Day205 Year2015

Mood: Pissed off
Time: 1520hrs


So its the time of the month/year or something again.
The time I feared everyday for the past few weeks after my last encounter.
This fucked up place is rotten to the core.

All I want is some peace and quiet.
To be able to sleep and rest peacefully during the wee hours of the day.

But these fucking neighbors keep on pissing me off!
To make matters worse, the fucking government/official/people in charge of the peace and tranquility in this fucking place does nothing!

I really hate people.
I hate this government.
I hate humans!
I hate everything and everyone around me!!!
FUck! Fuck! FUCKKKKKKK!!!

And why why why do I have to endure???!
Why why why do I have to quietly accept this???!
Because I'm powerless!
Because I'm penniless!
Because the people around me are weak!

I hate it!
I hate it!
I hate this!
I hate suffering like this!
I fucking hate, hate hate it!!!

Die, die, die......
How do i die???
Last night i kept praying....
I kept asking for God to save me......
Save me, save me, save me from my misery......
But no God came....
No human came......
No one came for me.....

I did it myself...
I went to the officials myself.
I gathered enough courage to put my complaints but did those fucking people listen to me???!
NOO! NO! NO! NO!NO! NO! NO! NO!
Those fucking people. These fucking people! Every fucking people in this godless world!!
No one helped me!

I hate it. Hate it. hate it. hate it.

No one cares for me.
No one loves me.
No one tries to understand me.

Kill. Kill. kill.
I want to kill.
i want to kill people.
i want these vermin around me to die.
die. die. die.
i hate this.
hate this.

No matter how much i do my best nothing matters.
No one saves me.
There is no salvation for me.
Why is there a supposed GOD in this world when all he does is sit silent and still in wherever the fuck it is......

I hate you.
I hate you.
i hate you.
You who is supposed to be my salvation, i hate you.
I should've never come to know of something like you when you won't even spare me some of your time and grace and so-called mercy......

Fuck this world.
Why was I born in this world?
Why was i created?
why was i the one alive???!
I hate it. hate it. hate it.
i wanna die.
die
die
someone kill me
kill me
kill me
kill me.....

If anyone's reading this, please save me......
save me from my misery
i can't take it anymore
i don't want to become a monster
i dont want to kill or hurt anyone in the future
i dont want to hate any more than i do

save me
save me
save me
someone please save me..........
pleaseeeeeeee.......
please...........

Day190 Year2015

Mood:  S.A.D.
Time:  2131hrs


Here I am again. Alone in my room.
Grounded, as they say, even though I am already an adult.
In this country where familial ties are important and as the leecher that I am; I cannot leave this place on my own just yet.

I am grounded.
No internet.
I just loiter around the house watching cable all day.

It's raining.
There's a series of typhoons menacing our nation recently.
It still hasn't calmed down and the downpour keeps going and going without a sign of relief from Heaven.

I am alone again.
I have kicked the bitch that pesters around here in "my" room.
She is ridden with virus and intently spreads it around.
I don't want to catch its cold, especially cough, which gives me a hard time since I'm asthmatic.
I've told "it" countless times over to cover the mouth with cloth when coughing, but it doesn't fucking listen. I swear, one day, I'm gonna kill that fucking retard.
Better keep the newly bought, freshly sharp knife away from my hands.

Well, gonna bitch about life again....
So we have certain roles in the house.
Tasks, if you will.
I am tasked to cook, clean, do the laundry and some other things everyday since I am a fucking free loader, as my mother implies.
And my other sibling's task is to prepare our pet's meals, cook rice and go back to his games and eat and sleep and get lazy as much as that idiot fucking wants.
So when I get to cross the boundary of doing his fucking chores for him and getting screamed at my mother at the end of the day at how "lazy" and "fat-ass" I am...that really pisses me off since I know for a fact that I am not.

And here's the kicker...
Aside from being called useless despite the opposite, I get blamed for all the shitty things that happens in this fucking house.
Like if something goes missing, or something is broken, it's always ME!
Like, what the fuck bitch?! Am I the only person living in this house?
I have, like, 2 other siblings loitering in this place.
I love peace and quiet but then you just prance around and scream at me and blame me just because I'm always the person available that you see....

And so again, I'm quite the bitch if you are but mostly I'm an angel.
Out of the consideration and goodness of my heart, I volunteer to do stuff and buy food whenever there aren't any in the house. Like this one time I bought bread using money I've saved. But then you wake up that there's no more left even for you despite just having bought it and it should've sufficed until the day after but its gone. I go like, "what the fuck?" "Are those stomachs of yours bottomless?"
And we've just 4 people living in the house right now and its like, gone? Seriously??!

And being the person that I am, I am always forced to do manly stuff even though frankly, I am but one...and the only guy in the family (in us 3 siblings) is just sitting there in his ass eating whenever it goes hungry and playing games all day long.

I really hate injustice, especially if it happens to me.
I swear to myself to just fuck it and drop everything off since I get blamed anyway and I'm already useless in that fucked up mother's eyes, but then the compassionate side of me cannot overlook such things.....Ughhhh.......
Sometimes I wish I was born a bitch.
So I won't fucking care either way.
I've always lived not having what I want.
I've grown up not depending on anyone and doing things on my own.
But as long as I am in this house, under the roof of this fucked up family, and without power nor money to get out of this place; I am forced to grit my teeth and go along with the same old bullshit day after day after day until I do get a job of my own.....

Yeah, so I really fucking hate my life and there is no God to help me.
Not even friends nor relatives nor anyone for that matter.
Shit..........

Day180 Year2015

Mood:  Suicidal as always
Time: 1516hrs


Suicidal as always.
More so, again, today.
The cycle of being treated as a useless being in the family.
To be looked down on in contempt.
To be told I'm worthless despite my continuous efforts to be otherwise.
I'm tired of it all.

The kindness and appreciation I so look forward to in this household is nowhere to be found.
I had hoped, knowing that they are family and thus, I should be loved unconditionally but not.

I hate this place.
I want to run away from it all.
But the fear binds me.

I would've loved to kill myself by gunshot to the head but the fear cripples me.
More so than I thought.

I wanted to be free but to actually grasp freedom and to do with it once its attained.
I don't know what I would do with it then.

I just wanted to be loved.
To be appreciated.
To be respected.
But it is nowhere in sight.

God. If you exist. Why did you create me?
Why did someone like me born into this kind of world?
I've always thought a being like God is a worthless being because all He ever does is look down on His creations and watch them burn themselves into oblivion.
But if He did exist, I had only that question in mind.
Why did you create someone like me?

I'm always hated even if I don't do anything wrong.
If I do something right, I'm envied and hated even more.
I try to get out of this cycle of misfortune but whatever I do, I end up more unfortunate and miserable than ever.
No one understands me.
Not even me.

God, if you exist, take pity and save me.
If the devil exists, give me what I want in exchange for my soul.
I'm tired of living.
I'm tired of this never-ending cycle.
The people that I know around me dies with their loved ones mourning their demise.
Why can't I die already?
No one will miss me.
No one will cry and be sad.
Kill me instead of them.
They are kind people. The type that everyone will miss.
No one will miss me.
Why can't I give my remaining years to them instead and take their place?
Why can't I....

Day157 Year2015

Time: 0005hrs
Mood:  Horny

"I'm horny!"
"So horny tonight~"

As the song goes, I am freaking horny as heck!

It's midnight and I'm watching porn all by my lonesome self.
It may be a physical need, but truthfully, I'm still a virgin.
I don't know how sex feels like.

I'm really envious of gays who can go all out and just pick someone up from nowhere.

I'm a little too shy around people, so I can't possibly do that sort of thing.

And the one thing that I don't have, money, is very important, it seems.

As I am aware, money = sex. Lols.

Anyway, back to my horniness...

Can't even find a freaking dildo in this conservative nation!

HIV is rampant but they prohibit sex toys? Hahahah!
It's the church that keeps on butting on everyone's business!
Telling the world what is and what is not right even though the government and the church should be separate matters and power.

I hate how the church of this nation preaches morality, when the priests are big perverts and pedophiles and most of them have families or children on the side.

They preach and preach with words and not action.
Just empty words as usual.

They even tried to excommunicate our President for approving the RH Law.

With the problem of overpopulation rampant and the deaths of pregnant mothers innumerable, they preach yet again. Unyielding and preaching only about things that were a fact 100 or 1000 years ago.

Back to my sexual needs...

I can't even imagine how people get their partners!
I see ugly people happily walking with someone in the streets.

I hear fatties talk about their lovers.

Considering how I'm normal, I ask myself, "what the fuck is wrong with me?!"

"Why won't anyone choose me?!"

Fuck!
I'm so horny!
I want to lose my virginity asap!

If this was a country somewhere in America, I can do it in a blink of the eye!
But no...this is the fucking country of the Philippines!

Or rather, I don't have the underground workings or knowledge or the right connections to get laid.

*sigh*

What does a dick taste like?
What does it feel to have cum inside of me?
Questions that I fear will remain as such, questions.

Maybe I wasn't meant to procreate so as to avoid another psychopathic lunatic like me in this world.

Or its just that money is everything that would even buy me all the happiness I will want (?).

Day147 Year2015

Time:   1415hrs
Mood:  So-so


What can I say but, Hi, Hello, I'm still alive!
Even though I have suicidal thoughts, deep inside I am a coward and wish for others to end my life.
How could I do that, I wonder?
I was thinking of roaming the streets in the bad side of town and try to see if there are some scumbags who would try to mug me, rape me, or kill me all at the same time. I'm also considering the option of doing something nasty and letting the cops open fire at me. Yes, such ideations cross my mind every day.

I've thought and researched ways to die.
Suicide by jumping off a building doesn't give a 100% chance of death instantly.
You either end up alive in a lot of pain from broken bones or comatosed and still barely alive, but all together alive. Killing myself by slitting my wrists. No one dies from that instantly. Don't know why people choose to end their lives that way. It's too painful and too slow. You feel your life slip past you literally for hours or days. Stupid really.
Death by drinking poison.
Another painful way especially chemicals that would burn and rip your throat and esophagus as you try to breathe as nature intended it to be. Stupid again. Silver cleansers or acids? Fuck, that's definitely gonna hurt! And you don't die of that instantly again.

Well how about drowning?
Jumping off a bridge anyone?
Or how about by hanging yourself?
Either one of those that you try as long as you are conscious, would make your body writhe in pain and agony as it tries to fight for your life. The stronger your will to live or connection with life, the painful, harder and slower your death will be.

So that leaves me to sleeping pills.
Overdosing one's self should prove to be quite a euthanasia act.
But the problem here in my place is where to avail it?
Even in the black market, I know how difficult it is to attain abortion pills (from previous friend).
Besides, I'm not sure it is legally sold here in my country.
E-bay perhaps?
Not so sure...
I've seen sleeping pills, but they're ones which are so-called "organic" or "all natural", which doesn't have much side effects even if you overdose from them.

Yeah, so fuck.
What to do?
Frankly, even though we have a gun in the house and I freely hold it in my hands coz its just lying here or something, I don't have the guts to pull the trigger, knowing that all the fault will lie on the hands of the one whose name is registered for its gun license. Fuck, yeah, I have a conscience. So shut the fuck up.

Yeah, maybe I am just a coward.
I want to live but life is just full of pissed up circumstances and is fucking with me.
Yeah, shit.
Life sucks.
I can't wait forever for me to die of natural causes so I don't know what to do anymore...
Someone kill me already.

Day109 - Year2015

Mood: Suicidal
Time: 0039hours


Sunday morning.
That fucking neighbor of mine is still partying.
It's his birthday it seems (technically, yesterday).
Hoping he dies like his bitch wife soon.

As usual, I hate this world.
I've called countless times to the barangay office complaining about the noise, to no avail.
"Kakumpare eh!" "Kakilala!" Where money talks more and its not what you know but "who you know" that matters more. This country of mine seems to be developing backwards and returning to the Spanish era of slavery. Only change is that countrymen enslave their own people. And the ones being stepped on are the penniless once more. This government that continues to ignore the true problems and busies itself on self-image and self-popularity. It's never-ending.

Again, I hate this world.
Seriously considering killing myself already.
The only question is, how?

I don't want to stab myself, slit my wrists, drink silver cleanser, drink any poison for that matter, drown or be run over by a bus.

Ah, but I heard of this one case where the customer died from drinking contaminated milk tea...and now I'm wondering where i can get my hands on that kind. Ah...but the police confiscated them for evidence...aww....

Only option is dying by sleeping pills or injecting myself with a muscle relaxant or something that will kill me in an instant.

Dying by blunt force trauma to the head doesn't sound as bad, thinking that if you get hit at the back of the head, its lights out and if you ever die from bleeding, there's a chance you won't feel a thing.
Hopefully.

*sigh*
Dying is so hard, especially if your attachment to life is strong.
I don't have much attachment to mine, as I feel not much pain from injuries like cuts or bruises.
So here's to wishing for a painless death!

Hope I die soon.... :)