Interlude: Reminiscing the Past

Time: 0243hrs
Mood: Tranquil



Its morning.
The air is cold and the people all around are sleeping.
The music is shuffled and it plays a nostalgic tune.
Then I remember....
...my past.


As a child, I was mature for my age.
We lived in a simple and small house, surrounded by relatives on my father's side.
I usually conversed and hang out with the older people.
Its not as if there weren't children.
There were children among the neighbors, but we weren't that close.
They were more fond of my older sister and younger brother.
When I think about it, the children my age in par to me weren't available so I ended up being close to the adults or those older than me in some years.

I was a beastly child, according to the people that watched me grow.
I fought  (physically) other children; I quarreled with them and mostly bullied those younger than me.
My family used to tease me and call me "Demonyita" or Demon-girl, they said, but I have no recollection of such things. Maybe because of my piercing stare and the unwillingness to bow down to anyone.

Now that I think about it, I've never been good associating with other people.
I never fully understood the laws of this world.
There was always a feeling of something "surreal" about everything.
Like its not really happening.
Like its not really my body.

Ever since I was a child, I felt like everyday was a dream.
That even if certain things happen, they won't matter much.
I don't know.
That's how it felt to me.

The only tranquility I could attain, that I could ascertain was the feeling of being surrounded by trees.
Beneath the trees, under the gentle rays of the sun, with the wind blowing the skirt off of me. Or at least enough to sway my thick hair over my shoulders.

Even now, I long for that kind of solace.
That kind of peace.
If I can't understand people, then there is no need to associate with them.
I want to live a life far from them.
Without the need to ask for the reasons as to "why" someone is what they are.
Without the need to understand the unreasonable.
Without the constant feeling of rejection.
I want to break away from this kind of world where man is the boss of this world.

......

Looking back once more, the reason why I act childish in this current form of mine is because of those repressed emotions back then.
I was forced to act accordingly, maturely, without the proper guidance from a mother.
Mother was strict and somewhat lazy on us.
Early mornings around 4, we wake up in bleak dawn.
I loved the feeling of the cold air damping my face and freezing my cheeks.
We were in grade 2 or 3 and mother won't wake up.
We siblings cook our own meal; frying eggs with a frightened and shaking hand.
Bathing ourselves.
Packing our stuff.
And around 5-5:30, wait for the guy (whose always LATE) to pick us up.
Flag ceremonies were held around 6am. 7 am our class starts.
Our school time is 6-12nn/12nn-6pm.

I wasn't in good terms with most of my classmates either.
I hate them, to be frank.
There were snobby and feeling all high & mighty children.
There were childish and idiotic children.
And there were quiet, and being child-like children.
I was among them.
But I usually spend the moments arguing for their sake and protecting them.
*sigh*
It really is in my nature, deshou?

There wasn't anyone in the past that would protect me, you see.
So I had to be strong.
Be independent.
Be understanding.
Ever since I was little...

Even though I couldn't understand them fully.
Even though I couldn't fathom why they do what they do.
Because no one will do it, you see...
...that I decided to carry that responsibility.
...that kind of burden.

But I am now tired.
I want to throw away my humanity.
I don't want to understand anyone anymore.
No one understands me.
So why should " I " have to care?

Day283 Year2013

Mood: Reminiscing
Time: 1911hrs

I remember the first time I saw a man's face in love.
It was my transfer student classmate.
We were lining in our Physical Education class and everyone was noisy and busy chatting with their friends when I saw it.

I saw how fixed his eyes were on her and her every movement.
How his eyes seemed to sparkle as he stared at her.
It was quite an enigma.

What could he have seen in her that made him so?
That "bitch" was all-around awful.

Her face is plain.
Her hair is pulled up in nanny style.
And her fucking personality plainly SUCKs since she's a BULLY!
Yeah, her team of bitches gang up on me thinking they're THAT great!
Fuck you bitch!!

That's why it was such a marvel to me.
How could THAT kind of human, or rather female specimen have guys falling for her??
She's freaking nasty!
Whichever angle you look.
That's why when I found out that that kind of look was that of a guy in love,
I swore I'd throw up when I see that kind of reaction towards another girl again...

Who'd have thought it would be on ME?(0_0)!!

Yes, I know.
I've known it for quite some time, but I am kind of a klutz when it comes to these things.
Well, you can't blame me.
In the span of my years living, no MAN has come up to my face and confess their feelings for me, so how was I supposed to know that that would be it?

I knew.
I saw how they change their attitude whenever they see me.
Not to boast but I DO have a nice face.
Just not blessed with the curves.

I knew how they come up trying to win my attention.
How their tone of voice softens whenever they talk to me.
I knew.
I saw.
I just ignored it.

I watched this one series where the girl watched how her classmate (guy) thought to be linked to her fell in love with her friend (girl). She was, of course, happy from the bottom of her heart. She wondered how it would feel like to have someone fall in love at first sight and probably confess to her even.

But due to circumstances, her life changed.
Her views with regards to life and love changed.
She had no time for such mundane things like falling in love.
So when a guy confessed to her, she could not respond accordingly.

I, too, wondered like her.
As her eyes glistened in amazement of such encounters to happen; mine glistened too, and happily awaited for such moment.

But unfortunately, I too like her, froze.
It was the first time I saw such a thing up close.
I didn't even know he existed.
He was incognito to me.
And yet, when I saw that expression on his face, I knew.
That like my classmate, he too, felt something.
Hopefully, for me.

He didn't confess.
I could see the changes in him whenever I'm around.
I knew deep down the meaning behind them.
But to avoid disappointment, I didn't ask.
I don't want to say anything.
Not as long as I still bear HATRED towards myself can I continue to not love.

And because I expect something that I can't be the first to ask.
Or say anything.

Please someone, tell me you love me.
All I see in myself are hateful things.
If you don't point out the things there is to love within me, then I won't see.

Please, love me.
Please, someone...
...love me.

Until I can still bear to live with myself.
Until I can still hope.

Love me.
Love me.

Because I can't LOVE myself anymore...