Day174 Year2013B

Time: 1903hrs
Mood: Horrible, Betrayed



All I wanted was to live a quiet life.
Somewhere surrounded by greenery. Flowers. Trees.
Somewhere no human could disturb me.
Surrounded by animals and pets.
A peaceful life is what I want.
Where I could rest on the grass and look at the sky.
Where I can smell the air and cool off while dreaming.
I just wanted that place.
Even if I were alone.
By then, I won't feel the cold loneliness.
I won't hear the cruel lies.
I won't put up fake smiles.
Where I can be me without anyone's stares.
I wanted a place like that....
...from the bottom of my heart.
Truly.

And yet, reality is cruel.
It gives me cruel friends for companions.
It makes me enemies without a reason.
It turns life into HELL without asking for my opinion.

I hate it.
I don't want to hate, but I can't help it.
I love them but instead they betray that trust and that feeling.
My feelings were pure.
I just wanted people to stay by my side.
And yet they toss me aside.
They leave me alone.
They always do.

I want to kill myself.
That part that is kind and gentle.
It doesn't belong in this cruel,cruel world.
It would only make me a stepping stone for greedy individuals.
I have talents. I have strengths.
And yet I chose to use it for trash like them that doesn't even know how to appreciate me for me.

I want to die.
How can that "me" die?
I want to break.
This kind of false mask that is quietly hiding behind my smiles.

Kindness is weakness.
It makes people think that they can do what they like with you and expect you to smile despite that.
It makes even those truly weak individuals to think they can take you.
How pathetic.
Just because I have these lingering feelings.
Just because I don't want others to feel the kind of emotions I felt and still do.
Just because I didn't want to return to that darkness from before.
Without realizing that I'm still in the same kind of pit I was then.

How many people have I cried out for help?
How many times have I reopened my scars so that they may know this pain?
No one replied to my pleas.
No one looked back even though I fell in the dumps.
No one.
Not friends, not parents, not siblings, not relatives.
Not even a being called [ GOD ] came to comfort me.
No one noticed my pains.

I was alone as I was then.
I thought having friends would take the pain away.
I thought knowing love and falling in love would make me happy.
But no one felt my kind of love.
No one showed me kindness.
No one gave me happiness.
I only knew pain.
Even though I hated it so much.
It was the only thing that was presented to me in this life.
The pain of being alone and the pain of loneliness.
The pain of being left behind.
The pain of longing for warmth.
The pain of loving without being loved.
The pain of smiling despite being deeply scared.
The pain of not knowing why I was born.
And the pain of continually suffering in a life without meaning.

My wishes were simple.
It could be possible to grant.
For people to love and loved in return.
For them to stay by my side and not leave me.
To feel kindness in return.
To see a smile when I smile.
For them not to forget.
And to be appreciated.

They were simple wishes. Prayers if you want to call it that.
They could be granted easily.
They were free.
But....
....there's always a "but" in the end.

I want to give up now.

I think when I get a break from this current living condition and acquire a job, I can give up on these feelings.
I can throw away this kind of past and never let it repeat again.
My wish is the same as everyone else's.
I only wish for happiness.
And for that, I can throw away everything for a bright future.
What's to fear?
I have been alone all my life.
I made it so I can do everything on my own without relying on other people's help.
I'll be fine.

When that happens, you'll know.
I'll tell you my secret.
Because after that, I'll throw you away as you are part of the past I won't need.