Mood: under the weather...
Time: 1315hrs
Went with family and relatives yesterday.
To my surprise, a few unexpected "visitors" were present.
According to my understanding, these f*ckD up freaks came to my granny's house after those past transgressions and atrocities those people and their B-tch mom did in to our side. I mean, who in their mud-faced kind would go back and act all nice and sweet without even offering up an apology for all these years? I mean, seriously??!!
Even if the people around me says that all is forgiven and forgiveness is sacred and all these crappy shits, I won't forget. Because up to now, who gets busy taking care of their trash? Whichever people can't sleep sound at night thinking of the problems that those fu*krs committed??! Huh?!
And they tell me you are not INVOLVED in any of these. WTF?! Seriously? Is it that easy to forget?! While the very person that is like Edward Dantes rots away somewhere asking himself where the f*$K did I go wrong and here you three are in our presence laughing those very problems away as if they never existed....
If blood is thicker than water and this very blood is the only reason I don't go haywire in your face, then tell me just how much blood is involved and I'd immediately undergo Blood Transfusion or Dialysis or whatever just to wash your freaking BAD BLOOD away....
Seriously shitsheads....
Can't you even read the atmosphere? And you go all nice and cutesy to my face talking to me like we're on "good terms", you fuc*@d up little B!Tches...
And what? What.....
You got nailed by your "who-knows-what" boyfriend and you come up to us all preggy and send invites to your lame-ass nuptial? Who in their right mind would bother going there you C*nt? Just to see your prostitute mother that goes here and there luring men with money and then throwing them aside. And what, Boohoo your mother is a freaking retard and a wh*#re and that other side of the family doesn't take much liking to you kids so you come over here for comforting? For some instant cash? What are we, charity??
B*@tch that's Karma to you.
If you'd rather went here and told us you got pregnant and the guy ran on you and you're thinking of abortion, I'd much be glad to assist and push you down the stairs for a "two-for-one-you-and-your-baby-dies" kind of ending. But, nooo....you have the f*ck'g nerve to "invite" us, that kind of shit.
B*$tch if you're reading this, and oh how I hope you are, I wish you'd know the pain and suffering you've inflicted on our side. All the problems that arise one-by-one and for how many years and future years we'll endure it and carry that very SAME SHAME just because of your stupid LIES!
And for you to know just how much I was holding back so as not to give you a knuckle sandwich yesterday....and just how much I used the Lord's name in vain just so I can have the strength to ignore you three.
You're dead to me.
I'd much rather say dead to us, but my senile grandmother (yes, mine, not yours) getting aged as she is with so much regret in her heart and wants to make things happy again and complete the family, getting ready for Death himself, still invites you there....
I want you walking pestilence, vermin, HIVs, to stop getting close to the children. They have such a bright future ahead of them unlike your sorry excuse for a life. I hate seeing them playing with your bastard little sister and thinking how she'll influence their feeble minds. I hate you acting all-so-cozy as if the house was your place. I hate how you even still freaking EXIST and destroys our peaceful, quiet lives with all your filth. I hate you! Don't even go back there like vampires that enter houses continuously once their invited in. You're no longer a child that can't distinguish right from wrong. And for f*ck's sake, you're sure to ruin another life here. If you're still on the verge of rebellion and self-destruction , please do so at the comfort of your own places. Bother your "new family" over there. There's no place for you around us anymore.
Oh,Gawd...
...if you can, please die already. Or I swear the next time I come face-to-face with your kind I will TOTALLY snap and put you out of your misery....
Monday, June 25, 2012
Friday, June 22, 2012
Day173 Year2012
Mood: Frantic
Time: 1812hrs
Have been under the weather lately.
A "FRIEND" forced their problems on me, though I may have, in a way, invoked it from their mouths. Even so, is it really in the hands of a friend to pull them through thick and thin even though the solution can mostly be solved by their own hands?
What is a friend anyway?
Are they the ones you come to in times of need? The people you put the blame when there's no one around? Those that listens to your every plea? Those you set aside whenever you don't have any need for them? These are the people that surrounds me. These are the worthless and weak-minded people that cling onto my side. And yet, as the manipulative freak that I am, I try to suck them for as much as I can. As long as they have some use for me, I will use them. Though I doubt that there's much equivalent trade there.
It's just so damn freaking irritating.
I'm no God that can do the impossible and pull out miracles on a whim. I'm just a mere human. Doing and going by as much as I possibly can. I am only a "friend" that is there to hear out your problems, not the entire solution to the equation. There is no reason for me to get bugged by these tiresome rantings and idiotic antics. How f**kng annoying....
If you want to die and kill yourself,,go ahead. It's a pain off my back.
Just don't try to reason it out and reach for my conscience cause you won't find it anywhere. I gave you choices, its in yours to take it. Just don't go crying later insisting that its "MY FAULT".
Geeezzz.....how fuc*ng annoying these so-called "friends" are.....
Time: 1812hrs
Have been under the weather lately.
A "FRIEND" forced their problems on me, though I may have, in a way, invoked it from their mouths. Even so, is it really in the hands of a friend to pull them through thick and thin even though the solution can mostly be solved by their own hands?
What is a friend anyway?
Are they the ones you come to in times of need? The people you put the blame when there's no one around? Those that listens to your every plea? Those you set aside whenever you don't have any need for them? These are the people that surrounds me. These are the worthless and weak-minded people that cling onto my side. And yet, as the manipulative freak that I am, I try to suck them for as much as I can. As long as they have some use for me, I will use them. Though I doubt that there's much equivalent trade there.
It's just so damn freaking irritating.
I'm no God that can do the impossible and pull out miracles on a whim. I'm just a mere human. Doing and going by as much as I possibly can. I am only a "friend" that is there to hear out your problems, not the entire solution to the equation. There is no reason for me to get bugged by these tiresome rantings and idiotic antics. How f**kng annoying....
If you want to die and kill yourself,,go ahead. It's a pain off my back.
Just don't try to reason it out and reach for my conscience cause you won't find it anywhere. I gave you choices, its in yours to take it. Just don't go crying later insisting that its "MY FAULT".
Geeezzz.....how fuc*ng annoying these so-called "friends" are.....
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Day163 Year2012
Mood: Confused
Time: 1729hours
I'm confused.
Well, I am only human. But I tend to think about things more. And right now, relationships confuse me. I am ignorant, and not innocent, with regards to human relations. Intimate ones confuse me even more and I dwell behind the reasons one might harbor and theorize on them on my own. "Why?" "why?" "why?", that is my most favorite phrase and wonder about the truth behind it. And once more I ask, "why?"
People confide their innermost secrets to me. To that I ask, WHY? Why me? Why ask? Why question when the answer is already there? Why make matters more worse when it was too shallow to begin with? Why are you such an idiot?
Stupid A asked me if their lover loves them. S.A's lover used to be so sweet and nice. They showered gifts over their feet and the love was definitely there. But situations change and love is never eternal (based on my observations) and there are things that A's lover sees about A. A is so sure that there is no longer warmth in their relationship. Therefore, I concluded, that there isn't. Even so, A is persistent on keeping the lover for pity's sake or for what you call "pinagsamahan." I don't understand. If you already feel that there is no love and the before isn't like the now, then leave the bastard. You have your answer and you don't need a reason to leave "it". You're just looking for a reason to stay still and not make waste all the years you've been through. Also, I don't have any real experience in love, so why ask me?
Stupid B gets pregnant and want to abort the baby.
Their parents doesn't know a thing and the father insists it is not theirs. As a pro-life (due to reasons i cannot tell though personally I'd say kill the bastard), B then calls me that they will keep the child though on their own.
Stupid C asks me if the person they like like them as well. They were already in a relationship and it was the first few weeks that they were lovers and to be specific, C's lover was just in front of them so why the heck point out to me the question? If your lover is right there in front of you then ask them yourself! I'm not psychic! I don't read minds! And besides, would they confess properly if they didn't? Dimwit!
Over and over and over again in my life have I been gone to long chats with people asking questions that could have been answered appropriately should they be directed towards the RIGHT person. And over and over and over again was I asked regarding relationships that I haven't even gone through myself.
And people. They talk to me and then end up ignoring me later on after using me. Yes, people are just like that, using individuals for their benefit. I hate it. If they weren't of some use to me as well I'd have thrown them and punched them all over.
What I don't understand most is the inner workings of a man in search of a relationship. Or rather, I already know of them but doesn't want to accept that they are all just that....?
Yes, they say they want someone that they can get with but in the end they'd still choose face value over smarts. Men are shallow that way. They'd choose a beautiful body over someone that cares especially for them. Yes. I know already. I know the answer as well but doesn't want to acknowledge it. Because when I do, that would mean I will be forced to change just for those shallow reasons in which I don't want to, really. And because of this, I've come to hate them. Hating their guts. Hating their feeble and worthless reasons and thinking. Yes, hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate.... it is all I can do. Hate. Though i would rather much get along with their kind than the backstabbing nature of women. Their faces are masks full of lies.
Hate.
I think I hate people.
Time: 1729hours
I'm confused.
Well, I am only human. But I tend to think about things more. And right now, relationships confuse me. I am ignorant, and not innocent, with regards to human relations. Intimate ones confuse me even more and I dwell behind the reasons one might harbor and theorize on them on my own. "Why?" "why?" "why?", that is my most favorite phrase and wonder about the truth behind it. And once more I ask, "why?"
People confide their innermost secrets to me. To that I ask, WHY? Why me? Why ask? Why question when the answer is already there? Why make matters more worse when it was too shallow to begin with? Why are you such an idiot?
Stupid A asked me if their lover loves them. S.A's lover used to be so sweet and nice. They showered gifts over their feet and the love was definitely there. But situations change and love is never eternal (based on my observations) and there are things that A's lover sees about A. A is so sure that there is no longer warmth in their relationship. Therefore, I concluded, that there isn't. Even so, A is persistent on keeping the lover for pity's sake or for what you call "pinagsamahan." I don't understand. If you already feel that there is no love and the before isn't like the now, then leave the bastard. You have your answer and you don't need a reason to leave "it". You're just looking for a reason to stay still and not make waste all the years you've been through. Also, I don't have any real experience in love, so why ask me?
Stupid B gets pregnant and want to abort the baby.
Their parents doesn't know a thing and the father insists it is not theirs. As a pro-life (due to reasons i cannot tell though personally I'd say kill the bastard), B then calls me that they will keep the child though on their own.
Stupid C asks me if the person they like like them as well. They were already in a relationship and it was the first few weeks that they were lovers and to be specific, C's lover was just in front of them so why the heck point out to me the question? If your lover is right there in front of you then ask them yourself! I'm not psychic! I don't read minds! And besides, would they confess properly if they didn't? Dimwit!
Over and over and over again in my life have I been gone to long chats with people asking questions that could have been answered appropriately should they be directed towards the RIGHT person. And over and over and over again was I asked regarding relationships that I haven't even gone through myself.
And people. They talk to me and then end up ignoring me later on after using me. Yes, people are just like that, using individuals for their benefit. I hate it. If they weren't of some use to me as well I'd have thrown them and punched them all over.
What I don't understand most is the inner workings of a man in search of a relationship. Or rather, I already know of them but doesn't want to accept that they are all just that....?
Yes, they say they want someone that they can get with but in the end they'd still choose face value over smarts. Men are shallow that way. They'd choose a beautiful body over someone that cares especially for them. Yes. I know already. I know the answer as well but doesn't want to acknowledge it. Because when I do, that would mean I will be forced to change just for those shallow reasons in which I don't want to, really. And because of this, I've come to hate them. Hating their guts. Hating their feeble and worthless reasons and thinking. Yes, hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate.... it is all I can do. Hate. Though i would rather much get along with their kind than the backstabbing nature of women. Their faces are masks full of lies.
Hate.
I think I hate people.
Friday, June 8, 2012
Day157 Year2012
Mood: Decadent
Time: 1504hrs
Time.
I have no need for it.
Every time I sleep in the night, I find myself waking up to the morning and wasting the rest of the day.
Boredom.
I find this fleeting moment boring.
With nothing to do and just sit and stare into nothingness, I ask the usual questions. "How long must I continue like this?" "How much more must I wait in futility?" "Why does the current me exist?" And so on that its tiring just the same.
Dead.
My heart is dead.
It does not beat to the usual activities since nothing in this 4 corners of the room brings me excitement. I am caged. Merely by the weakness that is inside of me and the limitations of my capabilities. I am this old and yet I have not grasped the freedom that I've longed for since childhood.
Decayed.
I am a rotting tree.
I have yet to bear fruits and already I am dying. Wild plants with their greed saps me of nutrition and have outgrown me enough to cover me away from the sun. I am enclosed in this darkness. Getting cold and dying. Is this what it means to live? To exist? Only to shred away from life even before coming to maturity?
My mind gets blank.
Nothing moves my heart. There is no beating in my chest. Darkness covers my eyes and blinds me. I reach out to the air and no one catches me. I am alone. Still. Like the moment I came to this world. Even so, death evades me. I long for him and still he has no reason to come for me. "Why is that?", I ask. But I could only ask and get no further reply. Nobody is kind enough to give me a straight answer.
In this room right now, I am surrounded by living things. Pets swarm around me and yet they can never give me the kind of affection I would like to have. The window to the outside world is barred shut not even allowing the rays of the sun to penetrate the inside of this cage. I can hear footsteps and voices that sound like they are enjoying the rest of their afternoon. At these times, if only I have the guts to yell out, I might scream for help. But I am a bird. I have lived my life in this cage. It gives me shelter and convenience. Though it doesn't give me warmth or happiness or love, it gives me security that there is someplace that I can go back to. Even if the people living here isn't the kind I want to go back to.
Moments more have elapsed. In my head I am building up a certain thought. A plan, if you will, for the coming moments more. I am having thoughts, doubts, double-thinking of the decisions and consequences afterwards. I want to do something. Something that would take this boredom away even though I am fully aware that it would cost me. Yes, money. Though I have always regarded and decided that money is to be used for my happiness and nothing more, it is that same money that is giving me problems. What if I'll need it in the future? What if something happens? To not have the necessary financial status at the time when I'll need it, I shudder to think. Even so, have I not been used to being penniless? Without a job and still relying on the comforts relatives provide, I am a certified leecher. A weak creature that sucks the blood out of the living. Yes, I am so weak. Too weak for my own good. Despite boasting at times that I am great, I guess up to now I am all talk afterall. How utterly disappointing....
Time: 1504hrs
Time.
I have no need for it.
Every time I sleep in the night, I find myself waking up to the morning and wasting the rest of the day.
Boredom.
I find this fleeting moment boring.
With nothing to do and just sit and stare into nothingness, I ask the usual questions. "How long must I continue like this?" "How much more must I wait in futility?" "Why does the current me exist?" And so on that its tiring just the same.
Dead.
My heart is dead.
It does not beat to the usual activities since nothing in this 4 corners of the room brings me excitement. I am caged. Merely by the weakness that is inside of me and the limitations of my capabilities. I am this old and yet I have not grasped the freedom that I've longed for since childhood.
Decayed.
I am a rotting tree.
I have yet to bear fruits and already I am dying. Wild plants with their greed saps me of nutrition and have outgrown me enough to cover me away from the sun. I am enclosed in this darkness. Getting cold and dying. Is this what it means to live? To exist? Only to shred away from life even before coming to maturity?
My mind gets blank.
Nothing moves my heart. There is no beating in my chest. Darkness covers my eyes and blinds me. I reach out to the air and no one catches me. I am alone. Still. Like the moment I came to this world. Even so, death evades me. I long for him and still he has no reason to come for me. "Why is that?", I ask. But I could only ask and get no further reply. Nobody is kind enough to give me a straight answer.
In this room right now, I am surrounded by living things. Pets swarm around me and yet they can never give me the kind of affection I would like to have. The window to the outside world is barred shut not even allowing the rays of the sun to penetrate the inside of this cage. I can hear footsteps and voices that sound like they are enjoying the rest of their afternoon. At these times, if only I have the guts to yell out, I might scream for help. But I am a bird. I have lived my life in this cage. It gives me shelter and convenience. Though it doesn't give me warmth or happiness or love, it gives me security that there is someplace that I can go back to. Even if the people living here isn't the kind I want to go back to.
Moments more have elapsed. In my head I am building up a certain thought. A plan, if you will, for the coming moments more. I am having thoughts, doubts, double-thinking of the decisions and consequences afterwards. I want to do something. Something that would take this boredom away even though I am fully aware that it would cost me. Yes, money. Though I have always regarded and decided that money is to be used for my happiness and nothing more, it is that same money that is giving me problems. What if I'll need it in the future? What if something happens? To not have the necessary financial status at the time when I'll need it, I shudder to think. Even so, have I not been used to being penniless? Without a job and still relying on the comforts relatives provide, I am a certified leecher. A weak creature that sucks the blood out of the living. Yes, I am so weak. Too weak for my own good. Despite boasting at times that I am great, I guess up to now I am all talk afterall. How utterly disappointing....
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