Mood: Suicidal, depressed
Time: 1820hrs
Suicidal.
I dont think I've been this depressed before.
Eating non-stop at times or not eating at all.
I've skipped taking baths for 2-3 days onwards.
I'm even developing some dandruff. I dont have dandruff, EVER!
At one time during my birthday, I've seriously considered killing myself.
Sad that even though I know where my father's gun is, the magazine is not there and there's no bullets to be found. I've notified my parents of my intent to die but whenever I do tell them they don't care. How annoying that they are cautious at that point.
I wanna kill myself so bad.
I always keep a shiny, pointy knife beside my bed.
Planning on drinking pain relievers then stabbing myself in the heart.
The only problem is hesitation.
The pain will be much worse with hesitation.
You get hurt by hesitating.
I should do it when I've decided. Unhesitant. And sure.
Christmas is around the corner.
Father is growing old.
I'm still single and fat and alone.
No one cares about me.
I guess they'd care if I died.
No one cares about you until you become the topic of someone's gossip.
Why is it that people care more and appreciate you more when you're dead rather than when you were alive?
They compile regrets. Adding more and blaming themselves more after you're gone.
But i guess I'm not one to talk considering how much of a coward I am.
I have people I want to see.
People I wanna talk to.
People I wanna say thank you or hug more.
But I can't.
But at times when I have the courage, I do.
Not like them who care for themselves.
I care about the people around me more than I know they do about me.
How annoying life is....
No matter what I did, no matter how kind I become, life always gives me misery and pain.
I'm unlucky.
Useless. Empty.
Inside I'm empty.
How annoying.
I wanna die.
Thinking of how or when.
Right now would be good.
Maybe later in my sleep.
I got hold of 2 tablets of Risperidone.
I doubt it will do much to me since its not my medication but i dunno....
I'll take one in my sleep.
What will happen i wonder?
Will it give me more sleep or awaken me?
I dont know.
I just want to die.
Want to die.
Want to die.
want to die..........
God, if you won't give me relief in life, give me relief in death......
Im tired of this shit
Friday, December 9, 2016
Thursday, October 13, 2016
Day283 Year2016
Mood: Meh...
Time: 1355hrs
Too many things happening and at the same time none at all...
Last week, father's boss died. We just visited him on Sunday night on October 2nd at the hospital. He was old and frail and had suffered many complications. He was like a second father to my dad. He was a good person despite his nationality.
After Sunday, the next day he died. It was Monday noon time. Due to complications brought by fluids in his lungs. The day I saw him last, he was being transfused with blood. At the time, I had a feeling that that was the last time we'd saw him. I wanted them to have a commemorational picture but I was too shy to ask that of them. I regret that moment that will never be brought back. Therefore, I have promised myself to burn that moment in my memory as much as I could even though I new that moments like those burn fast in my mind.
We visited his wake on Tuesday night. We came back Thursday night again where a eulogy by his relatives ensued. It was a wonderful wake held in a luxurious funeral home known in our country. And on Friday last week, he was buried. Then did I learned that he was supposed to celebrate his birthday this coming Saturday. How unfortunate. Even so, he lived loving people and being kind and people loved him back. I hope he rests in peace.
I, on the other hand, am back to square one.
Longing, daydreaming and doing nothing here in the house.
So bored.
So annoyed.
So angry at the world and myself.
No matter how hard I try to find work, I can't.
It's been a year from now since I last had a job.
I don't know where my badluck emanates from.
Its just I have such bad luck searching for what I want.
I think I'll die like this.
Doing nothing and being no one of importance or worth.
I would just fade into everyone's mind as a distant memory. Someone not worth recollecting.
A vague shadow in the corner of their bright lives.
They are moving forward. Making babies and creating families of their own.
While here I am, getting old and fat, having no one to take care of when my parents die.
Therefore before and if that happens, I have made myself up to kill myself at that time.
How or when I won't know.
My life is useless anyway.
No one cares about someone like me.
Before I get hurt more, before I hurt others, its better to die by my hands.
Heaven or Hell.....life as of now is inferno.
Time: 1355hrs
Too many things happening and at the same time none at all...
Last week, father's boss died. We just visited him on Sunday night on October 2nd at the hospital. He was old and frail and had suffered many complications. He was like a second father to my dad. He was a good person despite his nationality.
After Sunday, the next day he died. It was Monday noon time. Due to complications brought by fluids in his lungs. The day I saw him last, he was being transfused with blood. At the time, I had a feeling that that was the last time we'd saw him. I wanted them to have a commemorational picture but I was too shy to ask that of them. I regret that moment that will never be brought back. Therefore, I have promised myself to burn that moment in my memory as much as I could even though I new that moments like those burn fast in my mind.
We visited his wake on Tuesday night. We came back Thursday night again where a eulogy by his relatives ensued. It was a wonderful wake held in a luxurious funeral home known in our country. And on Friday last week, he was buried. Then did I learned that he was supposed to celebrate his birthday this coming Saturday. How unfortunate. Even so, he lived loving people and being kind and people loved him back. I hope he rests in peace.
I, on the other hand, am back to square one.
Longing, daydreaming and doing nothing here in the house.
So bored.
So annoyed.
So angry at the world and myself.
No matter how hard I try to find work, I can't.
It's been a year from now since I last had a job.
I don't know where my badluck emanates from.
Its just I have such bad luck searching for what I want.
I think I'll die like this.
Doing nothing and being no one of importance or worth.
I would just fade into everyone's mind as a distant memory. Someone not worth recollecting.
A vague shadow in the corner of their bright lives.
They are moving forward. Making babies and creating families of their own.
While here I am, getting old and fat, having no one to take care of when my parents die.
Therefore before and if that happens, I have made myself up to kill myself at that time.
How or when I won't know.
My life is useless anyway.
No one cares about someone like me.
Before I get hurt more, before I hurt others, its better to die by my hands.
Heaven or Hell.....life as of now is inferno.
Wednesday, March 16, 2016
Day75 Year2016
Mood: Depressed
Time: 1206hrs
After some time of guessing which is my password out of the 3 or 4 major passwords I use in creating accounts, I've finally hit jackpot.
You do not know, but my computer's hard drive got damaged and it took 2weeks before I could send it for repairs. Which then took 3-4 days to be analyzed and repaired. So hard drive is destroyed/corrupted. All my files which I haven't backed up deleted. And my accounts which I save on my browser and passwords are history.
I have a storage in my brain and thankfully its still functioning.
Now I just lament at the fact that all my manga collection which I've rarely backed up is gone. The manga which I gathered 3years. The music collection, my pictures, my family photos, my important documents that I scanned. All destroyed.
Yes. Fuck.
That's what I said when my computer didn't open its windows. I prayed that the files are still intact, but LO! Praying did nothing and God did nothing of sorts. Yes. Fuck God as always.
I have a short term memory.
I forget the bad things and good things along with it almost instantly.
Its a sort of defense mechanism of my psychological and mental mind.
So that I won't get hurt anymore than I did.
I didn't post most of the pictures on facebook considering one of my family members is a wanted fugitive of the IR.So all those pictures that my family member is included is stored on the files of my previous hard drive/disk....well fuck....I've given up on life so with the occurance of such tragedy its only a matter of time before I walk out of this house and get myself killed or take my own life somewhere in a ditch out there.....
Getting tired of this life shit, you know?
Well, if you'd have only happy days, you wouldn't know, would you?
I know every one of us had our fair shares of trials and betrayals and regrets and such, but most people out there had "someone" they can rely on. That someone that will bear the pain with them. Those who will listen to them. But I, on the other hand, don't have those "someone".
All I do is bear my problems on my own, listen to my rants on my own, and get ignored and used by people who call themselves my "friend".
So yeah, you wouldn't know.
Anyway, I don't laugh as much.
All I do is whine and regret.
And wallow in self-pity and anger and depression......
Its my life, if you could call it that.
So understand my wish of killing myself.....
And that I be forgiven someday if I do succeed...
Time: 1206hrs
After some time of guessing which is my password out of the 3 or 4 major passwords I use in creating accounts, I've finally hit jackpot.
You do not know, but my computer's hard drive got damaged and it took 2weeks before I could send it for repairs. Which then took 3-4 days to be analyzed and repaired. So hard drive is destroyed/corrupted. All my files which I haven't backed up deleted. And my accounts which I save on my browser and passwords are history.
I have a storage in my brain and thankfully its still functioning.
Now I just lament at the fact that all my manga collection which I've rarely backed up is gone. The manga which I gathered 3years. The music collection, my pictures, my family photos, my important documents that I scanned. All destroyed.
Yes. Fuck.
That's what I said when my computer didn't open its windows. I prayed that the files are still intact, but LO! Praying did nothing and God did nothing of sorts. Yes. Fuck God as always.
I have a short term memory.
I forget the bad things and good things along with it almost instantly.
Its a sort of defense mechanism of my psychological and mental mind.
So that I won't get hurt anymore than I did.
I didn't post most of the pictures on facebook considering one of my family members is a wanted fugitive of the IR.So all those pictures that my family member is included is stored on the files of my previous hard drive/disk....well fuck....I've given up on life so with the occurance of such tragedy its only a matter of time before I walk out of this house and get myself killed or take my own life somewhere in a ditch out there.....
Getting tired of this life shit, you know?
Well, if you'd have only happy days, you wouldn't know, would you?
I know every one of us had our fair shares of trials and betrayals and regrets and such, but most people out there had "someone" they can rely on. That someone that will bear the pain with them. Those who will listen to them. But I, on the other hand, don't have those "someone".
All I do is bear my problems on my own, listen to my rants on my own, and get ignored and used by people who call themselves my "friend".
So yeah, you wouldn't know.
Anyway, I don't laugh as much.
All I do is whine and regret.
And wallow in self-pity and anger and depression......
Its my life, if you could call it that.
So understand my wish of killing myself.....
And that I be forgiven someday if I do succeed...
Sunday, January 17, 2016
Day17 Year2016
Mood: Downhearted
Time: 1525hours
For some reason, I've been having bad dreams only.
Its returned.
Bad dreams. Scary dreams.
But I'm used to it.
Last night I had a dream.
It was so realistic.
I like those kind of dreams.
This dream started somewhat with a woman.
She was hurt. A gush or wound on the stomach.
She's holding on to her stomach area.
She's dying. She's waiting for something. Someone maybe?
Someone is looking for her.
She's dead.
This one woman is looking for her frantically.
She's screaming.
She's like a detective or something.
SHe's looking for the wounded woman.
She/they find her. Dead.
She wails at the girl's death.
Then we point to the detective woman.
She's looking for the wounded one.
Scenes flicker here and there.
On a train.
The dead woman lies underneath a bridge or something.
Or like under a metallic ladder.
As the story progressed, it seems the wounded woman wasn;t alone.
They were kidnapped by terrorists or something. A group of them.
They died. They were found in some harbour or something. Dead. Poisoned.
There were two who weren't accounted for.
The wounded woman and another girl.
The detective goes here and there and looks for here. Scenes change.
Then she finds her dead.
She wails. She says that the wounded woman was kept as a sex-slave.
Raped for 5days. Tortured on a regular basis.
She cries. The detective woman was my ego. She is crying. Crying. Crying.....
Its so painful.
I can't see what happened to the woman in a more detailed image but all i could see was a dead woman lying down on the ground with the detective crying over her demise.
So sad. So sad. It was so sad.
Physically I wasn't crying but mentally I was.
So sad.
My life is so sad right now.
I want to die.
There is no meaning for me to live on.
But I can't.
I don't have the courage to take my own life.
Everyday life goes on. The same.
My world is getting smaller.
Noises annoy me.
I turn to a freaking paranoid.
I panic.
I have panic attacks.
My chest tightens and I can't breathe.
I wondered when it started that I've come to hate music.
Noise. SOunds. Utters. Tremors. Trembles.
They make me panic.
I want to run but i have nowhere to go.
I am awake but i am dreaming.
I fear the night.
My neighbors become noise monsters at night.
I hate it but I can't do anything.
Nothing goes right everyday.
I am dead.
I want to bury myself somewhere cool and quiet.
I want death.
But death doesn't want me.
NOr do the angels guide me or the devil want to make a contract with me.
His usual fervent contact with me in the past is nowhere to be found now.
Oh God, oh demon, kill me.
I can no longer function normally.
I am broken.
Completely broken.
Time: 1525hours
For some reason, I've been having bad dreams only.
Its returned.
Bad dreams. Scary dreams.
But I'm used to it.
Last night I had a dream.
It was so realistic.
I like those kind of dreams.
This dream started somewhat with a woman.
She was hurt. A gush or wound on the stomach.
She's holding on to her stomach area.
She's dying. She's waiting for something. Someone maybe?
Someone is looking for her.
She's dead.
This one woman is looking for her frantically.
She's screaming.
She's like a detective or something.
SHe's looking for the wounded woman.
She/they find her. Dead.
She wails at the girl's death.
Then we point to the detective woman.
She's looking for the wounded one.
Scenes flicker here and there.
On a train.
The dead woman lies underneath a bridge or something.
Or like under a metallic ladder.
As the story progressed, it seems the wounded woman wasn;t alone.
They were kidnapped by terrorists or something. A group of them.
They died. They were found in some harbour or something. Dead. Poisoned.
There were two who weren't accounted for.
The wounded woman and another girl.
The detective goes here and there and looks for here. Scenes change.
Then she finds her dead.
She wails. She says that the wounded woman was kept as a sex-slave.
Raped for 5days. Tortured on a regular basis.
She cries. The detective woman was my ego. She is crying. Crying. Crying.....
Its so painful.
I can't see what happened to the woman in a more detailed image but all i could see was a dead woman lying down on the ground with the detective crying over her demise.
So sad. So sad. It was so sad.
Physically I wasn't crying but mentally I was.
So sad.
My life is so sad right now.
I want to die.
There is no meaning for me to live on.
But I can't.
I don't have the courage to take my own life.
Everyday life goes on. The same.
My world is getting smaller.
Noises annoy me.
I turn to a freaking paranoid.
I panic.
I have panic attacks.
My chest tightens and I can't breathe.
I wondered when it started that I've come to hate music.
Noise. SOunds. Utters. Tremors. Trembles.
They make me panic.
I want to run but i have nowhere to go.
I am awake but i am dreaming.
I fear the night.
My neighbors become noise monsters at night.
I hate it but I can't do anything.
Nothing goes right everyday.
I am dead.
I want to bury myself somewhere cool and quiet.
I want death.
But death doesn't want me.
NOr do the angels guide me or the devil want to make a contract with me.
His usual fervent contact with me in the past is nowhere to be found now.
Oh God, oh demon, kill me.
I can no longer function normally.
I am broken.
Completely broken.
Friday, July 24, 2015
Day205 Year2015
Mood: Pissed off
Time: 1520hrs
So its the time of the month/year or something again.
The time I feared everyday for the past few weeks after my last encounter.
This fucked up place is rotten to the core.
All I want is some peace and quiet.
To be able to sleep and rest peacefully during the wee hours of the day.
But these fucking neighbors keep on pissing me off!
To make matters worse, the fucking government/official/people in charge of the peace and tranquility in this fucking place does nothing!
I really hate people.
I hate this government.
I hate humans!
I hate everything and everyone around me!!!
FUck! Fuck! FUCKKKKKKK!!!
And why why why do I have to endure???!
Why why why do I have to quietly accept this???!
Because I'm powerless!
Because I'm penniless!
Because the people around me are weak!
I hate it!
I hate it!
I hate this!
I hate suffering like this!
I fucking hate, hate hate it!!!
Die, die, die......
How do i die???
Last night i kept praying....
I kept asking for God to save me......
Save me, save me, save me from my misery......
But no God came....
No human came......
No one came for me.....
I did it myself...
I went to the officials myself.
I gathered enough courage to put my complaints but did those fucking people listen to me???!
NOO! NO! NO! NO!NO! NO! NO! NO!
Those fucking people. These fucking people! Every fucking people in this godless world!!
No one helped me!
I hate it. Hate it. hate it. hate it.
No one cares for me.
No one loves me.
No one tries to understand me.
Kill. Kill. kill.
I want to kill.
i want to kill people.
i want these vermin around me to die.
die. die. die.
i hate this.
hate this.
No matter how much i do my best nothing matters.
No one saves me.
There is no salvation for me.
Why is there a supposed GOD in this world when all he does is sit silent and still in wherever the fuck it is......
I hate you.
I hate you.
i hate you.
You who is supposed to be my salvation, i hate you.
I should've never come to know of something like you when you won't even spare me some of your time and grace and so-called mercy......
Fuck this world.
Why was I born in this world?
Why was i created?
why was i the one alive???!
I hate it. hate it. hate it.
i wanna die.
die
die
someone kill me
kill me
kill me
kill me.....
If anyone's reading this, please save me......
save me from my misery
i can't take it anymore
i don't want to become a monster
i dont want to kill or hurt anyone in the future
i dont want to hate any more than i do
save me
save me
save me
someone please save me..........
pleaseeeeeeee.......
please...........
Time: 1520hrs
So its the time of the month/year or something again.
The time I feared everyday for the past few weeks after my last encounter.
This fucked up place is rotten to the core.
All I want is some peace and quiet.
To be able to sleep and rest peacefully during the wee hours of the day.
But these fucking neighbors keep on pissing me off!
To make matters worse, the fucking government/official/people in charge of the peace and tranquility in this fucking place does nothing!
I really hate people.
I hate this government.
I hate humans!
I hate everything and everyone around me!!!
FUck! Fuck! FUCKKKKKKK!!!
And why why why do I have to endure???!
Why why why do I have to quietly accept this???!
Because I'm powerless!
Because I'm penniless!
Because the people around me are weak!
I hate it!
I hate it!
I hate this!
I hate suffering like this!
I fucking hate, hate hate it!!!
Die, die, die......
How do i die???
Last night i kept praying....
I kept asking for God to save me......
Save me, save me, save me from my misery......
But no God came....
No human came......
No one came for me.....
I did it myself...
I went to the officials myself.
I gathered enough courage to put my complaints but did those fucking people listen to me???!
NOO! NO! NO! NO!NO! NO! NO! NO!
Those fucking people. These fucking people! Every fucking people in this godless world!!
No one helped me!
I hate it. Hate it. hate it. hate it.
No one cares for me.
No one loves me.
No one tries to understand me.
Kill. Kill. kill.
I want to kill.
i want to kill people.
i want these vermin around me to die.
die. die. die.
i hate this.
hate this.
No matter how much i do my best nothing matters.
No one saves me.
There is no salvation for me.
Why is there a supposed GOD in this world when all he does is sit silent and still in wherever the fuck it is......
I hate you.
I hate you.
i hate you.
You who is supposed to be my salvation, i hate you.
I should've never come to know of something like you when you won't even spare me some of your time and grace and so-called mercy......
Fuck this world.
Why was I born in this world?
Why was i created?
why was i the one alive???!
I hate it. hate it. hate it.
i wanna die.
die
die
someone kill me
kill me
kill me
kill me.....
If anyone's reading this, please save me......
save me from my misery
i can't take it anymore
i don't want to become a monster
i dont want to kill or hurt anyone in the future
i dont want to hate any more than i do
save me
save me
save me
someone please save me..........
pleaseeeeeeee.......
please...........
Thursday, July 9, 2015
Day190 Year2015
Mood: S.A.D.
Time: 2131hrs
Here I am again. Alone in my room.
Grounded, as they say, even though I am already an adult.
In this country where familial ties are important and as the leecher that I am; I cannot leave this place on my own just yet.
I am grounded.
No internet.
I just loiter around the house watching cable all day.
It's raining.
There's a series of typhoons menacing our nation recently.
It still hasn't calmed down and the downpour keeps going and going without a sign of relief from Heaven.
I am alone again.
I have kicked the bitch that pesters around here in "my" room.
She is ridden with virus and intently spreads it around.
I don't want to catch its cold, especially cough, which gives me a hard time since I'm asthmatic.
I've told "it" countless times over to cover the mouth with cloth when coughing, but it doesn't fucking listen. I swear, one day, I'm gonna kill that fucking retard.
Better keep the newly bought, freshly sharp knife away from my hands.
Well, gonna bitch about life again....
So we have certain roles in the house.
Tasks, if you will.
I am tasked to cook, clean, do the laundry and some other things everyday since I am a fucking free loader, as my mother implies.
And my other sibling's task is to prepare our pet's meals, cook rice and go back to his games and eat and sleep and get lazy as much as that idiot fucking wants.
So when I get to cross the boundary of doing his fucking chores for him and getting screamed at my mother at the end of the day at how "lazy" and "fat-ass" I am...that really pisses me off since I know for a fact that I am not.
And here's the kicker...
Aside from being called useless despite the opposite, I get blamed for all the shitty things that happens in this fucking house.
Like if something goes missing, or something is broken, it's always ME!
Like, what the fuck bitch?! Am I the only person living in this house?
I have, like, 2 other siblings loitering in this place.
I love peace and quiet but then you just prance around and scream at me and blame me just because I'm always the person available that you see....
And so again, I'm quite the bitch if you are but mostly I'm an angel.
Out of the consideration and goodness of my heart, I volunteer to do stuff and buy food whenever there aren't any in the house. Like this one time I bought bread using money I've saved. But then you wake up that there's no more left even for you despite just having bought it and it should've sufficed until the day after but its gone. I go like, "what the fuck?" "Are those stomachs of yours bottomless?"
And we've just 4 people living in the house right now and its like, gone? Seriously??!
And being the person that I am, I am always forced to do manly stuff even though frankly, I am but one...and the only guy in the family (in us 3 siblings) is just sitting there in his ass eating whenever it goes hungry and playing games all day long.
I really hate injustice, especially if it happens to me.
I swear to myself to just fuck it and drop everything off since I get blamed anyway and I'm already useless in that fucked up mother's eyes, but then the compassionate side of me cannot overlook such things.....Ughhhh.......
Sometimes I wish I was born a bitch.
So I won't fucking care either way.
I've always lived not having what I want.
I've grown up not depending on anyone and doing things on my own.
But as long as I am in this house, under the roof of this fucked up family, and without power nor money to get out of this place; I am forced to grit my teeth and go along with the same old bullshit day after day after day until I do get a job of my own.....
Yeah, so I really fucking hate my life and there is no God to help me.
Not even friends nor relatives nor anyone for that matter.
Shit..........
Time: 2131hrs
Here I am again. Alone in my room.
Grounded, as they say, even though I am already an adult.
In this country where familial ties are important and as the leecher that I am; I cannot leave this place on my own just yet.
I am grounded.
No internet.
I just loiter around the house watching cable all day.
It's raining.
There's a series of typhoons menacing our nation recently.
It still hasn't calmed down and the downpour keeps going and going without a sign of relief from Heaven.
I am alone again.
I have kicked the bitch that pesters around here in "my" room.
She is ridden with virus and intently spreads it around.
I don't want to catch its cold, especially cough, which gives me a hard time since I'm asthmatic.
I've told "it" countless times over to cover the mouth with cloth when coughing, but it doesn't fucking listen. I swear, one day, I'm gonna kill that fucking retard.
Better keep the newly bought, freshly sharp knife away from my hands.
Well, gonna bitch about life again....
So we have certain roles in the house.
Tasks, if you will.
I am tasked to cook, clean, do the laundry and some other things everyday since I am a fucking free loader, as my mother implies.
And my other sibling's task is to prepare our pet's meals, cook rice and go back to his games and eat and sleep and get lazy as much as that idiot fucking wants.
So when I get to cross the boundary of doing his fucking chores for him and getting screamed at my mother at the end of the day at how "lazy" and "fat-ass" I am...that really pisses me off since I know for a fact that I am not.
And here's the kicker...
Aside from being called useless despite the opposite, I get blamed for all the shitty things that happens in this fucking house.
Like if something goes missing, or something is broken, it's always ME!
Like, what the fuck bitch?! Am I the only person living in this house?
I have, like, 2 other siblings loitering in this place.
I love peace and quiet but then you just prance around and scream at me and blame me just because I'm always the person available that you see....
And so again, I'm quite the bitch if you are but mostly I'm an angel.
Out of the consideration and goodness of my heart, I volunteer to do stuff and buy food whenever there aren't any in the house. Like this one time I bought bread using money I've saved. But then you wake up that there's no more left even for you despite just having bought it and it should've sufficed until the day after but its gone. I go like, "what the fuck?" "Are those stomachs of yours bottomless?"
And we've just 4 people living in the house right now and its like, gone? Seriously??!
And being the person that I am, I am always forced to do manly stuff even though frankly, I am but one...and the only guy in the family (in us 3 siblings) is just sitting there in his ass eating whenever it goes hungry and playing games all day long.
I really hate injustice, especially if it happens to me.
I swear to myself to just fuck it and drop everything off since I get blamed anyway and I'm already useless in that fucked up mother's eyes, but then the compassionate side of me cannot overlook such things.....Ughhhh.......
Sometimes I wish I was born a bitch.
So I won't fucking care either way.
I've always lived not having what I want.
I've grown up not depending on anyone and doing things on my own.
But as long as I am in this house, under the roof of this fucked up family, and without power nor money to get out of this place; I am forced to grit my teeth and go along with the same old bullshit day after day after day until I do get a job of my own.....
Yeah, so I really fucking hate my life and there is no God to help me.
Not even friends nor relatives nor anyone for that matter.
Shit..........
Monday, June 29, 2015
Day180 Year2015
Mood: Suicidal as always
Time: 1516hrs
Suicidal as always.
More so, again, today.
The cycle of being treated as a useless being in the family.
To be looked down on in contempt.
To be told I'm worthless despite my continuous efforts to be otherwise.
I'm tired of it all.
The kindness and appreciation I so look forward to in this household is nowhere to be found.
I had hoped, knowing that they are family and thus, I should be loved unconditionally but not.
I hate this place.
I want to run away from it all.
But the fear binds me.
I would've loved to kill myself by gunshot to the head but the fear cripples me.
More so than I thought.
I wanted to be free but to actually grasp freedom and to do with it once its attained.
I don't know what I would do with it then.
I just wanted to be loved.
To be appreciated.
To be respected.
But it is nowhere in sight.
God. If you exist. Why did you create me?
Why did someone like me born into this kind of world?
I've always thought a being like God is a worthless being because all He ever does is look down on His creations and watch them burn themselves into oblivion.
But if He did exist, I had only that question in mind.
Why did you create someone like me?
I'm always hated even if I don't do anything wrong.
If I do something right, I'm envied and hated even more.
I try to get out of this cycle of misfortune but whatever I do, I end up more unfortunate and miserable than ever.
No one understands me.
Not even me.
God, if you exist, take pity and save me.
If the devil exists, give me what I want in exchange for my soul.
I'm tired of living.
I'm tired of this never-ending cycle.
The people that I know around me dies with their loved ones mourning their demise.
Why can't I die already?
No one will miss me.
No one will cry and be sad.
Kill me instead of them.
They are kind people. The type that everyone will miss.
No one will miss me.
Why can't I give my remaining years to them instead and take their place?
Why can't I....
Time: 1516hrs
Suicidal as always.
More so, again, today.
The cycle of being treated as a useless being in the family.
To be looked down on in contempt.
To be told I'm worthless despite my continuous efforts to be otherwise.
I'm tired of it all.
The kindness and appreciation I so look forward to in this household is nowhere to be found.
I had hoped, knowing that they are family and thus, I should be loved unconditionally but not.
I hate this place.
I want to run away from it all.
But the fear binds me.
I would've loved to kill myself by gunshot to the head but the fear cripples me.
More so than I thought.
I wanted to be free but to actually grasp freedom and to do with it once its attained.
I don't know what I would do with it then.
I just wanted to be loved.
To be appreciated.
To be respected.
But it is nowhere in sight.
God. If you exist. Why did you create me?
Why did someone like me born into this kind of world?
I've always thought a being like God is a worthless being because all He ever does is look down on His creations and watch them burn themselves into oblivion.
But if He did exist, I had only that question in mind.
Why did you create someone like me?
I'm always hated even if I don't do anything wrong.
If I do something right, I'm envied and hated even more.
I try to get out of this cycle of misfortune but whatever I do, I end up more unfortunate and miserable than ever.
No one understands me.
Not even me.
God, if you exist, take pity and save me.
If the devil exists, give me what I want in exchange for my soul.
I'm tired of living.
I'm tired of this never-ending cycle.
The people that I know around me dies with their loved ones mourning their demise.
Why can't I die already?
No one will miss me.
No one will cry and be sad.
Kill me instead of them.
They are kind people. The type that everyone will miss.
No one will miss me.
Why can't I give my remaining years to them instead and take their place?
Why can't I....
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