Day125 Year2014

Time: 1751hrs
Mood: Desolate,destitute,desperation



It's been a while, hasn't it?
Quite frankly, I'm amazed at how I can keep up with this life...

At the start of the year, what I thought would be continued peaceful days, drastically turned for the worse a couple of months later. Problems kept coming and arising out of nowhere that I couldn't keep up with it and "crashed". I know I've wished that one day, something would come that will "destroy" these boring days, but who would've thought it would come the way it did in my life?

It was swift and harsh.
Like a typhoon that sweeps away the things in its path.
Problems arose out of nowhere without warning.
I wanted it to come, thinking it would make me think twice at my life and in turn make me realize the path I want to take in the future. But it didn't.
It just brought me more DEsPAIR.

And alas...it woke up the "evil" within me.
I became more ruthless.
I became more angry and fierce to those around me.
Slowly, these problems brought out the "worst" in me.
Too much, that I don't think I can love myself anymore.
Any shred of dignity and love I hold for myself is gone.
I HATE ME.

But its alright.
I accept that ugly me.
I want to release all these pent up frustrations and hatred I've been accumulating.
I want to show this "DeviL" part of me.
I wasn't an angel in the first place.
I didn't sprout wings, merely wore one.
As a child, I had horns that stick out and poke everyone that comes close to me.
I was, from the beginning, a "problem child."
That is why, now that I'm gradually showing the real me, I don't want people to get shocked.
I'm not nice.
I am nice because I want to be.
But I don't want to be anymore.
Because even though I was nice, people hated me.
Even though I help other people, they never thank me.
They take my kindness for granted, thinking it was a given for someone like "me".
But it wasn't.
I wasn't.
It was merely because I was shown kindness that I want others to see it too.
Because I was presented gifts, I wanted others to have some too.
I was thought and molded from those days into the "buddha" you see before you.
But my shell is cracking.
My reason breaking.

I hated RULES in the beginning.
It is for those that had no self-being.
I am outside of that.
Because I am ME.

For good or BaD.