Day157 Year2012

Mood: Decadent
Time: 1504hrs

Time.
I have no need for it.
Every time I sleep in the night, I find myself waking up to the morning and wasting the rest of the day.

Boredom.
I find this fleeting moment boring.
With nothing to do and just sit and stare into nothingness, I ask the usual questions. "How long must I continue like this?" "How much more must I wait in futility?" "Why does the current me exist?" And so on that its tiring just the same.

Dead.
My heart is dead.
It does not beat to the usual activities since nothing in this 4 corners of the room brings me excitement. I am caged. Merely by the weakness that is inside of me and the limitations of my capabilities. I am this old and yet I have not grasped the freedom that I've longed for since childhood.

Decayed.
I am a rotting tree.
I have yet to bear fruits and already I am dying. Wild plants with their greed saps me of nutrition and have outgrown me enough to cover me away from the sun. I am enclosed in this darkness. Getting cold and dying. Is this what it means to live? To exist? Only to shred away from life even before coming to maturity?

My mind gets blank.
Nothing moves my heart. There is no beating in my chest. Darkness covers my eyes and blinds me. I reach out to the air and no one catches me. I am alone. Still. Like the moment I came to this world. Even so, death evades me. I long for him and still he has no reason to come for me. "Why is that?", I ask. But I could only ask and get no further reply. Nobody is kind enough to give me a straight answer.

In this room right now, I am surrounded by living things. Pets swarm around me and yet they can never give me the kind of affection I would like to have. The window to the outside world is barred shut not even allowing the rays of the sun to penetrate the inside of this cage. I can hear footsteps and voices that sound like they are enjoying the rest of their afternoon. At these times, if only I have the guts to yell out, I might scream for help. But I am a bird. I have lived my life in this cage. It gives me shelter and convenience. Though it doesn't give me warmth or happiness or love, it gives me security that there is someplace that I can go back to. Even if the people living here isn't the kind I want to go back to.

Moments more have elapsed. In my head I am building up a certain thought. A plan, if you will, for the coming moments more. I am having thoughts, doubts, double-thinking of the decisions and consequences afterwards. I want to do something. Something that would take this boredom away even though I am fully aware that it would cost me. Yes, money. Though I have always regarded and decided that money is to be used for my happiness and nothing more, it is that same money that is giving me problems. What if I'll need it in the future? What if something happens? To not have the necessary financial status at the time when I'll need it, I shudder to think. Even so, have I not been used to being penniless? Without a job and still relying on the comforts relatives provide, I am a certified leecher. A weak creature that sucks the blood out of the living. Yes, I am so weak. Too weak for my own good. Despite boasting at times that I am great, I guess up to now I am all talk afterall. How utterly disappointing....