Time: 1415hrs
Mood: So-so
What can I say but, Hi, Hello, I'm still alive!
Even though I have suicidal thoughts, deep inside I am a coward and wish for others to end my life.
How could I do that, I wonder?
I was thinking of roaming the streets in the bad side of town and try to see if there are some scumbags who would try to mug me, rape me, or kill me all at the same time. I'm also considering the option of doing something nasty and letting the cops open fire at me. Yes, such ideations cross my mind every day.
I've thought and researched ways to die.
Suicide by jumping off a building doesn't give a 100% chance of death instantly.
You either end up alive in a lot of pain from broken bones or comatosed and still barely alive, but all together alive. Killing myself by slitting my wrists. No one dies from that instantly. Don't know why people choose to end their lives that way. It's too painful and too slow. You feel your life slip past you literally for hours or days. Stupid really.
Death by drinking poison.
Another painful way especially chemicals that would burn and rip your throat and esophagus as you try to breathe as nature intended it to be. Stupid again. Silver cleansers or acids? Fuck, that's definitely gonna hurt! And you don't die of that instantly again.
Well how about drowning?
Jumping off a bridge anyone?
Or how about by hanging yourself?
Either one of those that you try as long as you are conscious, would make your body writhe in pain and agony as it tries to fight for your life. The stronger your will to live or connection with life, the painful, harder and slower your death will be.
So that leaves me to sleeping pills.
Overdosing one's self should prove to be quite a euthanasia act.
But the problem here in my place is where to avail it?
Even in the black market, I know how difficult it is to attain abortion pills (from previous friend).
Besides, I'm not sure it is legally sold here in my country.
E-bay perhaps?
Not so sure...
I've seen sleeping pills, but they're ones which are so-called "organic" or "all natural", which doesn't have much side effects even if you overdose from them.
Yeah, so fuck.
What to do?
Frankly, even though we have a gun in the house and I freely hold it in my hands coz its just lying here or something, I don't have the guts to pull the trigger, knowing that all the fault will lie on the hands of the one whose name is registered for its gun license. Fuck, yeah, I have a conscience. So shut the fuck up.
Yeah, maybe I am just a coward.
I want to live but life is just full of pissed up circumstances and is fucking with me.
Yeah, shit.
Life sucks.
I can't wait forever for me to die of natural causes so I don't know what to do anymore...
Someone kill me already.
