Day13 Year2013

Mood: Sad&Happy
Time: 2330hrs

In exchange for something, I paid something of an equal price.
The law of equivalent exchange that Ed usually mentions in the anime.....

But could this thing I've acquired worth the life of someone I hold dear to my heart? I don't know anymore. Even though I've manipulated and maneuvered my way to get what I want, there is always a price to pay. In which case, I think I lose far too much compared to what I've attained.

"Is it worth it?"
I've asked so many times.

Every time I lose something, I tend to forget everything about them as a means of my psychological self-defense. A means to protect my weak self. That is, to forget. What they look like. How they lived. What they were to me. Everything.

I forget.

Every time something dies in recompense for what I want, I erase their existence in my heart. Though I loved them dearly, or rather, because I love them so, that the only way I can move on is to forget. I'm sorry. I'm not strong enough to carry your thoughts with me. I'm sorry that I killed the only way your lives have lived within me. The thought of losing you. The reality that once I awaken the next day without you is unbearable. Tormenting. And yet, I cannot shed a tear. To lament your departing.

I really am weak.
Forgive me.
Goodbye.