Mood: Elated
Time: 0202hrs
Since it is rare to be presented with the opportunity such as this, I want to take it as much as possible. I don't know what I should write about. This may be the last for a while. Life would be busy once the week starts again.
Truth be told, I am afraid. Of the major changes that would happen in my life. I don't think I'm ready or if I can handle such responsibility. But I want to change, even if a little at a time. I don't want to become stagnated at the same place and let time sweep me away from this land. I want to do something. Something that would change me inside that would end up changing someone in the future. I want to go places and not be bound in these chains any longer. I want to confront the reality of living outside the comfort of my home.
But I am afraid.
I am afraid since I am alone in this battle.
Though I may not look like it, I am weak.
I need people beside me, to reassure me that I am not alone in facing this dilemma and the problems of daily life. I want to feel warmth. Something that I have yearned for in the past until now. But why is it that whenever there are people willing to help, I shrug them away. I think I'm blind when it comes to people who truly cares for me. Setting aside those that really care. But I don't know. I guess it can't be helped since I don't feel anything when I'm with them. I just feel "EMPTY".
And then I started not to care whoever it is I'm with.
Just to fill that void in my heart. Just so I can have a bit of warmth and love even for a while. Even if it did not fill me completely. I accepted things and terms and friendships. I've really become NUMB.
Because in the end, people would only betray me. They would hurt me and make me think of things. As like before, people are selfish. Then I think I won't hold back and be selfish myself. But I can't. I just can't.
Don't know why, but I connect with people so easily. Talking to someone as if we've known each other decades ago. Then afterwards, they tend to forget. They start forgetting and they ignore me in the process. Since they are selfish, they won't remember me. Only when they are in need of something do they call out for me. Yes, I am nothing but a filler as well.
So once more, I am alone. Still alone in this journey through life.
Will I be able to find someone who truly respects me? Someone that would be beside me? Someone that would cherish and love me? I don't know. And it seems I've surrendered from the possibility.
I think I would die alone like this.
But that matter is on another note.
Since the cowardice inside of me reigns supreme, I still cannot end it all.
How weak of me to hate PAIN when living everyday is a real pain.
