Day260 Year2012

Mood: Tenacious
Time: 1852hrs



I'm scared....
The longer I spend my time repeatedly inside this cage-like house, the more I grow fearful of the world outside. I become frightened of mingling with people. I become hateful and spiteful of everything I see.

I'm scared.
I don't know what to do once I do return. In the midst of the noisy crowd, I fear that I will drown in a sea of beliefs. To be dragged along to a place I don't want to be. I'm scared. It's alright to be scared, right?

Why do I have to keep up this front?
That the very moment I face up with others, I put up this tough look like I'm not scared by anything around me. Why do I have to stand my ground and pretend not to sway along the gale force of life's current? Why is it not acceptable for me to show my weakness in front of many? Why do I have to be this "me"?

"Just because I have to." I tell myself very often.
Because there is no one who would be strong for me. Because there isn't anyone who would care for me and support me. Because my pride won't let me. Is it tenacity to not give up despite crashing force of everyday life? I don't want to give up because I don't want to be further disappointed at myself. But I want to have the courage to admit that just because my shell may look tough doesn't necessarily mean that its interior is hard as well. I just want to learn to be kind to myself and let it ease out on its own.

Simply being kind is weakness. Showing weakness is being weak. Yes, because I don't want others to step on me, I've hidden the obvious inside. Deep, deep, inside, that even I am fooled at times. I want to be weak. I want to show my weakness to somebody that I can depend on. But since there isn't any amongst my peers or friends or anybody, I pretend still.

I am weak. I am strong.
I am both.
But you wouldn't know unless you completely know me.