Day24 Year2013

Mood: Flattered
Time: 2010hrs


Frankly, its been a while since I've written anything down here. Or anything on my personal journal, actually. Many things happened at the start of the new year. Week after week I became more and more occupied with personal things, and stuff.

To be honest, I feel like everyone around me has been needy recently. Though I don't mind at all the physical  contact being with friends entail; I think that people have been more open towards me and more trusting of me. Why, you ask? Because I don't think I deserve their praise and trust. If you have been reading my posts from the start, you'd notice how harshly I criticize and bash people, especially those around me. But this time its different. It may be because there is a feeling of "Guilt" accompanied. That I don't deserve anything good happening around me. I don't know why. It may be my shame or my "shyness" (yes, i didn't phrase that wrong) towards the kindness I am being showered with. I am so accustomed to being trampled on and walked all over that I've made it my source of strength negatively. My evil-mindedness needs these negativity to keep on going with the thought of revenge in mind. Yes....everything seems so new. Though it shouldn't be.

Especially this certain girl that's always at my side and thought she had put a leash on me. She reminds me of someone from my childhood that I've badly misjudged. Her kind was particularly opposite of what society termed as norm. I have misjudged her. But I still have these ill-feelings towards her. It is because my longing for freedom beats stronger than the feeling of warmth that is natural for her. Yes. I wanted freedom. No matter what form it may be for now. Even if it is the choice to do something I like from doing something I don't; I wanted to have the freedom to choose what I want without being forced to do it. The longing I have after being denied of it from birth stays strong inside me. It is my will to be free. And to be hindered to have that certain freedom; to be tied down and forced without my free will...I still cannot forgive that, no matter how much you lavish on me.

Even so, I have grown accustomed to her usual neediness while still trying to fully encrypt her true face being at her side. I have grasped it. Her childishness. Her frailty. Her beauty is real outside and inside. But her character is broken like a porcelain doll. She is broken inside. That is why it is easy to read and understand her. Our tastes may seem alike, but it isn't particularly true. She has a need to have everything. She likes to horde and prove that she's right all the time. Because then, people would listen to her. Unlike how she can't be heard at home. I can see her somewhat true form. But its not complete to me. At least all I have to do is wait a few more months and the chains that tie me to her will disappear. After a few more months, I will have no need to be tied down again.

On another note, my weird dreams keep becoming weirder by the day. I don't know what it wants to convey but just yesterday night's dream, I dreamt of running away from somewhere. It was dark. The night sky covered everything. The place was wet with cobblestones as floors. At first it was the medieval times. Inside a castle or something. I was dressed fancily but I could not remember the details of the clothing. I wanted to run away. I was with someone. We made it over the iron-clad fences like the ones from olden times and dove in something, like a pile of dried leaves or something. I told the one I was with to lay down and stay still as our bodies were covered from head-down. I could feel myself grasping for that person's hand (my left hand) just to make sure I had that person was beside me (was sure it was a she). Then I could feel the suitors run past us. I was relieved but I kept still. Enough not to be noticed. I think that was the ending part of the story.

Another part was about a sheriff. It was a woman. I was viewing that person like the games (3rd-person was it?) and following it everywhere. I could see the place. It was dirty but with some civility. The road was mud. But there were structures present. I followed her. I could see her back. She was wearing a police officer's clothes (blue like in America). She was being greeted by everyone. The people was physically deformed. One way or the other, they had some sort of deformity in them. The other with her hand. The other I thought to be normal had a large left feet. Some in their faces. But there was always something wrong with them. She then went inside a "karenderya-like" house. It was open and there was no door. She greeted the people there and they offered her some food. She wondered what it was made of and looked to one of them (a guy with deformity and fat) and he was preparing a bowl with human parts (hands, feet). She saw it and acted like it was normal. She then went to another person (a woman, maybe the mother) and saw a bowl with grounded body parts there. They were minced so much you'd hardly identify them as a human's. It was weird. And the thought of it being normal was weird. It has been a while since I've had any blood and gore in my dreams since years ago. It's too weird to be thinking of it now and acting like its NORMAL.