Mood: Fickle
Time: 2023hrs
I have so many things in mind today. I want to do many things. I want to be occupied with countless random things. But at the end of the day, I could only do so much.
I woke up groggy in the early morning. Slept early last night too, with a headache. I will have 3days vacant this week then off to study again. I'm so bored with the usual repetition of the day. Sleep, eat, surf the net, eat then sleep again. I want to do something that matters. Though really, in the long run, these things I am collecting will matter when the time comes. Its just that I want to do something wherein I can see immediately the fruit of my labor. Yes, I know there are only a few things possible at that short span of time, but even so, I want something that would drive my name into history. Something that I can see, not when I'm gone and dead. But whenever I do try something, I become lost at self-pity and inferiority complex while comparing myself with all the other people around. And when that happens, I think that nothing matters then, whatever I do.
Also, whenever I want something and get that something, I realize that its not really that important and get bored in the end. At most, I even destroy that thing because I find it useless to me. I get bored easily so I'm never satiated or satisfied at the things that I do have. Its human nature, I guess.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Day26 Year2013
Mood: Somnolent
Time: 2219hrs
Reading some stuff, I am reminded of things of the past. In my mind, I think of the hurtful things that tear my heart apart. And with that, I realize that no matter how hard I try to hide the hurt; deep inside it still remains. As time passed, thinking that it would heal on its own, I let it be. But the wounds inflicted on the soul/heart can never heal without the proper tools like "forgiveness" or "apology". Therefore, every cut or bruise inflicted on that part will never vanish as long as the healing process doesn't begin.
"It hurts."
I can never deny that feeling. I let it fuel myself for vengeance. This pain will make me awake from the truth that I am vindictive by nature. I can't rest well so long as the people that inflicted this pain is conscience-free. And just so that I can live day-by-day as if nothing happened, I push it in. Deeper, deeper, inside of me. So that I can function properly. And it piles up. The more I keep it in, the more it destroys me inside. This pain cannot be turned away now.
"It hurts."
I can't breathe. Even in dreams it haunts me. It manifests in reality. Made me sad. Made me cry while sleeping. It cannot be contained anymore.
Let me bleed. Let the wounds from this heart bleed out. It has become infected and needs to be drained out. Let it ooze along with the blood. For if not, it will be "poison" that eats me inside. Let it bleed out. Inside I am screaming as I panic and scratch at my infected heart.
I am always letting things pass by. Trying to be kind and forgiving. And yet these overwhelming thoughts starts to flow out. It can no longer be contained. I want to see blood. I want it to bleed. Bleed it out.
Time: 2219hrs
Reading some stuff, I am reminded of things of the past. In my mind, I think of the hurtful things that tear my heart apart. And with that, I realize that no matter how hard I try to hide the hurt; deep inside it still remains. As time passed, thinking that it would heal on its own, I let it be. But the wounds inflicted on the soul/heart can never heal without the proper tools like "forgiveness" or "apology". Therefore, every cut or bruise inflicted on that part will never vanish as long as the healing process doesn't begin.
"It hurts."
I can never deny that feeling. I let it fuel myself for vengeance. This pain will make me awake from the truth that I am vindictive by nature. I can't rest well so long as the people that inflicted this pain is conscience-free. And just so that I can live day-by-day as if nothing happened, I push it in. Deeper, deeper, inside of me. So that I can function properly. And it piles up. The more I keep it in, the more it destroys me inside. This pain cannot be turned away now.
"It hurts."
I can't breathe. Even in dreams it haunts me. It manifests in reality. Made me sad. Made me cry while sleeping. It cannot be contained anymore.
Let me bleed. Let the wounds from this heart bleed out. It has become infected and needs to be drained out. Let it ooze along with the blood. For if not, it will be "poison" that eats me inside. Let it bleed out. Inside I am screaming as I panic and scratch at my infected heart.
I am always letting things pass by. Trying to be kind and forgiving. And yet these overwhelming thoughts starts to flow out. It can no longer be contained. I want to see blood. I want it to bleed. Bleed it out.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Day24 Year2013
Mood: Flattered
Time: 2010hrs
Frankly, its been a while since I've written anything down here. Or anything on my personal journal, actually. Many things happened at the start of the new year. Week after week I became more and more occupied with personal things, and stuff.
To be honest, I feel like everyone around me has been needy recently. Though I don't mind at all the physical contact being with friends entail; I think that people have been more open towards me and more trusting of me. Why, you ask? Because I don't think I deserve their praise and trust. If you have been reading my posts from the start, you'd notice how harshly I criticize and bash people, especially those around me. But this time its different. It may be because there is a feeling of "Guilt" accompanied. That I don't deserve anything good happening around me. I don't know why. It may be my shame or my "shyness" (yes, i didn't phrase that wrong) towards the kindness I am being showered with. I am so accustomed to being trampled on and walked all over that I've made it my source of strength negatively. My evil-mindedness needs these negativity to keep on going with the thought of revenge in mind. Yes....everything seems so new. Though it shouldn't be.
Especially this certain girl that's always at my side and thought she had put a leash on me. She reminds me of someone from my childhood that I've badly misjudged. Her kind was particularly opposite of what society termed as norm. I have misjudged her. But I still have these ill-feelings towards her. It is because my longing for freedom beats stronger than the feeling of warmth that is natural for her. Yes. I wanted freedom. No matter what form it may be for now. Even if it is the choice to do something I like from doing something I don't; I wanted to have the freedom to choose what I want without being forced to do it. The longing I have after being denied of it from birth stays strong inside me. It is my will to be free. And to be hindered to have that certain freedom; to be tied down and forced without my free will...I still cannot forgive that, no matter how much you lavish on me.
Even so, I have grown accustomed to her usual neediness while still trying to fully encrypt her true face being at her side. I have grasped it. Her childishness. Her frailty. Her beauty is real outside and inside. But her character is broken like a porcelain doll. She is broken inside. That is why it is easy to read and understand her. Our tastes may seem alike, but it isn't particularly true. She has a need to have everything. She likes to horde and prove that she's right all the time. Because then, people would listen to her. Unlike how she can't be heard at home. I can see her somewhat true form. But its not complete to me. At least all I have to do is wait a few more months and the chains that tie me to her will disappear. After a few more months, I will have no need to be tied down again.
On another note, my weird dreams keep becoming weirder by the day. I don't know what it wants to convey but just yesterday night's dream, I dreamt of running away from somewhere. It was dark. The night sky covered everything. The place was wet with cobblestones as floors. At first it was the medieval times. Inside a castle or something. I was dressed fancily but I could not remember the details of the clothing. I wanted to run away. I was with someone. We made it over the iron-clad fences like the ones from olden times and dove in something, like a pile of dried leaves or something. I told the one I was with to lay down and stay still as our bodies were covered from head-down. I could feel myself grasping for that person's hand (my left hand) just to make sure I had that person was beside me (was sure it was a she). Then I could feel the suitors run past us. I was relieved but I kept still. Enough not to be noticed. I think that was the ending part of the story.
Another part was about a sheriff. It was a woman. I was viewing that person like the games (3rd-person was it?) and following it everywhere. I could see the place. It was dirty but with some civility. The road was mud. But there were structures present. I followed her. I could see her back. She was wearing a police officer's clothes (blue like in America). She was being greeted by everyone. The people was physically deformed. One way or the other, they had some sort of deformity in them. The other with her hand. The other I thought to be normal had a large left feet. Some in their faces. But there was always something wrong with them. She then went inside a "karenderya-like" house. It was open and there was no door. She greeted the people there and they offered her some food. She wondered what it was made of and looked to one of them (a guy with deformity and fat) and he was preparing a bowl with human parts (hands, feet). She saw it and acted like it was normal. She then went to another person (a woman, maybe the mother) and saw a bowl with grounded body parts there. They were minced so much you'd hardly identify them as a human's. It was weird. And the thought of it being normal was weird. It has been a while since I've had any blood and gore in my dreams since years ago. It's too weird to be thinking of it now and acting like its NORMAL.
Time: 2010hrs
Frankly, its been a while since I've written anything down here. Or anything on my personal journal, actually. Many things happened at the start of the new year. Week after week I became more and more occupied with personal things, and stuff.
To be honest, I feel like everyone around me has been needy recently. Though I don't mind at all the physical contact being with friends entail; I think that people have been more open towards me and more trusting of me. Why, you ask? Because I don't think I deserve their praise and trust. If you have been reading my posts from the start, you'd notice how harshly I criticize and bash people, especially those around me. But this time its different. It may be because there is a feeling of "Guilt" accompanied. That I don't deserve anything good happening around me. I don't know why. It may be my shame or my "shyness" (yes, i didn't phrase that wrong) towards the kindness I am being showered with. I am so accustomed to being trampled on and walked all over that I've made it my source of strength negatively. My evil-mindedness needs these negativity to keep on going with the thought of revenge in mind. Yes....everything seems so new. Though it shouldn't be.
Especially this certain girl that's always at my side and thought she had put a leash on me. She reminds me of someone from my childhood that I've badly misjudged. Her kind was particularly opposite of what society termed as norm. I have misjudged her. But I still have these ill-feelings towards her. It is because my longing for freedom beats stronger than the feeling of warmth that is natural for her. Yes. I wanted freedom. No matter what form it may be for now. Even if it is the choice to do something I like from doing something I don't; I wanted to have the freedom to choose what I want without being forced to do it. The longing I have after being denied of it from birth stays strong inside me. It is my will to be free. And to be hindered to have that certain freedom; to be tied down and forced without my free will...I still cannot forgive that, no matter how much you lavish on me.
Even so, I have grown accustomed to her usual neediness while still trying to fully encrypt her true face being at her side. I have grasped it. Her childishness. Her frailty. Her beauty is real outside and inside. But her character is broken like a porcelain doll. She is broken inside. That is why it is easy to read and understand her. Our tastes may seem alike, but it isn't particularly true. She has a need to have everything. She likes to horde and prove that she's right all the time. Because then, people would listen to her. Unlike how she can't be heard at home. I can see her somewhat true form. But its not complete to me. At least all I have to do is wait a few more months and the chains that tie me to her will disappear. After a few more months, I will have no need to be tied down again.
On another note, my weird dreams keep becoming weirder by the day. I don't know what it wants to convey but just yesterday night's dream, I dreamt of running away from somewhere. It was dark. The night sky covered everything. The place was wet with cobblestones as floors. At first it was the medieval times. Inside a castle or something. I was dressed fancily but I could not remember the details of the clothing. I wanted to run away. I was with someone. We made it over the iron-clad fences like the ones from olden times and dove in something, like a pile of dried leaves or something. I told the one I was with to lay down and stay still as our bodies were covered from head-down. I could feel myself grasping for that person's hand (my left hand) just to make sure I had that person was beside me (was sure it was a she). Then I could feel the suitors run past us. I was relieved but I kept still. Enough not to be noticed. I think that was the ending part of the story.
Another part was about a sheriff. It was a woman. I was viewing that person like the games (3rd-person was it?) and following it everywhere. I could see the place. It was dirty but with some civility. The road was mud. But there were structures present. I followed her. I could see her back. She was wearing a police officer's clothes (blue like in America). She was being greeted by everyone. The people was physically deformed. One way or the other, they had some sort of deformity in them. The other with her hand. The other I thought to be normal had a large left feet. Some in their faces. But there was always something wrong with them. She then went inside a "karenderya-like" house. It was open and there was no door. She greeted the people there and they offered her some food. She wondered what it was made of and looked to one of them (a guy with deformity and fat) and he was preparing a bowl with human parts (hands, feet). She saw it and acted like it was normal. She then went to another person (a woman, maybe the mother) and saw a bowl with grounded body parts there. They were minced so much you'd hardly identify them as a human's. It was weird. And the thought of it being normal was weird. It has been a while since I've had any blood and gore in my dreams since years ago. It's too weird to be thinking of it now and acting like its NORMAL.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Day17 Year2013
Time: 0045hrs
Mood: Sleepy
Okay, it's been a rough night. Exciting as it may be, future threats are the more pressing matters to me. I hate bullies but I myself am a bully. Is that one of those " magnanakaw galit sa kapwa magnanakaw", sort of thing? Oh well....who cares anyway. As long as I am happy and there is no ounce of regret in my heart, all things are good to me.
Hated the connection speed, btw. Can't even properly download my manga or videos. Just when I've made a list of things to take on the ever free internet world.
Also, I think its been three straight days that I've slept for 1pm onwards then wakes up at 8am in the morning. What is up with that? Sleepy. Really sleepy. All thanks to the wonderful cold front that uplifts our minds from the usual daily hot and humid atmosphere of this country. And yes, oh how I hate the climate here. Need to hibernate during January and such....so boring...life is...I don't even know what I'm writing at all...Its all gibberish nonesense.
But you get my point right?
Hope so...
Mood: Sleepy
Okay, it's been a rough night. Exciting as it may be, future threats are the more pressing matters to me. I hate bullies but I myself am a bully. Is that one of those " magnanakaw galit sa kapwa magnanakaw", sort of thing? Oh well....who cares anyway. As long as I am happy and there is no ounce of regret in my heart, all things are good to me.
Hated the connection speed, btw. Can't even properly download my manga or videos. Just when I've made a list of things to take on the ever free internet world.
Also, I think its been three straight days that I've slept for 1pm onwards then wakes up at 8am in the morning. What is up with that? Sleepy. Really sleepy. All thanks to the wonderful cold front that uplifts our minds from the usual daily hot and humid atmosphere of this country. And yes, oh how I hate the climate here. Need to hibernate during January and such....so boring...life is...I don't even know what I'm writing at all...Its all gibberish nonesense.
But you get my point right?
Hope so...
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Day13 Year2013
Mood: Sad&Happy
Time: 2330hrs
In exchange for something, I paid something of an equal price.
The law of equivalent exchange that Ed usually mentions in the anime.....
But could this thing I've acquired worth the life of someone I hold dear to my heart? I don't know anymore. Even though I've manipulated and maneuvered my way to get what I want, there is always a price to pay. In which case, I think I lose far too much compared to what I've attained.
"Is it worth it?"
I've asked so many times.
Every time I lose something, I tend to forget everything about them as a means of my psychological self-defense. A means to protect my weak self. That is, to forget. What they look like. How they lived. What they were to me. Everything.
I forget.
Every time something dies in recompense for what I want, I erase their existence in my heart. Though I loved them dearly, or rather, because I love them so, that the only way I can move on is to forget. I'm sorry. I'm not strong enough to carry your thoughts with me. I'm sorry that I killed the only way your lives have lived within me. The thought of losing you. The reality that once I awaken the next day without you is unbearable. Tormenting. And yet, I cannot shed a tear. To lament your departing.
I really am weak.
Forgive me.
Goodbye.
Time: 2330hrs
In exchange for something, I paid something of an equal price.
The law of equivalent exchange that Ed usually mentions in the anime.....
But could this thing I've acquired worth the life of someone I hold dear to my heart? I don't know anymore. Even though I've manipulated and maneuvered my way to get what I want, there is always a price to pay. In which case, I think I lose far too much compared to what I've attained.
"Is it worth it?"
I've asked so many times.
Every time I lose something, I tend to forget everything about them as a means of my psychological self-defense. A means to protect my weak self. That is, to forget. What they look like. How they lived. What they were to me. Everything.
I forget.
Every time something dies in recompense for what I want, I erase their existence in my heart. Though I loved them dearly, or rather, because I love them so, that the only way I can move on is to forget. I'm sorry. I'm not strong enough to carry your thoughts with me. I'm sorry that I killed the only way your lives have lived within me. The thought of losing you. The reality that once I awaken the next day without you is unbearable. Tormenting. And yet, I cannot shed a tear. To lament your departing.
I really am weak.
Forgive me.
Goodbye.
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