Mood: Suicidal, depressed
Time: 1820hrs
Suicidal.
I dont think I've been this depressed before.
Eating non-stop at times or not eating at all.
I've skipped taking baths for 2-3 days onwards.
I'm even developing some dandruff. I dont have dandruff, EVER!
At one time during my birthday, I've seriously considered killing myself.
Sad that even though I know where my father's gun is, the magazine is not there and there's no bullets to be found. I've notified my parents of my intent to die but whenever I do tell them they don't care. How annoying that they are cautious at that point.
I wanna kill myself so bad.
I always keep a shiny, pointy knife beside my bed.
Planning on drinking pain relievers then stabbing myself in the heart.
The only problem is hesitation.
The pain will be much worse with hesitation.
You get hurt by hesitating.
I should do it when I've decided. Unhesitant. And sure.
Christmas is around the corner.
Father is growing old.
I'm still single and fat and alone.
No one cares about me.
I guess they'd care if I died.
No one cares about you until you become the topic of someone's gossip.
Why is it that people care more and appreciate you more when you're dead rather than when you were alive?
They compile regrets. Adding more and blaming themselves more after you're gone.
But i guess I'm not one to talk considering how much of a coward I am.
I have people I want to see.
People I wanna talk to.
People I wanna say thank you or hug more.
But I can't.
But at times when I have the courage, I do.
Not like them who care for themselves.
I care about the people around me more than I know they do about me.
How annoying life is....
No matter what I did, no matter how kind I become, life always gives me misery and pain.
I'm unlucky.
Useless. Empty.
Inside I'm empty.
How annoying.
I wanna die.
Thinking of how or when.
Right now would be good.
Maybe later in my sleep.
I got hold of 2 tablets of Risperidone.
I doubt it will do much to me since its not my medication but i dunno....
I'll take one in my sleep.
What will happen i wonder?
Will it give me more sleep or awaken me?
I dont know.
I just want to die.
Want to die.
Want to die.
want to die..........
God, if you won't give me relief in life, give me relief in death......
Im tired of this shit
Friday, December 9, 2016
Thursday, October 13, 2016
Day283 Year2016
Mood: Meh...
Time: 1355hrs
Too many things happening and at the same time none at all...
Last week, father's boss died. We just visited him on Sunday night on October 2nd at the hospital. He was old and frail and had suffered many complications. He was like a second father to my dad. He was a good person despite his nationality.
After Sunday, the next day he died. It was Monday noon time. Due to complications brought by fluids in his lungs. The day I saw him last, he was being transfused with blood. At the time, I had a feeling that that was the last time we'd saw him. I wanted them to have a commemorational picture but I was too shy to ask that of them. I regret that moment that will never be brought back. Therefore, I have promised myself to burn that moment in my memory as much as I could even though I new that moments like those burn fast in my mind.
We visited his wake on Tuesday night. We came back Thursday night again where a eulogy by his relatives ensued. It was a wonderful wake held in a luxurious funeral home known in our country. And on Friday last week, he was buried. Then did I learned that he was supposed to celebrate his birthday this coming Saturday. How unfortunate. Even so, he lived loving people and being kind and people loved him back. I hope he rests in peace.
I, on the other hand, am back to square one.
Longing, daydreaming and doing nothing here in the house.
So bored.
So annoyed.
So angry at the world and myself.
No matter how hard I try to find work, I can't.
It's been a year from now since I last had a job.
I don't know where my badluck emanates from.
Its just I have such bad luck searching for what I want.
I think I'll die like this.
Doing nothing and being no one of importance or worth.
I would just fade into everyone's mind as a distant memory. Someone not worth recollecting.
A vague shadow in the corner of their bright lives.
They are moving forward. Making babies and creating families of their own.
While here I am, getting old and fat, having no one to take care of when my parents die.
Therefore before and if that happens, I have made myself up to kill myself at that time.
How or when I won't know.
My life is useless anyway.
No one cares about someone like me.
Before I get hurt more, before I hurt others, its better to die by my hands.
Heaven or Hell.....life as of now is inferno.
Time: 1355hrs
Too many things happening and at the same time none at all...
Last week, father's boss died. We just visited him on Sunday night on October 2nd at the hospital. He was old and frail and had suffered many complications. He was like a second father to my dad. He was a good person despite his nationality.
After Sunday, the next day he died. It was Monday noon time. Due to complications brought by fluids in his lungs. The day I saw him last, he was being transfused with blood. At the time, I had a feeling that that was the last time we'd saw him. I wanted them to have a commemorational picture but I was too shy to ask that of them. I regret that moment that will never be brought back. Therefore, I have promised myself to burn that moment in my memory as much as I could even though I new that moments like those burn fast in my mind.
We visited his wake on Tuesday night. We came back Thursday night again where a eulogy by his relatives ensued. It was a wonderful wake held in a luxurious funeral home known in our country. And on Friday last week, he was buried. Then did I learned that he was supposed to celebrate his birthday this coming Saturday. How unfortunate. Even so, he lived loving people and being kind and people loved him back. I hope he rests in peace.
I, on the other hand, am back to square one.
Longing, daydreaming and doing nothing here in the house.
So bored.
So annoyed.
So angry at the world and myself.
No matter how hard I try to find work, I can't.
It's been a year from now since I last had a job.
I don't know where my badluck emanates from.
Its just I have such bad luck searching for what I want.
I think I'll die like this.
Doing nothing and being no one of importance or worth.
I would just fade into everyone's mind as a distant memory. Someone not worth recollecting.
A vague shadow in the corner of their bright lives.
They are moving forward. Making babies and creating families of their own.
While here I am, getting old and fat, having no one to take care of when my parents die.
Therefore before and if that happens, I have made myself up to kill myself at that time.
How or when I won't know.
My life is useless anyway.
No one cares about someone like me.
Before I get hurt more, before I hurt others, its better to die by my hands.
Heaven or Hell.....life as of now is inferno.
Wednesday, March 16, 2016
Day75 Year2016
Mood: Depressed
Time: 1206hrs
After some time of guessing which is my password out of the 3 or 4 major passwords I use in creating accounts, I've finally hit jackpot.
You do not know, but my computer's hard drive got damaged and it took 2weeks before I could send it for repairs. Which then took 3-4 days to be analyzed and repaired. So hard drive is destroyed/corrupted. All my files which I haven't backed up deleted. And my accounts which I save on my browser and passwords are history.
I have a storage in my brain and thankfully its still functioning.
Now I just lament at the fact that all my manga collection which I've rarely backed up is gone. The manga which I gathered 3years. The music collection, my pictures, my family photos, my important documents that I scanned. All destroyed.
Yes. Fuck.
That's what I said when my computer didn't open its windows. I prayed that the files are still intact, but LO! Praying did nothing and God did nothing of sorts. Yes. Fuck God as always.
I have a short term memory.
I forget the bad things and good things along with it almost instantly.
Its a sort of defense mechanism of my psychological and mental mind.
So that I won't get hurt anymore than I did.
I didn't post most of the pictures on facebook considering one of my family members is a wanted fugitive of the IR.So all those pictures that my family member is included is stored on the files of my previous hard drive/disk....well fuck....I've given up on life so with the occurance of such tragedy its only a matter of time before I walk out of this house and get myself killed or take my own life somewhere in a ditch out there.....
Getting tired of this life shit, you know?
Well, if you'd have only happy days, you wouldn't know, would you?
I know every one of us had our fair shares of trials and betrayals and regrets and such, but most people out there had "someone" they can rely on. That someone that will bear the pain with them. Those who will listen to them. But I, on the other hand, don't have those "someone".
All I do is bear my problems on my own, listen to my rants on my own, and get ignored and used by people who call themselves my "friend".
So yeah, you wouldn't know.
Anyway, I don't laugh as much.
All I do is whine and regret.
And wallow in self-pity and anger and depression......
Its my life, if you could call it that.
So understand my wish of killing myself.....
And that I be forgiven someday if I do succeed...
Time: 1206hrs
After some time of guessing which is my password out of the 3 or 4 major passwords I use in creating accounts, I've finally hit jackpot.
You do not know, but my computer's hard drive got damaged and it took 2weeks before I could send it for repairs. Which then took 3-4 days to be analyzed and repaired. So hard drive is destroyed/corrupted. All my files which I haven't backed up deleted. And my accounts which I save on my browser and passwords are history.
I have a storage in my brain and thankfully its still functioning.
Now I just lament at the fact that all my manga collection which I've rarely backed up is gone. The manga which I gathered 3years. The music collection, my pictures, my family photos, my important documents that I scanned. All destroyed.
Yes. Fuck.
That's what I said when my computer didn't open its windows. I prayed that the files are still intact, but LO! Praying did nothing and God did nothing of sorts. Yes. Fuck God as always.
I have a short term memory.
I forget the bad things and good things along with it almost instantly.
Its a sort of defense mechanism of my psychological and mental mind.
So that I won't get hurt anymore than I did.
I didn't post most of the pictures on facebook considering one of my family members is a wanted fugitive of the IR.So all those pictures that my family member is included is stored on the files of my previous hard drive/disk....well fuck....I've given up on life so with the occurance of such tragedy its only a matter of time before I walk out of this house and get myself killed or take my own life somewhere in a ditch out there.....
Getting tired of this life shit, you know?
Well, if you'd have only happy days, you wouldn't know, would you?
I know every one of us had our fair shares of trials and betrayals and regrets and such, but most people out there had "someone" they can rely on. That someone that will bear the pain with them. Those who will listen to them. But I, on the other hand, don't have those "someone".
All I do is bear my problems on my own, listen to my rants on my own, and get ignored and used by people who call themselves my "friend".
So yeah, you wouldn't know.
Anyway, I don't laugh as much.
All I do is whine and regret.
And wallow in self-pity and anger and depression......
Its my life, if you could call it that.
So understand my wish of killing myself.....
And that I be forgiven someday if I do succeed...
Sunday, January 17, 2016
Day17 Year2016
Mood: Downhearted
Time: 1525hours
For some reason, I've been having bad dreams only.
Its returned.
Bad dreams. Scary dreams.
But I'm used to it.
Last night I had a dream.
It was so realistic.
I like those kind of dreams.
This dream started somewhat with a woman.
She was hurt. A gush or wound on the stomach.
She's holding on to her stomach area.
She's dying. She's waiting for something. Someone maybe?
Someone is looking for her.
She's dead.
This one woman is looking for her frantically.
She's screaming.
She's like a detective or something.
SHe's looking for the wounded woman.
She/they find her. Dead.
She wails at the girl's death.
Then we point to the detective woman.
She's looking for the wounded one.
Scenes flicker here and there.
On a train.
The dead woman lies underneath a bridge or something.
Or like under a metallic ladder.
As the story progressed, it seems the wounded woman wasn;t alone.
They were kidnapped by terrorists or something. A group of them.
They died. They were found in some harbour or something. Dead. Poisoned.
There were two who weren't accounted for.
The wounded woman and another girl.
The detective goes here and there and looks for here. Scenes change.
Then she finds her dead.
She wails. She says that the wounded woman was kept as a sex-slave.
Raped for 5days. Tortured on a regular basis.
She cries. The detective woman was my ego. She is crying. Crying. Crying.....
Its so painful.
I can't see what happened to the woman in a more detailed image but all i could see was a dead woman lying down on the ground with the detective crying over her demise.
So sad. So sad. It was so sad.
Physically I wasn't crying but mentally I was.
So sad.
My life is so sad right now.
I want to die.
There is no meaning for me to live on.
But I can't.
I don't have the courage to take my own life.
Everyday life goes on. The same.
My world is getting smaller.
Noises annoy me.
I turn to a freaking paranoid.
I panic.
I have panic attacks.
My chest tightens and I can't breathe.
I wondered when it started that I've come to hate music.
Noise. SOunds. Utters. Tremors. Trembles.
They make me panic.
I want to run but i have nowhere to go.
I am awake but i am dreaming.
I fear the night.
My neighbors become noise monsters at night.
I hate it but I can't do anything.
Nothing goes right everyday.
I am dead.
I want to bury myself somewhere cool and quiet.
I want death.
But death doesn't want me.
NOr do the angels guide me or the devil want to make a contract with me.
His usual fervent contact with me in the past is nowhere to be found now.
Oh God, oh demon, kill me.
I can no longer function normally.
I am broken.
Completely broken.
Time: 1525hours
For some reason, I've been having bad dreams only.
Its returned.
Bad dreams. Scary dreams.
But I'm used to it.
Last night I had a dream.
It was so realistic.
I like those kind of dreams.
This dream started somewhat with a woman.
She was hurt. A gush or wound on the stomach.
She's holding on to her stomach area.
She's dying. She's waiting for something. Someone maybe?
Someone is looking for her.
She's dead.
This one woman is looking for her frantically.
She's screaming.
She's like a detective or something.
SHe's looking for the wounded woman.
She/they find her. Dead.
She wails at the girl's death.
Then we point to the detective woman.
She's looking for the wounded one.
Scenes flicker here and there.
On a train.
The dead woman lies underneath a bridge or something.
Or like under a metallic ladder.
As the story progressed, it seems the wounded woman wasn;t alone.
They were kidnapped by terrorists or something. A group of them.
They died. They were found in some harbour or something. Dead. Poisoned.
There were two who weren't accounted for.
The wounded woman and another girl.
The detective goes here and there and looks for here. Scenes change.
Then she finds her dead.
She wails. She says that the wounded woman was kept as a sex-slave.
Raped for 5days. Tortured on a regular basis.
She cries. The detective woman was my ego. She is crying. Crying. Crying.....
Its so painful.
I can't see what happened to the woman in a more detailed image but all i could see was a dead woman lying down on the ground with the detective crying over her demise.
So sad. So sad. It was so sad.
Physically I wasn't crying but mentally I was.
So sad.
My life is so sad right now.
I want to die.
There is no meaning for me to live on.
But I can't.
I don't have the courage to take my own life.
Everyday life goes on. The same.
My world is getting smaller.
Noises annoy me.
I turn to a freaking paranoid.
I panic.
I have panic attacks.
My chest tightens and I can't breathe.
I wondered when it started that I've come to hate music.
Noise. SOunds. Utters. Tremors. Trembles.
They make me panic.
I want to run but i have nowhere to go.
I am awake but i am dreaming.
I fear the night.
My neighbors become noise monsters at night.
I hate it but I can't do anything.
Nothing goes right everyday.
I am dead.
I want to bury myself somewhere cool and quiet.
I want death.
But death doesn't want me.
NOr do the angels guide me or the devil want to make a contract with me.
His usual fervent contact with me in the past is nowhere to be found now.
Oh God, oh demon, kill me.
I can no longer function normally.
I am broken.
Completely broken.
Friday, July 24, 2015
Day205 Year2015
Mood: Pissed off
Time: 1520hrs
So its the time of the month/year or something again.
The time I feared everyday for the past few weeks after my last encounter.
This fucked up place is rotten to the core.
All I want is some peace and quiet.
To be able to sleep and rest peacefully during the wee hours of the day.
But these fucking neighbors keep on pissing me off!
To make matters worse, the fucking government/official/people in charge of the peace and tranquility in this fucking place does nothing!
I really hate people.
I hate this government.
I hate humans!
I hate everything and everyone around me!!!
FUck! Fuck! FUCKKKKKKK!!!
And why why why do I have to endure???!
Why why why do I have to quietly accept this???!
Because I'm powerless!
Because I'm penniless!
Because the people around me are weak!
I hate it!
I hate it!
I hate this!
I hate suffering like this!
I fucking hate, hate hate it!!!
Die, die, die......
How do i die???
Last night i kept praying....
I kept asking for God to save me......
Save me, save me, save me from my misery......
But no God came....
No human came......
No one came for me.....
I did it myself...
I went to the officials myself.
I gathered enough courage to put my complaints but did those fucking people listen to me???!
NOO! NO! NO! NO!NO! NO! NO! NO!
Those fucking people. These fucking people! Every fucking people in this godless world!!
No one helped me!
I hate it. Hate it. hate it. hate it.
No one cares for me.
No one loves me.
No one tries to understand me.
Kill. Kill. kill.
I want to kill.
i want to kill people.
i want these vermin around me to die.
die. die. die.
i hate this.
hate this.
No matter how much i do my best nothing matters.
No one saves me.
There is no salvation for me.
Why is there a supposed GOD in this world when all he does is sit silent and still in wherever the fuck it is......
I hate you.
I hate you.
i hate you.
You who is supposed to be my salvation, i hate you.
I should've never come to know of something like you when you won't even spare me some of your time and grace and so-called mercy......
Fuck this world.
Why was I born in this world?
Why was i created?
why was i the one alive???!
I hate it. hate it. hate it.
i wanna die.
die
die
someone kill me
kill me
kill me
kill me.....
If anyone's reading this, please save me......
save me from my misery
i can't take it anymore
i don't want to become a monster
i dont want to kill or hurt anyone in the future
i dont want to hate any more than i do
save me
save me
save me
someone please save me..........
pleaseeeeeeee.......
please...........
Time: 1520hrs
So its the time of the month/year or something again.
The time I feared everyday for the past few weeks after my last encounter.
This fucked up place is rotten to the core.
All I want is some peace and quiet.
To be able to sleep and rest peacefully during the wee hours of the day.
But these fucking neighbors keep on pissing me off!
To make matters worse, the fucking government/official/people in charge of the peace and tranquility in this fucking place does nothing!
I really hate people.
I hate this government.
I hate humans!
I hate everything and everyone around me!!!
FUck! Fuck! FUCKKKKKKK!!!
And why why why do I have to endure???!
Why why why do I have to quietly accept this???!
Because I'm powerless!
Because I'm penniless!
Because the people around me are weak!
I hate it!
I hate it!
I hate this!
I hate suffering like this!
I fucking hate, hate hate it!!!
Die, die, die......
How do i die???
Last night i kept praying....
I kept asking for God to save me......
Save me, save me, save me from my misery......
But no God came....
No human came......
No one came for me.....
I did it myself...
I went to the officials myself.
I gathered enough courage to put my complaints but did those fucking people listen to me???!
NOO! NO! NO! NO!NO! NO! NO! NO!
Those fucking people. These fucking people! Every fucking people in this godless world!!
No one helped me!
I hate it. Hate it. hate it. hate it.
No one cares for me.
No one loves me.
No one tries to understand me.
Kill. Kill. kill.
I want to kill.
i want to kill people.
i want these vermin around me to die.
die. die. die.
i hate this.
hate this.
No matter how much i do my best nothing matters.
No one saves me.
There is no salvation for me.
Why is there a supposed GOD in this world when all he does is sit silent and still in wherever the fuck it is......
I hate you.
I hate you.
i hate you.
You who is supposed to be my salvation, i hate you.
I should've never come to know of something like you when you won't even spare me some of your time and grace and so-called mercy......
Fuck this world.
Why was I born in this world?
Why was i created?
why was i the one alive???!
I hate it. hate it. hate it.
i wanna die.
die
die
someone kill me
kill me
kill me
kill me.....
If anyone's reading this, please save me......
save me from my misery
i can't take it anymore
i don't want to become a monster
i dont want to kill or hurt anyone in the future
i dont want to hate any more than i do
save me
save me
save me
someone please save me..........
pleaseeeeeeee.......
please...........
Thursday, July 9, 2015
Day190 Year2015
Mood: S.A.D.
Time: 2131hrs
Here I am again. Alone in my room.
Grounded, as they say, even though I am already an adult.
In this country where familial ties are important and as the leecher that I am; I cannot leave this place on my own just yet.
I am grounded.
No internet.
I just loiter around the house watching cable all day.
It's raining.
There's a series of typhoons menacing our nation recently.
It still hasn't calmed down and the downpour keeps going and going without a sign of relief from Heaven.
I am alone again.
I have kicked the bitch that pesters around here in "my" room.
She is ridden with virus and intently spreads it around.
I don't want to catch its cold, especially cough, which gives me a hard time since I'm asthmatic.
I've told "it" countless times over to cover the mouth with cloth when coughing, but it doesn't fucking listen. I swear, one day, I'm gonna kill that fucking retard.
Better keep the newly bought, freshly sharp knife away from my hands.
Well, gonna bitch about life again....
So we have certain roles in the house.
Tasks, if you will.
I am tasked to cook, clean, do the laundry and some other things everyday since I am a fucking free loader, as my mother implies.
And my other sibling's task is to prepare our pet's meals, cook rice and go back to his games and eat and sleep and get lazy as much as that idiot fucking wants.
So when I get to cross the boundary of doing his fucking chores for him and getting screamed at my mother at the end of the day at how "lazy" and "fat-ass" I am...that really pisses me off since I know for a fact that I am not.
And here's the kicker...
Aside from being called useless despite the opposite, I get blamed for all the shitty things that happens in this fucking house.
Like if something goes missing, or something is broken, it's always ME!
Like, what the fuck bitch?! Am I the only person living in this house?
I have, like, 2 other siblings loitering in this place.
I love peace and quiet but then you just prance around and scream at me and blame me just because I'm always the person available that you see....
And so again, I'm quite the bitch if you are but mostly I'm an angel.
Out of the consideration and goodness of my heart, I volunteer to do stuff and buy food whenever there aren't any in the house. Like this one time I bought bread using money I've saved. But then you wake up that there's no more left even for you despite just having bought it and it should've sufficed until the day after but its gone. I go like, "what the fuck?" "Are those stomachs of yours bottomless?"
And we've just 4 people living in the house right now and its like, gone? Seriously??!
And being the person that I am, I am always forced to do manly stuff even though frankly, I am but one...and the only guy in the family (in us 3 siblings) is just sitting there in his ass eating whenever it goes hungry and playing games all day long.
I really hate injustice, especially if it happens to me.
I swear to myself to just fuck it and drop everything off since I get blamed anyway and I'm already useless in that fucked up mother's eyes, but then the compassionate side of me cannot overlook such things.....Ughhhh.......
Sometimes I wish I was born a bitch.
So I won't fucking care either way.
I've always lived not having what I want.
I've grown up not depending on anyone and doing things on my own.
But as long as I am in this house, under the roof of this fucked up family, and without power nor money to get out of this place; I am forced to grit my teeth and go along with the same old bullshit day after day after day until I do get a job of my own.....
Yeah, so I really fucking hate my life and there is no God to help me.
Not even friends nor relatives nor anyone for that matter.
Shit..........
Time: 2131hrs
Here I am again. Alone in my room.
Grounded, as they say, even though I am already an adult.
In this country where familial ties are important and as the leecher that I am; I cannot leave this place on my own just yet.
I am grounded.
No internet.
I just loiter around the house watching cable all day.
It's raining.
There's a series of typhoons menacing our nation recently.
It still hasn't calmed down and the downpour keeps going and going without a sign of relief from Heaven.
I am alone again.
I have kicked the bitch that pesters around here in "my" room.
She is ridden with virus and intently spreads it around.
I don't want to catch its cold, especially cough, which gives me a hard time since I'm asthmatic.
I've told "it" countless times over to cover the mouth with cloth when coughing, but it doesn't fucking listen. I swear, one day, I'm gonna kill that fucking retard.
Better keep the newly bought, freshly sharp knife away from my hands.
Well, gonna bitch about life again....
So we have certain roles in the house.
Tasks, if you will.
I am tasked to cook, clean, do the laundry and some other things everyday since I am a fucking free loader, as my mother implies.
And my other sibling's task is to prepare our pet's meals, cook rice and go back to his games and eat and sleep and get lazy as much as that idiot fucking wants.
So when I get to cross the boundary of doing his fucking chores for him and getting screamed at my mother at the end of the day at how "lazy" and "fat-ass" I am...that really pisses me off since I know for a fact that I am not.
And here's the kicker...
Aside from being called useless despite the opposite, I get blamed for all the shitty things that happens in this fucking house.
Like if something goes missing, or something is broken, it's always ME!
Like, what the fuck bitch?! Am I the only person living in this house?
I have, like, 2 other siblings loitering in this place.
I love peace and quiet but then you just prance around and scream at me and blame me just because I'm always the person available that you see....
And so again, I'm quite the bitch if you are but mostly I'm an angel.
Out of the consideration and goodness of my heart, I volunteer to do stuff and buy food whenever there aren't any in the house. Like this one time I bought bread using money I've saved. But then you wake up that there's no more left even for you despite just having bought it and it should've sufficed until the day after but its gone. I go like, "what the fuck?" "Are those stomachs of yours bottomless?"
And we've just 4 people living in the house right now and its like, gone? Seriously??!
And being the person that I am, I am always forced to do manly stuff even though frankly, I am but one...and the only guy in the family (in us 3 siblings) is just sitting there in his ass eating whenever it goes hungry and playing games all day long.
I really hate injustice, especially if it happens to me.
I swear to myself to just fuck it and drop everything off since I get blamed anyway and I'm already useless in that fucked up mother's eyes, but then the compassionate side of me cannot overlook such things.....Ughhhh.......
Sometimes I wish I was born a bitch.
So I won't fucking care either way.
I've always lived not having what I want.
I've grown up not depending on anyone and doing things on my own.
But as long as I am in this house, under the roof of this fucked up family, and without power nor money to get out of this place; I am forced to grit my teeth and go along with the same old bullshit day after day after day until I do get a job of my own.....
Yeah, so I really fucking hate my life and there is no God to help me.
Not even friends nor relatives nor anyone for that matter.
Shit..........
Monday, June 29, 2015
Day180 Year2015
Mood: Suicidal as always
Time: 1516hrs
Suicidal as always.
More so, again, today.
The cycle of being treated as a useless being in the family.
To be looked down on in contempt.
To be told I'm worthless despite my continuous efforts to be otherwise.
I'm tired of it all.
The kindness and appreciation I so look forward to in this household is nowhere to be found.
I had hoped, knowing that they are family and thus, I should be loved unconditionally but not.
I hate this place.
I want to run away from it all.
But the fear binds me.
I would've loved to kill myself by gunshot to the head but the fear cripples me.
More so than I thought.
I wanted to be free but to actually grasp freedom and to do with it once its attained.
I don't know what I would do with it then.
I just wanted to be loved.
To be appreciated.
To be respected.
But it is nowhere in sight.
God. If you exist. Why did you create me?
Why did someone like me born into this kind of world?
I've always thought a being like God is a worthless being because all He ever does is look down on His creations and watch them burn themselves into oblivion.
But if He did exist, I had only that question in mind.
Why did you create someone like me?
I'm always hated even if I don't do anything wrong.
If I do something right, I'm envied and hated even more.
I try to get out of this cycle of misfortune but whatever I do, I end up more unfortunate and miserable than ever.
No one understands me.
Not even me.
God, if you exist, take pity and save me.
If the devil exists, give me what I want in exchange for my soul.
I'm tired of living.
I'm tired of this never-ending cycle.
The people that I know around me dies with their loved ones mourning their demise.
Why can't I die already?
No one will miss me.
No one will cry and be sad.
Kill me instead of them.
They are kind people. The type that everyone will miss.
No one will miss me.
Why can't I give my remaining years to them instead and take their place?
Why can't I....
Time: 1516hrs
Suicidal as always.
More so, again, today.
The cycle of being treated as a useless being in the family.
To be looked down on in contempt.
To be told I'm worthless despite my continuous efforts to be otherwise.
I'm tired of it all.
The kindness and appreciation I so look forward to in this household is nowhere to be found.
I had hoped, knowing that they are family and thus, I should be loved unconditionally but not.
I hate this place.
I want to run away from it all.
But the fear binds me.
I would've loved to kill myself by gunshot to the head but the fear cripples me.
More so than I thought.
I wanted to be free but to actually grasp freedom and to do with it once its attained.
I don't know what I would do with it then.
I just wanted to be loved.
To be appreciated.
To be respected.
But it is nowhere in sight.
God. If you exist. Why did you create me?
Why did someone like me born into this kind of world?
I've always thought a being like God is a worthless being because all He ever does is look down on His creations and watch them burn themselves into oblivion.
But if He did exist, I had only that question in mind.
Why did you create someone like me?
I'm always hated even if I don't do anything wrong.
If I do something right, I'm envied and hated even more.
I try to get out of this cycle of misfortune but whatever I do, I end up more unfortunate and miserable than ever.
No one understands me.
Not even me.
God, if you exist, take pity and save me.
If the devil exists, give me what I want in exchange for my soul.
I'm tired of living.
I'm tired of this never-ending cycle.
The people that I know around me dies with their loved ones mourning their demise.
Why can't I die already?
No one will miss me.
No one will cry and be sad.
Kill me instead of them.
They are kind people. The type that everyone will miss.
No one will miss me.
Why can't I give my remaining years to them instead and take their place?
Why can't I....
Saturday, June 6, 2015
Day157 Year2015
Time: 0005hrs
Mood: Horny
Mood: Horny
"I'm horny!"
"So horny tonight~"
As the song goes, I am freaking horny as heck!
"So horny tonight~"
As the song goes, I am freaking horny as heck!
It's midnight and I'm watching porn all by my lonesome self.
It may be a physical need, but truthfully, I'm still a virgin.
I don't know how sex feels like.
It may be a physical need, but truthfully, I'm still a virgin.
I don't know how sex feels like.
I'm really envious of gays who can go all out and just pick someone up from nowhere.
I'm a little too shy around people, so I can't possibly do that sort of thing.
And the one thing that I don't have, money, is very important, it seems.
As I am aware, money = sex. Lols.
Anyway, back to my horniness...
Can't even find a freaking dildo in this conservative nation!
HIV is rampant but they prohibit sex toys? Hahahah!
It's the church that keeps on butting on everyone's business!
Telling the world what is and what is not right even though the government and the church should be separate matters and power.
It's the church that keeps on butting on everyone's business!
Telling the world what is and what is not right even though the government and the church should be separate matters and power.
I hate how the church of this nation preaches morality, when the priests are big perverts and pedophiles and most of them have families or children on the side.
They preach and preach with words and not action.
Just empty words as usual.
Just empty words as usual.
They even tried to excommunicate our President for approving the RH Law.
With the problem of overpopulation rampant and the deaths of pregnant mothers innumerable, they preach yet again. Unyielding and preaching only about things that were a fact 100 or 1000 years ago.
Back to my sexual needs...
I can't even imagine how people get their partners!
I see ugly people happily walking with someone in the streets.
I see ugly people happily walking with someone in the streets.
I hear fatties talk about their lovers.
Considering how I'm normal, I ask myself, "what the fuck is wrong with me?!"
"Why won't anyone choose me?!"
Fuck!
I'm so horny!
I want to lose my virginity asap!
I'm so horny!
I want to lose my virginity asap!
If this was a country somewhere in America, I can do it in a blink of the eye!
But no...this is the fucking country of the Philippines!
But no...this is the fucking country of the Philippines!
Or rather, I don't have the underground workings or knowledge or the right connections to get laid.
*sigh*
What does a dick taste like?
What does it feel to have cum inside of me?
Questions that I fear will remain as such, questions.
What does it feel to have cum inside of me?
Questions that I fear will remain as such, questions.
Maybe I wasn't meant to procreate so as to avoid another psychopathic lunatic like me in this world.
Or its just that money is everything that would even buy me all the happiness I will want (?).
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
Day147 Year2015
Time: 1415hrs
Mood: So-so
What can I say but, Hi, Hello, I'm still alive!
Even though I have suicidal thoughts, deep inside I am a coward and wish for others to end my life.
How could I do that, I wonder?
I was thinking of roaming the streets in the bad side of town and try to see if there are some scumbags who would try to mug me, rape me, or kill me all at the same time. I'm also considering the option of doing something nasty and letting the cops open fire at me. Yes, such ideations cross my mind every day.
I've thought and researched ways to die.
Suicide by jumping off a building doesn't give a 100% chance of death instantly.
You either end up alive in a lot of pain from broken bones or comatosed and still barely alive, but all together alive. Killing myself by slitting my wrists. No one dies from that instantly. Don't know why people choose to end their lives that way. It's too painful and too slow. You feel your life slip past you literally for hours or days. Stupid really.
Death by drinking poison.
Another painful way especially chemicals that would burn and rip your throat and esophagus as you try to breathe as nature intended it to be. Stupid again. Silver cleansers or acids? Fuck, that's definitely gonna hurt! And you don't die of that instantly again.
Well how about drowning?
Jumping off a bridge anyone?
Or how about by hanging yourself?
Either one of those that you try as long as you are conscious, would make your body writhe in pain and agony as it tries to fight for your life. The stronger your will to live or connection with life, the painful, harder and slower your death will be.
So that leaves me to sleeping pills.
Overdosing one's self should prove to be quite a euthanasia act.
But the problem here in my place is where to avail it?
Even in the black market, I know how difficult it is to attain abortion pills (from previous friend).
Besides, I'm not sure it is legally sold here in my country.
E-bay perhaps?
Not so sure...
I've seen sleeping pills, but they're ones which are so-called "organic" or "all natural", which doesn't have much side effects even if you overdose from them.
Yeah, so fuck.
What to do?
Frankly, even though we have a gun in the house and I freely hold it in my hands coz its just lying here or something, I don't have the guts to pull the trigger, knowing that all the fault will lie on the hands of the one whose name is registered for its gun license. Fuck, yeah, I have a conscience. So shut the fuck up.
Yeah, maybe I am just a coward.
I want to live but life is just full of pissed up circumstances and is fucking with me.
Yeah, shit.
Life sucks.
I can't wait forever for me to die of natural causes so I don't know what to do anymore...
Someone kill me already.
Mood: So-so
What can I say but, Hi, Hello, I'm still alive!
Even though I have suicidal thoughts, deep inside I am a coward and wish for others to end my life.
How could I do that, I wonder?
I was thinking of roaming the streets in the bad side of town and try to see if there are some scumbags who would try to mug me, rape me, or kill me all at the same time. I'm also considering the option of doing something nasty and letting the cops open fire at me. Yes, such ideations cross my mind every day.
I've thought and researched ways to die.
Suicide by jumping off a building doesn't give a 100% chance of death instantly.
You either end up alive in a lot of pain from broken bones or comatosed and still barely alive, but all together alive. Killing myself by slitting my wrists. No one dies from that instantly. Don't know why people choose to end their lives that way. It's too painful and too slow. You feel your life slip past you literally for hours or days. Stupid really.
Death by drinking poison.
Another painful way especially chemicals that would burn and rip your throat and esophagus as you try to breathe as nature intended it to be. Stupid again. Silver cleansers or acids? Fuck, that's definitely gonna hurt! And you don't die of that instantly again.
Well how about drowning?
Jumping off a bridge anyone?
Or how about by hanging yourself?
Either one of those that you try as long as you are conscious, would make your body writhe in pain and agony as it tries to fight for your life. The stronger your will to live or connection with life, the painful, harder and slower your death will be.
So that leaves me to sleeping pills.
Overdosing one's self should prove to be quite a euthanasia act.
But the problem here in my place is where to avail it?
Even in the black market, I know how difficult it is to attain abortion pills (from previous friend).
Besides, I'm not sure it is legally sold here in my country.
E-bay perhaps?
Not so sure...
I've seen sleeping pills, but they're ones which are so-called "organic" or "all natural", which doesn't have much side effects even if you overdose from them.
Yeah, so fuck.
What to do?
Frankly, even though we have a gun in the house and I freely hold it in my hands coz its just lying here or something, I don't have the guts to pull the trigger, knowing that all the fault will lie on the hands of the one whose name is registered for its gun license. Fuck, yeah, I have a conscience. So shut the fuck up.
Yeah, maybe I am just a coward.
I want to live but life is just full of pissed up circumstances and is fucking with me.
Yeah, shit.
Life sucks.
I can't wait forever for me to die of natural causes so I don't know what to do anymore...
Someone kill me already.
Sunday, April 19, 2015
Day109 - Year2015
Mood: Suicidal
Time: 0039hours
Sunday morning.
That fucking neighbor of mine is still partying.
It's his birthday it seems (technically, yesterday).
Hoping he dies like his bitch wife soon.
As usual, I hate this world.
I've called countless times to the barangay office complaining about the noise, to no avail.
"Kakumpare eh!" "Kakilala!" Where money talks more and its not what you know but "who you know" that matters more. This country of mine seems to be developing backwards and returning to the Spanish era of slavery. Only change is that countrymen enslave their own people. And the ones being stepped on are the penniless once more. This government that continues to ignore the true problems and busies itself on self-image and self-popularity. It's never-ending.
Again, I hate this world.
Seriously considering killing myself already.
The only question is, how?
I don't want to stab myself, slit my wrists, drink silver cleanser, drink any poison for that matter, drown or be run over by a bus.
Ah, but I heard of this one case where the customer died from drinking contaminated milk tea...and now I'm wondering where i can get my hands on that kind. Ah...but the police confiscated them for evidence...aww....
Only option is dying by sleeping pills or injecting myself with a muscle relaxant or something that will kill me in an instant.
Dying by blunt force trauma to the head doesn't sound as bad, thinking that if you get hit at the back of the head, its lights out and if you ever die from bleeding, there's a chance you won't feel a thing.
Hopefully.
*sigh*
Dying is so hard, especially if your attachment to life is strong.
I don't have much attachment to mine, as I feel not much pain from injuries like cuts or bruises.
So here's to wishing for a painless death!
Hope I die soon.... :)
Time: 0039hours
Sunday morning.
That fucking neighbor of mine is still partying.
It's his birthday it seems (technically, yesterday).
Hoping he dies like his bitch wife soon.
As usual, I hate this world.
I've called countless times to the barangay office complaining about the noise, to no avail.
"Kakumpare eh!" "Kakilala!" Where money talks more and its not what you know but "who you know" that matters more. This country of mine seems to be developing backwards and returning to the Spanish era of slavery. Only change is that countrymen enslave their own people. And the ones being stepped on are the penniless once more. This government that continues to ignore the true problems and busies itself on self-image and self-popularity. It's never-ending.
Again, I hate this world.
Seriously considering killing myself already.
The only question is, how?
I don't want to stab myself, slit my wrists, drink silver cleanser, drink any poison for that matter, drown or be run over by a bus.
Ah, but I heard of this one case where the customer died from drinking contaminated milk tea...and now I'm wondering where i can get my hands on that kind. Ah...but the police confiscated them for evidence...aww....
Only option is dying by sleeping pills or injecting myself with a muscle relaxant or something that will kill me in an instant.
Dying by blunt force trauma to the head doesn't sound as bad, thinking that if you get hit at the back of the head, its lights out and if you ever die from bleeding, there's a chance you won't feel a thing.
Hopefully.
*sigh*
Dying is so hard, especially if your attachment to life is strong.
I don't have much attachment to mine, as I feel not much pain from injuries like cuts or bruises.
So here's to wishing for a painless death!
Hope I die soon.... :)
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
Day351 Year2014
Time: 1438hrs
Mood: Welp..... -_-)
In front of the computer at home.
Getting bored again.
Father's here again.
Can't go to sites I want for it being R+ or so weird its just not for the general public's eyes, especially family members and parents.
I'm eating again...
This is the 3rd meal I've had for the day.
I'm supposed to be watching my weight go down not up and avoiding the foods I normally eat.
Pissed off somewhat since I was forced to eat rice this morning. And quite a lot.
Damn....damn me....
Yesterday, I had so many things planned for today, but it remains as such. Mere plans in my head.
I really have the habit of not going through with my plans, especially ones that are a pain in the ass or so boring that i could do it the next day. Need to change my lifestyle if i wanted to have some kind of life in the year to come. It's just that everyday is the same old day as yesterday, that its become a routine and so bothersome. I can't even think. It's just, like this, like this, like this like yesterday.
Phew....
I'm remembering the time I browsed through the net for some available "private service", me being like that 40 year old virgin, except for being 40. But still, a virgin for so long that I don't know anything with regards to intimate relationships that I've been thinking of paying for the experience. Which led me to realize that male gigolo fees are fucking high compared to the common female prostitute! What the fuck is with that?
Its not as if guys get pregnant or something for their asses to be much valuable than a woman's vagina.
And with women, guys could get to play with the front and the back, so its like a two-for-one sale, right?
But prostitute women get more violence and abuse from their patrons and get the least amount of payment compared to the guys. This is once more the difference with the genders and how women are looked and treated as the lesser one despite having to bear the shame doubly than males and bearing responsibility more than them. *sigh*
So yeah, fuck that.
When I'm done with my training, I'll think of a plan to be a man-whore killer sometime in the future.
Especially guys that cheat on their lovers. I wanna kill them so bad. Oh, well yes, my dear, I am a man hater. I am attracted to guys and want to get fucked by them but not to be beneath them. When and if ever i acquire a male partner in the future as well, he will be my submissive slave. If he ever leaves me, i expect him to leave his balls by the door before going out to find another person to fuck with. So to all the guys reading out there, I am quite the innocent little lamb on the outside so I do hope you have a good chance to not meeting me. But I assure you that I will be an ever faithful lover, sweet, kind, gentle and a kinky bed partner. Just don't order me around and don't try to be above me unless I let you~ <3
Mood: Welp..... -_-)
In front of the computer at home.
Getting bored again.
Father's here again.
Can't go to sites I want for it being R+ or so weird its just not for the general public's eyes, especially family members and parents.
I'm eating again...
This is the 3rd meal I've had for the day.
I'm supposed to be watching my weight go down not up and avoiding the foods I normally eat.
Pissed off somewhat since I was forced to eat rice this morning. And quite a lot.
Damn....damn me....
Yesterday, I had so many things planned for today, but it remains as such. Mere plans in my head.
I really have the habit of not going through with my plans, especially ones that are a pain in the ass or so boring that i could do it the next day. Need to change my lifestyle if i wanted to have some kind of life in the year to come. It's just that everyday is the same old day as yesterday, that its become a routine and so bothersome. I can't even think. It's just, like this, like this, like this like yesterday.
Phew....
I'm remembering the time I browsed through the net for some available "private service", me being like that 40 year old virgin, except for being 40. But still, a virgin for so long that I don't know anything with regards to intimate relationships that I've been thinking of paying for the experience. Which led me to realize that male gigolo fees are fucking high compared to the common female prostitute! What the fuck is with that?
Its not as if guys get pregnant or something for their asses to be much valuable than a woman's vagina.
And with women, guys could get to play with the front and the back, so its like a two-for-one sale, right?
But prostitute women get more violence and abuse from their patrons and get the least amount of payment compared to the guys. This is once more the difference with the genders and how women are looked and treated as the lesser one despite having to bear the shame doubly than males and bearing responsibility more than them. *sigh*
So yeah, fuck that.
When I'm done with my training, I'll think of a plan to be a man-whore killer sometime in the future.
Especially guys that cheat on their lovers. I wanna kill them so bad. Oh, well yes, my dear, I am a man hater. I am attracted to guys and want to get fucked by them but not to be beneath them. When and if ever i acquire a male partner in the future as well, he will be my submissive slave. If he ever leaves me, i expect him to leave his balls by the door before going out to find another person to fuck with. So to all the guys reading out there, I am quite the innocent little lamb on the outside so I do hope you have a good chance to not meeting me. But I assure you that I will be an ever faithful lover, sweet, kind, gentle and a kinky bed partner. Just don't order me around and don't try to be above me unless I let you~ <3
Friday, November 28, 2014
Day332 Year2014
Time: 1652hrs
Mood: Dejected
I am hopeless....
Or rather, I have lost hope.
My parents, try as they might, to make me do things or sign me up to do things, i always fail it in the end, thinking to myself, "what's the point?"
In the end, when we face death in the face, we will all die, and everything we've worked up to this point will vanish. Memories. Emotions. Feelings. Physical things.
Life will move on.
People will move on.
And your corpse will stay still 6 feet in the ground, letting everything else pass us by.
The End.
I can imagine it.
But as I am now, all i could do is wait for it to come.
Bored.
Everyday is boring.
Doing things is pointless.
I am merely entertaining myself until i see the end.
There is no point in living.
No one cares any way about how i live, much less how i die.
My friends won't understand.
They have far more other things and people to love and love them.
My parents won't understand.
They have too many problems relating to being an adult.
No one understands.
I've tried to tell others of my inner most thoughts, but as soon as they realize the blackness that is in my heart, they avoid, set their minds else where and ignore me.
No one does.
Even though I am not the only one bearing such pains in this world, this pain is mine alone.
These kind of burdens are mine alone.
Therefore, I can say with certainty...
...no one could possibly understand.
My fears. My sadness. The pain. The loneliness. The hate. The anger. The trust and betrayal.
The sorrow. The tears. The abhorition towards my own existence. No one will know.
These negative feeling that mixes and intertwines.
With a small hint of hope.
But that hope fades fast.
Clinging to religion, i find God a worthless existence and whose greatness exists in name alone.
Clinging to others warmth, I am filled with instant mistrust.
Hurt by past experiences, i distrust humans around me.
I hate them.
Hate them,
Hate me for being born as one of them.
Hate my parents for giving birth to such as I.
Hate me for not being able to kill myself.
Hate the fact that i cling to life as long as i have.
Hate everything.
Hate the world for not noticing.
Hate the people around me.
Hate the people that only need me when they need me.
Hate everything else.
Hate the people that hate me even though i have done nothing to them.
Hate this world and everything in it.
Want to destroy.
Wanting to kill.
Wanting to wreak havoc all around.
Wanting to destroy.
To destroy.
To destroy everything.
If ever the time comes that i commit a crime....
....I assure you, once will never be enough,
If ever the day comes that i have experienced the sweet taste of killing another human being....
....the next thing i'll do would be to kill again.
Until I am stopped in my tracks, I have i feeling that i'll kill again and again.
Until i get used to it.
Until I master it.
The sport of killing.
I will be a killer one day.
So if you don't want that to happen.....
...to avoid needless victims one day.....
.....kill me now.
Find me and kill me.
Mood: Dejected
I am hopeless....
Or rather, I have lost hope.
My parents, try as they might, to make me do things or sign me up to do things, i always fail it in the end, thinking to myself, "what's the point?"
In the end, when we face death in the face, we will all die, and everything we've worked up to this point will vanish. Memories. Emotions. Feelings. Physical things.
Life will move on.
People will move on.
And your corpse will stay still 6 feet in the ground, letting everything else pass us by.
The End.
I can imagine it.
But as I am now, all i could do is wait for it to come.
Bored.
Everyday is boring.
Doing things is pointless.
I am merely entertaining myself until i see the end.
There is no point in living.
No one cares any way about how i live, much less how i die.
My friends won't understand.
They have far more other things and people to love and love them.
My parents won't understand.
They have too many problems relating to being an adult.
No one understands.
I've tried to tell others of my inner most thoughts, but as soon as they realize the blackness that is in my heart, they avoid, set their minds else where and ignore me.
No one does.
Even though I am not the only one bearing such pains in this world, this pain is mine alone.
These kind of burdens are mine alone.
Therefore, I can say with certainty...
...no one could possibly understand.
My fears. My sadness. The pain. The loneliness. The hate. The anger. The trust and betrayal.
The sorrow. The tears. The abhorition towards my own existence. No one will know.
These negative feeling that mixes and intertwines.
With a small hint of hope.
But that hope fades fast.
Clinging to religion, i find God a worthless existence and whose greatness exists in name alone.
Clinging to others warmth, I am filled with instant mistrust.
Hurt by past experiences, i distrust humans around me.
I hate them.
Hate them,
Hate me for being born as one of them.
Hate my parents for giving birth to such as I.
Hate me for not being able to kill myself.
Hate the fact that i cling to life as long as i have.
Hate everything.
Hate the world for not noticing.
Hate the people around me.
Hate the people that only need me when they need me.
Hate everything else.
Hate the people that hate me even though i have done nothing to them.
Hate this world and everything in it.
Want to destroy.
Wanting to kill.
Wanting to wreak havoc all around.
Wanting to destroy.
To destroy.
To destroy everything.
If ever the time comes that i commit a crime....
....I assure you, once will never be enough,
If ever the day comes that i have experienced the sweet taste of killing another human being....
....the next thing i'll do would be to kill again.
Until I am stopped in my tracks, I have i feeling that i'll kill again and again.
Until i get used to it.
Until I master it.
The sport of killing.
I will be a killer one day.
So if you don't want that to happen.....
...to avoid needless victims one day.....
.....kill me now.
Find me and kill me.
Friday, September 12, 2014
Day255 Year2014
Time: 2137hrs
Mood: Fucking pissed off
Feeling unappreciated at home.
You see, ever since my fucking crazy sister returned to normal living society instead of banging her head on the wall of the house and asking whether at her age of 30 she'd have a family...I've been the all-around help in the house. Taking care of the pets, cooking, cleaning the dishes, doing laundry, cleaning the house and almost everything one could think of doing in the house....it's been quite a toll, even if you say I deserve it, being at the age that I am without having prior work experience....yes....that is possible in this age and time. Despite all those things, I am still not alone in the house. I have my fucking lazy brother whose only excuse for not working is because he doesn't FEEL like it. Even though he has easily acquired previous working experience necessary in this fucked up society, he rejects any work opportunities because of his fucking laziness. And still, even at home, he is a pampered brat just because he's a mama's boy and the youngest of us siblings. Fucking world.
And still....considering I do all the household chores then cooks my own meals after all those things...I'm still frowned upon as a lazy-ass fatty at home. My mother pushes all the hard work on me saying it'd be good to lose those "unwanted fat" on my body, and ignoring the fact that she still has a son that does nothing at home but eat, sleep and play all day. Fucking mortified with this family!!
I work...work...work around the house, being called ever so often to do something again and still I am the lazy one in this house??! What the fuck??!
When that bitch of a mother comes home and sees even the tiniest out-of-proportion stuff here and there, she goes berserk at me. Just because I stay downstairs where all she can see is me and her fucking son of that bitch is upstairs in his room playing and watching porn comfortably in his lair, only to be called down whenever dinner is ready.
Fuck it!
I hate this fucking house!
I hate this fucked up family!
I try to be nice.
I try to be good.
I try to be kind.
I was supposed to be the black sheep of this family.
I was supposed to be free and unchained.
I was supposed to be able to go wherever my heart wishes to be.
Do things. Be selfish. Rebel.
But why am I like this??
Why am I so kind. Comforting. Understanding.
When both my siblings do not even listen.
Do not even care.
Do not even worry if my parents are weary from work....
Why must I be the kind one?
I hate it. This feeling.
No one understands me in this house.
And yet all of them expect me to be understanding. To be good. To listen.
I hate these selfish people.
I hate being born in this house.
I hate being born in this family.
I hate being born in this life.
Mood: Fucking pissed off
Feeling unappreciated at home.
You see, ever since my fucking crazy sister returned to normal living society instead of banging her head on the wall of the house and asking whether at her age of 30 she'd have a family...I've been the all-around help in the house. Taking care of the pets, cooking, cleaning the dishes, doing laundry, cleaning the house and almost everything one could think of doing in the house....it's been quite a toll, even if you say I deserve it, being at the age that I am without having prior work experience....yes....that is possible in this age and time. Despite all those things, I am still not alone in the house. I have my fucking lazy brother whose only excuse for not working is because he doesn't FEEL like it. Even though he has easily acquired previous working experience necessary in this fucked up society, he rejects any work opportunities because of his fucking laziness. And still, even at home, he is a pampered brat just because he's a mama's boy and the youngest of us siblings. Fucking world.
And still....considering I do all the household chores then cooks my own meals after all those things...I'm still frowned upon as a lazy-ass fatty at home. My mother pushes all the hard work on me saying it'd be good to lose those "unwanted fat" on my body, and ignoring the fact that she still has a son that does nothing at home but eat, sleep and play all day. Fucking mortified with this family!!
I work...work...work around the house, being called ever so often to do something again and still I am the lazy one in this house??! What the fuck??!
When that bitch of a mother comes home and sees even the tiniest out-of-proportion stuff here and there, she goes berserk at me. Just because I stay downstairs where all she can see is me and her fucking son of that bitch is upstairs in his room playing and watching porn comfortably in his lair, only to be called down whenever dinner is ready.
Fuck it!
I hate this fucking house!
I hate this fucked up family!
I try to be nice.
I try to be good.
I try to be kind.
I was supposed to be the black sheep of this family.
I was supposed to be free and unchained.
I was supposed to be able to go wherever my heart wishes to be.
Do things. Be selfish. Rebel.
But why am I like this??
Why am I so kind. Comforting. Understanding.
When both my siblings do not even listen.
Do not even care.
Do not even worry if my parents are weary from work....
Why must I be the kind one?
I hate it. This feeling.
No one understands me in this house.
And yet all of them expect me to be understanding. To be good. To listen.
I hate these selfish people.
I hate being born in this house.
I hate being born in this family.
I hate being born in this life.
Monday, May 5, 2014
Day125 Year2014
Time: 1751hrs
Mood: Desolate,destitute,desperation
It's been a while, hasn't it?
Quite frankly, I'm amazed at how I can keep up with this life...
At the start of the year, what I thought would be continued peaceful days, drastically turned for the worse a couple of months later. Problems kept coming and arising out of nowhere that I couldn't keep up with it and "crashed". I know I've wished that one day, something would come that will "destroy" these boring days, but who would've thought it would come the way it did in my life?
It was swift and harsh.
Like a typhoon that sweeps away the things in its path.
Problems arose out of nowhere without warning.
I wanted it to come, thinking it would make me think twice at my life and in turn make me realize the path I want to take in the future. But it didn't.
It just brought me more DEsPAIR.
And alas...it woke up the "evil" within me.
I became more ruthless.
I became more angry and fierce to those around me.
Slowly, these problems brought out the "worst" in me.
Too much, that I don't think I can love myself anymore.
Any shred of dignity and love I hold for myself is gone.
I HATE ME.
But its alright.
I accept that ugly me.
I want to release all these pent up frustrations and hatred I've been accumulating.
I want to show this "DeviL" part of me.
I wasn't an angel in the first place.
I didn't sprout wings, merely wore one.
As a child, I had horns that stick out and poke everyone that comes close to me.
I was, from the beginning, a "problem child."
That is why, now that I'm gradually showing the real me, I don't want people to get shocked.
I'm not nice.
I am nice because I want to be.
But I don't want to be anymore.
Because even though I was nice, people hated me.
Even though I help other people, they never thank me.
They take my kindness for granted, thinking it was a given for someone like "me".
But it wasn't.
I wasn't.
It was merely because I was shown kindness that I want others to see it too.
Because I was presented gifts, I wanted others to have some too.
I was thought and molded from those days into the "buddha" you see before you.
But my shell is cracking.
My reason breaking.
I hated RULES in the beginning.
It is for those that had no self-being.
I am outside of that.
Because I am ME.
For good or BaD.
Mood: Desolate,destitute,desperation
It's been a while, hasn't it?
Quite frankly, I'm amazed at how I can keep up with this life...
At the start of the year, what I thought would be continued peaceful days, drastically turned for the worse a couple of months later. Problems kept coming and arising out of nowhere that I couldn't keep up with it and "crashed". I know I've wished that one day, something would come that will "destroy" these boring days, but who would've thought it would come the way it did in my life?
It was swift and harsh.
Like a typhoon that sweeps away the things in its path.
Problems arose out of nowhere without warning.
I wanted it to come, thinking it would make me think twice at my life and in turn make me realize the path I want to take in the future. But it didn't.
It just brought me more DEsPAIR.
And alas...it woke up the "evil" within me.
I became more ruthless.
I became more angry and fierce to those around me.
Slowly, these problems brought out the "worst" in me.
Too much, that I don't think I can love myself anymore.
Any shred of dignity and love I hold for myself is gone.
I HATE ME.
But its alright.
I accept that ugly me.
I want to release all these pent up frustrations and hatred I've been accumulating.
I want to show this "DeviL" part of me.
I wasn't an angel in the first place.
I didn't sprout wings, merely wore one.
As a child, I had horns that stick out and poke everyone that comes close to me.
I was, from the beginning, a "problem child."
That is why, now that I'm gradually showing the real me, I don't want people to get shocked.
I'm not nice.
I am nice because I want to be.
But I don't want to be anymore.
Because even though I was nice, people hated me.
Even though I help other people, they never thank me.
They take my kindness for granted, thinking it was a given for someone like "me".
But it wasn't.
I wasn't.
It was merely because I was shown kindness that I want others to see it too.
Because I was presented gifts, I wanted others to have some too.
I was thought and molded from those days into the "buddha" you see before you.
But my shell is cracking.
My reason breaking.
I hated RULES in the beginning.
It is for those that had no self-being.
I am outside of that.
Because I am ME.
For good or BaD.
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
Day337 Year2013
Mood: Dejected
Time: 2357hrs
Just finished watching this polish Movie titled "Suicide Room" and I wanna share some lines from the movie:
Actually, I don't understand people who kill themselves.
One's got to have courage to live. They are just cowards.
Narcissistic egoists who think the world revolves around them.
How can you give away the most precious gift you have?
How could you do it to yourself and your loved ones?
I don't understand that.
I don't want to.
You live to give to others as much as you can.
~Dominik, Suicide Room
Truth is (some spoilers), Dominik really didn't want to die.
If it weren't for his new found friend/love Sylvia, he wouldn't have the courage to get to school that time and flaunt his uniqueness around the people who mock him. They were just both lonely in their own way but even so, Dominik was much more full of life than Sylvia. I blame her for his death. Really, I do!
But even so, I understand.
I, too, am a shut-in.
I share Sylvia's pains and the real world scares me.
Even then, I have not given up on living reality.
I am sensitive, moreso than the normal person.
We both share a kindred heart.
And the same is true between her & Dominik and that is why they were attracted to each other.
Also, to rebuff his statements, here are some of mine:
Actually, I don't understand people who kill themselves.
[ You never will unless you have felt the same kind of pain we have.]
One's got to have courage to live. They are just cowards.
[If you were born into a world where the people around you treat you like you were never supposed to be born, I think you'll also want to kill yourself. And yes, we are cowards. Running away from the world and all the reality bullshit it entails. But have you thought how much "courage" it also takes to end one's life?]
Narcissistic egoists who think the world revolves around them.
[A bit, maybe. Cause all we can see is our pain. Cause we're bleeding. Inside.]
How can you give away the most precious gift you have?
[Because we never treated it like that. I thought you knew how selfish we are?]
How could you do it to yourself and your loved ones?
[If you really love them, you'd want to end their suffering as much as you do. So...
And I love myself enough to know how much I'm in pain so I need to end it.]
I don't understand that.
I don't want to.
[There you go! And you never will!]
I just don't like how that B*tch forcibly dragged Dominik in a corner.
If it were him, he had a much more fighting chance at life if only she said more encouraging words.
He was afraid, like she said. Afraid of the people he considered "friends" that have betrayed and hurt him deeply. He was looking for a guiding hand to point him in the right direction.
And this is why, people, you should CHOOSE your friends WISELY!
Coz crap like that ends up to the goodies that don't know shit!
Setting the movie aside, its been so long since I've jotted down anything, hasn't it?
I'm still living my life as a shut-in in this 4-walled room of ours (sharing it with sibling).
I've been in this house 24hrs/day, 7days/wk for months now.
Not seeing the sunlight nor breathing the fresh air.
It's been so long since I've talked with the opposite sex or felt the warmth of a touch.
I've grown to hate this world more.
I've also learned to hate crowds and people.
They irritate me.
I wanted to run away.
To escape from this prison called "HOME".
But where to? How?
I have no car nor money to travel.
I am growing old and feeble in this world.
The friends I've come to know are leaving me.
One-by-one, they build their own lives and family.
Soon, they will make offsprings and a new generation of them.
While I remain growing old, and rotting away from their memory.
I am dying.
The person I once were and the person I currently am is being erased from the people I've encountered.
They are becoming more focused with their lives and happy while I rot away in misery.
I don't know what I want.
Or rather, I know but I cannot.
I don't have that much courage with me.
I needed them to tell me if the things I am doing is wrong or right.
I needed people by my side to guide me.
To listen to me.
To understand me.
But in all my years of searching, NONE appeared before me.
Click to watch the Suicide Room
Time: 2357hrs
Just finished watching this polish Movie titled "Suicide Room" and I wanna share some lines from the movie:
Actually, I don't understand people who kill themselves.
One's got to have courage to live. They are just cowards.
Narcissistic egoists who think the world revolves around them.
How can you give away the most precious gift you have?
How could you do it to yourself and your loved ones?
I don't understand that.
I don't want to.
You live to give to others as much as you can.
~Dominik, Suicide Room
Truth is (some spoilers), Dominik really didn't want to die.
If it weren't for his new found friend/love Sylvia, he wouldn't have the courage to get to school that time and flaunt his uniqueness around the people who mock him. They were just both lonely in their own way but even so, Dominik was much more full of life than Sylvia. I blame her for his death. Really, I do!
But even so, I understand.
I, too, am a shut-in.
I share Sylvia's pains and the real world scares me.
Even then, I have not given up on living reality.
I am sensitive, moreso than the normal person.
We both share a kindred heart.
And the same is true between her & Dominik and that is why they were attracted to each other.
Also, to rebuff his statements, here are some of mine:
Actually, I don't understand people who kill themselves.
[ You never will unless you have felt the same kind of pain we have.]
One's got to have courage to live. They are just cowards.
[If you were born into a world where the people around you treat you like you were never supposed to be born, I think you'll also want to kill yourself. And yes, we are cowards. Running away from the world and all the reality bullshit it entails. But have you thought how much "courage" it also takes to end one's life?]
Narcissistic egoists who think the world revolves around them.
[A bit, maybe. Cause all we can see is our pain. Cause we're bleeding. Inside.]
How can you give away the most precious gift you have?
[Because we never treated it like that. I thought you knew how selfish we are?]
How could you do it to yourself and your loved ones?
[If you really love them, you'd want to end their suffering as much as you do. So...
And I love myself enough to know how much I'm in pain so I need to end it.]
I don't understand that.
I don't want to.
[There you go! And you never will!]
I just don't like how that B*tch forcibly dragged Dominik in a corner.
If it were him, he had a much more fighting chance at life if only she said more encouraging words.
He was afraid, like she said. Afraid of the people he considered "friends" that have betrayed and hurt him deeply. He was looking for a guiding hand to point him in the right direction.
And this is why, people, you should CHOOSE your friends WISELY!
Coz crap like that ends up to the goodies that don't know shit!
Setting the movie aside, its been so long since I've jotted down anything, hasn't it?
I'm still living my life as a shut-in in this 4-walled room of ours (sharing it with sibling).
I've been in this house 24hrs/day, 7days/wk for months now.
Not seeing the sunlight nor breathing the fresh air.
It's been so long since I've talked with the opposite sex or felt the warmth of a touch.
I've grown to hate this world more.
I've also learned to hate crowds and people.
They irritate me.
I wanted to run away.
To escape from this prison called "HOME".
But where to? How?
I have no car nor money to travel.
I am growing old and feeble in this world.
The friends I've come to know are leaving me.
One-by-one, they build their own lives and family.
Soon, they will make offsprings and a new generation of them.
While I remain growing old, and rotting away from their memory.
I am dying.
The person I once were and the person I currently am is being erased from the people I've encountered.
They are becoming more focused with their lives and happy while I rot away in misery.
I don't know what I want.
Or rather, I know but I cannot.
I don't have that much courage with me.
I needed them to tell me if the things I am doing is wrong or right.
I needed people by my side to guide me.
To listen to me.
To understand me.
But in all my years of searching, NONE appeared before me.
Click to watch the Suicide Room
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Day307 Year2013
Time: 1807hrs
Mood: Melancholic
I know.
After a wonderful and delightful day yesterday, I know I shouldn't mope and be bitter today. Even so, I am.
I just realized that after all these years, the people that I've looked down with my prideful spite are now being industrious and making a name for themselves. They are moving forward, doing the things not particularly that they like, but because they have to in order to live.
They are fortunate.
They have a vision.
A goal.
A dream they want to achieve.
I have no such things.
Neither do I have something I want to protect.
I only have my self.
I don't want that.
I don't want to live only for my sake.
Such selfish deeds are not like me.
My wish is more noble and more simple.
So simple that I thought it could be achieved.
Years pass by and I look into the pictures of my former classmates.
They have made families. Built houses. Work daily and live lively and cheerful lives.
They are not stuck in the past or rotting somewhere in a corner.
They are living and doing their best no matter what comes to them.
I, on the other hand, cannot.
I don't have my family's support.
I have no one's love behind my back.
I am alone now than before.
Why is that?
Yet, I still live.
Why is that?
I have (almost) dies countless times in the past.
Near-death (accidental) ones, but not completely dead.
Why is that?
Who and for what purpose am I being kept alive?
All I want was someone's words to tell me that its all right.
That I'm not alone.
That when the time comes that I fall, they would be there to help me stand again.
|Such certainty.
Such reassuring words.
Why have I not heard them in this lifetime?
And yet, I still continue to live.
Just because of my stubbornness to submit.
For what do I cling on to this life?
Why?
Mood: Melancholic
I know.
After a wonderful and delightful day yesterday, I know I shouldn't mope and be bitter today. Even so, I am.
I just realized that after all these years, the people that I've looked down with my prideful spite are now being industrious and making a name for themselves. They are moving forward, doing the things not particularly that they like, but because they have to in order to live.
They are fortunate.
They have a vision.
A goal.
A dream they want to achieve.
I have no such things.
Neither do I have something I want to protect.
I only have my self.
I don't want that.
I don't want to live only for my sake.
Such selfish deeds are not like me.
My wish is more noble and more simple.
So simple that I thought it could be achieved.
Years pass by and I look into the pictures of my former classmates.
They have made families. Built houses. Work daily and live lively and cheerful lives.
They are not stuck in the past or rotting somewhere in a corner.
They are living and doing their best no matter what comes to them.
I, on the other hand, cannot.
I don't have my family's support.
I have no one's love behind my back.
I am alone now than before.
Why is that?
Yet, I still live.
Why is that?
I have (almost) dies countless times in the past.
Near-death (accidental) ones, but not completely dead.
Why is that?
Who and for what purpose am I being kept alive?
All I want was someone's words to tell me that its all right.
That I'm not alone.
That when the time comes that I fall, they would be there to help me stand again.
|Such certainty.
Such reassuring words.
Why have I not heard them in this lifetime?
And yet, I still continue to live.
Just because of my stubbornness to submit.
For what do I cling on to this life?
Why?
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Interlude: Reminiscing the Past
Time: 0243hrs
Mood: Tranquil
Its morning.
The air is cold and the people all around are sleeping.
The music is shuffled and it plays a nostalgic tune.
Then I remember....
...my past.
As a child, I was mature for my age.
We lived in a simple and small house, surrounded by relatives on my father's side.
I usually conversed and hang out with the older people.
Its not as if there weren't children.
There were children among the neighbors, but we weren't that close.
They were more fond of my older sister and younger brother.
When I think about it, the children my age in par to me weren't available so I ended up being close to the adults or those older than me in some years.
I was a beastly child, according to the people that watched me grow.
I fought (physically) other children; I quarreled with them and mostly bullied those younger than me.
My family used to tease me and call me "Demonyita" or Demon-girl, they said, but I have no recollection of such things. Maybe because of my piercing stare and the unwillingness to bow down to anyone.
Now that I think about it, I've never been good associating with other people.
I never fully understood the laws of this world.
There was always a feeling of something "surreal" about everything.
Like its not really happening.
Like its not really my body.
Ever since I was a child, I felt like everyday was a dream.
That even if certain things happen, they won't matter much.
I don't know.
That's how it felt to me.
The only tranquility I could attain, that I could ascertain was the feeling of being surrounded by trees.
Beneath the trees, under the gentle rays of the sun, with the wind blowing the skirt off of me. Or at least enough to sway my thick hair over my shoulders.
Even now, I long for that kind of solace.
That kind of peace.
If I can't understand people, then there is no need to associate with them.
I want to live a life far from them.
Without the need to ask for the reasons as to "why" someone is what they are.
Without the need to understand the unreasonable.
Without the constant feeling of rejection.
I want to break away from this kind of world where man is the boss of this world.
......
Looking back once more, the reason why I act childish in this current form of mine is because of those repressed emotions back then.
I was forced to act accordingly, maturely, without the proper guidance from a mother.
Mother was strict and somewhat lazy on us.
Early mornings around 4, we wake up in bleak dawn.
I loved the feeling of the cold air damping my face and freezing my cheeks.
We were in grade 2 or 3 and mother won't wake up.
We siblings cook our own meal; frying eggs with a frightened and shaking hand.
Bathing ourselves.
Packing our stuff.
And around 5-5:30, wait for the guy (whose always LATE) to pick us up.
Flag ceremonies were held around 6am. 7 am our class starts.
Our school time is 6-12nn/12nn-6pm.
I wasn't in good terms with most of my classmates either.
I hate them, to be frank.
There were snobby and feeling all high & mighty children.
There were childish and idiotic children.
And there were quiet, and being child-like children.
I was among them.
But I usually spend the moments arguing for their sake and protecting them.
*sigh*
It really is in my nature, deshou?
There wasn't anyone in the past that would protect me, you see.
So I had to be strong.
Be independent.
Be understanding.
Ever since I was little...
Even though I couldn't understand them fully.
Even though I couldn't fathom why they do what they do.
Because no one will do it, you see...
...that I decided to carry that responsibility.
...that kind of burden.
But I am now tired.
I want to throw away my humanity.
I don't want to understand anyone anymore.
No one understands me.
So why should " I " have to care?
Mood: Tranquil
Its morning.
The air is cold and the people all around are sleeping.
The music is shuffled and it plays a nostalgic tune.
Then I remember....
...my past.
As a child, I was mature for my age.
We lived in a simple and small house, surrounded by relatives on my father's side.
I usually conversed and hang out with the older people.
Its not as if there weren't children.
There were children among the neighbors, but we weren't that close.
They were more fond of my older sister and younger brother.
When I think about it, the children my age in par to me weren't available so I ended up being close to the adults or those older than me in some years.
I was a beastly child, according to the people that watched me grow.
I fought (physically) other children; I quarreled with them and mostly bullied those younger than me.
My family used to tease me and call me "Demonyita" or Demon-girl, they said, but I have no recollection of such things. Maybe because of my piercing stare and the unwillingness to bow down to anyone.
Now that I think about it, I've never been good associating with other people.
I never fully understood the laws of this world.
There was always a feeling of something "surreal" about everything.
Like its not really happening.
Like its not really my body.
Ever since I was a child, I felt like everyday was a dream.
That even if certain things happen, they won't matter much.
I don't know.
That's how it felt to me.
The only tranquility I could attain, that I could ascertain was the feeling of being surrounded by trees.
Beneath the trees, under the gentle rays of the sun, with the wind blowing the skirt off of me. Or at least enough to sway my thick hair over my shoulders.
Even now, I long for that kind of solace.
That kind of peace.
If I can't understand people, then there is no need to associate with them.
I want to live a life far from them.
Without the need to ask for the reasons as to "why" someone is what they are.
Without the need to understand the unreasonable.
Without the constant feeling of rejection.
I want to break away from this kind of world where man is the boss of this world.
......
Looking back once more, the reason why I act childish in this current form of mine is because of those repressed emotions back then.
I was forced to act accordingly, maturely, without the proper guidance from a mother.
Mother was strict and somewhat lazy on us.
Early mornings around 4, we wake up in bleak dawn.
I loved the feeling of the cold air damping my face and freezing my cheeks.
We were in grade 2 or 3 and mother won't wake up.
We siblings cook our own meal; frying eggs with a frightened and shaking hand.
Bathing ourselves.
Packing our stuff.
And around 5-5:30, wait for the guy (whose always LATE) to pick us up.
Flag ceremonies were held around 6am. 7 am our class starts.
Our school time is 6-12nn/12nn-6pm.
I wasn't in good terms with most of my classmates either.
I hate them, to be frank.
There were snobby and feeling all high & mighty children.
There were childish and idiotic children.
And there were quiet, and being child-like children.
I was among them.
But I usually spend the moments arguing for their sake and protecting them.
*sigh*
It really is in my nature, deshou?
There wasn't anyone in the past that would protect me, you see.
So I had to be strong.
Be independent.
Be understanding.
Ever since I was little...
Even though I couldn't understand them fully.
Even though I couldn't fathom why they do what they do.
Because no one will do it, you see...
...that I decided to carry that responsibility.
...that kind of burden.
But I am now tired.
I want to throw away my humanity.
I don't want to understand anyone anymore.
No one understands me.
So why should " I " have to care?
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Day283 Year2013
Mood: Reminiscing
Time: 1911hrs
I remember the first time I saw a man's face in love.
It was my transfer student classmate.
We were lining in our Physical Education class and everyone was noisy and busy chatting with their friends when I saw it.
I saw how fixed his eyes were on her and her every movement.
How his eyes seemed to sparkle as he stared at her.
It was quite an enigma.
What could he have seen in her that made him so?
That "bitch" was all-around awful.
Her face is plain.
Her hair is pulled up in nanny style.
And her fucking personality plainly SUCKs since she's a BULLY!
Yeah, her team of bitches gang up on me thinking they're THAT great!
Fuck you bitch!!
That's why it was such a marvel to me.
How could THAT kind of human, or rather female specimen have guys falling for her??
She's freaking nasty!
Whichever angle you look.
That's why when I found out that that kind of look was that of a guy in love,
I swore I'd throw up when I see that kind of reaction towards another girl again...
Who'd have thought it would be on ME?(0_0)!!
Yes, I know.
I've known it for quite some time, but I am kind of a klutz when it comes to these things.
Well, you can't blame me.
In the span of my years living, no MAN has come up to my face and confess their feelings for me, so how was I supposed to know that that would be it?
I knew.
I saw how they change their attitude whenever they see me.
Not to boast but I DO have a nice face.
Just not blessed with the curves.
I knew how they come up trying to win my attention.
How their tone of voice softens whenever they talk to me.
I knew.
I saw.
I just ignored it.
I watched this one series where the girl watched how her classmate (guy) thought to be linked to her fell in love with her friend (girl). She was, of course, happy from the bottom of her heart. She wondered how it would feel like to have someone fall in love at first sight and probably confess to her even.
But due to circumstances, her life changed.
Her views with regards to life and love changed.
She had no time for such mundane things like falling in love.
So when a guy confessed to her, she could not respond accordingly.
I, too, wondered like her.
As her eyes glistened in amazement of such encounters to happen; mine glistened too, and happily awaited for such moment.
But unfortunately, I too like her, froze.
It was the first time I saw such a thing up close.
I didn't even know he existed.
He was incognito to me.
And yet, when I saw that expression on his face, I knew.
That like my classmate, he too, felt something.
Hopefully, for me.
He didn't confess.
I could see the changes in him whenever I'm around.
I knew deep down the meaning behind them.
But to avoid disappointment, I didn't ask.
I don't want to say anything.
Not as long as I still bear HATRED towards myself can I continue to not love.
And because I expect something that I can't be the first to ask.
Or say anything.
Please someone, tell me you love me.
All I see in myself are hateful things.
If you don't point out the things there is to love within me, then I won't see.
Please, love me.
Please, someone...
...love me.
Until I can still bear to live with myself.
Until I can still hope.
Love me.
Love me.
Because I can't LOVE myself anymore...
Time: 1911hrs
It was my transfer student classmate.
We were lining in our Physical Education class and everyone was noisy and busy chatting with their friends when I saw it.
I saw how fixed his eyes were on her and her every movement.
How his eyes seemed to sparkle as he stared at her.
It was quite an enigma.
What could he have seen in her that made him so?
That "bitch" was all-around awful.
Her face is plain.
Her hair is pulled up in nanny style.
And her fucking personality plainly SUCKs since she's a BULLY!
Yeah, her team of bitches gang up on me thinking they're THAT great!
Fuck you bitch!!
That's why it was such a marvel to me.
How could THAT kind of human, or rather female specimen have guys falling for her??
She's freaking nasty!
Whichever angle you look.
That's why when I found out that that kind of look was that of a guy in love,
I swore I'd throw up when I see that kind of reaction towards another girl again...
Who'd have thought it would be on ME?(0_0)!!
Yes, I know.
I've known it for quite some time, but I am kind of a klutz when it comes to these things.
Well, you can't blame me.
In the span of my years living, no MAN has come up to my face and confess their feelings for me, so how was I supposed to know that that would be it?
I knew.
I saw how they change their attitude whenever they see me.
Not to boast but I DO have a nice face.
Just not blessed with the curves.
I knew how they come up trying to win my attention.
How their tone of voice softens whenever they talk to me.
I knew.
I saw.
I just ignored it.
I watched this one series where the girl watched how her classmate (guy) thought to be linked to her fell in love with her friend (girl). She was, of course, happy from the bottom of her heart. She wondered how it would feel like to have someone fall in love at first sight and probably confess to her even.
But due to circumstances, her life changed.
Her views with regards to life and love changed.
She had no time for such mundane things like falling in love.
So when a guy confessed to her, she could not respond accordingly.
I, too, wondered like her.
As her eyes glistened in amazement of such encounters to happen; mine glistened too, and happily awaited for such moment.
But unfortunately, I too like her, froze.
It was the first time I saw such a thing up close.
I didn't even know he existed.
He was incognito to me.
And yet, when I saw that expression on his face, I knew.
That like my classmate, he too, felt something.
Hopefully, for me.
He didn't confess.
I could see the changes in him whenever I'm around.
I knew deep down the meaning behind them.
But to avoid disappointment, I didn't ask.
I don't want to say anything.
Not as long as I still bear HATRED towards myself can I continue to not love.
And because I expect something that I can't be the first to ask.
Or say anything.
Please someone, tell me you love me.
All I see in myself are hateful things.
If you don't point out the things there is to love within me, then I won't see.
Please, love me.
Please, someone...
...love me.
Until I can still bear to live with myself.
Until I can still hope.
Love me.
Love me.
Because I can't LOVE myself anymore...
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Day253 Year2013
Mood: Sleepy
Time: 2137hrs
It's night time.
I spend most of my hours connected through the internet as much as possible.
Mother has (tried) to detain us and despoil us of our only means of entertainment from this world.
The internet.
Can't blame her,though.
We HAVE overstayed our welcome from this world and we are expected to live adult lives.
Go outside.
Roam around.
Earn money.
Help with the family.
To put it simply, WORK!
It IS our fault in some way. We don't do our best and grovel for opportunities like a normal adult should be. We don't grab openings when there is one or even TRY. I think we were too sheltered from reality that now living the rest of the days inside a confined household is much better than going outside to "socialize" and be normal. We (siblings) were not normal from the start. Our kind of normal was the opposite from those around us. And because I don't want to be normal, that I chose to be the kind of abnormal human being I am now. Just much more depressed and suicidal.
I have tried to get a decent paying job.
But everywhere I go, its always BPO here, BPO there. Oh, BPO means Business Process Outsourcing or the famously Call Center line. Heck, I applied "frivolously" in the past. Even came to the point where I was handed some requirements and those LAST INTERVIEW, kind of shit. I didn't see it through to the end then and all I could come up as a reason was that I was still "studying". Yeah, I'm such an A**....
My point is, when I finished College, I immediately and hopefully looked for a job. I was so confident at my spoken and written English that I imagined myself getting hired after one application. So, imagine my disappointment when I heard from those fu*kng interviewers that the problem lies in my "ENGLISH". What the f*ck? Seriously??
So, yeah, I gave it some thought.
It was my first interview.
I was nervous.
Probably blabbered around about some shit or so.
And I applied again in some company.
And what now? You don't hire me because of my choice of Course in College??!
My spoken English was perfect. Great, even, and you disregard this fact in fear of dropping out of your company in just two years after working?!
What The F*ck!!?
Seriously?!
As if you think your current employees plan to stay there for even a year, you freak'g CUnT!
HONESTY my Fuc*ng ass...
Yes, you should avoid being TOO HONEST during interviews.
Those interviewers are too STUPID to recognize useful from useless with HONESTY in your character.
So, yeah.
Fu*k, people.
I've never been the same since.
Whether it was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity or such.
I disregarded those things right away.
Also, I HATE sleeping in the morning and awake in the evening.
It's too bright and hot to sleep during the day and its too fuc*ng boring to do any work during the night. Graveshift hours is the most FU*cKED up schedule E-V-E-R !!
So, yeah, I complain a lot.
But its not you people who will be working there.
It's not your time you'll be wasting.
It won't be your fake smile you'll be faking around other people.
Hell, do you even know how tiring it is to smile around shitty people that talks behind your back that you want to punch, kick or even slaughter but can't?!
Yeah. It won't be you.
So Shut the FucK up!
*cough*
*cough*
To continue, life is just a piece of shitty thing.
Even those horoscopes won't be much use as everyday becomes an UNLUCKY DAY.
I want to continue with my profession but can't.
These fucking hospitals even make you take up an EXAM and push an insane number of requirements, just so you can work there as a VOLUNTEER.
What the fuck is that?
You'll be toiling, get lectured, be cleaning people's shits up; with the probability of being spat in the face, bitten by an enraged Rabies patient, get stabbed by an infected needle, be sued for malpractice and high chance of getting your license revoked with the most minute error and for what? A certificate for EXPERIENCE without so much as a fucking pay.
Ha-Ha!
What a laugh...
So what?
You chose to confine yourself within the comforts of home, waiting for time to pass by and hoping someday you get killed accidentally since you're such a weak suicidal maniac that you can't even take your pitiful life?
Um, yeah.
That sounds about right.
So, yeah.
Don't bug me about work.
I won't say it out loud, but well, there you go.
Read all about it!
Time: 2137hrs
It's night time.
I spend most of my hours connected through the internet as much as possible.
Mother has (tried) to detain us and despoil us of our only means of entertainment from this world.
The internet.
Can't blame her,though.
We HAVE overstayed our welcome from this world and we are expected to live adult lives.
Go outside.
Roam around.
Earn money.
Help with the family.
To put it simply, WORK!
It IS our fault in some way. We don't do our best and grovel for opportunities like a normal adult should be. We don't grab openings when there is one or even TRY. I think we were too sheltered from reality that now living the rest of the days inside a confined household is much better than going outside to "socialize" and be normal. We (siblings) were not normal from the start. Our kind of normal was the opposite from those around us. And because I don't want to be normal, that I chose to be the kind of abnormal human being I am now. Just much more depressed and suicidal.
I have tried to get a decent paying job.
But everywhere I go, its always BPO here, BPO there. Oh, BPO means Business Process Outsourcing or the famously Call Center line. Heck, I applied "frivolously" in the past. Even came to the point where I was handed some requirements and those LAST INTERVIEW, kind of shit. I didn't see it through to the end then and all I could come up as a reason was that I was still "studying". Yeah, I'm such an A**....
My point is, when I finished College, I immediately and hopefully looked for a job. I was so confident at my spoken and written English that I imagined myself getting hired after one application. So, imagine my disappointment when I heard from those fu*kng interviewers that the problem lies in my "ENGLISH". What the f*ck? Seriously??
So, yeah, I gave it some thought.
It was my first interview.
I was nervous.
Probably blabbered around about some shit or so.
And I applied again in some company.
And what now? You don't hire me because of my choice of Course in College??!
My spoken English was perfect. Great, even, and you disregard this fact in fear of dropping out of your company in just two years after working?!
What The F*ck!!?
Seriously?!
As if you think your current employees plan to stay there for even a year, you freak'g CUnT!
HONESTY my Fuc*ng ass...
Yes, you should avoid being TOO HONEST during interviews.
Those interviewers are too STUPID to recognize useful from useless with HONESTY in your character.
So, yeah.
Fu*k, people.
I've never been the same since.
Whether it was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity or such.
I disregarded those things right away.
Also, I HATE sleeping in the morning and awake in the evening.
It's too bright and hot to sleep during the day and its too fuc*ng boring to do any work during the night. Graveshift hours is the most FU*cKED up schedule E-V-E-R !!
So, yeah, I complain a lot.
But its not you people who will be working there.
It's not your time you'll be wasting.
It won't be your fake smile you'll be faking around other people.
Hell, do you even know how tiring it is to smile around shitty people that talks behind your back that you want to punch, kick or even slaughter but can't?!
Yeah. It won't be you.
So Shut the FucK up!
*cough*
*cough*
To continue, life is just a piece of shitty thing.
Even those horoscopes won't be much use as everyday becomes an UNLUCKY DAY.
I want to continue with my profession but can't.
These fucking hospitals even make you take up an EXAM and push an insane number of requirements, just so you can work there as a VOLUNTEER.
What the fuck is that?
You'll be toiling, get lectured, be cleaning people's shits up; with the probability of being spat in the face, bitten by an enraged Rabies patient, get stabbed by an infected needle, be sued for malpractice and high chance of getting your license revoked with the most minute error and for what? A certificate for EXPERIENCE without so much as a fucking pay.
Ha-Ha!
What a laugh...
So what?
You chose to confine yourself within the comforts of home, waiting for time to pass by and hoping someday you get killed accidentally since you're such a weak suicidal maniac that you can't even take your pitiful life?
Um, yeah.
That sounds about right.
So, yeah.
Don't bug me about work.
I won't say it out loud, but well, there you go.
Read all about it!
Saturday, August 3, 2013
Day215 Year2013
Mood: Malaise
Time: 1836hrs
I've fallen.
To the depths of despair.
I'm lost.
And yet to be found.
I've watched the people around me.
Those that I've helped and supported no have left me.
I'm alone.
More so than before.
No one remembers me.
Like I never existed in the first place.
Then why, I wonder, was I born?
If there are people who's name is the same as mine.
If there are people who can do better than I.
Why, dear God, have I been brought up into this world?
I don't have what it takes to take up the problems of life.
I have no reason to live.
There is none who loves me.
No one cares about me.
No one appreciates me.
......
How ironic.
I smirk as I pause while typing.
My randomized playlist of music turns on the song by Katy Perry.
The song was Fireworks.
Dear God,
Is this your answer to my questions?
How laughable.
I know music has always been my source of comfort even before, but this...
..its just...
nothing.
I know.
All I do is rant and complain about how life is unfair and unkind.
I know there are others out there that is far worse condition than I am.
But still.
There were people around that helped them.
There was someone they could go to for help.
There were those that would try to understand them and hear them out.
In my case, there were few or none at all.
Because people are selfish.
Because this life is unkind.
Because it is as it is.
That living is a continuous pain and only those with power and money get to enjoy it.
I know.
I know very well the conditions a person has to have to live an ideal and peaceful life.
I know because I have none of the qualifications.
Because I am this kind of person.
Because I am me.
That people ignore me, forget me, use me then toss me aside.
I hate it.
Being the person I am.
I hate how I feel like I can do nothing about it.
How hopeless my view of life is.
And how weak I am for not even trying.
I want others to depend on me, but really, its me who depends on them.
Without someone telling me what to do, I get lost.
Confused.
Again, my playlist mocks me.
It's playing Evanescence's song.
The title,
Missing.
It's something I've been feeling lately.
It expresses my thoughts and emotions very honestly.
And still, no matter how much I sing it from the bottom of my heart...
...no one's missing me.
How very unfortunate of me.
Unfortunate indeed.
Time: 1836hrs
I've fallen.
To the depths of despair.
I'm lost.
And yet to be found.
I've watched the people around me.
Those that I've helped and supported no have left me.
I'm alone.
More so than before.
No one remembers me.
Like I never existed in the first place.
Then why, I wonder, was I born?
If there are people who's name is the same as mine.
If there are people who can do better than I.
Why, dear God, have I been brought up into this world?
I don't have what it takes to take up the problems of life.
I have no reason to live.
There is none who loves me.
No one cares about me.
No one appreciates me.
......
How ironic.
I smirk as I pause while typing.
My randomized playlist of music turns on the song by Katy Perry.
The song was Fireworks.
Dear God,
Is this your answer to my questions?
How laughable.
I know music has always been my source of comfort even before, but this...
..its just...
nothing.
I know.
All I do is rant and complain about how life is unfair and unkind.
I know there are others out there that is far worse condition than I am.
But still.
There were people around that helped them.
There was someone they could go to for help.
There were those that would try to understand them and hear them out.
In my case, there were few or none at all.
Because people are selfish.
Because this life is unkind.
Because it is as it is.
That living is a continuous pain and only those with power and money get to enjoy it.
I know.
I know very well the conditions a person has to have to live an ideal and peaceful life.
I know because I have none of the qualifications.
Because I am this kind of person.
Because I am me.
That people ignore me, forget me, use me then toss me aside.
I hate it.
Being the person I am.
I hate how I feel like I can do nothing about it.
How hopeless my view of life is.
And how weak I am for not even trying.
I want others to depend on me, but really, its me who depends on them.
Without someone telling me what to do, I get lost.
Confused.
Again, my playlist mocks me.
It's playing Evanescence's song.
The title,
Missing.
It's something I've been feeling lately.
It expresses my thoughts and emotions very honestly.
And still, no matter how much I sing it from the bottom of my heart...
...no one's missing me.
How very unfortunate of me.
Unfortunate indeed.
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