Day188 Year2012

Mood: Loving
Time:

I've always been frustrated with love.
I so hate the shallowness of men and how they pick women based from their "category". At times, I've completely given up on the thought of love and falling in love. I wanted to become someone that can move forward without needing such romance.  Even so, a deep loneliness, one that really gets to me, overcomes my heart. Because of that, I turn cold just so I can get the need for warmth out of my head.

But a person cannnot live a full life without love. That is one thing I've concliuded after living these past 25 years being alone. Over and over, you yearn for such feelings. Be it compassion, kindness, a gentle touch or a comforting smile; you crave for it. Without such love, you will only become empty inside. Though I am incomplete, I don't want to be rock-bottom empty.

I try to fill the void as much as possible. Eating food never fills me completely and by now slowly bores me. Around other people, I grow reluctant to ask for such things, shunning away from others because of my complexities. I cannot force people I like to like me back since forcing someone to do something they hate is the very definition of rape for me.

Yes, at times of loneliness, I go to reading materials and stories and such pertaining to love. Stories that can shake my heart and bring tears to my eyes. Stories that depict the very essence of love and loving and the joy of being loved. And also the heartaches and pain of falling in love. There is so much in those stories have that I can relate to; that I can grasp and get ahold of. Then I  put on some music to add to the mood. Be it mellow or sweet or just plain lullaby music, it spices every sentence, every word and makes me somewhat whole again.

And as long as there are scenarios that captures the element of romance and of love. As long as there are drawings of lovers that seems like their very soul is united as one; I think that I can fall in love that way and believe in the word "love" as well. And until the next time I come up with such wonderful storylines, I won't grow cold at night. But rather, be inspired to love once more and believe in people the next morning. And embrace everything that the world has denied of me. It is because of love that I can love continously.