Day 149 Year 2012

Mood: Tired, sleepy, even so restless
Time: 0211hrs


Slowly, I feel like something is breaking inside of me. All the anger and hatred I have accumulated these past years is trying to release itself from the vessel that is ME. I've tried to smile, be kind, and be just in every little thing that I do, but in the end, I am only human. When the time comes that I do break up this mask, will I regret again? I have so many things to regret. I don't want to be disappointed by the time these darkness of mine finally escapes. Besides, it is a part of me as well. This deep darkness I carry is another side of me and I intend to embrace it nonetheless. And at the moment that I do get tired of lying to myself, I expect to become the other me completely. The me that I've withdrawn from this world. The Me that is shunned by society and deemed "unfit" to exist. I think slowly, anticipate, delighted of the thought that I do finally break inside. Because by then, I won't have to lie to myself. I won't be tied down by standards that other people put up for the rest to follow. And I won't be bored looking at the same scenery everyday of my life.

So hurry up, shatter completely.
I look for reasons for this current me to be destroyed.
I only need one thing. One major thing that would make me move and convince me that CHANGE is inevitable. Just one reason is enough. Now, come. Give me one reason. Give me a reason to destroy myself.

Day 123 Year 2012

Mood: Ennui
Time: 0935hrs

Have been too tired recently due to recent events that presided. The sun is blazing hot outside and the brightness of the light stings my eyes. I do not wish to go out anymore. I hate how the heat makes me sweat profusely and how the light brightly shines without due reason. As if the coldness of my heart could be thawed by the weather. As if.
I pass the days reading and logging on the net. Surfing it like the waves of the sea that runs continuously. In life, I've witnessed the coming start of another branch of life. The soon start of a family. I grow envious at the person that is giving their all for that certain goal. More envious am I of the fact that they are not like me; one without a destination and one that is constantly in craving for something that I know not.
By meeting people, I change. But only meeting them in life, I've learned that they are like ghosts that you see that pass through you and disappear afterwards. They mean nothing in the end. Just a speck of dust that clouds the eyes for a second. They can do nothing and change nothing more in the current "you". They are just there for the mere purpose of "being there" and simply existing. Why then, I ask, were we fated to meet? If in the end they would only put ripples in your waters and then sink to the bottom of the sea? Oh how the word "FATE" tests me dearly. My patience and questions pile up one-by-one. If only there were no people to torment you in such a way. If there were no people that would invade your life, making you confused and vanishing without a trace. Leaving you hopeless still and more lonely than before. That you would come to know the word LONELINESS than you've ever known before.