Day180 Year2015

Mood:  Suicidal as always
Time: 1516hrs


Suicidal as always.
More so, again, today.
The cycle of being treated as a useless being in the family.
To be looked down on in contempt.
To be told I'm worthless despite my continuous efforts to be otherwise.
I'm tired of it all.

The kindness and appreciation I so look forward to in this household is nowhere to be found.
I had hoped, knowing that they are family and thus, I should be loved unconditionally but not.

I hate this place.
I want to run away from it all.
But the fear binds me.

I would've loved to kill myself by gunshot to the head but the fear cripples me.
More so than I thought.

I wanted to be free but to actually grasp freedom and to do with it once its attained.
I don't know what I would do with it then.

I just wanted to be loved.
To be appreciated.
To be respected.
But it is nowhere in sight.

God. If you exist. Why did you create me?
Why did someone like me born into this kind of world?
I've always thought a being like God is a worthless being because all He ever does is look down on His creations and watch them burn themselves into oblivion.
But if He did exist, I had only that question in mind.
Why did you create someone like me?

I'm always hated even if I don't do anything wrong.
If I do something right, I'm envied and hated even more.
I try to get out of this cycle of misfortune but whatever I do, I end up more unfortunate and miserable than ever.
No one understands me.
Not even me.

God, if you exist, take pity and save me.
If the devil exists, give me what I want in exchange for my soul.
I'm tired of living.
I'm tired of this never-ending cycle.
The people that I know around me dies with their loved ones mourning their demise.
Why can't I die already?
No one will miss me.
No one will cry and be sad.
Kill me instead of them.
They are kind people. The type that everyone will miss.
No one will miss me.
Why can't I give my remaining years to them instead and take their place?
Why can't I....