Day351 Year2014

Time: 1438hrs
Mood: Welp..... -_-)


In front of the computer at home.
Getting bored again.
Father's here again.
Can't go to sites I want for it being R+ or so weird its just not for the general public's eyes, especially family members and parents.

I'm eating again...
This is the 3rd meal I've had for the day.
I'm supposed to be watching my weight go down not up and avoiding the foods I normally eat.
Pissed off somewhat since I was forced to eat rice this morning. And quite a lot.
Damn....damn me....

Yesterday, I had so many things planned for today, but it remains as such. Mere plans in my head.
I really have the habit of not going through with my plans, especially ones that are a pain in the ass or so boring that i could do it the next day. Need to change my lifestyle if i wanted to have some kind of life in the year to come. It's just that everyday is the same old day as yesterday, that its become a routine and so bothersome. I can't even think. It's just, like this, like this, like this like yesterday.

Phew....
I'm remembering the time I browsed through the net for some available "private service", me being like that 40 year old virgin, except for being 40. But still, a virgin for so long that I don't know anything with regards to intimate relationships that I've been thinking of paying for the experience. Which led me to realize that male gigolo fees are fucking high compared to the common female prostitute! What the fuck is with that?
Its not as if guys get pregnant or something for their asses to be much valuable than a woman's vagina.
And with women, guys could get to play with the front and the back, so its like a two-for-one sale, right?
But prostitute women get more violence and abuse from their patrons and get the least amount of payment compared to the guys. This is once more the difference with the genders and how women are looked and treated as the lesser one despite having to bear the shame doubly than males and bearing responsibility more than them. *sigh*

So yeah, fuck that.
When I'm done with my training, I'll think of a plan to be a man-whore killer sometime in the future.
Especially guys that cheat on their lovers. I wanna kill them so bad. Oh, well yes, my dear, I am a man hater. I am attracted to guys and want to get fucked by them but not to be beneath them. When and if ever i acquire a male partner in the future as well, he will be my submissive slave. If he ever leaves me, i expect him to leave his balls by the door before going out to find another person to fuck with. So to all the guys reading out there, I am quite the innocent little lamb on the outside so I do hope you have a good chance to not meeting me. But I assure you that I will be an ever faithful lover, sweet, kind, gentle and a kinky bed partner. Just don't order me around and don't try to be above me unless I let you~ <3

Day332 Year2014

Time: 1652hrs
Mood: Dejected


I am hopeless....
Or rather, I have lost hope.
My parents, try as they might, to make me do things or sign me up to do things, i always fail it in the end, thinking to myself, "what's the point?"

In the end, when we face death in the face, we will all die, and everything we've worked up to this point will vanish. Memories. Emotions. Feelings. Physical things.
Life will move on.
People will move on.
And your corpse will stay still 6 feet in the ground, letting everything else pass us by.

The End.
I can imagine it.
But as I am now, all i could do is wait for it to come.
Bored.
Everyday is boring.
Doing things is pointless.
I am merely entertaining myself until i see the end.
There is no point in living.
No one cares any way about how i live, much less how i die.
My friends won't understand.
They have far more other things and people to love and love them.
My parents won't understand.
They have too many problems relating to being an adult.
No one understands.
I've tried to tell others of my inner most thoughts, but as soon as they realize the blackness that is in my heart, they avoid, set their minds else where and ignore me.

No one does.
Even though I am not the only one bearing such pains in this world, this pain is mine alone.
These kind of burdens are mine alone.
Therefore, I can say with certainty...
...no one could possibly understand.

My fears. My sadness. The pain. The loneliness. The hate. The anger. The trust and betrayal.
The sorrow. The tears. The abhorition towards my own existence. No one will know.
These negative feeling that mixes and intertwines.
With a small hint of hope.
But that hope fades fast.
Clinging to religion, i find God a worthless existence and whose greatness exists in name alone.
Clinging to others warmth, I am filled with instant mistrust.
Hurt by past experiences, i distrust humans around me.
I hate them.
Hate them,
Hate me for being born as one of them.
Hate my parents for giving birth to such as I.
Hate me for not being able to kill myself.
Hate the fact that i cling to life as long as i have.
Hate everything.
Hate the world for not noticing.
Hate the people around me.
Hate the people that only need me when they need me.
Hate everything else.
Hate the people that hate me even though i have done nothing to them.
Hate this world and everything in it.
Want to destroy.
Wanting to kill.
Wanting to wreak havoc all around.
Wanting to destroy.
To destroy.
To destroy everything.


If ever the time comes that i commit a crime....
....I assure you, once will never be enough,
If ever the day comes that i have experienced the sweet taste of killing another human being....
....the next thing i'll do would be to kill again.
Until I am stopped in my tracks, I have i feeling that i'll kill again and again.
Until i get used to it.
Until I master it.
The sport of killing.
I will be a killer one day.

So if you don't want that to happen.....
...to avoid needless victims one day.....
.....kill me now.

Find me and kill me.

Day255 Year2014

Time: 2137hrs
Mood: Fucking pissed off


Feeling unappreciated at home.
You see, ever since my fucking crazy sister returned to normal living society instead of banging her head on the wall of the house and asking whether at her age of 30 she'd have a family...I've been the all-around help in the house. Taking care of the pets, cooking, cleaning the dishes, doing laundry, cleaning the house and almost everything one could think of doing in the house....it's been quite a toll, even if you say I deserve it, being at the age that I am without having prior work experience....yes....that is possible in this age and time. Despite all those things, I am still not alone in the house. I have my fucking lazy brother whose only excuse for not working is because he doesn't FEEL like it. Even though he has easily acquired previous working experience necessary in this fucked up society, he rejects any work opportunities because of his fucking laziness. And still, even at home, he is a pampered brat just because he's a mama's boy and the youngest of us siblings. Fucking world.

And still....considering I do all the household chores then cooks my own meals after all those things...I'm still frowned upon as a lazy-ass fatty at home. My mother pushes all the hard work on me saying it'd be good to lose those "unwanted fat" on my body, and ignoring the fact that she still has a son that does nothing at home but eat, sleep and play all day. Fucking mortified with this family!!

I work...work...work around the house, being called ever so often to do something again and still I am the lazy one in this house??! What the fuck??!

When that bitch of a mother comes home and sees even the tiniest out-of-proportion stuff here and there, she goes berserk at me. Just because I stay downstairs where all she can see is me and her fucking son of that bitch is upstairs in his room playing and watching porn comfortably in his lair, only to be called down whenever dinner is ready.

Fuck it!
I hate this fucking house!
I hate this fucked up family!

I try to be nice.
I try to be good.
I try to be kind.

I was supposed to be the black sheep of this family.
I was supposed to be free and unchained.
I was supposed to be able to go wherever my heart wishes to be.
Do things. Be selfish. Rebel.

But why am I like this??
Why am I so kind. Comforting. Understanding.
When both my siblings do not even listen.
Do not even care.
Do not even worry if my parents are weary from work....
Why must I be the kind one?
I hate it. This feeling.
No one understands me in this house.
And yet all of them expect me to be understanding. To be good. To listen.

I hate these selfish people.
I hate being born in this house.
I hate being born in this family.
I hate being born in this life.

Day125 Year2014

Time: 1751hrs
Mood: Desolate,destitute,desperation



It's been a while, hasn't it?
Quite frankly, I'm amazed at how I can keep up with this life...

At the start of the year, what I thought would be continued peaceful days, drastically turned for the worse a couple of months later. Problems kept coming and arising out of nowhere that I couldn't keep up with it and "crashed". I know I've wished that one day, something would come that will "destroy" these boring days, but who would've thought it would come the way it did in my life?

It was swift and harsh.
Like a typhoon that sweeps away the things in its path.
Problems arose out of nowhere without warning.
I wanted it to come, thinking it would make me think twice at my life and in turn make me realize the path I want to take in the future. But it didn't.
It just brought me more DEsPAIR.

And alas...it woke up the "evil" within me.
I became more ruthless.
I became more angry and fierce to those around me.
Slowly, these problems brought out the "worst" in me.
Too much, that I don't think I can love myself anymore.
Any shred of dignity and love I hold for myself is gone.
I HATE ME.

But its alright.
I accept that ugly me.
I want to release all these pent up frustrations and hatred I've been accumulating.
I want to show this "DeviL" part of me.
I wasn't an angel in the first place.
I didn't sprout wings, merely wore one.
As a child, I had horns that stick out and poke everyone that comes close to me.
I was, from the beginning, a "problem child."
That is why, now that I'm gradually showing the real me, I don't want people to get shocked.
I'm not nice.
I am nice because I want to be.
But I don't want to be anymore.
Because even though I was nice, people hated me.
Even though I help other people, they never thank me.
They take my kindness for granted, thinking it was a given for someone like "me".
But it wasn't.
I wasn't.
It was merely because I was shown kindness that I want others to see it too.
Because I was presented gifts, I wanted others to have some too.
I was thought and molded from those days into the "buddha" you see before you.
But my shell is cracking.
My reason breaking.

I hated RULES in the beginning.
It is for those that had no self-being.
I am outside of that.
Because I am ME.

For good or BaD.