Day 147 Year2013

Time: 2302hrs
Mood: I wanna hurl....


Yes, not because I'm pregnant or something but because of over-eating.
Was supposed to go to a "friend's" house but due to unforseen events, couldn't in the end.
Well, its not my fault so I don't have a heavy burden in me.
Just that I felt so fucked up earlier that all the rage burned out and I turned numb once more.

Reality is so full of shit, you know?
Whenever you feel like your dreams are so close that they seem true, you wake up from life's cruelty and realize that its just a dream. And just like how people give [  GOD ] credit for in times of good things, I would like to give [ GOD ] in times of bad things as well. Making me live up to now without even letting me do what I have to do or at least telling me my purpose in life. How [ God ] always closes a freaking door in my face whenever I can see the light of hope. And just like that, my endeavors in life becomes useless.

And where does that leave me?
Here at rock bottom.
No one to lend me a help.
Even if I stretch out my arms, there's no one.
So this [ God ] doesn't exist for me.
Letting me live just to die without accomplishing anything.
Letting me see another set of day just to do nothing.

Or what? I am at fault in all of this.
That HE just gives me time and day and whatever I do with those things depends on me; pointing out that I am to blame. Yes, I've swooned over that fact in the past. I've thought about it countless times over.

Without a light, I cannot see where I am going.
So I decided to stay where I stand. That way, I won't trip and fall or lose my way.
But just like that, there is no progress.

So give me a light.
If there is still hope, then I shall grab it.
A single ray of light amidst all these darkness that surrounds me.

And yet, there is none.

Day 126 Year2013

Time: 2139hrs
Mood: Deflated and dead tired


I - am - sooooo - tiredddd.....

I went outside and faced the fierce rays of the sun. My eyes practically BURNED in the heat.
I felt like dying.
It was too much to bear.
My throat was always dry and if that wasn't enough, it felt like someone was strangling me.
Again, that sensation continues even in this moment.

I'm so tired.
I want to sleep and relax tomorrow.
Lying in bed without any worries.

The wind blew gently and strongly earlier today.
It was during those times that I can be thankful for the weather especially when clouds are abundant in the sky.It made the day a little less insufferable.

I had to do many things today.
Job hunting, travelling, inquiring, and helping out a friend in need.
Even though friends could be so demanding and bossy whenever they need something from you, as a friend that truly cares you can't ignore their loud pleas. It's because its too noisy too ignore and the only way you can quiet them down is by going along with the flow. How ironic.

On another note, there is a person I am currently attracted to.This person was someone I used to hate.
Naturally, instinctively hate.
The first encounter we had was in a fierce fight over who gets to be the head.
I hated his noisy and loud nature.
I hated his stupid questions that mean almost nothing.
I simply hated him because at the time I barely know him.
So there was no harm in doing things like Hating him.

I never would have thought that the same person I used to abhor down to his core could be this endearing.
You really can never judge a book by its cover.
He is sweet, kind and gentle.
He is curious and paves his own way.
We have so many things alike.
We like so many things just the same.

It only took a single comment.
Simple words and a few seconds for me to appease my former hatred towards him.
At the time, I didn't care about the past.
His existence was so little and of no concern to me that talking forward and eventually finding out that he was the person I used to hate came as a surprise even to myself.
He was no one to begin with.
But he became "someone" right now.

How heart-wrenching it is to hear his name.
Even speaking of it and thinking of him makes me lose my breath.
More so knowing that this person will never be mine....
....but for now, I can have his smile and his kindness.
I want more but that's all I can have for now.
You can never be too greedy.

But knowing that I can't have more like his lips or his kisses....
....I wanted to at least try to ask for them.
So that I won't have more regrets.
So that I can throw away these feelings more freely afterwards.
So that I'll know first-hand before doubting and ending things with my self-conclusions and delusions.

I want to kiss you.
I want to have your kiss.
To taste your lips.
To feel your warmth.
To have you even for a little.
In reality and not in dreams.

I want to have you.
Even though I doubt you'll allow me to.
But even so....
....I can say that I tried.