Day211 Year2012

Time: 1019hours
Mood: Zetsubou


I am lost.
If life is an adventure and the trail is laid before me, then in the midst of this jungle I am lost.

Where should my life head to? Where am I supposed to go? In my hands I have no map. The world is a big blank to me.

I am alone on my journey. In fact, everyone is. There is no tomorrow that is certain. That's why we can dream for the better. Even so, is tomorrow better than today or will it be another hell like yesterday? I wander, alone and lost. Where should my life head to?

Please someone tell me....

Day208 Year2012

Time: 2230hrs
Mood: SAD (seasonal affective disorder)


It's been raining nonstop for quite sometime these past few days/weeks now and I've been depending on the cold weather for my mood. More so, the fact that my remaining ounce of freedom in life is being taken by this one VERY persistent person that calls themselves my "Friend".

Is this how its supposed to be?
The position I was in the past that I've desperately tried to change is still recurring despite my pleas to escape. Why can't I escape? Why does people around treat me like slave and take me for granted? They mistake my kindness for submission and use me as a tool for their self-pleasure.

I want to be alone.
It's easier alone.
Being alone, I have free control of my life and the direction it goes to. I have the chance to be happy in my own twisted way. I can be myself and not pretend and continuously put up this fake smile that's tearing my face apart. I hate it. This current me. The way I am unable to break free. The rest are cowards that ran away on whim when in the first place it was them that surrounded "that person" and truly enjoy the company.

Where did I go wrong?
All I did was ask one question and I have a "master" for life?
I hate it. I hate this chain tied around my neck, slowly suffocating me. Or is it me that's trashing around trying to bind the chain tight so that I can die rather than be used like this.

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
If everyone around "that person" really likes them, then why won't they trade places with me? And see for themselves the kind of person they really are.....

Day192 Year2012

Time: 1343hrs
Mood: Wee bit annoyed


I am a drifter. I float and get swayed by the current of the water or the flow of the wind. Just yesterday, my mind was blank and without a certain destination went up somewhere and spent most of my money for the travel. That was going out, going somewhere not particularly anywhere and then going home; in just a couple of hours. I hated the idea of coming to school and repeating the same old routine meeting the same old people that I obviously don't like. That's when I thought, "what the heck am I going to school for?" The "me" who was used to studying before and so enthusiastically dreamt of coming to class and answering recitation calls and talking all high and mighty was now diminished to being the vagabond, cutting classes type of person.

Just when I was aging did I start this rebellious phase of mine.
Maybe it's just a way of balancing out myself since from before when I started writing and learning was I such a good student that the very thought of being marked "absent" or even "late" was such a dread to me. And now here I am. Going to school late. Sleeping on some lessons. Not studying for exams at home. Cutting classes early. Even going sideways to the game station and computer shops and passing time just to make it look like I properly went to my classes.

I'm just too worn out from the usual norm of daily living from before that I wanted to experience what others do,even if it is out of curiosity. The loner me who is so accustomed to going "my way" is now being tamed and binded by a VERY demanding person and I cannot put a say to it out of "gratitude".

Sometimes, I just want to be left alone since I've always managed by my self. Being alone is what I have always been and then out of nowhere some pompous little prick enters my life and starts demanding and dragging me everywhere. What I don't understand is that of all the people that love and cherish that person (seriously, they adore you) is why such a person as "I" am the one you chose to drag along with you? I don't have the energy to last whole day. I can't hide the grimace on my face. My jaw and cheeck hurts from constantly having to force myself to put a smile. And the continuous listening to your problems even though the answer is just in front of you.....

Seriously, I am starting to fear school and studying because of YOU.
*sigh* *sigh* *verrrryyyy deeeepppp siiiiighhhhhhh*
How much longer must I endeavor and keep up with this?
Is the year over yet? Is it the next month already?

I wish I could just embrace my pillow and sleep quietly in bed forever.....

Day188 Year2012

Mood: Loving
Time:

I've always been frustrated with love.
I so hate the shallowness of men and how they pick women based from their "category". At times, I've completely given up on the thought of love and falling in love. I wanted to become someone that can move forward without needing such romance.  Even so, a deep loneliness, one that really gets to me, overcomes my heart. Because of that, I turn cold just so I can get the need for warmth out of my head.

But a person cannnot live a full life without love. That is one thing I've concliuded after living these past 25 years being alone. Over and over, you yearn for such feelings. Be it compassion, kindness, a gentle touch or a comforting smile; you crave for it. Without such love, you will only become empty inside. Though I am incomplete, I don't want to be rock-bottom empty.

I try to fill the void as much as possible. Eating food never fills me completely and by now slowly bores me. Around other people, I grow reluctant to ask for such things, shunning away from others because of my complexities. I cannot force people I like to like me back since forcing someone to do something they hate is the very definition of rape for me.

Yes, at times of loneliness, I go to reading materials and stories and such pertaining to love. Stories that can shake my heart and bring tears to my eyes. Stories that depict the very essence of love and loving and the joy of being loved. And also the heartaches and pain of falling in love. There is so much in those stories have that I can relate to; that I can grasp and get ahold of. Then I  put on some music to add to the mood. Be it mellow or sweet or just plain lullaby music, it spices every sentence, every word and makes me somewhat whole again.

And as long as there are scenarios that captures the element of romance and of love. As long as there are drawings of lovers that seems like their very soul is united as one; I think that I can fall in love that way and believe in the word "love" as well. And until the next time I come up with such wonderful storylines, I won't grow cold at night. But rather, be inspired to love once more and believe in people the next morning. And embrace everything that the world has denied of me. It is because of love that I can love continously.

Day183 Year2012

Time: 1833hrs
Mood: Annoyed



Got connected with that useless piece of trash again.
Just when its worth was over for me, it rambles my continuing peaceful life once more.
And to think "it" has the nerve to get angry at me for notifying our other "friends" of "its" current situation....

Can I just blurt out "don't bother me you F*Cn' Retard??!"
I have too many things to think about. School and stuff and the path my life is heading towards to right now, I just can't handle these worthless little stuff all in all. Shit.

It's just that I can't go out to "it's" face and go all smiley-happy like I'm glad to hear from "it" again.
Yeah, okay, you've done some things for me in life. Yeah, we've been together as a gang for these years, but shit man, you don't level up to my necessities. You're just not worth my time and attention. Plain and simple.

And to add fuel to the fire that is burning inside of me, this freak'n BI!Ch at home continuously mocks me. More like asking to be killed right here and there. Shit. I try to keep my cool and such, but the people around me is just pushing me to the limit. Don't wonder one day if I get to be a criminal or something, cause I will fuck'n MASSACRE these freakshits. There are just too many worthless people in this world and I want to clean them up one day. Fuc* F*ck! F!Ck!!!