Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Day 149 Year 2012

Mood: Tired, sleepy, even so restless
Time: 0211hrs


Slowly, I feel like something is breaking inside of me. All the anger and hatred I have accumulated these past years is trying to release itself from the vessel that is ME. I've tried to smile, be kind, and be just in every little thing that I do, but in the end, I am only human. When the time comes that I do break up this mask, will I regret again? I have so many things to regret. I don't want to be disappointed by the time these darkness of mine finally escapes. Besides, it is a part of me as well. This deep darkness I carry is another side of me and I intend to embrace it nonetheless. And at the moment that I do get tired of lying to myself, I expect to become the other me completely. The me that I've withdrawn from this world. The Me that is shunned by society and deemed "unfit" to exist. I think slowly, anticipate, delighted of the thought that I do finally break inside. Because by then, I won't have to lie to myself. I won't be tied down by standards that other people put up for the rest to follow. And I won't be bored looking at the same scenery everyday of my life.

So hurry up, shatter completely.
I look for reasons for this current me to be destroyed.
I only need one thing. One major thing that would make me move and convince me that CHANGE is inevitable. Just one reason is enough. Now, come. Give me one reason. Give me a reason to destroy myself.


Thursday, May 3, 2012

Day 123 Year 2012

Mood: Ennui
Time: 0935hrs

Have been too tired recently due to recent events that presided. The sun is blazing hot outside and the brightness of the light stings my eyes. I do not wish to go out anymore. I hate how the heat makes me sweat profusely and how the light brightly shines without due reason. As if the coldness of my heart could be thawed by the weather. As if.
I pass the days reading and logging on the net. Surfing it like the waves of the sea that runs continuously. In life, I've witnessed the coming start of another branch of life. The soon start of a family. I grow envious at the person that is giving their all for that certain goal. More envious am I of the fact that they are not like me; one without a destination and one that is constantly in craving for something that I know not.
By meeting people, I change. But only meeting them in life, I've learned that they are like ghosts that you see that pass through you and disappear afterwards. They mean nothing in the end. Just a speck of dust that clouds the eyes for a second. They can do nothing and change nothing more in the current "you". They are just there for the mere purpose of "being there" and simply existing. Why then, I ask, were we fated to meet? If in the end they would only put ripples in your waters and then sink to the bottom of the sea? Oh how the word "FATE" tests me dearly. My patience and questions pile up one-by-one. If only there were no people to torment you in such a way. If there were no people that would invade your life, making you confused and vanishing without a trace. Leaving you hopeless still and more lonely than before. That you would come to know the word LONELINESS than you've ever known before.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Day 54 Year 2012

Mood: Despondent
Time: 0080hrs

The times of laughter and cheers are gone.
They are but a fleeting moment trapped in my memories; forever encased at the back of my mind.
I no longer have a reason to be happy. The people from my past are gone and the people I will meet in the future are heartless and cold. I HATE THEM. Try as I might to bring a smile out, in my heart I know that I am only kidding myself. I'm lying to my self again.
The nights are filled with passing time. Time is no longer important. I have no recollection of what I did yesterday that I didn't do today or won't happen tomorrow. Round and round it continues. This never-ending cycle of boredom, hatred and depression. I want to die but I'm not brave enough to face the pain that is incorporated with the separation of my being with my physical body. I am weak that way.
I no longer have anything to wish for. No matter how much I plead, wishes won't come true by simply praying to the Higher power. So I ignore trying to be what is written. I ignore being kind. I take people for granted and spread anger and hatred instead. This world doesn't care about me, so why should I? Even if I try to show kindness, the world only throws hatred at my face. Behind me there are kinds that stab me relentlessly. Everyone is a being full of envy and hatred.
At times when I do evil, I look here and there for some form of punishment but none comes back. I try to do good and I am faced with karma in an instant. This world never was fair to the good and more so gives a just example to the bad. You just live life as if there was no tomorrow regardless of how you live it. Every lives nowadays are running amok in a frenzy. The young die young and those that don't live at all die until they're really old and unhappy. Besides, who wants to live forever if you'll only experience bitter times at most? I hated this world. Even now I abhor the thought of being alive surrounded by lies,deceit,wrath,the madness of it all! I hate the people that whisper at my back. Talking about me as if they know me and what I've been through. I hate this world that speaks of peace and justice and never does practice it, or if they do only for the convenience of the wealthy. I hate the people that judge me and tell me they love me, because in the end they will be the ones who will hurt me the most. I hate you people.
"YOU" who come in here and read this and tell me things and shit that you don't really know about. You that will label me and such after reading this and You that will try to force your pitiful beliefs on me. For those people, I tell you now to STFU! Someone as dark and wounded as my freaking heart won't be able to understand the minds of idiots that claim the world is peaceful and kind. I hate this life!

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Day 4 Year2012

Time: 1634hrs
Mood: Depressed,morose





They say people are capable of affection regardless if they personally know them. At first glance, you can feel their warm-felt acceptance through a simple nod or a beautiful smile. Yet to me, those are just false pretense of a human's perception and PR. You don't know them so you assume that they can be kind, thus a smile shows. You don't know them and still you can at times converse with others normally though you barely know a thing about them. A "normal person" would be brought up with teachings on how to be "Kind" to one another, just to grow up learning through harsh experience how calculating and manipulative the inside of a "normal person" can be.

People are not kind. They are vindictive, jealous, greedy and selfish. I know because I am one of those "normal person" before. I've come to realize without anyone's help how sufferable living life like this. To be taught to show kindness while everyone else is not. To be told to act friendly when everyone around you is just there to use you. And the morale of the story? Karma. God's divine punishment. The fear of being vindicated by the all-powerful wrath of Him Almighty. And despite the on-going cruelty and malice of others, who gets punished? The ever-righteous believer. It eats me up inside. The fact. The reality that there is no punishment waiting for them. That even if they do all those things, no one is there to abhor them. Because everyone is told to LOVE them....and how idiotic this seems to me.

Even so, still. I cannot move on. I cannot tear my chains and fly freely. I'm such a coward. Always afraid of the consequences despite knowing the facts. I have spent almost half of my life on this world already. Isn't it time for me to be rid of these utterly pointless doubts? At times I just want to wake up and throw away everything and leave everything and everyone I know behind. They're all useless to me anyway, so why bother? I'm fed up of being used and forced to smile so happily while inside I'm not. HA-ha-ha....

this grin sometimes just falls off to the side. I can feel it. And I can sense that others know of it. The reason my grin is turning to a frown...

Hmm...yeah, sometime this year I'll just throw it all away....

It "is" the new year anyway...

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Day337 Year2011


Life is a fleeting existence.
We simply live for the day and move on to the next day.
With the passing of time, I grow weary and tired of waiting. These short moments that seem endless as the hands of time move slowly for me. And because it moves about so slow, I come to experience things that I mostly hate. Loving continuously without ever being loved in return. Being lied face-to-face. Trusting someone and being betrayed. This heart-wrenching endless repetition of disbelief in people makes me sick. If from birth I struggled enough to be the ONE amongst the millions of cells that competed to be born, I wonder know if being chosen was a good enough reason to live. Now that I am faced with the reality of living in the real world, I become tired, exhausted from the things this world has to offer. The darkness of the people that I come to associate with. Just when I thought the war was over then, it still continues on the world outside. Battling for positions, for power, for money, for survival. Though men have become more "civilized", there is no civility in the ways of the world. The more popular "survival of the fittest" still exists with a more elaborate set of rules that only those that made it are sure to profit. I hate it. Something I hate from this world. The rules that whoever-the-hell made is tormenting me because of my so-called consciousness whilst others thrive and step on others without any remorse of a kind. Why am I bound to this world? Better yet, for what am I living? Waking up alive to tomorrow, uncertain and unable to find a reason for existing, it makes me want to crawl back to the side of my bed and lament this life I'm living. I am soooo tired. Tired of everything else. Tired of the people that surrounds me. Tired of the norms of society. Tired of this fake smile and this mask that I have to wear just to "fit in".
I wish.
If only I could be granted one wish...
I wish for....

Thursday, November 24, 2011

The Scorpio Rising (Ascendant)

Scorpio ascendants are very charismatic,magnetic and powerfull people. This is the strongest and most difficult ascendant of all.

Those born under this astrology rising sign Scorpio: 
 
NEGATIVE TRAITS : 
-Secretive,Wilful, Ruthless, Self-destructive, Suspicious,Moody,Sadistic,Cunning,Insulting,Intolerant,dangerous
rebelious, jealous, Possesive, Vindictive, Fears letting go of control , Greed for Power,& Lust, Can be fanatical. Obsessive Behaviour and in Sexual Matters,Paronoid,Easily Irritated,Revengefull, Quick tempered, Intense in negative emotions,Fixed/Stubborn 

POSITIVE TRAITS : Are of Emotional, Sensitive,Intensity in love, Generous,Penetrating,Protective,Magnetic,Loyal,Unshockable ,Tenacious,Self-critical,Intense Concentration,Compassionate,Probing,Loving , 
controlled emotions,affectionate when
safe,calm,placid, Capable of self-regeneration,Strong will power,passionate,Needs to channel intense emotions positively, Investigative
 
Scorpio Ascendant people have a lot of presence. There is something about them that tells the world that they are not to be pushed around. Their manner commands respect, and in some cases, fear. Scorpio rising people can be quiet or loud, but they always seem powerful and determined.Scorpio rising give very little away as to what they are really thinking and feeling, Others cannot be sure of what your true intentions are.Scorpio rising natives are drawn to down-to-earth, natural partners. Reliability in their partner is very important. They generally look for complete commitment and have little patience with flighty partners

Physical Appearance: 
Height usually above average, sexual presence ,aqualine nose or concave with sharpness, sexy,magnetic, outstanding feauture is eyes : eagle-like eyes , alert, sharp, penetrating, peirce,shiny in dark colour,often wear black,hair is typically very black ,low-hair line ,abudance of hair,has attractive looks, even when angry,quick movement 
 
POSITIVE:
The Scorpio man or woman knows what he or she wants out of life. He is a determined person. He sees something through to the end. He is quite sincere and seldom says anything he doesn't mean. When he sets a goal for himself he tries to go about achieving it in a very direct way. He is brave and courageous. They are not afraid of hard work. Obstacles do not frighten them. They forge ahead until they achieve what they set out for. They have a strong will. Although they may seem fixed and determined, inside they are quite tender and loving. He can care very much for others. He believes in sincerity in all relationships. His feelings about someone tend to last; they are profound and not superficial. He is someone who adheres to his principles no matter what happens. He will not be deterred from a path he believes to be right. Because of his many positive strengths, he can often achieve happiness for himself and for those that he loves. He is a constructive person by nature. He often has a deep understanding of people and of life in general. He is perceptive and unafraid. Obstacles often seem to spur him on. He is a positive person who enjoys winning. He has many strengths and resources; challenge of any sort often bring out the best in him. 

NEGATIVE:
The Scorpio person is sometimes hypersensitive. Often he imagines injury when there is none. He feels that others do not bother to recognize him for his true worth. Sometimes he is given to excessive boasting in order to compensate for what he feels is neglected. He can be proud, arrogant and competitive. They can be sly when they put their minds to it and they enjoy outwitting persons or institutions noted for their cleverness. Their tactics for getting what they want are sometimes devious and ruthless. They don't care too much about what others may think. If they feel others have done them an injustice, they will do their best to seek revenge. They often have a sudden, violent temper and this person's interest in sex is sometimes quite unbalanced or excessive.

Day328 Year2011

Time: 1629hrs
Mood: Groggy, with constant mood swings...


A prison. That's what my life is...
I constantly crave for the "sun", but in this darkness, it can never be found. I wonder, "how much longer must I wait?" Those without power can only do so much. I crave. I desire. But whenever the opportunity sets in, I shy away from the possibilities for a better situation. Before me, I see nothing. Behind me, I see no one. Without a future to look forward to and a past to look for inspiration, what else, I wonder, can I do? Is it just me that thinks that I am powerless? Or am I just weak to admit the fact? I don't know...
   I count the days. Time the hours and pile up the years since I've been alive, and I don't think I've ever been glad that I was alive. The existence of God eludes me. Even so, I cannot throw away my faith and the possibility that HE is always there. I'm a coward, just like some other people are. Too afraid to know the truth and hides away whenever it is presented to us. Thinking that the life we've been living is a lie and that there is no other way we can live.
   This place I'm here now is a prison. I don't know when it started, but I've encased myself away from the harms of the outside world, thinking that where I am now is much safer. In this shell of a case, I've locked all my fears, my doubts and my worries. Inside, I've locked away even my self. And now I wonder, where can it be. The real ME.