Mood: Suicidal, depressed
Time: 1820hrs
Suicidal.
I dont think I've been this depressed before.
Eating non-stop at times or not eating at all.
I've skipped taking baths for 2-3 days onwards.
I'm even developing some dandruff. I dont have dandruff, EVER!
At one time during my birthday, I've seriously considered killing myself.
Sad that even though I know where my father's gun is, the magazine is not there and there's no bullets to be found. I've notified my parents of my intent to die but whenever I do tell them they don't care. How annoying that they are cautious at that point.
I wanna kill myself so bad.
I always keep a shiny, pointy knife beside my bed.
Planning on drinking pain relievers then stabbing myself in the heart.
The only problem is hesitation.
The pain will be much worse with hesitation.
You get hurt by hesitating.
I should do it when I've decided. Unhesitant. And sure.
Christmas is around the corner.
Father is growing old.
I'm still single and fat and alone.
No one cares about me.
I guess they'd care if I died.
No one cares about you until you become the topic of someone's gossip.
Why is it that people care more and appreciate you more when you're dead rather than when you were alive?
They compile regrets. Adding more and blaming themselves more after you're gone.
But i guess I'm not one to talk considering how much of a coward I am.
I have people I want to see.
People I wanna talk to.
People I wanna say thank you or hug more.
But I can't.
But at times when I have the courage, I do.
Not like them who care for themselves.
I care about the people around me more than I know they do about me.
How annoying life is....
No matter what I did, no matter how kind I become, life always gives me misery and pain.
I'm unlucky.
Useless. Empty.
Inside I'm empty.
How annoying.
I wanna die.
Thinking of how or when.
Right now would be good.
Maybe later in my sleep.
I got hold of 2 tablets of Risperidone.
I doubt it will do much to me since its not my medication but i dunno....
I'll take one in my sleep.
What will happen i wonder?
Will it give me more sleep or awaken me?
I dont know.
I just want to die.
Want to die.
Want to die.
want to die..........
God, if you won't give me relief in life, give me relief in death......
Im tired of this shit
