Day337 Year2013

Mood: Dejected
Time: 2357hrs



Just finished watching this polish Movie titled "Suicide Room" and I wanna share some lines from the movie:

Actually, I don't understand people who kill themselves.
One's got to have courage to live. They are just cowards.
Narcissistic egoists who think the world revolves around them.
How can you give away the most precious gift you have?
How could you do it to yourself and your loved ones?
I don't understand that.
I don't want to.

You live to give to others as much as you can.

~Dominik, Suicide Room

Truth is (some spoilers), Dominik really didn't want to die.
If it weren't for his new found friend/love Sylvia, he wouldn't have the courage to get to school that time and flaunt his uniqueness around the people who mock him. They were just both lonely in their own way but even so, Dominik was much more full of life than Sylvia. I blame her for his death. Really, I do!

But even so, I understand.
I, too, am a shut-in.
I share Sylvia's pains and the real world scares me.
Even then, I have not given up on living reality.
I am sensitive, moreso than the normal person.
We both share a kindred heart.
And the same is true between her & Dominik and that is why they were attracted to each other.

Also, to rebuff his statements, here are some of mine:

Actually, I don't understand people who kill themselves.
[ You never will unless you have felt the same kind of pain we have.]
One's got to have courage to live. They are just cowards.
[If you were born into a world where the people around you treat you like you were never supposed to be born, I think you'll also want to kill yourself. And yes, we are cowards. Running away from the world and all the reality bullshit it entails. But have you thought how much "courage" it also takes to end one's life?]
Narcissistic egoists who think the world revolves around them.
[A bit, maybe. Cause all we can see is our pain. Cause we're bleeding. Inside.]
How can you give away the most precious gift you have?
[Because we never treated it like that. I thought you knew how selfish we are?]
How could you do it to yourself and your loved ones?
[If you really love them, you'd want to end their suffering as much as you do. So...
And I love myself enough to know how much I'm in pain so I need to end it.]
I don't understand that.
I don't want to.
[There you go! And you never will!]

I just don't like how that B*tch forcibly dragged Dominik in a corner.
If it were him, he had a much more fighting chance at life if only she said more encouraging words.
He was afraid, like she said. Afraid of the people he considered "friends" that have betrayed and hurt him deeply. He was looking for a guiding hand to point him in the right direction.

And this is why, people, you should CHOOSE your friends WISELY!

Coz crap like that ends up to the goodies that don't know shit!


Setting the movie aside, its been so long since I've jotted down anything, hasn't it?
I'm still living my life as a shut-in in this 4-walled room of ours (sharing it with sibling).
I've been in this house 24hrs/day, 7days/wk for months now.
Not seeing the sunlight nor breathing the fresh air.
It's been so long since I've talked with the opposite sex or felt the warmth of a touch.
I've grown to hate this world more.
I've also learned to hate crowds and people.
They irritate me.

I wanted to run away.
To escape from this prison called "HOME".
But where to? How?
I have no car nor money to travel.
I am growing old and feeble in this world.
The friends I've come to know are leaving me.
One-by-one, they build their own lives and family.
Soon, they will make offsprings and a new generation of them.
While I remain growing old, and rotting away from their memory.

I am dying.
The person I once were and the person I currently am is being erased from the people I've encountered.
They are becoming more focused with their lives and happy while I rot away in misery.
I don't know what I want.
Or rather, I know but I cannot.
I don't have that much courage with me.
I needed them to tell me if the things I am doing is wrong or right.
I needed people by my side to guide me.
To listen to me.
To understand me.

But in all my years of searching, NONE appeared before me.

Click to watch the Suicide Room

Day307 Year2013

Time:  1807hrs
Mood:  Melancholic



I know.
After a wonderful and delightful day yesterday, I know I shouldn't mope and be bitter today. Even so, I am.
I just realized that after all these years, the people that I've looked down with my prideful spite are now being industrious and making a name for themselves. They are moving forward, doing the things not particularly that they like, but because they have to in order to live.

They are fortunate.
They have a vision.
A goal.
A dream they want to achieve.

I have no such things.
Neither do I have something I want to protect.
I only have my self.

I don't want that.
I don't want to live only for my sake.
Such selfish deeds are not like me.
My wish is more noble and more simple.
So simple that I thought it could be achieved.

Years pass by and I look into the pictures of my former classmates.
They have made families. Built houses. Work daily and live lively and cheerful lives.
They are not stuck in the past or rotting somewhere in a corner.
They are living and doing their best no matter what comes to them.

I, on the other hand, cannot.

I don't have my family's support.
I have no one's love behind my back.
I am alone now than before.

Why is that?

Yet, I still live.

Why is that?

I have (almost) dies countless times in the past.
Near-death (accidental) ones, but not completely dead.

Why is that?

Who and for what purpose am I being kept alive?

All I want was someone's words to tell me that its all right.
That I'm not alone.
That when the time comes that I fall, they would be there to help me stand again.
|Such certainty.
Such reassuring words.

Why have I not heard them in this lifetime?

And yet, I still continue to live.
Just because of my stubbornness to submit.

For what do I cling on to this life?

Why?

Interlude: Reminiscing the Past

Time: 0243hrs
Mood: Tranquil



Its morning.
The air is cold and the people all around are sleeping.
The music is shuffled and it plays a nostalgic tune.
Then I remember....
...my past.


As a child, I was mature for my age.
We lived in a simple and small house, surrounded by relatives on my father's side.
I usually conversed and hang out with the older people.
Its not as if there weren't children.
There were children among the neighbors, but we weren't that close.
They were more fond of my older sister and younger brother.
When I think about it, the children my age in par to me weren't available so I ended up being close to the adults or those older than me in some years.

I was a beastly child, according to the people that watched me grow.
I fought  (physically) other children; I quarreled with them and mostly bullied those younger than me.
My family used to tease me and call me "Demonyita" or Demon-girl, they said, but I have no recollection of such things. Maybe because of my piercing stare and the unwillingness to bow down to anyone.

Now that I think about it, I've never been good associating with other people.
I never fully understood the laws of this world.
There was always a feeling of something "surreal" about everything.
Like its not really happening.
Like its not really my body.

Ever since I was a child, I felt like everyday was a dream.
That even if certain things happen, they won't matter much.
I don't know.
That's how it felt to me.

The only tranquility I could attain, that I could ascertain was the feeling of being surrounded by trees.
Beneath the trees, under the gentle rays of the sun, with the wind blowing the skirt off of me. Or at least enough to sway my thick hair over my shoulders.

Even now, I long for that kind of solace.
That kind of peace.
If I can't understand people, then there is no need to associate with them.
I want to live a life far from them.
Without the need to ask for the reasons as to "why" someone is what they are.
Without the need to understand the unreasonable.
Without the constant feeling of rejection.
I want to break away from this kind of world where man is the boss of this world.

......

Looking back once more, the reason why I act childish in this current form of mine is because of those repressed emotions back then.
I was forced to act accordingly, maturely, without the proper guidance from a mother.
Mother was strict and somewhat lazy on us.
Early mornings around 4, we wake up in bleak dawn.
I loved the feeling of the cold air damping my face and freezing my cheeks.
We were in grade 2 or 3 and mother won't wake up.
We siblings cook our own meal; frying eggs with a frightened and shaking hand.
Bathing ourselves.
Packing our stuff.
And around 5-5:30, wait for the guy (whose always LATE) to pick us up.
Flag ceremonies were held around 6am. 7 am our class starts.
Our school time is 6-12nn/12nn-6pm.

I wasn't in good terms with most of my classmates either.
I hate them, to be frank.
There were snobby and feeling all high & mighty children.
There were childish and idiotic children.
And there were quiet, and being child-like children.
I was among them.
But I usually spend the moments arguing for their sake and protecting them.
*sigh*
It really is in my nature, deshou?

There wasn't anyone in the past that would protect me, you see.
So I had to be strong.
Be independent.
Be understanding.
Ever since I was little...

Even though I couldn't understand them fully.
Even though I couldn't fathom why they do what they do.
Because no one will do it, you see...
...that I decided to carry that responsibility.
...that kind of burden.

But I am now tired.
I want to throw away my humanity.
I don't want to understand anyone anymore.
No one understands me.
So why should " I " have to care?

Day283 Year2013

Mood: Reminiscing
Time: 1911hrs

I remember the first time I saw a man's face in love.
It was my transfer student classmate.
We were lining in our Physical Education class and everyone was noisy and busy chatting with their friends when I saw it.

I saw how fixed his eyes were on her and her every movement.
How his eyes seemed to sparkle as he stared at her.
It was quite an enigma.

What could he have seen in her that made him so?
That "bitch" was all-around awful.

Her face is plain.
Her hair is pulled up in nanny style.
And her fucking personality plainly SUCKs since she's a BULLY!
Yeah, her team of bitches gang up on me thinking they're THAT great!
Fuck you bitch!!

That's why it was such a marvel to me.
How could THAT kind of human, or rather female specimen have guys falling for her??
She's freaking nasty!
Whichever angle you look.
That's why when I found out that that kind of look was that of a guy in love,
I swore I'd throw up when I see that kind of reaction towards another girl again...

Who'd have thought it would be on ME?(0_0)!!

Yes, I know.
I've known it for quite some time, but I am kind of a klutz when it comes to these things.
Well, you can't blame me.
In the span of my years living, no MAN has come up to my face and confess their feelings for me, so how was I supposed to know that that would be it?

I knew.
I saw how they change their attitude whenever they see me.
Not to boast but I DO have a nice face.
Just not blessed with the curves.

I knew how they come up trying to win my attention.
How their tone of voice softens whenever they talk to me.
I knew.
I saw.
I just ignored it.

I watched this one series where the girl watched how her classmate (guy) thought to be linked to her fell in love with her friend (girl). She was, of course, happy from the bottom of her heart. She wondered how it would feel like to have someone fall in love at first sight and probably confess to her even.

But due to circumstances, her life changed.
Her views with regards to life and love changed.
She had no time for such mundane things like falling in love.
So when a guy confessed to her, she could not respond accordingly.

I, too, wondered like her.
As her eyes glistened in amazement of such encounters to happen; mine glistened too, and happily awaited for such moment.

But unfortunately, I too like her, froze.
It was the first time I saw such a thing up close.
I didn't even know he existed.
He was incognito to me.
And yet, when I saw that expression on his face, I knew.
That like my classmate, he too, felt something.
Hopefully, for me.

He didn't confess.
I could see the changes in him whenever I'm around.
I knew deep down the meaning behind them.
But to avoid disappointment, I didn't ask.
I don't want to say anything.
Not as long as I still bear HATRED towards myself can I continue to not love.

And because I expect something that I can't be the first to ask.
Or say anything.

Please someone, tell me you love me.
All I see in myself are hateful things.
If you don't point out the things there is to love within me, then I won't see.

Please, love me.
Please, someone...
...love me.

Until I can still bear to live with myself.
Until I can still hope.

Love me.
Love me.

Because I can't LOVE myself anymore...

Day253 Year2013

Mood:  Sleepy
Time:  2137hrs


It's night time.
I spend most of my hours connected through the internet as much as possible.
Mother has (tried) to detain us and despoil us of our only means of entertainment from this world.
The internet.

Can't blame her,though.
We HAVE overstayed our welcome from this world and we are expected to live adult lives.
Go outside.
Roam around.
Earn money.
Help with the family.
To put it simply, WORK!

It IS our fault in some way. We don't do our best and grovel for opportunities like a normal adult should be. We don't grab openings when there is one or even TRY. I think we were too sheltered from reality that now living the rest of the days inside a confined household is much better than going outside to "socialize" and be normal. We (siblings) were not normal from the start. Our kind of normal was the opposite from those around us. And because I don't want to be normal, that I chose to be the kind of abnormal human being I am now. Just much more depressed and suicidal.

I have tried to get a decent paying job.
But everywhere I go, its always BPO here, BPO there. Oh, BPO means Business Process Outsourcing or the famously Call Center line. Heck, I applied "frivolously" in the past. Even came to the point where I was handed some requirements and those LAST INTERVIEW, kind of shit. I didn't see it through to the end then and all I could come up as a reason was that I was still "studying". Yeah, I'm such an A**....

My point is, when I finished College, I immediately and hopefully looked for a job. I was so confident at my spoken and written English that I imagined myself getting hired after one application. So, imagine my disappointment when I heard from those fu*kng interviewers that the problem lies in my "ENGLISH". What the f*ck? Seriously??

So, yeah, I gave it some thought.
It was my first interview.
I was nervous.
Probably blabbered around about some shit or so.
And I applied again in some company.
And what now? You don't hire me because of my choice of Course in College??!
My spoken English was perfect. Great, even, and you disregard this fact in fear of dropping out of your company in just two years after working?!
What The F*ck!!?
Seriously?!
As if you think your current employees plan to stay there for even a year, you freak'g CUnT!
HONESTY my Fuc*ng ass...
Yes, you should avoid being TOO HONEST during interviews.
Those interviewers are too STUPID to recognize useful from useless with HONESTY in your character.

So, yeah.
Fu*k, people.
I've never been the same since.
Whether it was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity or such.
I disregarded those things right away.
Also, I HATE sleeping in the morning and awake in the evening.
It's too bright and hot to sleep during the day and its too fuc*ng boring to do any work during the night. Graveshift hours is the most FU*cKED up schedule E-V-E-R !!

So, yeah, I complain a lot.
But its not you people who will be working there.
It's not your time you'll be wasting.
It won't be your fake smile you'll be faking around other people.
Hell, do you even know how tiring it is to smile around shitty people that talks behind your back that you want to punch, kick or even slaughter but can't?!
Yeah. It won't be you.
So Shut the FucK up!

*cough*
*cough*

To continue, life is just a piece of shitty thing.
Even those horoscopes won't be much use as everyday becomes an UNLUCKY DAY.
I want to continue with my profession but can't.
These fucking hospitals even make you take up an EXAM and push an insane number of requirements, just so you can work there as a VOLUNTEER.
What the fuck is that?
You'll be toiling, get lectured, be cleaning people's shits up; with the probability of being spat in the face, bitten by an enraged Rabies patient, get stabbed by an infected needle, be sued for malpractice and high chance of getting your license revoked with the most minute error and for what? A certificate for EXPERIENCE without so much as a fucking pay.

Ha-Ha!

What a laugh...

So what?
You chose to confine yourself within the comforts of home, waiting for time to pass by and hoping someday you get killed accidentally since you're such a weak suicidal maniac that you can't even take your pitiful life?

Um, yeah.
That sounds about right.

So, yeah.
Don't bug me about work.
I won't say it out loud, but well, there you go.
Read all about it!

Day215 Year2013

Mood: Malaise
Time: 1836hrs



I've fallen.
To the depths of despair.

I'm lost.
And yet to be found.

I've watched the people around me.
Those that I've helped and supported no have left me.
I'm alone.
More so than before.
No one remembers me.
Like I never existed in the first place.

Then why, I wonder, was I born?
If there are people who's name is the same as mine.
If there are people who can do better than I.
Why, dear God, have I been brought up into this world?

I don't have what it takes to take up the problems of life.
I have no reason to live.
There is none who loves me.
No one cares about me.
No one appreciates me.

......

How ironic.
I smirk as I pause while typing.
My randomized playlist of music turns on the song by Katy Perry.
The song was Fireworks.

Dear God,
Is this your answer to my questions?
How laughable.
I know music has always been my source of comfort even before, but this...
..its just...
nothing.

I know.
All I do is rant and complain about how life is unfair and unkind.
I know there are others out there that is far worse condition than I am.
But still.
There were people around that helped them.
There was someone they could go to for help.
There were those that would try to understand them and hear them out.
In my case, there were few or none at all.

Because people are selfish.
Because this life is unkind.
Because it is as it is.
That living is a continuous pain and only those with power and money get to enjoy it.
I know.
I know very well the conditions a person has to have to live an ideal and peaceful life.
I know because I have none of the qualifications.
Because I am this kind of person.
Because I am me.
That people ignore me, forget me, use me then toss me aside.
I hate it.
Being the person I am.
I hate how I feel like I can do nothing about it.
How hopeless my view of life is.
And how weak I am for not even trying.

I want others to depend on me, but really, its me who depends on them.
Without someone telling me what to do, I get lost.
Confused.

Again, my playlist mocks me.
It's playing Evanescence's song.
The title,
Missing.

It's something I've been feeling lately.
It expresses my thoughts and emotions very honestly.

And still, no matter how much I sing it from the bottom of my heart...
...no one's missing me.

How very unfortunate of me.
Unfortunate indeed.

Day194 Year2013 (murmurs of the heart)

I'm so lonely.
So lonely that I could die.....

....why won't I die?

No matter how much I scream, no one hears me.
There's no one who understands me.
Even if I threaten to kill myself in public, no one would bother to stop me.

Am I really that worthless to anybody?
Does no one really care about me?
Or are they just too busy caring for themselves that they forget?

I'm so lonely.
Why won't I die from this pain? This sorrow?
Even if a blade cuts me I can feel no pain.
Just this ache in my heart.
Its killing me.

It's so cold.
I want to feel cold.
I don't want any kind of warmth to pass through me.
I want to bathe in ice.
I want to drink freezing water. Eat snow.
If it would make me numb.
So that I may no longer feel the pain nor care for another.

Living alone is lonely.
I thought if I could gather enough people by my side then I won't be alone anymore.
But its still lonesome by my self.
More so knowing that the people around me doesn't care about me.

It's excruciating living like this.
Even if I pray, no God would hear me.
Even if I summon, no Demon would come near me.

Where is anybody?
I can't see them.
Why won't anyone hug me? Cherish me?
Treat me kindly? Think of me dearly....
Why isn't there like that in this world?

Where is the other ME?
My soul mate that should save me from this pain.
Where are you?
Have you died and left me already?
Even though you were supposed to be a part of me...
....you've left me? All Alone.