Day175 Year2013

Mood: Melancholy
Time: 1705hrs


Been feeling nostalgic lately.
I've rummaged past photo albums and I think in mental progress, I haven't passed the state of childhood as of yet. I'm still dreaming and yelling and throwing tantrums at how the world isn't kind or why things won't go my way. Even though others before me have endured and sacrificed to the standard of life and living they are enjoying now. Yes, all I do is whine about how I'm not blessed with material wealth when I don't go even bother working to get it. All I see is other people and not weigh my own. How pitiful being a child inside is. Despite having an adult's body, I still see my self as powerless and limit myself from the possibilities there are in this life.

I've started thinking this way.
After being in the dumps for so long, I think its about time to wake up and realize my true potential by battling out life head on. I'm always blaming others for my mistakes. Its because I'm alone and lonely that I feel helpless and left out. That I grow scared of going out and facing the world of grown-ups. Its hard having a child's way of thinking while being tossed to the real world. More so, since its been so long that I've come to get in term with such realization.

Looking around, I visited an acquaintance's page.
He's been dead for more than 40 days or so, but his memories still live on the people he's interacted with. If you know his page, you'd notice the countless posts of people with stories and pictures and you'd think he's still alive. I realized then how I'm living. What my page would look like when I'm dead. No one would bother cause I never really got to know that much people in my life. I never did that much things while I was alive. I won't be remembered for a long time even if I died. "How pitiful my life was," will be what others would see. I'm always lamenting life even before I've lived it. Always looking down instead of looking up.

I don't want such a scenery.
Even if I was who I am, I don't want to think that I lived my life in such a worthless way or spent the precious moments I had doing nothing. I don't want that. And yet, I am still powerless. Still shackled by my past and my weakness. I really should stop that. That kind of thinking. Even if everyone around looked down on me, I want to live life day-to-day with a smile on my face knowing that I enjoyed it without regrets.

I'm getting old.
Way past the limit I've set myself on.
Time won't wait for me to be ready. I should be ready even when I'm not. That's what I want and what I wish for right now. Since there's no one around I can rely on, I need only rely on myself. Yes. Just like I've always done. So please, if you exist, give me your blessing and help me get a job that I can work to.