Day332 Year2014

Time: 1652hrs
Mood: Dejected


I am hopeless....
Or rather, I have lost hope.
My parents, try as they might, to make me do things or sign me up to do things, i always fail it in the end, thinking to myself, "what's the point?"

In the end, when we face death in the face, we will all die, and everything we've worked up to this point will vanish. Memories. Emotions. Feelings. Physical things.
Life will move on.
People will move on.
And your corpse will stay still 6 feet in the ground, letting everything else pass us by.

The End.
I can imagine it.
But as I am now, all i could do is wait for it to come.
Bored.
Everyday is boring.
Doing things is pointless.
I am merely entertaining myself until i see the end.
There is no point in living.
No one cares any way about how i live, much less how i die.
My friends won't understand.
They have far more other things and people to love and love them.
My parents won't understand.
They have too many problems relating to being an adult.
No one understands.
I've tried to tell others of my inner most thoughts, but as soon as they realize the blackness that is in my heart, they avoid, set their minds else where and ignore me.

No one does.
Even though I am not the only one bearing such pains in this world, this pain is mine alone.
These kind of burdens are mine alone.
Therefore, I can say with certainty...
...no one could possibly understand.

My fears. My sadness. The pain. The loneliness. The hate. The anger. The trust and betrayal.
The sorrow. The tears. The abhorition towards my own existence. No one will know.
These negative feeling that mixes and intertwines.
With a small hint of hope.
But that hope fades fast.
Clinging to religion, i find God a worthless existence and whose greatness exists in name alone.
Clinging to others warmth, I am filled with instant mistrust.
Hurt by past experiences, i distrust humans around me.
I hate them.
Hate them,
Hate me for being born as one of them.
Hate my parents for giving birth to such as I.
Hate me for not being able to kill myself.
Hate the fact that i cling to life as long as i have.
Hate everything.
Hate the world for not noticing.
Hate the people around me.
Hate the people that only need me when they need me.
Hate everything else.
Hate the people that hate me even though i have done nothing to them.
Hate this world and everything in it.
Want to destroy.
Wanting to kill.
Wanting to wreak havoc all around.
Wanting to destroy.
To destroy.
To destroy everything.


If ever the time comes that i commit a crime....
....I assure you, once will never be enough,
If ever the day comes that i have experienced the sweet taste of killing another human being....
....the next thing i'll do would be to kill again.
Until I am stopped in my tracks, I have i feeling that i'll kill again and again.
Until i get used to it.
Until I master it.
The sport of killing.
I will be a killer one day.

So if you don't want that to happen.....
...to avoid needless victims one day.....
.....kill me now.

Find me and kill me.

Day255 Year2014

Time: 2137hrs
Mood: Fucking pissed off


Feeling unappreciated at home.
You see, ever since my fucking crazy sister returned to normal living society instead of banging her head on the wall of the house and asking whether at her age of 30 she'd have a family...I've been the all-around help in the house. Taking care of the pets, cooking, cleaning the dishes, doing laundry, cleaning the house and almost everything one could think of doing in the house....it's been quite a toll, even if you say I deserve it, being at the age that I am without having prior work experience....yes....that is possible in this age and time. Despite all those things, I am still not alone in the house. I have my fucking lazy brother whose only excuse for not working is because he doesn't FEEL like it. Even though he has easily acquired previous working experience necessary in this fucked up society, he rejects any work opportunities because of his fucking laziness. And still, even at home, he is a pampered brat just because he's a mama's boy and the youngest of us siblings. Fucking world.

And still....considering I do all the household chores then cooks my own meals after all those things...I'm still frowned upon as a lazy-ass fatty at home. My mother pushes all the hard work on me saying it'd be good to lose those "unwanted fat" on my body, and ignoring the fact that she still has a son that does nothing at home but eat, sleep and play all day. Fucking mortified with this family!!

I work...work...work around the house, being called ever so often to do something again and still I am the lazy one in this house??! What the fuck??!

When that bitch of a mother comes home and sees even the tiniest out-of-proportion stuff here and there, she goes berserk at me. Just because I stay downstairs where all she can see is me and her fucking son of that bitch is upstairs in his room playing and watching porn comfortably in his lair, only to be called down whenever dinner is ready.

Fuck it!
I hate this fucking house!
I hate this fucked up family!

I try to be nice.
I try to be good.
I try to be kind.

I was supposed to be the black sheep of this family.
I was supposed to be free and unchained.
I was supposed to be able to go wherever my heart wishes to be.
Do things. Be selfish. Rebel.

But why am I like this??
Why am I so kind. Comforting. Understanding.
When both my siblings do not even listen.
Do not even care.
Do not even worry if my parents are weary from work....
Why must I be the kind one?
I hate it. This feeling.
No one understands me in this house.
And yet all of them expect me to be understanding. To be good. To listen.

I hate these selfish people.
I hate being born in this house.
I hate being born in this family.
I hate being born in this life.

Day125 Year2014

Time: 1751hrs
Mood: Desolate,destitute,desperation



It's been a while, hasn't it?
Quite frankly, I'm amazed at how I can keep up with this life...

At the start of the year, what I thought would be continued peaceful days, drastically turned for the worse a couple of months later. Problems kept coming and arising out of nowhere that I couldn't keep up with it and "crashed". I know I've wished that one day, something would come that will "destroy" these boring days, but who would've thought it would come the way it did in my life?

It was swift and harsh.
Like a typhoon that sweeps away the things in its path.
Problems arose out of nowhere without warning.
I wanted it to come, thinking it would make me think twice at my life and in turn make me realize the path I want to take in the future. But it didn't.
It just brought me more DEsPAIR.

And alas...it woke up the "evil" within me.
I became more ruthless.
I became more angry and fierce to those around me.
Slowly, these problems brought out the "worst" in me.
Too much, that I don't think I can love myself anymore.
Any shred of dignity and love I hold for myself is gone.
I HATE ME.

But its alright.
I accept that ugly me.
I want to release all these pent up frustrations and hatred I've been accumulating.
I want to show this "DeviL" part of me.
I wasn't an angel in the first place.
I didn't sprout wings, merely wore one.
As a child, I had horns that stick out and poke everyone that comes close to me.
I was, from the beginning, a "problem child."
That is why, now that I'm gradually showing the real me, I don't want people to get shocked.
I'm not nice.
I am nice because I want to be.
But I don't want to be anymore.
Because even though I was nice, people hated me.
Even though I help other people, they never thank me.
They take my kindness for granted, thinking it was a given for someone like "me".
But it wasn't.
I wasn't.
It was merely because I was shown kindness that I want others to see it too.
Because I was presented gifts, I wanted others to have some too.
I was thought and molded from those days into the "buddha" you see before you.
But my shell is cracking.
My reason breaking.

I hated RULES in the beginning.
It is for those that had no self-being.
I am outside of that.
Because I am ME.

For good or BaD.

Day337 Year2013

Mood: Dejected
Time: 2357hrs



Just finished watching this polish Movie titled "Suicide Room" and I wanna share some lines from the movie:

Actually, I don't understand people who kill themselves.
One's got to have courage to live. They are just cowards.
Narcissistic egoists who think the world revolves around them.
How can you give away the most precious gift you have?
How could you do it to yourself and your loved ones?
I don't understand that.
I don't want to.

You live to give to others as much as you can.

~Dominik, Suicide Room

Truth is (some spoilers), Dominik really didn't want to die.
If it weren't for his new found friend/love Sylvia, he wouldn't have the courage to get to school that time and flaunt his uniqueness around the people who mock him. They were just both lonely in their own way but even so, Dominik was much more full of life than Sylvia. I blame her for his death. Really, I do!

But even so, I understand.
I, too, am a shut-in.
I share Sylvia's pains and the real world scares me.
Even then, I have not given up on living reality.
I am sensitive, moreso than the normal person.
We both share a kindred heart.
And the same is true between her & Dominik and that is why they were attracted to each other.

Also, to rebuff his statements, here are some of mine:

Actually, I don't understand people who kill themselves.
[ You never will unless you have felt the same kind of pain we have.]
One's got to have courage to live. They are just cowards.
[If you were born into a world where the people around you treat you like you were never supposed to be born, I think you'll also want to kill yourself. And yes, we are cowards. Running away from the world and all the reality bullshit it entails. But have you thought how much "courage" it also takes to end one's life?]
Narcissistic egoists who think the world revolves around them.
[A bit, maybe. Cause all we can see is our pain. Cause we're bleeding. Inside.]
How can you give away the most precious gift you have?
[Because we never treated it like that. I thought you knew how selfish we are?]
How could you do it to yourself and your loved ones?
[If you really love them, you'd want to end their suffering as much as you do. So...
And I love myself enough to know how much I'm in pain so I need to end it.]
I don't understand that.
I don't want to.
[There you go! And you never will!]

I just don't like how that B*tch forcibly dragged Dominik in a corner.
If it were him, he had a much more fighting chance at life if only she said more encouraging words.
He was afraid, like she said. Afraid of the people he considered "friends" that have betrayed and hurt him deeply. He was looking for a guiding hand to point him in the right direction.

And this is why, people, you should CHOOSE your friends WISELY!

Coz crap like that ends up to the goodies that don't know shit!


Setting the movie aside, its been so long since I've jotted down anything, hasn't it?
I'm still living my life as a shut-in in this 4-walled room of ours (sharing it with sibling).
I've been in this house 24hrs/day, 7days/wk for months now.
Not seeing the sunlight nor breathing the fresh air.
It's been so long since I've talked with the opposite sex or felt the warmth of a touch.
I've grown to hate this world more.
I've also learned to hate crowds and people.
They irritate me.

I wanted to run away.
To escape from this prison called "HOME".
But where to? How?
I have no car nor money to travel.
I am growing old and feeble in this world.
The friends I've come to know are leaving me.
One-by-one, they build their own lives and family.
Soon, they will make offsprings and a new generation of them.
While I remain growing old, and rotting away from their memory.

I am dying.
The person I once were and the person I currently am is being erased from the people I've encountered.
They are becoming more focused with their lives and happy while I rot away in misery.
I don't know what I want.
Or rather, I know but I cannot.
I don't have that much courage with me.
I needed them to tell me if the things I am doing is wrong or right.
I needed people by my side to guide me.
To listen to me.
To understand me.

But in all my years of searching, NONE appeared before me.

Click to watch the Suicide Room

Day307 Year2013

Time:  1807hrs
Mood:  Melancholic



I know.
After a wonderful and delightful day yesterday, I know I shouldn't mope and be bitter today. Even so, I am.
I just realized that after all these years, the people that I've looked down with my prideful spite are now being industrious and making a name for themselves. They are moving forward, doing the things not particularly that they like, but because they have to in order to live.

They are fortunate.
They have a vision.
A goal.
A dream they want to achieve.

I have no such things.
Neither do I have something I want to protect.
I only have my self.

I don't want that.
I don't want to live only for my sake.
Such selfish deeds are not like me.
My wish is more noble and more simple.
So simple that I thought it could be achieved.

Years pass by and I look into the pictures of my former classmates.
They have made families. Built houses. Work daily and live lively and cheerful lives.
They are not stuck in the past or rotting somewhere in a corner.
They are living and doing their best no matter what comes to them.

I, on the other hand, cannot.

I don't have my family's support.
I have no one's love behind my back.
I am alone now than before.

Why is that?

Yet, I still live.

Why is that?

I have (almost) dies countless times in the past.
Near-death (accidental) ones, but not completely dead.

Why is that?

Who and for what purpose am I being kept alive?

All I want was someone's words to tell me that its all right.
That I'm not alone.
That when the time comes that I fall, they would be there to help me stand again.
|Such certainty.
Such reassuring words.

Why have I not heard them in this lifetime?

And yet, I still continue to live.
Just because of my stubbornness to submit.

For what do I cling on to this life?

Why?

Interlude: Reminiscing the Past

Time: 0243hrs
Mood: Tranquil



Its morning.
The air is cold and the people all around are sleeping.
The music is shuffled and it plays a nostalgic tune.
Then I remember....
...my past.


As a child, I was mature for my age.
We lived in a simple and small house, surrounded by relatives on my father's side.
I usually conversed and hang out with the older people.
Its not as if there weren't children.
There were children among the neighbors, but we weren't that close.
They were more fond of my older sister and younger brother.
When I think about it, the children my age in par to me weren't available so I ended up being close to the adults or those older than me in some years.

I was a beastly child, according to the people that watched me grow.
I fought  (physically) other children; I quarreled with them and mostly bullied those younger than me.
My family used to tease me and call me "Demonyita" or Demon-girl, they said, but I have no recollection of such things. Maybe because of my piercing stare and the unwillingness to bow down to anyone.

Now that I think about it, I've never been good associating with other people.
I never fully understood the laws of this world.
There was always a feeling of something "surreal" about everything.
Like its not really happening.
Like its not really my body.

Ever since I was a child, I felt like everyday was a dream.
That even if certain things happen, they won't matter much.
I don't know.
That's how it felt to me.

The only tranquility I could attain, that I could ascertain was the feeling of being surrounded by trees.
Beneath the trees, under the gentle rays of the sun, with the wind blowing the skirt off of me. Or at least enough to sway my thick hair over my shoulders.

Even now, I long for that kind of solace.
That kind of peace.
If I can't understand people, then there is no need to associate with them.
I want to live a life far from them.
Without the need to ask for the reasons as to "why" someone is what they are.
Without the need to understand the unreasonable.
Without the constant feeling of rejection.
I want to break away from this kind of world where man is the boss of this world.

......

Looking back once more, the reason why I act childish in this current form of mine is because of those repressed emotions back then.
I was forced to act accordingly, maturely, without the proper guidance from a mother.
Mother was strict and somewhat lazy on us.
Early mornings around 4, we wake up in bleak dawn.
I loved the feeling of the cold air damping my face and freezing my cheeks.
We were in grade 2 or 3 and mother won't wake up.
We siblings cook our own meal; frying eggs with a frightened and shaking hand.
Bathing ourselves.
Packing our stuff.
And around 5-5:30, wait for the guy (whose always LATE) to pick us up.
Flag ceremonies were held around 6am. 7 am our class starts.
Our school time is 6-12nn/12nn-6pm.

I wasn't in good terms with most of my classmates either.
I hate them, to be frank.
There were snobby and feeling all high & mighty children.
There were childish and idiotic children.
And there were quiet, and being child-like children.
I was among them.
But I usually spend the moments arguing for their sake and protecting them.
*sigh*
It really is in my nature, deshou?

There wasn't anyone in the past that would protect me, you see.
So I had to be strong.
Be independent.
Be understanding.
Ever since I was little...

Even though I couldn't understand them fully.
Even though I couldn't fathom why they do what they do.
Because no one will do it, you see...
...that I decided to carry that responsibility.
...that kind of burden.

But I am now tired.
I want to throw away my humanity.
I don't want to understand anyone anymore.
No one understands me.
So why should " I " have to care?

Day283 Year2013

Mood: Reminiscing
Time: 1911hrs

I remember the first time I saw a man's face in love.
It was my transfer student classmate.
We were lining in our Physical Education class and everyone was noisy and busy chatting with their friends when I saw it.

I saw how fixed his eyes were on her and her every movement.
How his eyes seemed to sparkle as he stared at her.
It was quite an enigma.

What could he have seen in her that made him so?
That "bitch" was all-around awful.

Her face is plain.
Her hair is pulled up in nanny style.
And her fucking personality plainly SUCKs since she's a BULLY!
Yeah, her team of bitches gang up on me thinking they're THAT great!
Fuck you bitch!!

That's why it was such a marvel to me.
How could THAT kind of human, or rather female specimen have guys falling for her??
She's freaking nasty!
Whichever angle you look.
That's why when I found out that that kind of look was that of a guy in love,
I swore I'd throw up when I see that kind of reaction towards another girl again...

Who'd have thought it would be on ME?(0_0)!!

Yes, I know.
I've known it for quite some time, but I am kind of a klutz when it comes to these things.
Well, you can't blame me.
In the span of my years living, no MAN has come up to my face and confess their feelings for me, so how was I supposed to know that that would be it?

I knew.
I saw how they change their attitude whenever they see me.
Not to boast but I DO have a nice face.
Just not blessed with the curves.

I knew how they come up trying to win my attention.
How their tone of voice softens whenever they talk to me.
I knew.
I saw.
I just ignored it.

I watched this one series where the girl watched how her classmate (guy) thought to be linked to her fell in love with her friend (girl). She was, of course, happy from the bottom of her heart. She wondered how it would feel like to have someone fall in love at first sight and probably confess to her even.

But due to circumstances, her life changed.
Her views with regards to life and love changed.
She had no time for such mundane things like falling in love.
So when a guy confessed to her, she could not respond accordingly.

I, too, wondered like her.
As her eyes glistened in amazement of such encounters to happen; mine glistened too, and happily awaited for such moment.

But unfortunately, I too like her, froze.
It was the first time I saw such a thing up close.
I didn't even know he existed.
He was incognito to me.
And yet, when I saw that expression on his face, I knew.
That like my classmate, he too, felt something.
Hopefully, for me.

He didn't confess.
I could see the changes in him whenever I'm around.
I knew deep down the meaning behind them.
But to avoid disappointment, I didn't ask.
I don't want to say anything.
Not as long as I still bear HATRED towards myself can I continue to not love.

And because I expect something that I can't be the first to ask.
Or say anything.

Please someone, tell me you love me.
All I see in myself are hateful things.
If you don't point out the things there is to love within me, then I won't see.

Please, love me.
Please, someone...
...love me.

Until I can still bear to live with myself.
Until I can still hope.

Love me.
Love me.

Because I can't LOVE myself anymore...