Mood: Depressed,morose
They say people are capable of affection regardless if they personally know them. At first glance, you can feel their warm-felt acceptance through a simple nod or a beautiful smile. Yet to me, those are just false pretense of a human's perception and PR. You don't know them so you assume that they can be kind, thus a smile shows. You don't know them and still you can at times converse with others normally though you barely know a thing about them. A "normal person" would be brought up with teachings on how to be "Kind" to one another, just to grow up learning through harsh experience how calculating and manipulative the inside of a "normal person" can be.
People are not kind. They are vindictive, jealous, greedy and selfish. I know because I am one of those "normal person" before. I've come to realize without anyone's help how sufferable living life like this. To be taught to show kindness while everyone else is not. To be told to act friendly when everyone around you is just there to use you. And the morale of the story? Karma. God's divine punishment. The fear of being vindicated by the all-powerful wrath of Him Almighty. And despite the on-going cruelty and malice of others, who gets punished? The ever-righteous believer. It eats me up inside. The fact. The reality that there is no punishment waiting for them. That even if they do all those things, no one is there to abhor them. Because everyone is told to LOVE them....and how idiotic this seems to me.
Even so, still. I cannot move on. I cannot tear my chains and fly freely. I'm such a coward. Always afraid of the consequences despite knowing the facts. I have spent almost half of my life on this world already. Isn't it time for me to be rid of these utterly pointless doubts? At times I just want to wake up and throw away everything and leave everything and everyone I know behind. They're all useless to me anyway, so why bother? I'm fed up of being used and forced to smile so happily while inside I'm not. HA-ha-ha....
this grin sometimes just falls off to the side. I can feel it. And I can sense that others know of it. The reason my grin is turning to a frown...
Hmm...yeah, sometime this year I'll just throw it all away....
It "is" the new year anyway...
