstaking are often dismissed as nit-pickers, but their extra effort ensures everything is as it should be. It's a matter of caring - taking the time to check the little details. Now is not the time to be slipshod or casual. Look for errors, and tie up loose ends. The key to success is an extraordinary effort. Whatever your task, the Eight of Pentacles tells you to give it your all in every way.

 Queen of Pentacles

The personality of the Queen of Pentacles combines the positive earth energy of the Pentacles suit with the inward focus of a Queen. If you were to visit the Queen of Pentacles, the first thing she would say is, "Come in, come in. It's great to see you. Have a bowl of soup!" No one is more welcoming and nurturing than she. Her greatest pleasure is to care for others - making sure they are happy and secure. Her home is always overflowing with children, pets, plants and footloose friends. She is warm and generous to all. In day-to-day matters, she is sensible and practical. She doesn't have a lot of time for elaborate plans and other craziness. If something needs doing, she just takes care of it without a lot of fuss and bother. If necessary, she makes do with little and always comes through in a pinch. There is a down-to-earth, matter-of-factness about her. She is always loyal and steadfast. Because she is trusting by nature, others trust her completely. When you are hurting or in need, the Queen of Pentacles will calm your fears and share your troubles.

The Queen of Pentacles asks you to think and feel as she does. For example: Are you feeling warm and caring toward others? Are you being sensible? Have you been true to your word? Do you feel generous? Can you be counted on when times are tough? This Queen can also represent a man or woman who is like her, or an atmosphere of warmth, trust and security.

 Judgement

Judgement symbolizes evaluation. It is time to look at your life and decide whether you are doing what you would like to be doing. Are you satisfied with your life? If you are not happy with your job or with your relationships, think about what you need to do to change your life.

This card also reminds us about legal proceedings. Are your affairs in order? Are your debts paid? Have you met your commitments? Have you been fair to those around you? Have you been honest? Make sure that you meet all your pending obligations.

 Two of Swords

The Two of Swords represents the barriers we put up between ourselves and others as well as the barriers that we create for ourselves. Internally, we block off emotions and refuse to feel them. We avoid looking at the truth and pretend that everything's OK. We think one way, but feel another. In countless ways, we divide off parts of ourselves and try to maintain them even when we know they need to be reconciled.

The Two of Swords often appears when you are not willing to accept some truth about yourself or the situation. What are you really feeling? Are you resisting tender feelings because you might be hurt? Are you furious even though you're smiling? What are you refusing to look at? With blinfolds you can't look at the truth or even acknowledge that there is trouble.

The most common barrier is a closed heart. When we cut ourselves off emotionally, we sever the connection that allows our love to flow outward. Sometimes this action is necessary, but it always comes at a great price. Every time we close off our heart, we find it more difficult to open again. Another barrier between people is a deadlocked situation. When two parties are set in their positions - cut off from each other - there is a stalemate. To break it, the "opponents" must come out from behind their swords and listen to each other. The lesson of the Two of Swords is that barriers are not the answer. We must stay open if we are to find peace and wholeness.

 Ace of Wands

The Ace of Wands is a symbol of creativity, excitement, adventure, courage and personal power. Examine your creative ideas and the need to act boldly.

Determine how your confidence can work for you. Expand your limits. Be initiative. Be original. Explore your creative potential.

 Lovers

The Lovers represent love and sex. The purpose of life is procreation because without procreation there would be no life. However, there are so many people in the world that you as an individual do not have to worry about perpetuating the human race. You can aspire toward relationships where friendship and mutual trust are the foundation of love. Above all, be responsible and truthful. Say what you mean and do what you say. It is better to express your doubts about a relationship than to suppress your feelings. Any relationship built on false hopes eventually crumbles.

If you are thinking about having sex make sure that you understand what you are getting into. What do you know about birth control and sexually transmitted diseases?

What would you do if you got pregnant?

Day100 Year2013

Time: 1702hrs
Mood: Tired




Last night, or rather, early in the morning, I had a dream. It was a scary dream. I was frightened. That for sure. But because it was exactly like that that I forced myself to forget. I woke up around 2 in the morning. I was so scared that I didn't want to remember anything related to it. Using the words "forget" and "don't remember", I was able to fall asleep again. I don't know what it is. I usually get dreams of death, blood and gore that I have grown accustomed to such sights,but to make myself forcefully forget something means it was something I won't be able to accept or carry.

Something frightful that I wished it gone instantly in my head.....
.....what could it be, I wonder?

Even so, the proceeding scenes of that night/day weren't exactly as delightful as it might seem. It's like I've said, I merely grew accustomed to such horrific sights that it is no longer petrifying as others may think. Nonetheless, this fragment of memory that I've thrown away is making a scenery and won't leave me. Knowingly setting aside a bitter image makes me wonder profusely. What could it be? And at the same time hoping deep inside that I won't remember.

Is it for the better to forget or to remember?
A question I've already heard in telenovelas and movies when someone gets amnesia.
Was it for the best interest that such a part was thrown away from that person's mind? Or was it something that the person would come to regret, seeing as how he can't have what was supposed to be his?
A memory.

No matter if it be a bitter past or a happy present, the person that lost it can't help but feel incomplete, knowing that something a part of him especially is missing. Because no matter what that memory may be, it is still what makes him the current "him".

Was it for the best? For me to forget what that could be?
Or will I regret eventually?
If it was something that I threw away immediately.
If it was something that I thought would be dangerous or frightening to me.
Then maybe I should just dig deeper in the realm of my mind and bury the thing completely.

I hope I won't remember.
If it was something that scared me, I hope I won't remember.
A scenery that would make me lose my sanity.......

Day97 Year2013

Time: 2056hrs
Mood: Sickly

Broad shoulders.
Wide arms.
Warmth.

A warmth I've never known.
And will never have.

Words spun in the midst of a tryst.
Would seem like lies to me.
But there is none to meet with.
Since there's no one to see.
And no one to speak of such things.
No special words for me.

Life is lonely for me.
I live for the sake of existing, and not living.
Love is foreign to me.
Since there's no one waiting out there in the world for someone such as I.

Words that are easily spoken.
Gestures of some men.
The hidden message behind their gaze.
Something I'll never know.
The meaning behind their simple words.
The kind of quip they mention but not intending to say straight.
Leaves me questioning for the meaning.
But I'll never know.
I'll never know.
Unless someone tells me otherwise.
In which none would care to tell.
Sadly. None at all.

I have the face. I have the smile. I have the attitude. Or whatever it is.
I have these things but none would approach me instantly.
I could feel their gazes brought down upon me. Observing and learning me.
But none would bother to talk to me.
I don't have the courage to speak my mind instantly.
I weigh and analyze my actions and move upon the best options.
I try to be what others would want.
To be appreciated. To be kind. To be nice and friendly.
But none would stay by me.
None would seem to care.

I'm always abused. Used. Stepped on. Taken advantage of.
I'm always someone that others can rely but not forever.
I feel lonely. Unhappy. Desolate and despaired.
No one understands me.
And no one accepts me wholeheartedly.

Why?
I wonder why?
Why won't they?

Men.
I don't understand you.
You speak as if you can like a girl based on their attitude.
But in reality what you seek is one with the proportion.
The body.
The face.
Screw funny.
What you want is to screw someone with the hourglass curves.
The one with a robust bust.
All you do is lie.
And I fall for those lies.

Men. Women.
I can never understand them.
Just when I thought I can hold grasp of their gestures and their words, it slips away.
Because every one is a LIAR at heart.
You can never get what you want.
You have to use someone.
Manipulate someone.
I can never trust mankind.
I have lost faith in them.
Men. Women. Adult. Children.
I've grown to HATE them.

Because no one loves me then I can never love anyone as well.
Because no one can see me, I don't bother to see the real them.
Because all I get is coldness. There's no point to give warmth.
I hate things because no one taught me how to love.

Day38 Year2013

Mood: Sleepy
Time: 2324hrs

Where would I even start?
Too tired from the happenings of just a mere few days. I can't give out the details since it would blurt out some signs as of who I am in real life. Just that its too tiring since I haven't rested enough to regain the past day's worth of energy expended. Really, I'm not used to exerting myself physically especially regarding activities and such. Made fun of a certain "person" in real life and just had a blast living life to the fullest ( I think).

I'm busy studying now. Yes, I study whenever I have the time and the drive to do so. In fact, I love learning new things everyday and that is the main reason why I love hanging out on google. I also feel comfortable whenever I'm surrounded by piles of projects even though there's no certainty that I would finish everything. Lols....

I also love downloading movies and stuff but after a while when I've completed downloading them, I don't use the time to watch it. I get bored since I have the ability to move forward through the scenes, I can have a peek at the ending and the specific "juicy" parts.

And like I am now, I'm bored.
Though I have deadlines and stuff, I don't have the drive to continue anymore. I just want a whole day free for myself. I don't want to be tied by people around and dictating my life again. I hate persistent people. It's like they're saying you're indebted to make them happy or do things for them. How sad that I am tied again by reciprocating circumstances. In short, I HATE where I am right now.

As if I asked to be given grace in the first place. I'm no beggar.
Hate, hate, hate,hate, I hate how I am tied by "utang na loob". *shit*




Why can't I just KILL the people I hate this easily?
Shit for banning killing, even though its INHUMANE....

Day33 Year2013

Mood: HungOver
Time: 2231hrs



So today was a bit weird. People came over the house and we drank this small bottle of liquor but the after-effect was so devastating. Never realized how weak I can be towards alcoholic drinks. Anyway, it didn't feel bad with that person over despite my countless hesitation before. Just had a mild headache and tired from taking care of the guests.

So, Valentine's Day is just around the corner. Everywhere I look in the mall, there are hearts plastered around. Just earlier, we saw a couple displaying their love openly and I commented, "they'll eventually break up." Yeah, I'm bitter toward this kind of season. How I freakin' HATE it!

If you love one another and is so lovey-dovey, don't rub it in!
Maybe you'll appreciate it more if I come over and break you two lovebirds apart, huh?!
Well, it lands on Thursday, and I'm still not sure if we have classes then, but VDay isn't a Holiday so I think that would mean a "yes"?

On my part, on the other hand, I'm piling up on movies and reading materials for the coming D-Day, or so I'd like to call. Also, will be busy doing that pesky project at school. Going solo-flight since everyone around me is so incompetent and thinks I'm "that" good or "kind" that I'd finish everything and let them have their leisurely days not minding anything. Yes, Fuck them.


So, I'm tired and would like to tuck in for the night. I hope that person doesn't get the wrong idea that the place would be a nice nest for hang-out, since this is the last Eden where I could be me and relax without thinking about "her".

Hope I get to sleep as well and tomorrow would be another busy day filled with plenty of projects to complete and tasks to do and also books to read.

Day29 Year2013

Mood: Fickle
Time: 2023hrs


     I have so many things in mind today. I want to do many things. I want to be occupied with countless random things. But at the end of the day, I could only do so much.

     I woke up groggy in the early morning. Slept early last night too, with a headache. I will have 3days vacant this week then off to study again. I'm so bored with the usual repetition of the day. Sleep, eat, surf the net, eat then sleep again. I want to do something that matters. Though really, in the long run, these things I am collecting will matter when the time comes. Its just that I want to do something wherein I can see immediately the fruit of my labor. Yes, I know there are only a few things possible at that short span of time, but even so, I want something that would drive my name into history. Something that I can see, not when I'm gone and dead. But whenever I do try something, I become lost at self-pity and inferiority complex while comparing myself with all the other people around. And when that happens, I think that nothing matters then, whatever I do.

     Also, whenever I want something and get that something, I realize that its not really that important and get bored in the end. At most, I even destroy that thing because I find it useless to me. I get bored easily so I'm never satiated or satisfied at the things that I do have. Its human nature, I guess.

Day26 Year2013

Mood: Somnolent
Time: 2219hrs


    Reading some stuff, I am reminded of things of the past. In my mind, I think of the hurtful things that tear my heart apart. And with that, I realize that no matter how hard I try to hide the hurt; deep inside it still remains. As time passed, thinking that it would heal on its own, I let it be. But the wounds inflicted on the soul/heart can never heal without the proper tools like "forgiveness" or "apology". Therefore, every cut or bruise inflicted on that part will never vanish as long as the healing process doesn't begin.

    "It hurts."
I can never deny that feeling. I let it fuel myself for vengeance. This pain will make me awake from the truth that I am vindictive by nature. I can't rest well so long as the people that inflicted this pain is conscience-free. And just so that I can live day-by-day as if nothing happened, I push it in. Deeper, deeper, inside of me. So that I can function properly. And it piles up. The more I keep it in, the more it destroys me inside. This pain cannot be turned away now.

    "It hurts."
I can't breathe. Even in dreams it haunts me. It manifests in reality. Made me sad. Made me cry while sleeping. It cannot be contained anymore.

Let me bleed. Let the wounds from this heart bleed out. It has become infected and needs to be drained out. Let it ooze along with the blood. For if not, it will be "poison" that eats me inside. Let it bleed out. Inside I am screaming as I panic and scratch at my infected heart.

I am always letting things pass by. Trying to be kind and forgiving. And yet these overwhelming thoughts starts to flow out. It can no longer be contained. I want to see blood. I want it to bleed. Bleed it out.

Day24 Year2013

Mood: Flattered
Time: 2010hrs


Frankly, its been a while since I've written anything down here. Or anything on my personal journal, actually. Many things happened at the start of the new year. Week after week I became more and more occupied with personal things, and stuff.

To be honest, I feel like everyone around me has been needy recently. Though I don't mind at all the physical  contact being with friends entail; I think that people have been more open towards me and more trusting of me. Why, you ask? Because I don't think I deserve their praise and trust. If you have been reading my posts from the start, you'd notice how harshly I criticize and bash people, especially those around me. But this time its different. It may be because there is a feeling of "Guilt" accompanied. That I don't deserve anything good happening around me. I don't know why. It may be my shame or my "shyness" (yes, i didn't phrase that wrong) towards the kindness I am being showered with. I am so accustomed to being trampled on and walked all over that I've made it my source of strength negatively. My evil-mindedness needs these negativity to keep on going with the thought of revenge in mind. Yes....everything seems so new. Though it shouldn't be.

Especially this certain girl that's always at my side and thought she had put a leash on me. She reminds me of someone from my childhood that I've badly misjudged. Her kind was particularly opposite of what society termed as norm. I have misjudged her. But I still have these ill-feelings towards her. It is because my longing for freedom beats stronger than the feeling of warmth that is natural for her. Yes. I wanted freedom. No matter what form it may be for now. Even if it is the choice to do something I like from doing something I don't; I wanted to have the freedom to choose what I want without being forced to do it. The longing I have after being denied of it from birth stays strong inside me. It is my will to be free. And to be hindered to have that certain freedom; to be tied down and forced without my free will...I still cannot forgive that, no matter how much you lavish on me.

Even so, I have grown accustomed to her usual neediness while still trying to fully encrypt her true face being at her side. I have grasped it. Her childishness. Her frailty. Her beauty is real outside and inside. But her character is broken like a porcelain doll. She is broken inside. That is why it is easy to read and understand her. Our tastes may seem alike, but it isn't particularly true. She has a need to have everything. She likes to horde and prove that she's right all the time. Because then, people would listen to her. Unlike how she can't be heard at home. I can see her somewhat true form. But its not complete to me. At least all I have to do is wait a few more months and the chains that tie me to her will disappear. After a few more months, I will have no need to be tied down again.

On another note, my weird dreams keep becoming weirder by the day. I don't know what it wants to convey but just yesterday night's dream, I dreamt of running away from somewhere. It was dark. The night sky covered everything. The place was wet with cobblestones as floors. At first it was the medieval times. Inside a castle or something. I was dressed fancily but I could not remember the details of the clothing. I wanted to run away. I was with someone. We made it over the iron-clad fences like the ones from olden times and dove in something, like a pile of dried leaves or something. I told the one I was with to lay down and stay still as our bodies were covered from head-down. I could feel myself grasping for that person's hand (my left hand) just to make sure I had that person was beside me (was sure it was a she). Then I could feel the suitors run past us. I was relieved but I kept still. Enough not to be noticed. I think that was the ending part of the story.

Another part was about a sheriff. It was a woman. I was viewing that person like the games (3rd-person was it?) and following it everywhere. I could see the place. It was dirty but with some civility. The road was mud. But there were structures present. I followed her. I could see her back. She was wearing a police officer's clothes (blue like in America). She was being greeted by everyone. The people was physically deformed. One way or the other, they had some sort of deformity in them. The other with her hand. The other I thought to be normal had a large left feet. Some in their faces. But there was always something wrong with them. She then went inside a "karenderya-like" house. It was open and there was no door. She greeted the people there and they offered her some food. She wondered what it was made of and looked to one of them (a guy with deformity and fat) and he was preparing a bowl with human parts (hands, feet). She saw it and acted like it was normal. She then went to another person (a woman, maybe the mother) and saw a bowl with grounded body parts there. They were minced so much you'd hardly identify them as a human's. It was weird. And the thought of it being normal was weird. It has been a while since I've had any blood and gore in my dreams since years ago. It's too weird to be thinking of it now and acting like its NORMAL.