Day17 Year2016

Mood:    Downhearted
Time:  1525hours



For some reason, I've been having bad dreams only.
Its returned.
Bad dreams. Scary dreams.
But I'm used to it.

Last night I had a dream.
It was so realistic.
I like those kind of dreams.

This dream started somewhat with a woman.
She was hurt. A gush or wound on the stomach.
She's holding on to her stomach area.
She's dying. She's waiting for something. Someone maybe?
Someone is looking for her.
She's dead.
This one woman is looking for her frantically.
She's screaming.
She's like a detective or something.
SHe's looking for the wounded woman.
She/they find her. Dead.
She wails at the girl's death.
Then we point to the detective woman.
She's looking for the wounded one.
Scenes flicker here and there.
On a train.
The dead woman lies underneath a bridge or something.
Or like under a metallic ladder.
As the story progressed, it seems the wounded woman wasn;t alone.
They were kidnapped by terrorists or something. A group of them.
They died. They were found in some harbour or something. Dead. Poisoned.
There were two who weren't accounted for.
The wounded woman and another girl.
The detective goes here and there and looks for here. Scenes change.
Then she finds her dead.
She wails. She says that the wounded woman was kept as a sex-slave.
Raped for 5days. Tortured on a regular basis.
She cries. The detective woman was my ego. She is crying. Crying. Crying.....
Its so painful.
I can't see what happened to the woman in a more detailed image but all i could see was a dead woman lying down on the ground with the detective crying over her demise.
So sad. So sad. It was so sad.
Physically I wasn't crying but mentally I was.
So sad.

My life is so sad right now.
I want to die.
There is no meaning for me to live on.
But I can't.
I don't have the courage to take my own life.
Everyday life goes on. The same.
My world is getting smaller.
Noises annoy me.
I turn to a freaking paranoid.
I panic.
I have panic attacks.
My chest tightens and I can't breathe.
I wondered when it started that I've come to hate music.
Noise. SOunds. Utters. Tremors. Trembles.
They make me panic.
I want to run but i have nowhere to go.

I am awake but i am dreaming.
I fear the night.
My neighbors become noise monsters at night.
I hate it but I can't do anything.

Nothing goes right everyday.
I am dead.
I want to bury myself somewhere cool and quiet.
I want death.
But death doesn't want me.
NOr do the angels guide me or the devil want to make a contract with me.
His usual fervent contact with me in the past is nowhere to be found now.
Oh God, oh demon, kill me.
I can no longer function normally.
I am broken.
Completely broken.