Day194 Year2013

Mood: Destitute
Time: 2055hrs


I'm at my usual place.
Trapped within the solace of this 4-walled room.
No one to talk to but myself and some pets.
I'm alone as I was born.

Earlier, I gazed upon my past logs in a blog somewhere.
There were notes like a journal log that I read.
It was just I was amazed at how well the sentences were formed despite claiming to be depressed.
Words were concise and understandable and the whole paragraph connected; like they made sense.

I always re-read my posts.
I try to make sure that I didn't leave any wrong words or misspelled them in any way.
Yet even so, the post, as a whole, was not complete.
It did not seem to point anywhere.
It did not make much sense.

That's when I figured that the current "me" was on the lowest of the low when it comes to morale.
I think this time, I'm 100% depressed and soon will be suicidal.
Or I already am, since just the other day, I challenged crossing the streets while the cars were moving fast and the back would almost hit me if I drew closer any further.
I just wanted to die now.
But I know such thing is not easy.
A suicidal-idiot may think that its easy to die, but its not.
Especially when every bone;every muscle; every fiber of your body senses that and tells you "you must live."
I know that feeling.
I am a coward when it comes to killing myself, but the times that I've encountered near-death experiences I've always ended up crying that I want to live.

*Sigh*
I never really get what I want.
Even in death, I can't take my own life whenever I want it.
This life. Just what is it in there that's worth living for?
If there are people in this world that many would mourn for; that many would cry over when they die; then why can't I give my useless life for their sake? At least some would be happy.
Every person is equal.
But my life is not.
It is always taken away from me.
If its really survival of the fittest, why don't they just let me die here and now?

I don't understand.
No one would understand me too.

So, why?
Why am I still alive?

For what?