Day97 Year2013

Time: 2056hrs
Mood: Sickly

Broad shoulders.
Wide arms.
Warmth.

A warmth I've never known.
And will never have.

Words spun in the midst of a tryst.
Would seem like lies to me.
But there is none to meet with.
Since there's no one to see.
And no one to speak of such things.
No special words for me.

Life is lonely for me.
I live for the sake of existing, and not living.
Love is foreign to me.
Since there's no one waiting out there in the world for someone such as I.

Words that are easily spoken.
Gestures of some men.
The hidden message behind their gaze.
Something I'll never know.
The meaning behind their simple words.
The kind of quip they mention but not intending to say straight.
Leaves me questioning for the meaning.
But I'll never know.
I'll never know.
Unless someone tells me otherwise.
In which none would care to tell.
Sadly. None at all.

I have the face. I have the smile. I have the attitude. Or whatever it is.
I have these things but none would approach me instantly.
I could feel their gazes brought down upon me. Observing and learning me.
But none would bother to talk to me.
I don't have the courage to speak my mind instantly.
I weigh and analyze my actions and move upon the best options.
I try to be what others would want.
To be appreciated. To be kind. To be nice and friendly.
But none would stay by me.
None would seem to care.

I'm always abused. Used. Stepped on. Taken advantage of.
I'm always someone that others can rely but not forever.
I feel lonely. Unhappy. Desolate and despaired.
No one understands me.
And no one accepts me wholeheartedly.

Why?
I wonder why?
Why won't they?

Men.
I don't understand you.
You speak as if you can like a girl based on their attitude.
But in reality what you seek is one with the proportion.
The body.
The face.
Screw funny.
What you want is to screw someone with the hourglass curves.
The one with a robust bust.
All you do is lie.
And I fall for those lies.

Men. Women.
I can never understand them.
Just when I thought I can hold grasp of their gestures and their words, it slips away.
Because every one is a LIAR at heart.
You can never get what you want.
You have to use someone.
Manipulate someone.
I can never trust mankind.
I have lost faith in them.
Men. Women. Adult. Children.
I've grown to HATE them.

Because no one loves me then I can never love anyone as well.
Because no one can see me, I don't bother to see the real them.
Because all I get is coldness. There's no point to give warmth.
I hate things because no one taught me how to love.